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Posts Tagged ‘idiots’

PETULANT CHILDREN

Keith Olbermann Skips Work Because Rachel Maddow Got Ben Affleck

Thursday, May 14th, 2009

SHHHH-TFUIt’s time for the TeeVee Personality Newz here at Wonkette! In today’s first-and-only edition, Keith Olbermann acts like a jackass! According to New York’s CityFile, MSNBC’s “Wost Person in the World” stomped off the job for three nights because his pal and protege Rachel Maddow had movie star/Web traffic expert Ben Affleck booked for her April 16 show. But Olbermann decided Jennifer Garner’s husband needed to be on Olbermann’s April 16 show. When MSNBC executives refused to grant his wish, Keith stormed away and didn’t return to work until three shows later. MORE »


HAZING

Robert Gibbs Steals Phone From Sad Old Man

Wednesday, May 13th, 2009


You know what the White House press corps loves more than anything? Naked abuse of power and ritual humiliation. Here, Robert Gibbs has HAD IT with these motherfucking phones in this motherfucking briefing room, so he forcibly takes the mobile from this poor old guy, who was probably just twittering or getting an emergency call from a loved one, on their death bed. MORE »


'HOW TO STEAL FANCY CLOTHES'

America’s Biggest Idiot Gets Millions For Someone To Write Her ‘Memoirs’

Tuesday, May 12th, 2009

Remember Sarah Palin, the briefly famous wingnut lady who can’t speak, can’t read and can’t even remember the name of a single newspaper she pretends to read every day? Yeah, she’s getting millions of dollars from HarperCollins to write her “memoirs.” Jesus. She hired a lawyer last year (after she lost the election for McCain) to go after an $11 million advance. MORE »


EMPLOYMENT NEWS

Howard Dean To Become New Jim Cramer

Monday, March 23rd, 2009

YARGHGHDoctor Howard Dean got a new job! He will be a “regular contributor” on CNBC, the important business channel which features idiots screaming at each other all day as the stock market does whatever it does — up some days, down some days, etc. Today he did a guest-hosting deal, on some CNBC show. Maybe he’s on right now, who knows! You see, only idiots watch CNBC. It’s a place for cocaine addicts and self-hating day traders and insane old people who think they can “beat the market” and actual retarded people who grab the phone away from the nurse and yell “BOO-YAH.” In other teevee shout-y news, Chris Matthews will be on MSNBC for another four years, which means he won’t be running for the Senate or whatever. [Sam Stein/New York Times]


IDIOTS

Angry Mobs Taking ‘Bus Tours’ of AIG Executives’ Houses

Friday, March 20th, 2009


Populism, hurrah! There are now “Bus Tours of AIG Executives’ Mansions,” in Connecticut. Your tour guide? Chris Dodd, maybe! This will show these wretched villains! Here is the live video. [BoingBoing]


AMERICA'S GREATEST SENATORS

Jim Bunning… Does New Funny Jim Bunning Things

Wednesday, March 11th, 2009

Mark your calendars for the year 2010 everyone, because there’s going to be at least one 2006-George-Allen-level comedic midterm race. Baseball pitcher Sen. Jim Bunning is running for reelection in Kentucky and will lose, loudly. Bunning resurfaced in the media recently for telling a pancreatic cancer-stricken Ruth Bader Ginsburg that she should go die alone, soon. Now Bunning has run into some local Kentucky trouble by snapping at some reporter who asked about his internal poll results, which wouldn’t be a problem in and of itself (MSM lies anyway etc etc) except that he used the word “goddamn,” which to Kentuckians is more appalling than raping 40 young children and a grandma. MORE »


THE SUN ALSO CAME UP THIS MORNING

Michele Bachmann Does Something Stupid & Offensive

Friday, February 27th, 2009

Shut the fuck up.CPAC, it is the comedy festival of the year! New GOP leader Michael Steele offered a very honest yet very shitty new marketing strategy to America: “Tonight, we tell America: we know the past, we know we did wrong. My bad.” No we can’t! And then America’s Idiot, Michele Bachmann, responded with a very humorous blackface minstrel performance in which she repeatedly yelled, “Michael Steele! You be da man! You be da man.” [TPM DC]


IDIOTS

Rick Santorum Giving ‘Islamic’ Language Lessons

Thursday, February 19th, 2009

Cry cry cry.Possibly the most ignorant motherfucker to ever walk the halls of the Senate, Rick Santorum was sent packing in 2006 because, even by Republican standards, he is an outrageously stupid bigot and total human failure. For some reason, he was allowed to give a “speech” at some college in Nebraska, where he gave his usual historically wrong and intellectually vapid comments about the exciting moros y cristianos battle still happening, in his mind. Oh yes, there were laughs to be had! MORE »


EMAIL OF THE DAY

Wait, So Barack Obama Is Not Really A Mythical Blood-Sucking Horror Monster?

Monday, January 12th, 2009

'I thank you for those items that you sent me, the monkey and the plywood violin ....'In our first 2009 edition of “Email of the Day,” we bring you two (2) tragic examples of America’s Dumb People fighting a losing battle with words … and one of them also tries (and fails) to deploy the weapon of “sarcasm.” Also: What kind of terrible person refuses to show the Proper Respect to any endeavor loosely connected to some random former Marine? MORE »


GOTCHA DOCUMENTARIES

Sarah Palin Interview Circuit Now Includes Wingnut Documentaries About MSM Lies

Thursday, January 8th, 2009

Here’s Sarah Palin being interviewed for some guy’s upcoming documentary about how the media stole her presidential victory and gave it to Barack Obama — TOO TRUE — by showing wholesale clips of her babbling embarrassing nonsense for minutes at a time, without interruption. This clip is over nine minutes long but we recommend watching it all, for hilarity. The best parts are when she’s watching old clips of herself being mocked on the interviewer’s portable teevee. She gets angry! [Big Hollywood]


LAMERS

McCain-Palin Fire Sale Features $20 Blackberry Phones Full of VIP Emails & Numbers

Friday, December 12th, 2008

CrackBarryThis fantastic McCain Campaign fire sale doesn’t just provide gadgets and office supplies on the cheap — you can also buy enough Republican VIP personal information and incriminating emails to run your own failed presidential run! Local teevee station Fox 5 sent somebody over to the Everything Must Go sale, and while most of the good stuff was gone, there were still 10 Blackberry fancy-phones selling for $20 each. The teevee reporter bought as many as she could afford (two?) and raced back to the newsroom. MORE »