Tag Archives: hurricane sandy

  down in his b-boy stance

Hurricane Hypeman Joe Biden Warms Up The East Coast For Your Homeboy Barack Obama

Joe Biden can literally say any fucking thing in the goddamn world, and it does not matter. Said Joey the Biden to Sandy victims to make them feel better and convince them they have a black friend: “So as the president said when he was up here with the governor, we’re not going anywhere. We’re not going anywhere. And you’ve got a homeboy in the deal who gets it.” Read more on Hurricane Hypeman Joe Biden Warms Up The East Coast For Your Homeboy Barack Obama…
  waaahhhh

Romney Staffers Totally Butthurt That Chris Christie Is Too Busy For Their Nonsense

One of the most delightful developments of the past week has been seeing New Jersey Governor Chris Christie get evicted from the Republican Party for the crime of being respectful and grateful (in the wake of a hurricane that devastated his state) to the president of the United States, who is a known black person. (Christie is one of the last remaining Republicans who operate in actual reality — for instance, he believes global warming is real and we need to shut the fuck about the terrifying Musliny threat — even though he does spend an awful lot of time yelling at teachers.) First he went on Fox & Friends and blew their minds when he was all “nah mang, don’t got time for Mitt Romney’s ass,” and then everybody flipped out! Rush Limbaugh called him a big fat idiot! IT. WAS. GLORIOUS. And according to Christie, Romney was all like, “Indeed, fellow, I quite understand that the well-being of your state comes before the needs of our politickal campaign,” but Romney’s staffers are another (more butthurt) story entirely! Read more on Romney Staffers Totally Butthurt That Chris Christie Is Too Busy For Their Nonsense…
  cape not pictured

Cory Booker Will Bring You Some Blankets in His Sexxy New Tumblr

Those shameless libruls are at it again, making jokes about your teenage daughters and black men and THE SEXING. Only this time, these concepts are being strategically interwoven into a new hawt Tumblr, “Cory Booker Hey Girl” (much more sneaky than two short weeks ago, when Lena Dunham explained the importance of losing one’s virginity to Barack Obama in a polling booth). Perhaps you are familiar with this sort of Tumblr, because like any responsible American citizen, you harbor unrequited romantic feelings for actor Ryan Gosling. This new rendition of “Hey Girl” begs the question, “Sure, Ryan Gosling captured your heart when he ended racism by dancing in the ‘Remember the Titans’ locker room, but did he invite you into his living room to charge your iPhone?” Read more on Cory Booker Will Bring You Some Blankets in His Sexxy New Tumblr…
  this is the greatest classiest trump post

Donald Trump Finding New And Exciting Ways To Be Ridiculous About Hurricane Sandy

First things first: the lady yelling at Chuck Schumer in the Fox & Friends video below is AMAZING, and obviously did the “Jill” voiceover for the Adam Sandler masterpiece Jack and an Unfortunate Appearance by Al Pacino. Second things second: Noted philanthropist Donald Trump is always good to have around to explain that why would you put Hurricane Sandy into some kind of idiotic “global warming” context when it is COLD in New York right now? He has obviously never seen the John Cusack nature documentary The Day After Tomorrow! Read more on Donald Trump Finding New And Exciting Ways To Be Ridiculous About Hurricane Sandy…
  he's the ayn randiest!

Stupid Hurricane ‘Victims,’ Let Fox News’ John Stossel Explain Why It Is Awesome To Price Gouge You

Now that Chris Christie has dared to show what used to be the standard amount of deference and respect due to the office of the president, the right wing has pounced on him like Rush Limbaugh on a Dominican hooker. The latest complaint is that he is not allowing oil companies to take advantage of New Jersey’s misfortune and charge whatever they want in storm-stricken neighborhoods filled with desperate people. There are long lines, you see, ever so long lines of people waiting for gasoline, and Chris Christie could fix these long lines if he just let gas stations charge, say, $20 per gallon. Why is Chris Christie a mean man that hates price gouging and by extension, capitalism? Read more on Stupid Hurricane ‘Victims,’ Let Fox News’ John Stossel Explain Why It Is Awesome To Price Gouge You…
  not even victoria jackson's ukulele?

Fox & Friends: Why Doesn’t NBC’s Hurricane Sandy Telethon Have More People Who Sneer At People Who Need Help?

Well it is obviously Media Matters Day here on your Wonket, as they are our “idiotic Fox & Friends video” go-to, and Fox & Friends is on somewhat of a tear! Now? They’re just asking! why NBC would give Barack Obama such a wet, tonguey blow job by doing … a Hurricane Sandy benefit? Is that because hurricane relief and disaster management have liberal biases? (Of course it is. And it’s obviously just Not Fair to mention a hurricane right after a hurricane happens, when Barack Obama is good at cleaning up after hurricanes, and Mitt Romney is bad at it.) But it is also because they are putting a whole bunch of rock stars on a stage, right before an election, and they are all liberals, and as Steve Doocy plaintively demanded, “HOW IS NBC GOING TO CONTROL WHAT PEOPLE SAY???” Read more on Fox & Friends: Why Doesn’t NBC’s Hurricane Sandy Telethon Have More People Who Sneer At People Who Need Help?…
  magickal incantations

Romney Crowd Will Defeat Hurricanes With Chants Of U-S-A! (Video)

Here is Mitt Romney tryna be all “MESSAGE: WE CARE” when something unexpected happens. A middle-aged white man yells “what about the climate?” (instead of the obviously more important “what about your gaffes”) and unfurls a banner explaining, DERR climate change is creating bigger and more dangerous “weather events,” and we will all just have to get used to it. Silly white man! “The climate” did not cause Killer Sandy! And if it did, why, a rousing round of “U-S-A” will defeat it once and for all! Why didn’t Michael Bloomberg just think of that? [Youtube] Read more on Romney Crowd Will Defeat Hurricanes With Chants Of U-S-A! (Video)…
  rush limbaugh expects an apology

Rush Limbaugh Thinks Chris Christie Is A Big Fat Fool

Oh ha ha ha, this is delightful! Two days ago, Chris Christie basically told Romney to go eat a dick because he wasn’t interested in prancing around with Mittens, looking for photo ops, while half of New Jersey’s coastline was still underwater. So today, Rush Limbaugh has decreed that Chris Christie is “fat” and a “fool” for daring to look after his state instead of Mitt Romney’s presidential ambitions. Doesn’t Chris Christie know that it’s Mitt’s Time?? Read more on Rush Limbaugh Thinks Chris Christie Is A Big Fat Fool…
  halliburton's got you covered

Mitt Romney, With A Week To Think About It: Only A Crazy Person Would Try To Privatize FEMA!

His Lord High Hairgel Mittens of Romney, having had a week to formulate an answer to a rather pertinent question that stupid “reporters” just would not stop asking him, has finally decided what his stance on FEMA is. Are you ready to guess? Here are your options: He is for it; he is against it; he is both for and against it. OK, are you ready to test your Romney IQ? Read more on Mitt Romney, With A Week To Think About It: Only A Crazy Person Would Try To Privatize FEMA!…
  Department of Strategic Asshattery

Michael Brown On Sandy: Why The Big Hurry? It’s Only A Hurricane, Not Benghazi

Yes, yes, we know: this story, like so much hurricane wreckage, is starting to grow mold already. But let’s pause a moment to give incompetent former FEMA director Michael Brown his due: with his insanely stupid suggestion that the Obama administration was responding too quickly to Hurricane Sandy, he pulled off a fairly adroit bit of political jujitsu. By saying something so comically dickish and painfully ironic that no media outlet could possibly resist “poking the fun” at it, he got the chance to advance the right’s maliciously dickish narrative about Obama’s supposed mishandling of the attack on the U.S. Consulate in Benghazi. Read more on Michael Brown On Sandy: Why The Big Hurry? It’s Only A Hurricane, Not Benghazi…
  sorry megs mccabe you're still dead to us

Megan McCain Wants to Know if Her Party Will Betray God, Acknowledge Existence of Climate Change

Here’s an interesting question: what if one of America’s oldest and greatest cities was covered in ocean water and subjected to a once-in-a-lifetime style weather event because the moon happened to be full when a tropical hurricane drifted north and collided with an arctic storm? If that happened, do you think that the GOP might want to stop pretending that climate change doesn’t exist? This is what “political analyst” Megan McCain wants to know. (Yes, the Hill actually refers to her as “political analyst” Megan McCain.) Anyway, can we stop pretending we don’t believe in anthropogenic climate change, GOP, is what she wants to know? And the answer is OF COURSE NOT, DUH. Read more on Megan McCain Wants to Know if Her Party Will Betray God, Acknowledge Existence of Climate Change…
  gucci mang

Steve King Off Message About GOP’s Specific Plans To Screw Over Disaster Victims

Mitt Romney is the current GOP nominee for president, which means that, for the next six days, he’s the head of the Republican party. We’re pretty sure that’s in the Constitution? Anyway, in the wake of the hurricane that’s crippled New York City (and also exiled Your Wonkette to Tumblr, even though Tumblr is based in New York, hmm), people want to know his position on federal disaster relief aid. He won’t tell you anything about them, but last June he said, “Every time you have an occasion to take something from the federal government and send it back to the states, that’s the right direction.” And this week a spokesperson said “States should be in charge of emergency management in responding to storms and other natural disasters in their jurisdictions … and direct[ing] resources and assistance to where they are needed most. This includes help from the federal government and FEMA.” So there you have it: the feds should give disaster relief to state governments to spend as they wish, which they’ll probably screw up somehow, but at least they’ll screw up on the state level, and the invisible hand of the market will guide you to a better state, unless you die. EXCEPT … what’s that, Steve King? The federal government needs to tightly control how disaster relief money is spent, lest it go to handbags or prostitutes or, worse, disaster preparedness??? Tell us more! Read more on Steve King Off Message About GOP’s Specific Plans To Screw Over Disaster Victims…
  and then he eated them

Nanny State RINO New Jersey Governor Chris Christie Cancels Children’s Holiday, Inpeach!

We told you yesterday about the (currently unlinkable!) terrible, horrible things RINO New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said about His Lord High Hairgel Mittens of Romney. (Namely, he told him to eat a dick, and had “no interest” in hosting him for a natural disaster photo op. Then he ate the dick of Barack Nobummer a bunch for not being terrible at hurricanes.) But what horrible thing has he done now? He has canceled Christmas Halloween! Just because of a little bilgewater/mass destruction! Instead, the poor children of New Jersey will be putting on their scary Barack Obama masks a week later, on November 5 or something — yes, Electione’en! Why does Chris Christie hate the sound of children’s laughter and joy?  Read more on Nanny State RINO New Jersey Governor Chris Christie Cancels Children’s Holiday, Inpeach!…
  failing up

Mitt Romney’s Guide To Flood Management

As Click & Clack will tell you, it’s the stingy man who ends up paying most, and apparently it’s as true of governing as car repairs! And apparently also, Mitt Romney, as governor of Massachusetts, was quite the Scrooge when it came to building levees and other flood control for his state! Here is a nice find from our friends at Slog: In the spring of 2004, Peabody, Mass., got drenched with rain, which flooded the downtown area. After the storm, then-Gov. Mitt Romney asked President George W. Bush to declare Essex, Middlesex and Suffolk Counties federal disaster areas, according to the Boston Globe. That fall, the state legislature proposed spending $5.7 million on a flood prevention project to protect against future floods. Those funds would be matched by $22 million in federal money. Romney vetoed it. Haha, you guys are never gonna guess what happened just two years later, in 1996 2006. Go ahead, try. You’ll never … oh. Yeah, that was it. Read more on Mitt Romney’s Guide To Flood Management…
  important obama endorsements

Mitt Romney Can Kiss Chris Christie’s Fat Ass

A harried-looking New Jersey Governor Chris Christie showed up on Fox & Friends this morning, and the concerned geniuses there immediately got to the important question, while he explained the massive destruction all around him: Would he be having a nice photo op of the devastation of his state with Republican standardbearer His Lord High Hairgel Mittens of Romney? “Hmmm,” said Chris Christie, “no, I think I would prefer it if ol’ Mittens ate a dick instead!” (Direct quote.) Then he gay-married Barack Obama for being awesome at government! Read more on Mitt Romney Can Kiss Chris Christie’s Fat Ass…
  yay

Cindy McCain, Philanthropist & Humanitarian, Simply Loves This Weather!

Wanted-to-be-FLOTUS Cindy McCain took a break Monday evening from her important work of being a Humanitarian and Philanthropist who Cares Deeply About Refugees to let us know that she’s having the time of her life in SUNNY SAN DIEGO, YAY!!! Let’s see what other folks were Tweeting yesterday evening… Read more on Cindy McCain, Philanthropist & Humanitarian, Simply Loves This Weather!…