Tag Archives: idiots

  Remember The Alahomo

Gay-Hatin’ Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore Ready To Be Martyred At The Straight-People Alamo

Yes, this really exists
Ten Commandments Hero Chief Justice Roy Moore came from Alabama with a Brawndo on his knee t’other day, visiting the Lone Star State Monday to address a very important “Defense of Texas Marriage Amendment Rally,” where he said that he is willing to lay down his very life to stop people with the wrong combinations of genitals from entering into marriage contracts. Also, he is worried about all the hyperbole and exaggeration in the world today. Read more on Gay-Hatin’ Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore Ready To Be Martyred At The Straight-People Alamo…
  Live Long And Fester

Westboro Baptists Beam Down To Wrong Coordinates, Miss Spock’s Funeral

God hates logic
While Vulcans would never stoop to the human emotional response of laughter, we know that Spock would wryly raise an eyebrow in appreciation of the absurdity (no, not irony, don’t you dare say it was ironic) of the Westboro Baptist Church’s failure to follow through on its threat to picket Leonard Nimoy’s funeral. The Westboros said they just plain couldn’t find the funeral’s location. Read more on Westboro Baptists Beam Down To Wrong Coordinates, Miss Spock’s Funeral…
  All Dots Connected

CA Dad Would Like Anti-Vaxxers To Stop Trying To Kill His Son

It's your right to make everyone around you sick
Not only is refusing to get your kids vaccinated aggressively stupid, it’s also exceedingly selfish, a fact anti-vaxxers will have a hard time dismissing now that 6-year-old leukemia patient Rhett Krawitt has come to national attention. His father is asking the school district to require students to get their damned vaccine shots, unless they have valid medical reasons not to. And “dumb parents just don’t believe in vaccines” is not a medical reason. Read more on CA Dad Would Like Anti-Vaxxers To Stop Trying To Kill His Son…
  Pew pew pew!

Florida Makes It Even Easier To Live Out Your Family-Friendly Gun-Humping Fantasies

Is the guy on the right also the guy in the middle, or do all gun-humpers look the same to Yr Wonket?
Orlando has long been a destination for theme-park enthusiasts, so if you’re planning to bring the kids to see Mickey and Minnie, be sure to swing by Machine Gun America, a brand-spankin’-new theme park that opens Saturday, Dec. 20. If you have to ask what kinds of fun things you can do at Machine Gun America, try saying the name out loud. Are you getting it yet? WTSP explains more. Read more on Florida Makes It Even Easier To Live Out Your Family-Friendly Gun-Humping Fantasies…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Why Don’t You People Cover The Important Stories?

Dear Sir or Madame: I am outraged by the lack of variety in the .gifs on this blog!
It’s the weekend, and time to catch up on some vital maintenance — refill the poison rat dick stockpiles, top off the Pony cache, and slop out the comments queue, that sort of thing. And we have some real winners from would-be commenters today, ranging from wingnuts who want to set us straight, to would-be allies who we’d rather not invite into our parlor. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Why Don’t You People Cover The Important Stories?…
  I Hear America Derping

Facebook Gun Hero Explains Assassinatin’ Beats Voting Every Time

Other than *that* it's a pretty compelling argument
From the Coalition to Stop Gun Violence Facebook page comes the above screenshot of a cheerful Election Day message from a pro-gun, pro-insurrection Facebook thing. The Facebook group is still up, though they’ve removed the image and the accompanying text, which read: Read more on Facebook Gun Hero Explains Assassinatin’ Beats Voting Every Time…
  Nuke The Healthcare Workers From Orbit. It's The Only Way To Be Sure

Chris Christie Wants To Play Doctor With Nurse Lady, Mostly By Yelling At Her

Thank goodness you can't get Ebola from spittle
With no teachers immediately available to yell at, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has taken up yelling at nurses, we guess. In the latest twist on Chris Christie’s War On Health Care Workers Who Volunteer To Fight Deadly Diseases, the New Jersey Department of Health announced this morning that Kaci Hickox, a still-healthy nurse who returned to the U.S. and was clapped in irons for her own good Friday night, would be allowed to return home to Maine: Read more on Chris Christie Wants To Play Doctor With Nurse Lady, Mostly By Yelling At Her…
  Gag Me With A Ballot

Fox News: Young Women Should Go Find Sexxytimes Online And Leave Democracy To Grownups

If it keeps the terrorists from winning, it's still civic-minded.
Fox News hostroid Kimberly Guilfoyle said Tuesday that America would be a far better place if young women would just please stay home and go do their Twittergrams and Tindermatches instead of cluttering up our elections with all their stupidness. She urged the frivolous young things to avoid voting in this year’s midterms and to only return to the polls when they have the maturity to vote like a respectable married lady, preferably one with a good Republican cloth coat and a little dog named Checkers. Read more on Fox News: Young Women Should Go Find Sexxytimes Online And Leave Democracy To Grownups…
  Republican won't let gays get wet

Don’t Feed The Gays After Midnight

No self-respecting gay person would be caught dead driving one of these
Anthony Culler, the Republican running against James Clyburn for South Carolina’s 6th Congressional District, has a few problems as a candidate, according to The Hill. Culler “is not well-liked by the GOP establishment in South Carolina, and has no chance of defeating Clyburn this fall.” So Culler thought it was a pretty darn good idea to post a long dumb rant on Facebook explaining why the Gays and their fake “marriages” will be the ruination of us all, and almost offhandedly mentioning that The Gays are exactly like the critters from Joe Dante’s 1984 movie Gremlins: Read more on Don’t Feed The Gays After Midnight…
  Uterine Clown Car Survivor Speaks Out

Duggars Did A Pretty Good Job Edumacatin’ Their Womb-Fruits, All Right

Just as Darwin Demanded
Reality Teevee show person Jessa Duggar went to the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum in Washington DC, and came away believing that Charles Darwin led directly to the Nazis’ attempted extermination of European Jewry, which suggests that the museum’s docents really need to up their game. Ms. Duggar, 21, explained on Instagram the profound anti-science message that she derived from the historical exhibits: Read more on Duggars Did A Pretty Good Job Edumacatin’ Their Womb-Fruits, All Right…
  'Red Asphalt' Never Covered This

Idiot Idaho Teen Rolls SUV When Idiot Friend Lights Armpit Hair On Fire

S-M-R-T
In what we fear could be the start of a trend, a Boise teenager who is definitely not Kid Zoom or any of his friends crashed a Ford Bronco Sunday after his 16-year-old front seat passenger reached over and set the driver’s armpit hair on fire with a lighter. This sounds like the sort of thing that could become popular as a dare among a certain subset of the high-testosterone/redneck/skoal-chewin’/coal rollin’ set. You know, morons. Happily, there were no serious injuries. Read more on Idiot Idaho Teen Rolls SUV When Idiot Friend Lights Armpit Hair On Fire…
  make me want to holler

‘Black Jesus’ About As Popular With Pharisees As The Original

Wingnuts raised hell in 1968 about this Black Jesus, too.
Hey, did you kidz watch that new show Thursday night, “Black Jesus,” on the Adult Swim Cartoons For Stoned Grownups Teevee Channel? We did not, because we are traveling and without TiVo, and we haven’t watched television in real time for at least five years now, let alone stayed up after 11 on a school night. We are old. Read more on ‘Black Jesus’ About As Popular With Pharisees As The Original…
  And Synonyms Just Make People Sin

Utah Language School Fires Blogger For Promoting Homophone Agenda

And there go a quarter of the comments...
No matter how much we wish this was a case of a paper overselling its headline, it is absolutely true: A social-media specialist for a private language school in Provo, Utah, has been fired because he wrote a blog piece about homophones, which his employer worried would make the school seem gay somehow. You see, Nomen Global Language Center is a school for foreigns learning English, and owner Clarke Woodger was very upset at blogger Tim Torkildson (all names in this story are real, even if they sound like they’re from a Dickens novel set in Lake Wobegon) for using that word. So here’s what happens when you write a Facebook post about words that sound the same but have different meanings, but you work for an ash whole: Read more on Utah Language School Fires Blogger For Promoting Homophone Agenda…
  Both Sides of the Atlantic Do It

British Right-Wing Nutjob Quite Displeased With His Gay Homosexual Dog

British Ben Shapiro doppleganger
The not-at-all racist members of the British National Party are big believers in the “self-deportation” policies championed by one Mittens J. Romneyford, Esq. They also have some interesting views on the gheys, and they do not appreciate it when those views are challenged. Especially when the challenger is a dog. RawStory brings us the raw story. The youth leader of a far-right British political party threatened his dog on Facebook over the animal’s homosexual behavior. “I wish my dog would stop licking the penises of other male dogs,” said Jack Andrew Renshaw, the leader of BNP Youth. “I love you, Derek (my dog) – but – don’t challenge my principles because my principles will likely win,” Renshaw said. Read more on British Right-Wing Nutjob Quite Displeased With His Gay Homosexual Dog…
  this whole blog can be shipped to afghanistan no one has lost any

Figures: Stupidest Man On Internet Disgusted That Obama Would Abandon Bergdahl, Rescue Bergdahl

Hats off to Josh Marshall (and his tipster, “TT”) at Talking Points Memo for this one: Back in October, Stupidest Man on the Internet Jim Hoft was shocked and horrified at the prospect that Barack Obama might abandon POW Bowe Bergdahl at the end of the Afghanistan War. And now that Bergdahl has been brought home, Stupidest Man on the Internet Jim Hoft is shocked and horrified to learn that Bergdahl was promoted while he was in captivity — or while he was definitely teaching the Taliban how to make bombs. Read more on Figures: Stupidest Man On Internet Disgusted That Obama Would Abandon Bergdahl, Rescue Bergdahl…
  They're Under the bed

Don’t Blame Breitbart When Al Qaeda Murders The NYPD!

So, everybody was all Happy and Nice Timey about the New York Police Department ditching its “Demographics Unit,” a.k.a. Muslim surveillance unit, right? All it did was anger New York and New Jersey’s Muslim communities and screw with civil liberties, whilst producing exactly bupkis in terms of counter-terrorist intelligence, so everyone said, “Good riddance,” no? N-O, the answer is no, not everyone was happy to see this waste of money come to an end, because what part of Muslims do you not understand? Ghost Andrew Breitbart’s Internet Home for Hysterical Xenophobes is SO MAD, you guys, about how political correctness has rolled the red carpet out for Al Qaeda to just attack New York whenever they want, go right ahead, nobody will stop you. As Breibart’s National Security Editor “Dr.” Sebastian Gorka notes, the NYPD has completely surrendered and is just waiting for Al Qaeda to come apply for murder permits at One Police Plaza. Read more on Don’t Blame Breitbart When Al Qaeda Murders The NYPD!…
  all toaster ovens to be returned

South Carolina State Senator Has Had Enough Of This State University Turning Gals Into Lesbians

South Carolina’s Legislature appears to be in the grip of a full-fledged Gay Panic, and not the good kind. First, there were budget cuts to punish two universities that had assigned LGBT-themed reading: $17,142 from the University of South Carolina Upstate, where the offender was Out Loud: The Best of Rainbow Radio, a collection of stories from South Carolina’s first gay radio show; and $52,000 from the College of Charleston, which assigned Allison Bechdel’s Fun Home: A Family Tragicomic, a comic-book memoir by the author of Dykes to Watch Out For. Presumably, that’ll learn colleges not to spend good money on dirty fag books no more. And now, for the second act, state Sen. Mike Fair has complained about a planned performance of a one-woman comedy show titled “How To Be A Lesbian In 10 Days Or Less,” explaining his opposition thusly: “That’s not an explanation of ‘I was born this way.’ It’s recruiting.” In addition, saying that the instructions struck him as completely nonsensical, Sen. Fair demanded the immediate removal of To Kill a Mockingbird from school libraries. Read more on South Carolina State Senator Has Had Enough Of This State University Turning Gals Into Lesbians…
  can't feel the love tonight

Sarah Palin Literally Scourges And Crucifies Paul Ryan For Not Hating Poors Hard Enough

Professional Eddie Munster imitator Wisconsin Republican Rep. Paul Ryan had to be feeling pretty pleased with himself yesterday, raining all over B. Barry Bamz’s football-spikin’ party with a new 10-year budget proposal. Ryan’s lil’ April Fool’s Day prank would slash domestic spending by nearly 30 percent by 2024 (BIFF!), bump up Pentagon spending WAY over current budgets (POW!) and … wait for it … repeal Obamacare and make Medicare a voucher program for private health insurance (FLAWLESS VICTORY!). So, the screeching monkey wing of the Republican party had to be pretty chuffed about Ryan’s swan song budget, as he prepares to step up from the Budget Committee to obstruct run the Ways and Means Committee as chairman, right? WRONG, you are WRONG, libtard Wonket reader person, they are the opposite of chuffed!* You see, unless you grab aholt of the wheel and steer the budget Titanic directly INTO the iceberg, you are a RINO and just Part Of The Problem. Ask Sarah Palin, who took to the Tea Party version of the Wall Street Journal editorial page (Facebook) to blast Ryan with words, that she undoubtedly wrote herself because just read them. Read more on Sarah Palin Literally Scourges And Crucifies Paul Ryan For Not Hating Poors Hard Enough…
  stupid is as stupid does

Louie Gohmert Wins All Foreign Policy By Debunking Comedy Routine

Hiya, Wonketeers! Do you know what Vladimir Putin’s annexation of the Crimea means for the New Russian Century? We do not, we are a peen-joke blog, so we rely on experts to expertlain it to us. Whaddaya got, Maureen Dowd? Obama wears mom jeans, blah, blah Hillary 2016? No, too 2008. How about you, William Kristol? Obama wears mom jeans, so we should start a war with Russia. No, too 1853. Who can save us from our dumb? Why, the expertest expert of them all, that foreign policy genius and media critic Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Brain Damage)! Super Gohmert took to the floor of the House t’other day to break down the true significance of Russia’s land grab, which is that Sarah Palin was right all along. Uhhhhh, okay! Read more on Louie Gohmert Wins All Foreign Policy By Debunking Comedy Routine…
  who are these people?

Vegas ‘Investment’ Guy Rolls Dice On Any White Person Liking Obama, Comes Up Snakeyes

Another day, another nail in the coffin of the Worst Presidency Ever. Trustworthy snake oil salesman “investment” guru Wayne Allyn Root has pulled out his figurin’ stick and dropped math all over Barack Obama (sp?) and his record-low poll numbers. You probably thought NBC saying Obama had only a 41 percent approval rating was an indication that Obama has failed to rise above a steep recession, a recalcitrant Congress and an unstable world full of shirtless thugs. You probably thought something measured and shruggy about the Affordable Care Act and its initially sucky website. You looked at a chart of Obama’s poll numbers and thought, “Huh, basically the same as four years ago, before his reelection.” You thought that because you are not a winner, a doer, a closer like Wayne Allyn Root, who writes books and is on the shouty politics radio and the shouty teevee when he is not being a hairstyle consultant to the televangelical community (probably). This guy is so smart that he unskewed a week-old poll number three points lower, because any smart person knows that seasoned, experienced data is better than smartass young millennial data. Here, let’s let the man run his numbers and whitesplain how you Just Don’t Get It because you’re not a real American: Read more on Vegas ‘Investment’ Guy Rolls Dice On Any White Person Liking Obama, Comes Up Snakeyes…
  what a country!

Thought Experiment: Do These Two States Exist In The Same Country?

Today, students, I would like you to begin work on an essay titled, “Why Is The United States Not Engaged In A Great Civil War?” You will need to cite the following examples of disparate U.S. American cultural values, and explain why these have not led to flaming barricades of death a la Kiev, Ukraine: Case Study One: On the University of California – Berkeley campus last week, a touring group of elementary school students encountered a man in a giant penis costume handing out condoms. They also were able to watch UC-Berkeley students playing “pin-the-tail on the anus” and throwing condoms through target holes labeled and illustrated as “vagina” and “anus,” as part of the university’s celebration of National Condom Week. “All day long, little kids were prancing by the dental dam demonstrations, sex-themed games of chance, and the guy in the penis suit,” student Claire Chiara said in an interview with Campus Reform Thursday. Discussion Points: Is the fact that the penis man was not allowed to distribute condoms to the children Unfair To Kidz? Should National Condom Week be a federal holiday? P-I-N goes where? Read more on Thought Experiment: Do These Two States Exist In The Same Country?…
  deep in the fart of texas

Rand Paul Murders Ted Nugents First Amendment Rights With Machine Gun Of Single Mean Tweet

So Ted Nugent. We have discussed him and his real purty mouth. (He called Barack Obama a chimpanzee and subhuman mongrel, which didn’t even crack that day’s purty-things Top 10, probably.) The Texas Attorney General, Greg Abbott, who is running against Wendy Davis for Texas Gub, campaigned with the Nugemonster the other day, and then this really weird thing happened: the media kept asking Abbott why he would do that. They were like, no, really, why? even after Greg Abbott refused to answer! That is weird, right? Did any CNN type people ask Mitt Romney the same thing, back when Ted Nugent was campaigning with him while also flapping his big manly jaws about murdering Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton with machine guns? Or that time he kindly offered to blow that CBS dude and rape his producer? That was fun. But now the media isn’t just asking Greg Abbott about his embrace of the Nuge. They’re asking errebody. They are asking Rick Perry, and Ted Cruz, and Newt Gingrich, whether they agree with Ted Nugent that Barack Obama is a “subhuman mongrel.” And then an EVEN WEIRDER THING HAPPENED! Rick Perry and Ted Cruz said no, they do not agree! (Ted Cruz was still a total dick about it, though, because “Ted Cruz.”*) Newt Gingrich, as is his wont, blamed the media. But they didn’t even have to ask Rand Paul whether he agreed, because he was already tweeting about it all by himself, about how “not cool, Ted Nugent,” and this made all the wingnuts :( that Rand Paul was murdering Ted Nugent’s frist amenmunt rights, by disagreeing with him. Read more on Rand Paul Murders Ted Nugents First Amendment Rights With Machine Gun Of Single Mean Tweet…