Tag Archives: illinois

  Pay up bitch

County Wants Aaron Schock To Pay For Special Election To Put New Buttcheeks In His Old Seat

We're sure he'll find a way to Shake This Off too.
Aaron Schock, the hot male personal photographer-having FORMER congressman from Illinois, still has a war chest with $3.3 million in it, due to he was apparently very good at fundraising, and also because he apparently had some very creative methods when it came to doing things on the taxpayers’ dime. Well, now he’s going to have to spend some of it, because the Marshall County Board, outside of Peoria, is really not in the mood to spend $76,000 to cover the costs of the special election party they have to throw, now that their baby-faced Instagram cover model boy had to resign from Congress, for being too much like Abraham Lincoln. Or maybe he resigned because he’s a criminal: Read more on County Wants Aaron Schock To Pay For Special Election To Put New Buttcheeks In His Old Seat…
  It Could Happen

Alan Keyes, Not Crazy: Obama Colluding With Iran To Bomb U.S. Like Hitler, Probably (Not)

What more evidence do you need?
Someone is still bitter about that time Barack Obama kicked his ass, and we’re not even talking about John McCain this time! Nah, we’re mocking wingnut wackadoodle dingbat Alan Keyes, the guy who carpetbagged on over to Illinois three months before the 2004 election, after Republican Senate nominee Jack Ryan had to drop out because sex scandal and also because Illinois. Despite Keyes’s claim that even Jesus Christ his own self would not vote for devil incarnate Obama, pretty much all of Illinois (73 percent) did, and that is how Obama began his journey to illegally usurping the White House, by winning elections. Read more on Alan Keyes, Not Crazy: Obama Colluding With Iran To Bomb U.S. Like Hitler, Probably (Not)…
  Sooo the next senator from Illinois

Tammy Duckworth Will Kick GOP Ass With Her Robot Feet All The Way To U.S. Senate

Genuine Iraq war hero and super-bad badass Tammy Duckworth, the Democratic Illinois representative who had the distinct pleasure of kicking Deadbeat Loser Joe Walsh’s ass in 2012 — with her robot feet! — officially announced on Monday that she’s ready to do even more ass-kicking to become her state’s next senator. Are we excited? Of course we are, and not just because Deadbeat Joe has been dropping not-so-subtle hints that he just might decide to primary Sen. Mark Kirk, from the teabag wing of the Republican Party, which would mean, awwwwwwww yeah, REMATCH! (Which Duckworth would win, OBVIOUSLY.) Read more on Tammy Duckworth Will Kick GOP Ass With Her Robot Feet All The Way To U.S. Senate…
  Shit's getting real

FBI Officially Following Aaron Schock On Instagram

It's not getting easier
Poor young dudebro Rep. Aaron Schock, the hot stud millennial soon-to-be-ex congressman. After weeks of drip-drip-dripping details about his questionable use of campaign funds, maybe he thought announcing his resignation would make all the raised-eyebrow articles and questions about alleged ethics violations and (also hey, what is up with the personal photographer and travel companion taking those super-model pics of him?) stop. Read more on FBI Officially Following Aaron Schock On Instagram…
  He Schocked Me And It Felt Like A Kiss

Millennial Congressbro Aaron Schock Catchin’ Tasty Waves All The Way To The Office Of Congressional Ethics

All he needs are some tasty waves and a good attorney
Looks like it might not all be fun and games and romantic Indian getaways with his “personal photographer” and taxpayer-funded (but reimbursed!) “Downton Abbey”-inspired interior decor for “the first millennial congressman,” Aaron Schock. Stories of Schock’s luxurious “business trips” and extravagant spending and unreported jet-setting keep, uh, coming out, and that is raising a few questions for the pride and joy of Peoria, Illinois: Read more on Millennial Congressbro Aaron Schock Catchin’ Tasty Waves All The Way To The Office Of Congressional Ethics…
  Tell Me Your Dreams

Even GOP Senators Are Sick Of House Wingnuts’ Bullsh*t

Wrong Kirk? Whatever.
Illinois Senator Mark Kirk has a wee bit of advice to his party, especially those fellows over in the House. After the Senate passed a clean bill to fund the Department of Homeland Security for the rest of the year, Kirk told reporters, “Hopefully we’re gonna end the attaching of bullshit to essential items of the government.” Read more on Even GOP Senators Are Sick Of House Wingnuts’ Bullsh*t…
  The More Things Change The More Cops Beat Heads

Chicago Police Cosplay Fun ’24,’ CIA Torture Stuff, For Fun!

Everything Old Is New Again
If you thought that police departments arming themselves with military assault rifles, cruising around in surplus MRAPs, and firing tear gas all willy nilly at protestors was maybe a problem, you’ll really love this report from The Guardian, part of reporter Spencer Ackerman’s series on Chicago police abuses. Turns out that for years, Chicago police have routinely “disappeared” arrestees and interrogated them for periods of 12 to 24 hours before booking them, reading them their rights, or allowing them to see an attorney. Essentially, the Chicago Police Department has its very own version of a “Black Site,” a place to soften people up a little in custody before the official paper trail begins: Read more on Chicago Police Cosplay Fun ’24,’ CIA Torture Stuff, For Fun!…
  let them eat bootstraps

Illinois Gov. Rauner Halts ‘Non-Essential’ Spending Except For His Wife

He's just a regular super rich guy who's a total dick
Pretend Populist and Actual Uber-Wealthy Bully Bruce Rauner is your new governor, Illinois. So all you working stiffs better take notice because your days of making reasonable compensation in consideration for your labor might be numbered. After all, the state is facing a gigantic unfunded pension liability in the neighborhood of 80 to 120 $Rauners. Read more on Illinois Gov. Rauner Halts ‘Non-Essential’ Spending Except For His Wife…
  All The Derp What's Fit To Herp

Derp Roundup: Fans Of Killer Cops Can Breathe Just Fine, Why Do You Ask?

Back away, little pony. These are not nice people.
Time for another roundup of the dumbest of the worst of the unfathomably stupid! We scrape the mishegas off our browser tabs, puree it into a frothy mess, and serve it up to you with a warning to not overdo it on the brain bleach. Proceed with caution and gin. Read more on Derp Roundup: Fans Of Killer Cops Can Breathe Just Fine, Why Do You Ask?…
  The Elephants Are Kindly But They're Dumb

Homeschool Mom Finds Liberal Bias At A Zoo. Also A Country Named ‘Zambibia.’

Megan Fox and reptilian overlord
Fresh off her brilliant destruction of evolution at Chicago’s Field Museum — accomplished by calling science “stupid” and noting that nobody saw what happened 450 million years ago, so shut up — homeschooling mom and amateur conservative skeptic Megan Fox has trained her keen analytical eye on the Brookfield Zoo. She conducts an “audit” — it sounds so professional! — of the exhibits to expose “the Left’s propaganda, lies, and evidence of the cult of Scientism at work.” We hate to disappoint you, kids, but her very limited success as a YouTube phenomenon has already spoiled Megan Fox. After the brilliant science-bashing idiocy of her visit to the Field Museum, her exposé of the zoo is a classic case of sophomore slump. The crazy eyes and manic stupidity are still there, but the magic? The magic is gone. Read more on Homeschool Mom Finds Liberal Bias At A Zoo. Also A Country Named ‘Zambibia.’…
  Blue Crossed Fingers

Here Is A Funny Obamacare Ad, For Funny Joke Times Hooray

You'll be OK. Probably
With Obamacare open enrollment moving right along — and so successful that even John Boehner is keeping his Obamacare — the Illinois ACA exchange, Get Covered Illinois, is running a nifty new ad to inform you that there actually are some no-cost alternatives to having health coverage, like the “Luck Health Plan.” It has no premiums, no deductibles, and only one small down side: no coverage. Read more on Here Is A Funny Obamacare Ad, For Funny Joke Times Hooray…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Meet The Lesbian Who Taught Obama How To Wreck America (Video)

Rachel Maddow covered a story Thursday that she said was “amazing” it hasn’t been told before now. It’s still a little hard to believe just a decade and some years later. Penny Severns was the woman who taught Barack Obama the ropes in the Illinois Senate and who would almost certainly have gone on to become nationally prominent if she hadn’t been killed by breast cancer in 1998. Read more on Morning Maddow: Meet The Lesbian Who Taught Obama How To Wreck America (Video)…
  Nearly was An Also-Ran

What Happened To The ‘Gays Cause Autism’ Lady? Your Fringe Candidate Roundup!

There's always 2016...
We know what you’re thinking. “Did the bizarro Illinois lady who said that autism, dementia, and tornados are God’s punishment for abortions and ghey marriage actually get elected to Congress?” This being the kind of election year that brought Joni Ernst and James Lankford to the Senate, you’ve got to ask yourselves: “Do I even want to know?” Well, do ya, punks? Let’s just see what happened to some of the more… colorful candidates last week (mostly, the color is red with vein-bursting rage). Read more on What Happened To The ‘Gays Cause Autism’ Lady? Your Fringe Candidate Roundup!…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: You People Lost An Election, So Shut Up Now

Equestria's political system is a matter of some speculation. Fandom is weird.
As you may have heard, there was an election this week, and The People Have Spoken. Or at least The People who bothered to vote have spoken, and they are the ones what matter. Not surprisingly, the results of the election have sent ripples into the fetid exploding foamy pigdoot lagoon that is our comment queue, and so in the spirit of sharing, we bring you this important note from “collioure1,” who wants us to know that Our Side Lost, and we therefore have no call to question the brilliance of Senator-elect Joni Ernst: Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: You People Lost An Election, So Shut Up Now…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Electoral Dysfunction Edition

Wonkette does not allow magic scrolls, either.
Is it Saturday already? Must be time to put on the old Hazmat suit — which we never leave the house without now, on account of the ‘bola — and go skim off the worst of the dumbth in the comment queue for you, our dear readers. It’s an eclectic grab bag of goo this week, but we see that we moved some folks to political activism! Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Electoral Dysfunction Edition…
  Actually This Is About Ethics In Political Journalism

Wow, Bajillionaire Bruce Rauner Is A Real A-Hole

Who's got two thumbs and is a total jerk? This guy!
This guy. Jesus, this guy. Republican Bruce Rauner, who has more money than God and a better wine collection too, wants to be the next dude to get evicted from the Illinois governor’s mansion and sent to prison. (That’s what happens to all of them, right?) Read more on Wow, Bajillionaire Bruce Rauner Is A Real A-Hole…
  Here have some news n stuff

Did Bazillionaire Bruce Rauner Bully A Reporter Out Of His Job? Yes. Yes, He Did.

He's just a regular super rich guy who's a total dick
Bruce Rauner, the Republican candidate for Illinois governor, is just a regular guy with a van. Oh, and a $100,000 wine club membership. And some Cayman Islands cash. And a charming disposition, by which we mean he allegedly said of a former employee who was suing him that he’d bury her, and hurt her and her family, and make her “radioactive.” Nice guy! (That is sarcasm.) And also, it seems, he is a first-rate bully. And we don’t mean the kind who steals your lunch money. The now-former Chicago Sun-Times reporter David McKinney posted his resignation letter online, in which he describes the consequences he faced after reporting on the lawsuit we just mentioned. The one over which Rauner allegedly made those nice-guy threats. It’s pretty un-freaking-believable: Read more on Did Bazillionaire Bruce Rauner Bully A Reporter Out Of His Job? Yes. Yes, He Did….
  Here have some news n stuff

Some Dumb Lady: Consent Will Ruin Good Sex, Boo Hoo

It's really not that hard
This dumb lady writer at Reason has a real confuse and thinks California’s new consent law makes sex no fun anymore. Sad face. Feminists are super excited about California’s newly minted “yes means yes” law that they claim will not only make sex safer on American campuses, but also better. But that’s as credible as telling little boys that masturbation will make them blind. To the extent that the law works, it will actually ruin both good men and good sex. […] Read more on Some Dumb Lady: Consent Will Ruin Good Sex, Boo Hoo…
  The Rant Is too Damn High

Illinois GOP Candidate’s Hobbies Include Screaming, Dog Shooting, Gun Losing

He seems nice
Let’s meet Illinois state Rep. Mike Bost, who’s hoping to unseat freshman congressman William Enyart in the 12th district. Bost’s campaign slogan is “Passionate Leadership for Southern Illinois,” which is his attempt to turn his status as a minor YouTube celebrity into a Congressional seat. YouTube just loves his occasional tantrums on the floor of the Illinois House, like the time in 2012 when he had a meltdown over what he believed was unfair rules of procedure — rules that he had voted for when Republicans held the chamber. While screaming about the Democrats’ oppressive floor rules that had been “crammed down our throats” (again, rules which he had voted for and which Dems kept when they took over the House), he threw a stack of paper in the air, punched them, and shouted “Let my people go!” It’s kind of epic, and pretty much the sort of thing we’d love to see in the U.S. House, because while we like good government, we depend on a steady stream of bad government to write about. Read more on Illinois GOP Candidate’s Hobbies Include Screaming, Dog Shooting, Gun Losing…
  After The Election Rob Ford Can Live In It Down By The River

Zillionaire Bruce Rauner Has An Old Van, So Illinois Must Make Him Governor

He's just a regular super rich guy who's a total dick
Bejillionaire Republican Bruce Rauner would very much like to be the next governor of Illinois, and would like everyone to know what a regular, ordinary guy he is. Sure, maybe he occasionally indulges in a few nice things, like a membership in a wine club that costs $100,000 to join, but otherwise he’s just like any other regular Joe Six-Domaine Leflaive Montrachet Grand Cru, really. He puts his bespoke jeans on one leg at a time just like anyone else, in one of his nine homes. And by god, if he becomes governor, he’ll live in one that’s located in Springfield, instead of flying from Chicago to the capital like incumbent Pat Quinn does, and then he’ll sell the state-owned plane on ebay just like Sarah Palin did, at a loss if necessary, to show He Cares About The Taxpayers. And to prove it, he’s made an ad featuring a 20-year-old Volkswagen camper van that you better believe is his daily driver, because owning an old truck is how rich guys with multiple houses get elected in America. Read more on Zillionaire Bruce Rauner Has An Old Van, So Illinois Must Make Him Governor…