Tag Archives: illinois

  Are Your Kids Getting Enough Exorcise?

Illinois Bishop Has Godly Plan To Keep Gay Cooties Out Of Schools

Non-Sex-Having Man Wearing Dress Wants To Lecture You On Sexual Norms
Non-Sex-Having Man Wearing Dress Wants To Lecture You On Sexual Norms In an attempt to clamp down on all the rampant sin in Springfield, Illinois, the local Catholic diocese is planning to rid its schools of the offspring of homosexxxicans. Also, for the sake of insisting that they’re not bigots, the schools will aim to weed out kids whose parents aren’t “living in accord with church teaching.” Parents are not required to actually be Catholic, but they darn well better do sex like Catholics are supposed to, according to a new “Family School Agreement” pushed by Bishop Thomas Paprocki. Read more on Illinois Bishop Has Godly Plan To Keep Gay Cooties Out Of Schools…
  Pried From His Warm Tingling Hands

Shoplifter Hates Obama, Loves His New G-Spot Delight Vibrator

The new face of crime in America
The new face of crime in America An Illinois man — yes, we know, the headline suggests Florida — was arrested last month after an employee at a marital aids emporium called police to report him for shoplifting a vibrator, which he (the suspect) had stuffed into his (the suspect’s) pants. For good measure, the man then walked around the shop for a while with the vibrator in his pants, as one does. Officers arrested Christopher Hucko, 44, at the Orland Park Lover’s Lane when they spotted him departing from the business “with a large bulge in his pants,” as police delicately put it. He was apparently not happy to see them. It’s the greatest sex toy crime since a 2011 incident in which a militia loon planning an attack on a Tennessee courthouse was also found to have a remote-controlled pink dildo and a DVD of “Tranny Hunter” in his possession. Read more on Shoplifter Hates Obama, Loves His New G-Spot Delight Vibrator…
  wait what?

GOP Senator Enraged Obama Giving Arms To Iran, Wait That Was Reagan

Barack Obama and one of his Persian lovers.
To say that Republicans have become unhinged over President Obama’s Iran deal would be a generous understatement. But “moderate” (hahaha) Sen. Mark Kirk, Republican of Illinois, may (at least for the moment) be the most unhinged of all. Did you know that Obama reached this agreement so that we can give all the nukes to Iran so they can murder everyone in the Middle East? IT’S TRUE! At least it’s true if you live in Mark Kirk’s brain. Read more on GOP Senator Enraged Obama Giving Arms To Iran, Wait That Was Reagan…
  Worser and worser

This Lady Says Sick Bastard Denny Hastert Molested The Hell Out Of Her Brother In High School

Sick fuck if true
Remember when we told you the story of the indictment of former Speaker of the House Denny Hastert, for allegedly paying hush money to cover up his sexual abuse of a former student known only as “Individual A,” was only going to get worse? It’s worse. Read more on This Lady Says Sick Bastard Denny Hastert Molested The Hell Out Of Her Brother In High School…
  we can say it out loud now

Yep, Ex-Speaker Denny Hastert Paid Hush Money To Cover Up Kid-Diddling. ALLEGEDLY.

Not actually Denny Hastert
So yeah. The dark secret not detailed in the indictment against former Republican House Speaker Denny Hastert, for allegedly agreeing to pay “Individual A” $3.5 million to keep his dark secret a secret and lying to the FBI about it? The details of which U.S. Attorney Zachary T. Fardon agreed to omit from the indictment for reasons we cannot begin to imagine? Well, according to the L.A. Times, Hastert’s secret is that he a sick son of a bitch whose “prior misconduct” was sexually abusing someone who’d known Hastert most of his life (a former student, maybe?), back in his coaching and teaching days, before he became a member of Congress: Read more on Yep, Ex-Speaker Denny Hastert Paid Hush Money To Cover Up Kid-Diddling. ALLEGEDLY….
  It's always the cover-up

Let’s Remember That Time Speaker Denny Hastert Covered Up A GOP Sex Scandal!

Shed a tear for Denny
Back when Republican Denny Hastert was Speaker of the House — before he became a lobbyist and before he was indicted for paying someone a whole lot of hush money to cover up “prior misconduct,” whatever that means, we are terrified to find out — there was this whole other thing Hastert tried to keep all hushed up, and it was a gross Republican sex scandal (our favorite kind). Time to flashback thingy! Read more on Let’s Remember That Time Speaker Denny Hastert Covered Up A GOP Sex Scandal!…
  Allegedly

Ex-Speaker Denny Hastert Indicted For Paying Hush Money To Cover Up Something REAL Bad

Good point!
Once upon a time, while the Republican Party was trying to recover from its self-inflicted wounds after its disastrous impeachment trial of President Bill Clinton for getting an extramarital hummer, conservative evangelical Illinois Republican Dennis Hastert became Speaker of the House. He wasn’t the first choice; Speaker Newt Gingrich had decided to retire, after making a mess of Congress, and the party’s second choice, Bob Livingston, also resigned in disgrace — for sexytiming someone who was not his wife — before he could even assume the position. Runner-up Hastert eventually landed the gig because of his clean-as-a-whistle reputation. Certainly he would not bring hypocritical shame to the party that had just thrown a constitutional temper tantrum over a blowjob. Until now. Read more on Ex-Speaker Denny Hastert Indicted For Paying Hush Money To Cover Up Something REAL Bad…
  Pay up bitch

County Wants Aaron Schock To Pay For Special Election To Put New Buttcheeks In His Old Seat

We're sure he'll find a way to Shake This Off too.
Aaron Schock, the hot male personal photographer-having FORMER congressman from Illinois, still has a war chest with $3.3 million in it, due to he was apparently very good at fundraising, and also because he apparently had some very creative methods when it came to doing things on the taxpayers’ dime. Well, now he’s going to have to spend some of it, because the Marshall County Board, outside of Peoria, is really not in the mood to spend $76,000 to cover the costs of the special election party they have to throw, now that their baby-faced Instagram cover model boy had to resign from Congress, for being too much like Abraham Lincoln. Or maybe he resigned because he’s a criminal: Read more on County Wants Aaron Schock To Pay For Special Election To Put New Buttcheeks In His Old Seat…
  It Could Happen

Alan Keyes, Not Crazy: Obama Colluding With Iran To Bomb U.S. Like Hitler, Probably (Not)

What more evidence do you need?
Someone is still bitter about that time Barack Obama kicked his ass, and we’re not even talking about John McCain this time! Nah, we’re mocking wingnut wackadoodle dingbat Alan Keyes, the guy who carpetbagged on over to Illinois three months before the 2004 election, after Republican Senate nominee Jack Ryan had to drop out because sex scandal and also because Illinois. Despite Keyes’s claim that even Jesus Christ his own self would not vote for devil incarnate Obama, pretty much all of Illinois (73 percent) did, and that is how Obama began his journey to illegally usurping the White House, by winning elections. Read more on Alan Keyes, Not Crazy: Obama Colluding With Iran To Bomb U.S. Like Hitler, Probably (Not)…
  Sooo the next senator from Illinois

Tammy Duckworth Will Kick GOP Ass With Her Robot Feet All The Way To U.S. Senate

Genuine Iraq war hero and super-bad badass Tammy Duckworth, the Democratic Illinois representative who had the distinct pleasure of kicking Deadbeat Loser Joe Walsh’s ass in 2012 — with her robot feet! — officially announced on Monday that she’s ready to do even more ass-kicking to become her state’s next senator. Are we excited? Of course we are, and not just because Deadbeat Joe has been dropping not-so-subtle hints that he just might decide to primary Sen. Mark Kirk, from the teabag wing of the Republican Party, which would mean, awwwwwwww yeah, REMATCH! (Which Duckworth would win, OBVIOUSLY.) Read more on Tammy Duckworth Will Kick GOP Ass With Her Robot Feet All The Way To U.S. Senate…
  Shit's getting real

FBI Officially Following Aaron Schock On Instagram

It's not getting easier
Poor young dudebro Rep. Aaron Schock, the hot stud millennial soon-to-be-ex congressman. After weeks of drip-drip-dripping details about his questionable use of campaign funds, maybe he thought announcing his resignation would make all the raised-eyebrow articles and questions about alleged ethics violations and (also hey, what is up with the personal photographer and travel companion taking those super-model pics of him?) stop. Read more on FBI Officially Following Aaron Schock On Instagram…
  He Schocked Me And It Felt Like A Kiss

Millennial Congressbro Aaron Schock Catchin’ Tasty Waves All The Way To The Office Of Congressional Ethics

All he needs are some tasty waves and a good attorney
Looks like it might not all be fun and games and romantic Indian getaways with his “personal photographer” and taxpayer-funded (but reimbursed!) “Downton Abbey”-inspired interior decor for “the first millennial congressman,” Aaron Schock. Stories of Schock’s luxurious “business trips” and extravagant spending and unreported jet-setting keep, uh, coming out, and that is raising a few questions for the pride and joy of Peoria, Illinois: Read more on Millennial Congressbro Aaron Schock Catchin’ Tasty Waves All The Way To The Office Of Congressional Ethics…
  Tell Me Your Dreams

Even GOP Senators Are Sick Of House Wingnuts’ Bullsh*t

Wrong Kirk? Whatever.
Illinois Senator Mark Kirk has a wee bit of advice to his party, especially those fellows over in the House. After the Senate passed a clean bill to fund the Department of Homeland Security for the rest of the year, Kirk told reporters, “Hopefully we’re gonna end the attaching of bullshit to essential items of the government.” Read more on Even GOP Senators Are Sick Of House Wingnuts’ Bullsh*t…
  The More Things Change The More Cops Beat Heads

Chicago Police Cosplay Fun ’24,’ CIA Torture Stuff, For Fun!

Everything Old Is New Again
If you thought that police departments arming themselves with military assault rifles, cruising around in surplus MRAPs, and firing tear gas all willy nilly at protestors was maybe a problem, you’ll really love this report from The Guardian, part of reporter Spencer Ackerman’s series on Chicago police abuses. Turns out that for years, Chicago police have routinely “disappeared” arrestees and interrogated them for periods of 12 to 24 hours before booking them, reading them their rights, or allowing them to see an attorney. Essentially, the Chicago Police Department has its very own version of a “Black Site,” a place to soften people up a little in custody before the official paper trail begins: Read more on Chicago Police Cosplay Fun ’24,’ CIA Torture Stuff, For Fun!…