Bob Dylan will have to write his next album about the terrible mice plague sweeping the nation of Australia, and by “the nation” we of course refer to “a single nursing home in Queensland.” Still, we must ask the important question: if the pig AIDS doesn’t kill us, will the mouse plague do it instead? MORE »

Every white male in politics over the age of 50 has some awful illness, according to various rumors on the Internet. Joe Biden had two aneurysms operated on 20 years ago, so obviously he is due for another so that he can step down and Hillary Clinton can be Barack Obama’s vice president. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton’s thumb was shaking on various evening talk shows this week, so he’s about dead. Probably Parkinson’s. MORE »

We do not wish to make jokes about Rep. Stephanie Tubbs Jones’ death and resurrection. But we do want John Kerry to learn his lesson. It’s kind of WEIRD when you first hear about someone’s death in one of John Kerry’s 977 daily e-mails. For Christ’s sake, let the body settle! Because she was not dead after all, and now you are creepy.

• REP. TUBBS JONES IN BAD SHAPE DEAD STILL IN BAD SHAPE HAS DIED: “Rep. Stephanie Tubbs Jones, D-Ohio, is reported to have suffered an aneurysm and is not expected to recover, according to CBS affiliate WOIO in Cleveland. WOIO also reported that the congresswoman is on life support at this time.” UPDATE: John Kerry has already sent out his statement, so she is deceased. UPDATE: No wait she is alive again. LAST UPDATE: Stephanie Tubbs Jones died this evening, the family and hospital have confirmed. [CBS News]

Senator John Warner — who’s retiring in 2008, having served one term for each husband of former wife Liz Taylor — is in the hospital today for a “heart ailment,” according to Roll Call. He’s got something called “atrial fibrillation,” which isn’t that serious according to his staff, and can lead to stroke-causing blood clots according to the Mayo Clinic’s website. But he will be back to work next week because all of our thousand-year-old Senators are practically immortal, as they all receive the finest medical care in the entire world. And because they drink the blood of virgins.

Warner Treated for Heart Ailment [Roll Call]