It was a nail-biter, folks! Illinois’ 5th District held a special election after Rahm Emanuel left his post to go whisper evil imprecations in the ear of our malleable and naive young king, Barack Obama. Two contenders emerged: Cook County Commissioner and known Democrat Mike Quigley, and the deranged Freeper Rosanna Pulido. Ms. Pulido put up a valiant fight, but without national Republican support could not prevail over the Democratic Machine, which decided to put Quigley over the top with oh like 70 percent of the vote. What is this, Russia? [Chicago Tribune]

Early this morning, in Wonkette’s Daily Briefing, we had this to say about Blago’s replacement: “There’s a new Illinois governor, right? And he is ’squeaky clean.’ So god only knows what kind of kinky stuff will bring this guy down.” Now we know: New Illinois Governor Pat Quinn is one of the original practitioners of the political sex-creep stunt of “tea-bagging.” MORE »

• OH AND HERE’S SOME ACTUAL NEWS: “Blagojevich, 52, was indicted on 16 felony counts, including racketeering conspiracy, wire fraud, extortion conspiracy, attempted extortion and making false statements to federal agents. He allegedly abused his office in numerous matters to seek money, campaign contributions, and employment for himself and others, in exchange for official actions, including trying to leverage his authority to appoint a United States senator, U.S. Attorney Patrick J. Fitzgerald said in a statement.” Patrick Fitzgerald is the fucking angel of death (but also racist for doing this to important Civil Rights leader Gandhi Blagojevich). [CBS 2 Chicago]

Rod Blagojevich, you are a hero — you are still giving to us, in the form of comic material, months after you’ve been removed from the Illinois governor’s office. (Not that you ever actually went to the Illinois governor’s office, but you know what we mean, you fuckin’ guy.) And today, a new scheme, or at least new details on an old scheme: the bankrupt media operation Tribune Co. was riding Blago hard to get Illinois to buy Wrigley Field from Tribune. And when current Tribune owner-weirdo Sam Zell and Blago discussed the scam, they referred to it as “Project Elwood.” MORE »

Ha! We get a tip that says “oh, good grief” with a link to some page called “Support Burris,” and we figured it was just some dumb petition to try to keep Roland Burris in office even though his 15 minutes as Senate Clown from Illinois are up. But no, Roland Burris’s ambitions appear to extend far beyond maintaining the most tenuous of grips on his two-year Senate appointment. MORE »

“SCANDAL MUSHROOMS,” reports the Chicago Sun-Times, and indeed, this scandal is off the hook, mushroom-wise. Latest revelation: “The son of embattled Sen. Roland Burris is a federal tax deadbeat who landed a $75,000-a-year state job under former Gov. Rod Blagojevich five months ago.” Well that just shows how very generous the former governor was, giving out jobs to anyone named Burris and never asking anything in return. [Chicago Sun-Times]

• HA HA HA WHOOPS: “U.S. Sen. Roland Burris, who repeatedly denied anyone tied to disgraced former Gov. Rod Blagojevich solicited him for cash in exchange for his seat, now acknowledges Blagojevich’s brother asked him three times to help with fundraising… In a statement released Saturday, Burris said he didn’t disclose the facts because he ‘was not given the opportunity to’ during the impeachment committee hearing.” Because of racism. [Chicago Tribune]

SEXY NEW WINGNUTS!: The readers of the Huffington Post have selected this young man, the 27-year-old Aaron Schock of Peoria, Illinois, as the “hottest freshman” in Congress this year. Sorry ladies, he’s a Republican! His prize will be 45 minutes alone with Arianna in the “Printing Presses Through the Centuries” section of the Newseum. [HuffPo]

Here’s a preview of former Illinois Gov. “Rod” Blagojevich on tonight’s episode of the David Letterman show. This may have been a step too far for Blago — in case you forgot, he has a real trial coming up, for “criminal” charges — because Letterman at 89 years old is still rather deft at asking certain folks, in the most awkward of ways, why they would appear on his show with 2-ton bindles of bullshit slung over their shoulders. [YouTube]

Here’s some “street video” of our nation’s own Gandhi/MLK, Rod Blagojevich, just chillin’ with his homies, outside his home. He yells “Yes We Can” in Spanish! A child (fake) asks if Rod will play hoops with the kids this summer! He quickly exploits this child for a photo op! It is a valuable fucking thing, this guy’s never-ending fall from grace. MARK OUR WORDS, Rod Blagojevich will compete on Dancing With the Stars. [YouTube]

Hooray, because this fucktard’s sell-by date has long since passed: Rod Blagojevich is gone, thrown out by those communist street organizers in the Illinois Senate — by unanimous vote! Good-bye, Blago! You were really the most shameless, annoying political dingus of this young century, and you were never even funny/terrifying like, say, Sarah Palin. Hope you choke on your pubic-hair wig, loser. [Some TV website in Texas?]

Over the past two months, Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich charmed his way into America’s heart with his nutty appointment schemes, his liberal use of swear words, his employment of dead babies as stage props, and of course his national media blitz this week when the Illinois state legislature was debating his impeachment. He decided to come back to make a PASSIONATE SPEECH today, which we will now write about. MORE »

Well this is surreal! What a waste of time and taxpayer money this Illinois Senate impeachment trial is, just rehashing comical two-month old quotes from the teevee news. Apparently they played the actual recordings of Blago’s famously profane Senate seat auction, though, and you can listen to them here. He has the voice of an angel. [Chicago Tribune]