ALITO SUCKS  12:05 pm June 30, 2014

Supreme Court Dicks Over Unions

by DDM

Hey, did you know that there were TWO decisions from the Supreme Bishops Court today? Before they announced that ‘Corporations are religious people, my friend,’ they announced a decision about unions. And we saw that unions were once again weakened: The Supreme Court ruled narrowly on Monday that some government employees do not have to […]

Where were you when you heard the news that some guy running for Illinois governor cheated on his first wife 20 years ago? Was it right now, because who the fuck cares, Jesus Christ? Nobody seems to have picked up on Hunter Walker’s May 5 Business Insider SCOOPTYSCOOP that some guy running for Illinois governor […]

The nation’s clutching salts, fainting necklaces, and smelling couches were nearly overwhelmed this week by the news that an inaccurate summary of the Second Amendment was distributed to innocent seventh-graders at Grant Middle School in Springfield, Illinois. At issue was this description of the Most Holy of Holy Constitutional rights: “This amendment states that people […]

Time for a quick Fringe Candidate Update, Ye Wonkers: you may remember our brief mention of long-shot Republican congressional candidate Susanne Atanus back in January, when it looked like her decidedly unorthodox views on how diseases and weather work might lead to her dropping out of the primary race for Illinois’s 9th Congressional District. She […]

You might or might not remember former Illinois Congressweirdo Mel Reynolds, a seriously freaky guy who in the early ’90s managed to get elected — twice — despite being more than a little bit skeevy. His Chicago district somehow managed to send him back to Congress in 1994 even after he’d been accused of doing […]

Those damned Obamas with their dogs eating imaginary steak off bone china (get it???) and their fancy-schmancy designer frocks! Something must be done to bring their wild living down to earth, because they got all fancied up for a formal state dinner for that man from Frenchietown, just like every other president ever, but that […]

Illinois Treasurer Dan Rutherford would really like to be Governor, but he’s got a teensy little problem: persistent rumors that he’s gay (a possible electoral drawback for someone with an “R” after his name) and worse, rumors that he had sexually harassed male staffers. And then Monday, staffer Ed Michalowski, Rutherford’s director of community affairs […]

So here we are, not quite to the end of the first month of Election Year 2014, and already some of the fine crop of fringe candidates have been felled or gravely sent to the Mockatorium by their own stoopid mouths. Let’s take a quick look at some of the folks who have either dropped […]

An Illinois man, Howard Leventhal, pleaded guilty Monday to multiple counts of fraud in a scam that beamed away some $25 million from investors into a bogus scheme to build a “medical tricorder” just like the one used by “Doctor Spock” in the popular Star Wars television series. What’s worse, he named the fake device […]

Let’s have a round of applause for U.S. District Court Judge Thomas Durkin, and a congratulatory toast, plus a few buckets of tears, for Vernita Gray and Patricia Ewert, who thanks to Judge Durkin became the first couple to wed under Illinois’ new law allowing same-sex marriage. The law doesn’t officially go into effect until […]

We are unironically happy that Jim Hoft, the stupidest man on the internet, is back and healthy and blogging again, because he’s an excellent source of completely ridiculous stuff like this: “Outrageous!… Common Core Book Teaches Children White Voters Rejected Obama Because of Race” Ohmigosh, are we back to the little children being forced to […]

Fox News Radio’s bipedal panic robot Todd Starnes has discovered yet another element of Obamacare’s insidious plot to kill grandma: A sociology class at St. Joseph-Ogden High School in St. Joseph, Illinois, that was given an assignment to decide which of ten fictional characters would receive life-saving medical treatment: The lesson involves 10 people who […]

In yet another instance of political correctness run amok, a county GOP chair in Illinois has resigned under pressure after calling former Miss America Erika Harold a “street walker” and other charming phrases. Harold is a Republican herself, running in a primary against Montgomery County GOP Chairman Jim Allen’s favored candidate, incumbent Rep. Rodney Davis. […]

In the case of one dumb, defeated ex-congressman, Joe Walsh, being booted out of office after one term surprisingly did not provoke him into carefully reevaluating his beliefs and approach towards life. Instead, he quadrupled down on what he is best at: being a deadbeat motherfuckin’ dad. Now that he has no job, the former […]

Chicago is a mess of kids murdering each other with guns. Hundreds of children, each and every year, and it does not get the attention it should because the murders are of black kids by black kids. We are all aware of this, right? Well idiot defeated congressman Joe Walsh is aware of this too, […]