Ha ha, it’s funny because the mutant overlord Michael Chertoff is the Secretary of Homeland Security, which includes Immigration and Customs Enforcement, and unbeknownst to him some ILLEGAL ALIENS snuck in and cleaned his house! Have you ever heard of such an outrageous thing in your life, that illegal immigrants might work for large housecleaning services? MORE »

If you’ve ever wondered how to get your hands on some nice whale tranquilizers, wonder no longer: just emigrate to the U.S., get deported, say something inoffensive like, “I would prefer not to return to the Congo, because I am a journalist and they will kill me there,” and a representative from the Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency will happily inject you with massive doses of frightening antipsychotic drugs like Haldol. No diagnosed psychotic disorder? No problem! You are still entitled to a horrifying drug cocktail that will leave you immobilized and hallucinating for days while your swollen tongue returns to its normal size. [Washington Post]

Did you have some sort of plans Tuesday night? Were you crushed by the Terrorist Ice Strom? Well here’s some of what your Wonkette cooked up for you during our nation’s only Maryland-Virginia-DC primary: MORE »

According to Shepard Smith, terrible ice-traffic problems exclusively targeted John McCain voters in Maryland on Tuesday night. Never has such horror been visited upon America since September 11, 2001. Thank god Shep was there to talk us through it all. [FOX News]

Panic! There’s SNOW outside! As the federal government struggles to cope with this strange, cold, slippery water-like substance that’s coated every exposed surface of the city, employees everywhere are being sent home early — so no one’s reading us! MORE »