Tag Archives: idiots

  Both Sides of the Atlantic Do It

British Right-Wing Nutjob Quite Displeased With His Gay Homosexual Dog

British Ben Shapiro doppleganger
The not-at-all racist members of the British National Party are big believers in the “self-deportation” policies championed by one Mittens J. Romneyford, Esq. They also have some interesting views on the gheys, and they do not appreciate it when those views are challenged. Especially when the challenger is a dog. RawStory brings us the raw story. The youth leader of a far-right British political party threatened his dog on Facebook over the animal’s homosexual behavior. “I wish my dog would stop licking the penises of other male dogs,” said Jack Andrew Renshaw, the leader of BNP Youth. “I love you, Derek (my dog) – but – don’t challenge my principles because my principles will likely win,” Renshaw said. Read more on British Right-Wing Nutjob Quite Displeased With His Gay Homosexual Dog…
  this whole blog can be shipped to afghanistan no one has lost any

Figures: Stupidest Man On Internet Disgusted That Obama Would Abandon Bergdahl, Rescue Bergdahl

Hats off to Josh Marshall (and his tipster, “TT”) at Talking Points Memo for this one: Back in October, Stupidest Man on the Internet Jim Hoft was shocked and horrified at the prospect that Barack Obama might abandon POW Bowe Bergdahl at the end of the Afghanistan War. And now that Bergdahl has been brought home, Stupidest Man on the Internet Jim Hoft is shocked and horrified to learn that Bergdahl was promoted while he was in captivity — or while he was definitely teaching the Taliban how to make bombs. Read more on Figures: Stupidest Man On Internet Disgusted That Obama Would Abandon Bergdahl, Rescue Bergdahl…
  They're Under the bed

Don’t Blame Breitbart When Al Qaeda Murders The NYPD!

So, everybody was all Happy and Nice Timey about the New York Police Department ditching its “Demographics Unit,” a.k.a. Muslim surveillance unit, right? All it did was anger New York and New Jersey’s Muslim communities and screw with civil liberties, whilst producing exactly bupkis in terms of counter-terrorist intelligence, so everyone said, “Good riddance,” no? N-O, the answer is no, not everyone was happy to see this waste of money come to an end, because what part of Muslims do you not understand? Ghost Andrew Breitbart’s Internet Home for Hysterical Xenophobes is SO MAD, you guys, about how political correctness has rolled the red carpet out for Al Qaeda to just attack New York whenever they want, go right ahead, nobody will stop you. As Breibart’s National Security Editor “Dr.” Sebastian Gorka notes, the NYPD has completely surrendered and is just waiting for Al Qaeda to come apply for murder permits at One Police Plaza. Read more on Don’t Blame Breitbart When Al Qaeda Murders The NYPD!…
  all toaster ovens to be returned

South Carolina State Senator Has Had Enough Of This State University Turning Gals Into Lesbians

South Carolina’s Legislature appears to be in the grip of a full-fledged Gay Panic, and not the good kind. First, there were budget cuts to punish two universities that had assigned LGBT-themed reading: $17,142 from the University of South Carolina Upstate, where the offender was Out Loud: The Best of Rainbow Radio, a collection of stories from South Carolina’s first gay radio show; and $52,000 from the College of Charleston, which assigned Allison Bechdel’s Fun Home: A Family Tragicomic, a comic-book memoir by the author of Dykes to Watch Out For. Presumably, that’ll learn colleges not to spend good money on dirty fag books no more. And now, for the second act, state Sen. Mike Fair has complained about a planned performance of a one-woman comedy show titled “How To Be A Lesbian In 10 Days Or Less,” explaining his opposition thusly: “That’s not an explanation of ‘I was born this way.’ It’s recruiting.” In addition, saying that the instructions struck him as completely nonsensical, Sen. Fair demanded the immediate removal of To Kill a Mockingbird from school libraries. Read more on South Carolina State Senator Has Had Enough Of This State University Turning Gals Into Lesbians…
  can't feel the love tonight

Sarah Palin Literally Scourges And Crucifies Paul Ryan For Not Hating Poors Hard Enough

Professional Eddie Munster imitator Wisconsin Republican Rep. Paul Ryan had to be feeling pretty pleased with himself yesterday, raining all over B. Barry Bamz’s football-spikin’ party with a new 10-year budget proposal. Ryan’s lil’ April Fool’s Day prank would slash domestic spending by nearly 30 percent by 2024 (BIFF!), bump up Pentagon spending WAY over current budgets (POW!) and … wait for it … repeal Obamacare and make Medicare a voucher program for private health insurance (FLAWLESS VICTORY!). So, the screeching monkey wing of the Republican party had to be pretty chuffed about Ryan’s swan song budget, as he prepares to step up from the Budget Committee to obstruct run the Ways and Means Committee as chairman, right? WRONG, you are WRONG, libtard Wonket reader person, they are the opposite of chuffed!* You see, unless you grab aholt of the wheel and steer the budget Titanic directly INTO the iceberg, you are a RINO and just Part Of The Problem. Ask Sarah Palin, who took to the Tea Party version of the Wall Street Journal editorial page (Facebook) to blast Ryan with words, that she undoubtedly wrote herself because just read them. Read more on Sarah Palin Literally Scourges And Crucifies Paul Ryan For Not Hating Poors Hard Enough…
  stupid is as stupid does

Louie Gohmert Wins All Foreign Policy By Debunking Comedy Routine

Hiya, Wonketeers! Do you know what Vladimir Putin’s annexation of the Crimea means for the New Russian Century? We do not, we are a peen-joke blog, so we rely on experts to expertlain it to us. Whaddaya got, Maureen Dowd? Obama wears mom jeans, blah, blah Hillary 2016? No, too 2008. How about you, William Kristol? Obama wears mom jeans, so we should start a war with Russia. No, too 1853. Who can save us from our dumb? Why, the expertest expert of them all, that foreign policy genius and media critic Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Brain Damage)! Super Gohmert took to the floor of the House t’other day to break down the true significance of Russia’s land grab, which is that Sarah Palin was right all along. Uhhhhh, okay! Read more on Louie Gohmert Wins All Foreign Policy By Debunking Comedy Routine…
  who are these people?

Vegas ‘Investment’ Guy Rolls Dice On Any White Person Liking Obama, Comes Up Snakeyes

Another day, another nail in the coffin of the Worst Presidency Ever. Trustworthy snake oil salesman “investment” guru Wayne Allyn Root has pulled out his figurin’ stick and dropped math all over Barack Obama (sp?) and his record-low poll numbers. You probably thought NBC saying Obama had only a 41 percent approval rating was an indication that Obama has failed to rise above a steep recession, a recalcitrant Congress and an unstable world full of shirtless thugs. You probably thought something measured and shruggy about the Affordable Care Act and its initially sucky website. You looked at a chart of Obama’s poll numbers and thought, “Huh, basically the same as four years ago, before his reelection.” You thought that because you are not a winner, a doer, a closer like Wayne Allyn Root, who writes books and is on the shouty politics radio and the shouty teevee when he is not being a hairstyle consultant to the televangelical community (probably). This guy is so smart that he unskewed a week-old poll number three points lower, because any smart person knows that seasoned, experienced data is better than smartass young millennial data. Here, let’s let the man run his numbers and whitesplain how you Just Don’t Get It because you’re not a real American: Read more on Vegas ‘Investment’ Guy Rolls Dice On Any White Person Liking Obama, Comes Up Snakeyes…
  what a country!

Thought Experiment: Do These Two States Exist In The Same Country?

Today, students, I would like you to begin work on an essay titled, “Why Is The United States Not Engaged In A Great Civil War?” You will need to cite the following examples of disparate U.S. American cultural values, and explain why these have not led to flaming barricades of death a la Kiev, Ukraine: Case Study One: On the University of California – Berkeley campus last week, a touring group of elementary school students encountered a man in a giant penis costume handing out condoms. They also were able to watch UC-Berkeley students playing “pin-the-tail on the anus” and throwing condoms through target holes labeled and illustrated as “vagina” and “anus,” as part of the university’s celebration of National Condom Week. “All day long, little kids were prancing by the dental dam demonstrations, sex-themed games of chance, and the guy in the penis suit,” student Claire Chiara said in an interview with Campus Reform Thursday. Discussion Points: Is the fact that the penis man was not allowed to distribute condoms to the children Unfair To Kidz? Should National Condom Week be a federal holiday? P-I-N goes where? Read more on Thought Experiment: Do These Two States Exist In The Same Country?…
  deep in the fart of texas

Rand Paul Murders Ted Nugents First Amendment Rights With Machine Gun Of Single Mean Tweet

So Ted Nugent. We have discussed him and his real purty mouth. (He called Barack Obama a chimpanzee and subhuman mongrel, which didn’t even crack that day’s purty-things Top 10, probably.) The Texas Attorney General, Greg Abbott, who is running against Wendy Davis for Texas Gub, campaigned with the Nugemonster the other day, and then this really weird thing happened: the media kept asking Abbott why he would do that. They were like, no, really, why? even after Greg Abbott refused to answer! That is weird, right? Did any CNN type people ask Mitt Romney the same thing, back when Ted Nugent was campaigning with him while also flapping his big manly jaws about murdering Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton with machine guns? Or that time he kindly offered to blow that CBS dude and rape his producer? That was fun. But now the media isn’t just asking Greg Abbott about his embrace of the Nuge. They’re asking errebody. They are asking Rick Perry, and Ted Cruz, and Newt Gingrich, whether they agree with Ted Nugent that Barack Obama is a “subhuman mongrel.” And then an EVEN WEIRDER THING HAPPENED! Rick Perry and Ted Cruz said no, they do not agree! (Ted Cruz was still a total dick about it, though, because “Ted Cruz.”*) Newt Gingrich, as is his wont, blamed the media. But they didn’t even have to ask Rand Paul whether he agreed, because he was already tweeting about it all by himself, about how “not cool, Ted Nugent,” and this made all the wingnuts :( that Rand Paul was murdering Ted Nugent’s frist amenmunt rights, by disagreeing with him. Read more on Rand Paul Murders Ted Nugents First Amendment Rights With Machine Gun Of Single Mean Tweet…
  you get a racist! and you get a racist!

Zimmerman Bestie Shockingly Uses Racist Slurs On Oprah, Like WTF-Level Racist

George Zimmerman Fan Club President Frank Taaffe, HLN’s go-to source for commentary on the joys of killing black children armed self defense against thugs, sometimes is accused of racism. As open- and fair-minded lieburals, we are careful about throwing that sort of terminology around, because the TRUE danger to American society, the REAL racism, is…hang on a sec. This just in. Frank Taaffe called TV’s Oprah Winfrey that n-word. Repeatedly. OK, never mind, let’s strap into this shitbird. Read more on Zimmerman Bestie Shockingly Uses Racist Slurs On Oprah, Like WTF-Level Racist…
  it's got electrolytes!

Wise Utah Legislator To Give Plants What They Crave

Big news from Utah, science fans! A brave and wise idiot retired science teacher and current legislator wants to put the brakes on any plans the state might have to cap industrial emissions of carbon dioxide or other “natural” gases (HA! Fart joke!). Rep. Jerry Anderson (R-Idiocracy) says the problem isn’t too MUCH carbon in the atmosphere, it’s too little, because today’s air has just a fraction of the greenhouse gas that was there when dinosaurs roamed the earth. And greenhouses are a way to make the desert bloom! “We are short of carbon dioxide for the needs of the plants,” Anderson told a state legislative committee Tuesday. “Concentrations reached 600 parts per million at the time of the dinosaurs and they did quite well. I think we could double the carbon dioxide and not have any adverse effects.” Unfortunately, Anderson’s bill has stalled, despite a warm reception in committee, over a few nerdish objections to “poisoning.” The bill forbids putting limits on the amounts of “naturally occurring” atmospheric components such as oxygen, carbon dioxide and nitrogen, as well as noble gases. We learned about the periodic table of elements from our fourth-grade science teacher, Mr. Crowell, a great American who looked like Martin Landau and drove a Volvo P1800 sports car. So we know that not all “noble” or “inert” gases from the helium and neon column are actually inert when it comes to human lungs. Read more on Wise Utah Legislator To Give Plants What They Crave…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Bushel Basket Of Bumpkins, Boobs, and ‘Baggers

Welcome, wonkeesters, to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we hose down the news, filter out the stories that weren’t quite worth a whole post but too stoopid to ignore altogether, spray the whole mess with cheap booze, and bring you the runoff. Enjoy! Our first story violates the entire premise of Derp, in that it is actually a story of Pure American Ingenuity and Awesomeness. So sue us for false labeling. Outside Austin Monday, on Texas Highway 71, off-duty Houston Fire Department Captain Craig Moreau pulled over to help an 18-wheeler that had smoke pouring from its rear wheels. The brakes had locked and the tire was “flaming pretty good,” Moreau said, and the driver’s fire extinguisher was not up to the job. Moreau asked what the driver was hauling. “Beer! It’s all beer!” And then, he says, one of the burning tires exploded, and Moreau asked the driver to open up the truck and start passing him tallboys. “I shook them up, and popped a top one at a time until the fire was out and the brakes were cool,” Moreau wrote. “Thankfully they were tallboys. I couldn’t help but laugh at the irony of it all, he was so shaken up that the humor escaped him.” Quite a few cans of Coors Banquet beer later, the fire was out. And Craig Moreau is a hero, both for saving the day and for discovering something that Coors is actually good for. Protip: Do not try this with Scotch. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Bushel Basket Of Bumpkins, Boobs, and ‘Baggers…
  math-ers of the universe

Fox Business Analyst Super Sure Obama Might Resign, Maybe, Because Math And Nixon

Today in Wishful Thinking: Fox Business News ran this tantalizing headline yesterday: “Analyst Sees Chance of Obama Resignation.” And by golly, there is nothing at all untrue about it! They found a Wall Street investment analyst who has “27 years of experience in the securities industry” and based on his excellent science, he figures there’s no more than a 90% chance that Obama will see out the rest of his term: “If ObamaCare is the fiasco that some headlines are suggesting it is, I place the odds around 10% the president will resign before next November’s election,” said Kent Engelke, managing director at the brokerage Capitol Securities Management. We bet there’s some seriously complex calculations that went into that precise determination, seeing as how this is a financial wizard what makes a living carefully weighing all the possible factors involved in a stock’s performance? He probably has a complex formula that accounts for all kinds of variables, and maybe he even consulted the entrails of a chicken (one that had been fucked to death by Todd Starnes). Let’s see what arcane factors went into his precise estimate! Engelke … says he got the 10% number from a simple calculation: 7% of all U.S. presidents faced impeachment or resignation (Presidents Andrew Johnson and Bill Clinton were impeached, while President Nixon resigned). He adds in another 3% due to the heightened animosity between president Obama and Republicans in congress. Wow! Don’t you want to invest all your money with that number genius? Read more on Fox Business Analyst Super Sure Obama Might Resign, Maybe, Because Math And Nixon…
  punctuation marxists

Stupidest Guest Blogger On Internet Unaware That Punctuation Can Denote ‘Sarcasm’

Oh, Gateway Pundit… c’mon, guys, it’s time for you to just admit that you’re a wacky bunch of performance artists, isn’t it? Nobody can really be this stoopid, can they? Ah, but this is Mara Zebest, the Stupidest Guest Blogger on the Internet, who wrote an extended analysis of how Barack Obama was photo-shoopied into the Situation Room photo during the Bin Laden raid, because Pixels, so maybe we shouldn’t be so surprised. So here’s the Big Scoop, complete with all-caps in the headline: SHOCK CONFESSION: Bill Ayers Reveals He Is Author Of “Dreams From My Father” in Latest Book And here’s Zebest’s astonishing evidence, from an announcement on Red Emma’s bookstore webpage promoting a reading by Ayers from his book Public Enemy: Confessions of an American Dissident: Ayers reveals how he has navigated the challenges and triumphs of this public life with steadfastness and a dash of good humor — from the red carpet at the Oscars, to prison vigils and airports (where he is often detained and where he finally “confesses” that he did write Dreams from My Father) [emphasis added by Zebest — Dok Zoom] Yep. That’s it, all right. Zebest is so proud of her gotcha: Finally, the truth comes out. Obama’s biography was written by an unrepentant Marxist terrorist. Mara Zebest, we say this with all sincerity: You are very, very “smart.” Good “catch.” You have all us libruls “trembling” with “fear.” (Also, “Red Emma’s” is a brilliant name for a bookstore.) Read more on Stupidest Guest Blogger On Internet Unaware That Punctuation Can Denote ‘Sarcasm’…
  I'll show you mine

North Carolina Man Accidentally Discharges Gun In Body Shaming Store While Discussing Finer Points Of Second Amendment

Finally, here’s a story about an idiot with a gun that we can laugh at without feeling like terrible people! Last Tuesday evening, Some Unknown Guy went to the Winkler Street GNC in Wilkesboro, North Carolina, like we all do when we need to buy some foul-tasting dehydrated fat to make us fatter, or just to shoot the breeze with the people who work at GNC, who are our dear friends. That Tuesday, the conversation turned as usual to our American Second Amendment Right To Wave Around Guns Like A Moron, and you’ll never guess what happened next. Read more on North Carolina Man Accidentally Discharges Gun In Body Shaming Store While Discussing Finer Points Of Second Amendment…
  They Did the Derpy Mash

Derp Roundup: Special All Hallows’ Eve Edition

Hey-ho, Wonkerinos and Wonkerinas! Here we are at the day before Halloween, and as usual, some people are just cold insisting on celebrating the coming holiday by hanging bats in their belfries. Let’s have a look: Read more on Derp Roundup: Special All Hallows’ Eve Edition…