Tag Archives: idiots

  it's got electrolytes!

Wise Utah Legislator To Give Plants What They Crave

Big news from Utah, science fans! A brave and wise idiot retired science teacher and current legislator wants to put the brakes on any plans the state might have to cap industrial emissions of carbon dioxide or other “natural” gases (HA! Fart joke!). Rep. Jerry Anderson (R-Idiocracy) says the problem isn’t too MUCH carbon in the atmosphere, it’s too little, because today’s air has just a fraction of the greenhouse gas that was there when dinosaurs roamed the earth. And greenhouses are a way to make the desert bloom! “We are short of carbon dioxide for the needs of the plants,” Anderson told a state legislative committee Tuesday. “Concentrations reached 600 parts per million at the time of the dinosaurs and they did quite well. I think we could double the carbon dioxide and not have any adverse effects.” Unfortunately, Anderson’s bill has stalled, despite a warm reception in committee, over a few nerdish objections to “poisoning.” The bill forbids putting limits on the amounts of “naturally occurring” atmospheric components such as oxygen, carbon dioxide and nitrogen, as well as noble gases. We learned about the periodic table of elements from our fourth-grade science teacher, Mr. Crowell, a great American who looked like Martin Landau and drove a Volvo P1800 sports car. So we know that not all “noble” or “inert” gases from the helium and neon column are actually inert when it comes to human lungs. Read more on Wise Utah Legislator To Give Plants What They Crave…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Bushel Basket Of Bumpkins, Boobs, and ‘Baggers

Welcome, wonkeesters, to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we hose down the news, filter out the stories that weren’t quite worth a whole post but too stoopid to ignore altogether, spray the whole mess with cheap booze, and bring you the runoff. Enjoy! Our first story violates the entire premise of Derp, in that it is actually a story of Pure American Ingenuity and Awesomeness. So sue us for false labeling. Outside Austin Monday, on Texas Highway 71, off-duty Houston Fire Department Captain Craig Moreau pulled over to help an 18-wheeler that had smoke pouring from its rear wheels. The brakes had locked and the tire was “flaming pretty good,” Moreau said, and the driver’s fire extinguisher was not up to the job. Moreau asked what the driver was hauling. “Beer! It’s all beer!” And then, he says, one of the burning tires exploded, and Moreau asked the driver to open up the truck and start passing him tallboys. “I shook them up, and popped a top one at a time until the fire was out and the brakes were cool,” Moreau wrote. “Thankfully they were tallboys. I couldn’t help but laugh at the irony of it all, he was so shaken up that the humor escaped him.” Quite a few cans of Coors Banquet beer later, the fire was out. And Craig Moreau is a hero, both for saving the day and for discovering something that Coors is actually good for. Protip: Do not try this with Scotch. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Bushel Basket Of Bumpkins, Boobs, and ‘Baggers…
  math-ers of the universe

Fox Business Analyst Super Sure Obama Might Resign, Maybe, Because Math And Nixon

Today in Wishful Thinking: Fox Business News ran this tantalizing headline yesterday: “Analyst Sees Chance of Obama Resignation.” And by golly, there is nothing at all untrue about it! They found a Wall Street investment analyst who has “27 years of experience in the securities industry” and based on his excellent science, he figures there’s no more than a 90% chance that Obama will see out the rest of his term: “If ObamaCare is the fiasco that some headlines are suggesting it is, I place the odds around 10% the president will resign before next November’s election,” said Kent Engelke, managing director at the brokerage Capitol Securities Management. We bet there’s some seriously complex calculations that went into that precise determination, seeing as how this is a financial wizard what makes a living carefully weighing all the possible factors involved in a stock’s performance? He probably has a complex formula that accounts for all kinds of variables, and maybe he even consulted the entrails of a chicken (one that had been fucked to death by Todd Starnes). Let’s see what arcane factors went into his precise estimate! Engelke … says he got the 10% number from a simple calculation: 7% of all U.S. presidents faced impeachment or resignation (Presidents Andrew Johnson and Bill Clinton were impeached, while President Nixon resigned). He adds in another 3% due to the heightened animosity between president Obama and Republicans in congress. Wow! Don’t you want to invest all your money with that number genius? Read more on Fox Business Analyst Super Sure Obama Might Resign, Maybe, Because Math And Nixon…
  punctuation marxists

Stupidest Guest Blogger On Internet Unaware That Punctuation Can Denote ‘Sarcasm’

Oh, Gateway Pundit… c’mon, guys, it’s time for you to just admit that you’re a wacky bunch of performance artists, isn’t it? Nobody can really be this stoopid, can they? Ah, but this is Mara Zebest, the Stupidest Guest Blogger on the Internet, who wrote an extended analysis of how Barack Obama was photo-shoopied into the Situation Room photo during the Bin Laden raid, because Pixels, so maybe we shouldn’t be so surprised. So here’s the Big Scoop, complete with all-caps in the headline: SHOCK CONFESSION: Bill Ayers Reveals He Is Author Of “Dreams From My Father” in Latest Book And here’s Zebest’s astonishing evidence, from an announcement on Red Emma’s bookstore webpage promoting a reading by Ayers from his book Public Enemy: Confessions of an American Dissident: Ayers reveals how he has navigated the challenges and triumphs of this public life with steadfastness and a dash of good humor — from the red carpet at the Oscars, to prison vigils and airports (where he is often detained and where he finally “confesses” that he did write Dreams from My Father) [emphasis added by Zebest — Dok Zoom] Yep. That’s it, all right. Zebest is so proud of her gotcha: Finally, the truth comes out. Obama’s biography was written by an unrepentant Marxist terrorist. Mara Zebest, we say this with all sincerity: You are very, very “smart.” Good “catch.” You have all us libruls “trembling” with “fear.” (Also, “Red Emma’s” is a brilliant name for a bookstore.) Read more on Stupidest Guest Blogger On Internet Unaware That Punctuation Can Denote ‘Sarcasm’…
  I'll show you mine

North Carolina Man Accidentally Discharges Gun In Body Shaming Store While Discussing Finer Points Of Second Amendment

Finally, here’s a story about an idiot with a gun that we can laugh at without feeling like terrible people! Last Tuesday evening, Some Unknown Guy went to the Winkler Street GNC in Wilkesboro, North Carolina, like we all do when we need to buy some foul-tasting dehydrated fat to make us fatter, or just to shoot the breeze with the people who work at GNC, who are our dear friends. That Tuesday, the conversation turned as usual to our American Second Amendment Right To Wave Around Guns Like A Moron, and you’ll never guess what happened next. Read more on North Carolina Man Accidentally Discharges Gun In Body Shaming Store While Discussing Finer Points Of Second Amendment…
  They Did the Derpy Mash

Derp Roundup: Special All Hallows’ Eve Edition

Hey-ho, Wonkerinos and Wonkerinas! Here we are at the day before Halloween, and as usual, some people are just cold insisting on celebrating the coming holiday by hanging bats in their belfries. Let’s have a look: Read more on Derp Roundup: Special All Hallows’ Eve Edition…
  nuclear combat toe to toe with the palmetto state

We Are All Going To Feel Pretty Stupid When Barack Obama Really Does Nuke Charleston, South Carolina

Wow, did you hear about how Barack Hussein Obama completely lost his mind and fired a bunch of generals a couple weeks ago, after they refused to drop nukes on Charleston, South Carolina? IT’S COMPLETELY TRUE, we read it on Ron Paul’s Website. OK, not Ron Paul’s actual website, but a website run by Ron Paul fans, which is almost exactly the same thing. So here’s exactly what happened: A shocking new Main Intelligence Directorate (GRU) report circulating in the Kremlin today states that President Barack Obama, while in a rage, ousted four of the United States top ranking military officers after they refused to detonate a nuclear device “in/near” Charleston, South Carolina this past week and, instead, exploded it off the Atlantic Coast. That obviously explains the October 8 earthquake off the east coast, because everybody knows there are no earthquakes on that side of the country. Also, there are a lot of loons allowed loose on the internet. Read more on We Are All Going To Feel Pretty Stupid When Barack Obama Really Does Nuke Charleston, South Carolina…
  idiots on parade

A Children’s Treasury Of All The Lunatics At Sunday’s Million Vet March

give me a fancy coif or give me ...
There were not quite one million veterans at the World War II Memorial on Sunday morning. When your correspondent arrived at 8:30, having already passed a cluster of Oath Keepers staging on the Starbucks patio at 18th and I, about five hundred people were peaceably assembled in the open space of the memorial. Whatever violence had been done to the Barrycades had already transpired, as they were lying defeated in heaps next to busted-open sandbags, festooned with flags. With an improvised sound system that was not quite up to the task, the program was soon underway: the Pledge of Allegiance, the National Anthem, and words of encouragement from some of the nation’s illustrious elected officials, one of whom has, at the time of this writing, completed a term in office. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of All The Lunatics At Sunday’s Million Vet March…
  runnin' his pissflaps

Non-Racist Alex Jones Wonders Why All These Racist Blacks & Hispanics Keep Attacking Him

Conspiracy freak and spokesman for the reality-challenged American community Alex Jones wants you to know that he bears no ill will toward the blacks, even though he says he’s been “racially attacked” by them roughly eleventy-jillion times. “I’ve been racially attacked by black people, probably — let’s not exaggerate — thirty-five times?” Jones said. “I’ve been racially attacked by Hispanics, let’s not exaggerate, five times. Let me tell you, that’s when you really get hurt bad. Compound fractures, you name it.” The Evel Knievel of American race relations did not specify how many of these alleged attacks took place in the dimension that contains the Planet Earth, or which of them may have occurred as the result of mind-control rays being aimed at his assailants from the Defense Department’s HAARP facilities in the Arctic Circle. He also made no mention of the possibility that chemtrails may have been to blame. Read more on Non-Racist Alex Jones Wonders Why All These Racist Blacks & Hispanics Keep Attacking Him…
  boobs

This New Hampshire Rep Just Emailed His Colleagues This Very Good Picture Of Boobs

O hai TEXAS! What are you doing? Just cold illustratin’ this list of gun “facts,” as sent around to all his colleagues by New Hampshire Brain Genius Rep. Gary Hopper? Sounds like hard work. You keep bein’ you. So, okay. Nice cans, illustrating some New Hampshire representative’s very well-thought-out gun stuff. But the ENTIRE EMAIL THREAD is full of knockers and horsey sex! Read more on This New Hampshire Rep Just Emailed His Colleagues This Very Good Picture Of Boobs…
  winged dickery

Wanker At 30,000 Feet: United Airlines Sued After Letting Man Treat Aisle Seat As His Very Own Cockpit

An 18 year old airline passenger is suing the pants off United Airlines after a flight crew took no action on her repeated complaints about a disgusting passenger who was “masturbating and exposing his penis” for “long periods” on a six-hour flight last October. Monica Amestoy, who was 17 at the time, is seeking damages for negligence, intentional infliction of emotional distress and false imprisonment. Yr Wonkette hopes that United is also found liable on grounds of Aggravated What the Fuck, Man? and recommends that everyone who ignored Ms. Amestoy’s complaints is sent.enced to sit next to some sweaty wheezing guy in a cramped commuter jet. With a broken toilet. And seat-kicking toddlers behind them. Forever. Read more on Wanker At 30,000 Feet: United Airlines Sued After Letting Man Treat Aisle Seat As His Very Own Cockpit…
  go back to narnia

South Carolina Dem Chair Has Totally Believable Lie About Dumb Thing He Said About Nikki Haley

Oh Southern Dems. First you shoot your own fool faces off by being SUPER FUCKING RACIST about Mitch McConnell’s Taiwan-born wife, Elaine Chao, who’s enough of an asshole that you DON’T ACTUALLY HAVE TO BRING HER ASIANNESS INTO IT. Well, now the chair of the South Carolina Democratic Party has said an idiot SUPER FUCKING RACIST thing about Governor Nikki Haley. At the Jefferson/Jackson Dinner. Because if you are going to say shitty SUPER FUCKING RACIST things, it should definitely be at the dinner named for the dude who impregnated his slave and the other dude who killed all the Indians, and then, when Supreme Court Chief Justice* John Marshall told him to stop killing all the Indians, invented the awesome catchphrase “YOU AND WHAT ARMY.” Anyway, now he is lying about it. Read more on South Carolina Dem Chair Has Totally Believable Lie About Dumb Thing He Said About Nikki Haley…
  Jesus Built My Hotrod Of Correction

Here Are Your ‘Winning’ Bradlee Dean Pix ‘N Lawyer Letters (You Win Nothing!)

After we received a delightful phoney-baloney legal threat from Expert Showman Bradlee Dean’s assistant lickspittle, just because we supposably “defamed” Dean by directly quoting him, we asked you, the Wonkettariat, to show us your fauxto chops and serve us up some manipulated images, for Comedy! We also asked you to prepare us some lawyerly replies to the underling’s Nastygram. And did you ever come through! Our winning entry, above, is by “Muhammed_PBUH,” who will receive a brand-new Wonkette “Rod of Correction” Edition M1A Abrams Main Battle Tank, perfect for home or office use. More exciting Pix ‘n’ Letters after the jump! Read more on Here Are Your ‘Winning’ Bradlee Dean Pix ‘N Lawyer Letters (You Win Nothing!)…
  bloated sacks of shit

Wonkette Bradlee Dean Photoshop Funtimes And Legal Letter Contest!

Hey, remember today? When we got that hilares letter informing us that we better, like, say sorry or something, and DEFINITELY take down all that libel-y stuff about one Mr. Herr Doktor Bradlee Dean? Well, some of you asked for a Photoshop contest, but we will do you one better! Since so many Wonkerados are attorneys (in addition to like two thirds of our writing staff), we thought we would let you have some Sexy Lawyer Funtime too! Read more on Wonkette Bradlee Dean Photoshop Funtimes And Legal Letter Contest!…
  journamalism

How Is Obama Murdering Ronald Reagan With His Bare Black Hands Today?

Hey, did you guys hear this not at all completely hypothetical and fictional and made up (that is what “fictional” means) story about how Barack Obama is personally going to tear down Ronald Reagan’s childhood home with his bare black hands? So he can put his presidential library on it? Why would he even need a presidential library? What is he, some kind of “celebrity”? Oh, right, the story is hypothetical and fictional and made up and isn’t gonna happen? But Newsmax and Fox News and the conservative guy at Mediaite reported that it is? Imagine that. Here is the lede to Marti Lotman’s story in Newsmax. The University of Chicago Medical Center has announced plans to turn Ronald Reagan’s childhood home in Chicago into a parking lot for President Barack Obama’s library. Would you believe every single word in that lede is wrong? Whaaaaa? Read more on How Is Obama Murdering Ronald Reagan With His Bare Black Hands Today?…
  that's not racial transcendence

Known Black Person Colin Powell Simply Does Not Care For Sarah Palin Being A Balls-Out Racist

Hey, Colin Powell, you are a black Republican. What do you think of people in your party who are constantly not being racist with their watermelon emails and their funny nose-bone witch-doctor shirts? Oh, you are against it? Perhaps you would like to CALL SOME PEOPLE OUT, BY THEIR NAMES, STARTING WITH SARAH PALIN? Please proceed! “There is also a dark vein of intolerance in some parts of the party,” [Powell] continued. “They still sort of look down on minorities. How can I evidence that? When I see [Palin] saying that the president is ‘shucking and jiving,’ that’s a racial-era slave term. When I see [Sununu] after the president’s first debate, where he didn’t do very well, says that the president was ‘lazy’ — he didn’t say he was slow, he was tired, he didn’t do well — he said he was lazy. Now, it may not mean anything to most Americans, but to those of use who are African Americans, the second word is ‘shiftless’ and there’s a third word that goes along with it.” OH BOO HOO. Talk about old news. Read more on Known Black Person Colin Powell Simply Does Not Care For Sarah Palin Being A Balls-Out Racist…
  won't Someone Think Around The Children?

Hero Patriot Dad Will Shed Blood Again If School Nazis Wreck Pledge Of Allegiance

So, we mentioned a little earlier today that an Illinois elementary school had a sheriff’s deputy assigned to guard it after a parent “complained children weren’t reciting the Pledge of Allegiance correctly,” right? So, please join us in doing a bad Paul Harvey imitation as Wonkette presents The Rest Of The Story. Yes, you DO have to say that out loud, Americans! It turns out that Colin McGroarty, a parent who was volunteering at Mill Creek Elementary School in Geneva, Illinois, was very, VERY unhappy when he heard kindergartners reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in the library, because of what he perceived to be a Marxist Nazi Islamofascist rewrite of the Pledge. No, it’s not that they left “under God” out. It’s that he heard some words that he was damned sure didn’t belong in there, and then went apeshit. Or as an email to parents from Principal George Petmezas very diplomatically put it, McGroarty resorted to language “that is not typically heard in an elementary school setting.” Read more on Hero Patriot Dad Will Shed Blood Again If School Nazis Wreck Pledge Of Allegiance…
  Fear of a Man Planet

‘Progressive’ Fellow In ‘Men’s Rights Movement’ Has Inspirational Posters For Manly Men

Here is something that the Internet went and puked up on our digital doorstep a few days back: a collection of Microsoft Office-based editorial artwork designed to provide inspiration and motivation to “The Manosphere.” And what is the “Manosphere?” We’ll let the anti-MRA blog Manboobz do the ‘splainin: The Manosphere: The loose collection of blogs, message boards, and other sites run by and/or read by MRAs [“Men’s Rights Advocates”], MGTOW [“Men Going Their Own Way: a lot like lesbian separatism, but for straight dudes.”, and assorted friendly Pick-up Artists. [Link added by your Doktor Zoom] So, yeah, basically creeps. But creeps who have a mission in life, which is, apparently, to get laid (but not trapped in a marriage) while also reversing the damage done to America and to Manhood itself by feminism. Oh, and to shame sluts for being so slutty, but not slutty enough to fuck them. Read more on ‘Progressive’ Fellow In ‘Men’s Rights Movement’ Has Inspirational Posters For Manly Men…
  cool apology bro

Suck It, Nate Silver! Joe Scarborough Apologizes For Nothing

Joe Scarborough, who hosts MSNBC’s morning show because the rest of MSNBC’s Obama food stamp-loving libtard talent don’t wake from their welfare-funded fortified wine benders until well after noon, is really, really sorry he conflated Nate Silver with that unwashed hillbilly “unskewed polls” guy. And by really, really sorry, we mean he’s not sorry at all. While most of the world has moved past the 2012 election to focus on more important things, like Ken Layne’s fun cooking blog for moms and the possible 2016 presidential candidates, Scarborough remains upset that people are so mean to him just because Nate Silver was right all along. Read more on Suck It, Nate Silver! Joe Scarborough Apologizes For Nothing…
  it takes a panel of dozens to act like hacks

Fox News Convenes Post-Debate Panel Of Snippy Idiots; Foofaraw Ensues

Fox News once again hired ruddy shitmonster Frank Luntz to convene a panel of undecided voters who watch Fox News (read: Romney voters who want to be on Fox News). There is video (as the kids are saying, “after the fold”). Fox Nation describes this as “Luntz Focus Group Erupts Into Near Brawl,” but it comes off more as “Luntz Focus Group Erupts Into Backbiting Fuck-Tussle.” Read more on Fox News Convenes Post-Debate Panel Of Snippy Idiots; Foofaraw Ensues…
  Spoiled Brats

In Which A Fox News Host Argues That Crushing Youth Unemployment Is ‘The Best Thing to Happen to Them’

Here is Andrea Tantaros, one of the however-many hosts of Fox News’ The Five, showing a chart of the historically horrid unemployment rates for the 18-24 year old demographic and proceeding to make one of those savvy counterintuitive arguments that earn her the big bucks: “I’ve argued once that maybe the economic downturn was the best thing to happen to them because then they weren’t… so… everybody gets a trophy; maybe they had to go back home and work at the Quizno’s and the Blockbuster and learn the value of a dollar.” Read more on In Which A Fox News Host Argues That Crushing Youth Unemployment Is ‘The Best Thing to Happen to Them’…