Wonkette

Here’s Idaho Senior Senator Larry Craig describing a handjob he gave Hugo Chavez gayly saying we can’t let foreign dictators “jerk us around by the gas nozzle” doing both of the things we’ve crossed out. Note the flailing hands. [TPM]

A Wonkette Senate operative has informed us that Idaho Sen. Larry Craig is on the Senate floor now, and “he’s talking about the ‘Craig Does Act,’ and said ‘we adjusted ourselves a little bit’ referencing ‘the no zone’ as well.” Yes folks, it’s true: Larry Craig is a major player in Congressional efforts to end the ban on domestic drilling (for oil), with his very special “Craig D.O.E.S. Act,” which seeks to alleviate “Pain at the Pump.” Craig reasons that once America gets used to being drilled, the pumps won’t be as painful. [Sen. Larry Craig]

This old coot is Walt Bayes, a 70-year-old retired Bitter who is running for Idaho’s House of Representatives. Two years ago, Bayes went on a comical 59-day hunger strike because of abortion. Quitter! That’s OK, because Bayes has lots of good ideas for Larry Craig’s state. In his “campaign literature,” there are all sorts of innovative ideas for public education, such as this: “It is absolutely wrong to force any student to share the same bathrooms and showers with homosexual teachers or students.” He explains. MORE »

Hillary’s election strategy is legendarily flawed, what with it making her lose and all. Look at the classic fable of New Jersey and Idaho on Super Tuesday: Hillary puts all her time into winning the big state, ignores Idaho, while Obama holds one mega-rally in Boise. She wins New Jersey’s delegates 59-48 (+11, for those of you who hate Elite Math) while Obama win’s Idaho’s delegates 15-3 (+12). Was it just stubbornness, or did she think she would win New Jersey by a larger amount? A new Time article reveals that this poor strategy stemmed from the simplest possible explanation: Chief Strategist Mark “Bowser” Penn had no idea what “apportioned delegates” were. He literally did not know the rules of the Democratic party’s nominating process. MORE »

Back in, uh, JULY, a 60-foot penis etching appeared on a hillside of the Idaho’s governor’s mansion after some scurrilous teenagers (teenagers!) “applied extra-strength weed killer” to the grass. Things move slowly in Idaho, and “officials said at the time it was too late in the growing season to attempt to remove the image.” Oh what the hell, let’s just keep quoting: “Snow hid the oversized phallus over the winter, but when it emerged again in the spring some neighbors had had enough.” So here’s what they did: “The area was recently replanted with grass seedlings and covered with straw. A previous attempt by landscapers to obliterate the image only enhanced it with a dark green outline, after which it was covered with a bright blue tarpaulin for several weeks.” [AP/Idaho Statesman]

Disgraced “singing senator” Larry Craig will soon have a new career after he leaves the Senate in January after bringing us all a million laughs: The Idaho homosexual will write a book about energy policy! Craig visited some little county somewhere in Idaho last week to push a great new pollution method called a “coal-gassification plant.” MORE »

The Idaho strawberry farmer who legally changed his name to Pro-Life and planned to appear as such on the U.S. Senate ballot this fall is being thwarted by corrupt local politicians. The Idaho Senate has passed some emergency legislation that “would require candidates who change their name to their stance on the issues instead of a traditional name have a note added to the ballot noting their former name.” Quick quick, someone send any dumb liberal watchdog group over there — they are saying he doesn’t have a “traditional name” & that’s racist!! MORE »

Jesus criminy, this news makes us forget entirely about the 5-year-old Iraq War thing this morning! Because like you, we have been fearing the next Congress and its unfortunate lack of gay Idaho Senator Larry Craig. (That is, unless he changes his mind and runs for reelection, which is likely). But can Craig’s seat be usurped by an equally comical legislator-monkey? No, but one candidate in the open-seat Idaho senate race shows great potential. Meet independent candidate Marvin Richardson, who has legally changed his name to “Pro-Life.” Wonkette hereby endorses him for any office he ever wants. MORE »

When it comes to powerful Senate leaders, you can’t wander much farther from the herd than Idaho’s own Larry Craig. Beloved commenter Botswana Meat Commission FC brings our attention to this “Power Ranking” thingum, which offers definitive proof that Senator Craig has about as much legislative pull as the Fraggles who are illegally beamed down from space every night to lick clean the elevator buttons in the Capitol. The only loser more pathetic than Craig is John Barrasso, the freshman senator from Wyoming. What is he hiding? [Congress.org Power Rankings]

Wow, we’d gotten so entangled in the Eliot Spitzer sex scandal that we forgot about America’s Gays and their leader, Senator Larry Craig of Idaho. What’s that unbelievably gay man been up to recently? When not scanning over intern applications, it seems he’s still going on about that little airport incident last summer. His lawyers have entered another “reply” to the court of Minnesota, arguing in vain that What He Did was not gay at all. Let’s find the most hilariously gay moments of this 42-page document! MORE »