Wonkette

Two things! Barack Obama will appear with his so-called “vice president” in Springfield, Illinois — where he started his campaign 20 years ago — on Saturday. Oh neat. Also, Mark Halperin hears that Tom Ridge is no longer a possibility for John McCain, probably because Tom Ridge kills babies. So the current veepstakes predictions stand, according to our Wonkette Maths, as (1) Biden (2) Bayh (3) Kaine for the Democrats and (1) Romney (2) Pawlenty (3) Lieberman for the Republicans. But watch out for surprises! Obama could pick a Balinese Cock, because he loves Balinese Cock. [Lynn Sweet, The Page]

Who cares about the stupid New Yorker cover? It just makes the silly-sallies at the Obama campaign look like, uh, silly-sallies, and makes the New Yorker look terribly unfunny, which it is, except for that Anthony Lane who is a stitch. No, the New Yorker is a not a comedic but a Journalistic magazine — and it can also help you figure out your summer vacations plans! Since you all have no homes or money, consider spending your “staycation” this way: roll yourself in a barrel down the street to your nearest public library with free Internet access, go to NewYorker.com and spend an ENTIRE WEEK reading Ryan Lizza’s 15,000-word — that’s 15 internet pages! — opus on Barack Obama’s Chicago days. What fun! We heard that Barack Obama threatens to kick someone’s ass in the piece, and since we are Dumb Americans, we found this juicy bit and read nothing else. MORE »

Oh Hillary Clinton, you scourge. Here is her new ad for the great state of Indiana, which is next to Illinois, which is where Hillary is from! That’s her line of logic. Hey, Isn’t Barack a senator from Illinois? Yes he is — black Illinois, though.

Linda Ramirez-Sliwinski, an Illinois delegate to the Democratic National Convention for Barack Obama, recently got a $75 disorderly conduct ticket from local police “for calling some African-African neighborhood children ‘monkeys’ as they were climbing a tree.” It is clear that she must be one of those secret delegates for Clinton who will switch her vote on the third nominating ballot! MORE »

Democratic Senators Chuck Schumer (NY) and Dick Durbin (IL)–a Clinton and an Obama supporter, respectively–are what D.C. insiders call “roommates.” They sparred like Montagues and Capulets on Meet the Press yesterday, and in the end they admitted that Dick was the one who makes the bed back at home. At least the Republicans have the decency to conduct this sort of behavior in the privacy of their own public bathroom stalls. [Meet the Press]

Cast your mind back to the days before Barack Obama was our President. Do you remember that time in 2004 when he ran for the Senate? And how his first opponent dropped out because the guy wanted to see his alien wife having sex in public? And then Alan Keyes threw his hat in the ring, giving the American public the gift of 86 days of unadulterated crazy? Good times! MORE »

The beloved mayor of Rosemont, Illinois, died just two months ago after more than 50 years as the leader of the busy village. But Mayor Donald Stephens angrily vowed to return to our dimension should his son ruin his legacy. MORE »

Grammy-winning Senator Barack Hussein Obama held a summit with popular Oprah-hating rapper Ludacris to discuss the AIDS crisis and new, experimental “Release Therapy.” MORE »

That’s the verdict of Georgia columnist Nicklaus Lovelady, who writes about government for something called The Henry Daily Herald. Lovelady was young once, and in love with an intern. Until a slick, charismatic son-of-a-goatherd entered the picture. Lovelady had the misfortune to catch a speech by the Senator in the company of the object of his (presumably) inept affections. We’ll let Lovelady take it from here:

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• Pakistani newspaper reports, “Macaca communities in Virginia have taken their sweet revenge.” [Comedy Central Insider]

• It was Robert Gates’ experience exaggerating enemy military strength that landed him the job. [Rising Hegemon]
• Nancy Pelosi really is planning to impeach Bush — and only Malkin knows the truth. [Michelle Malkin]
• Allen tells Webb, “Don’t rearrange the furniture, I’ll be back in 2012.” [MoJo Blog]
• Jon Tester: “I too have dabbled in pacifism.” [Tbogg]
• Republican losses cause Rush Limbaugh to feel “liberated,” meaning he is now free to recycle Clinton era talking points about the evil Democratic establishment. [Media Matters]
• Howard Dean will not rest until he has counted every last Republican vote. [Scrappleface]
• Jesse Jackson Jr. can’t stop eating perogies and dancing polka; excitement about the new congressional majority has turned him white. [The Swamp]