Tag Archives: hurricane sandy

  Shut up today shut up tomorrow shut up forever!

Chris Christie Promises He Will Never Stop Being A Dick

You shut up, and you shut up, and you shut up
Lovable cuddly soft-spoken goofball Gov. Chris Christie (R-Joisey) appeared on the “Today Show” to vow that he will never give up, never surrender, when it comes to being a raging screamaholic jerk-faced jerk. Read more on Chris Christie Promises He Will Never Stop Being A Dick…
  Get Christie Loathe!

Chris Christie Has Civil Conversation With Citizen, Just Kidding

Oh, PLEASE run for president. Your nation's comedy bloggers need you.
Ugly bag of mostly bile Chris Christie did some brave yelling at a guy during an appearance in Belmar, New Jersey, to mark the second anniversary of Hurricane Sandy on Wednesday. Where sometimes your Barry Bamz politely says he respects protesters’ rights to free speech (usually before they get escorted out), Chris Christie knows that anyone challenging him is just plain wrong. So he yelled a few choice insults at one guy who dared to challenge him. Read more on Chris Christie Has Civil Conversation With Citizen, Just Kidding…
  Nuke The Healthcare Workers From Orbit. It's The Only Way To Be Sure

Chris Christie Wants To Play Doctor With Nurse Lady, Mostly By Yelling At Her

Thank goodness you can't get Ebola from spittle
With no teachers immediately available to yell at, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has taken up yelling at nurses, we guess. In the latest twist on Chris Christie’s War On Health Care Workers Who Volunteer To Fight Deadly Diseases, the New Jersey Department of Health announced this morning that Kaci Hickox, a still-healthy nurse who returned to the U.S. and was clapped in irons for her own good Friday night, would be allowed to return home to Maine: Read more on Chris Christie Wants To Play Doctor With Nurse Lady, Mostly By Yelling At Her…
  hush little baby

Red Cross Can’t Tell You How They Spend Your Money Because Then They’d Have To Kill You

Unless you have some philosophical objection to reading any news whatsoever about charities, you are likely aware that the Red Cross is sometimes kinda skeevy with the bazillions of dollars they take in, like when they received giant gobs of 9/11 donations but then decided it was cool if local chapters kept the money instead. You’d think things like that would make them be a little less weirdly evasive about what they do with donations after an enormous disaster like Hurricane Sandy, but you’d be wrong. Right now, the Red Cross is seeking to block disclosure of how they raised and spent that money because they say it’s a trade secret. Read more on Red Cross Can’t Tell You How They Spend Your Money Because Then They’d Have To Kill You…
  we're gonna run out of mob movie quotes soon

Withholding Hurricane Sandy Aid Should Teach Hoboken Not To Take Sides With Anyone Against Chris Christie Ever Again

We’re going to have to set up some sort of macro template to write about Chris Christie. It can include the words “bridge” and “corruption” and “investigation widens” and “Hurricane Sandy” and so on. The weekend brought news that Christie allegedly (see? no libel there!) blocked Hurricane Sandy aid to Hoboken because Mayor Dawn Zimmer wouldn’t play ball. We’ve touched upon this a couple times already but let’s face it: there is no such thing as too much coverage of the delicious ever-expanding Chris Christie scandal. So what is it that kicked off this latest possibly career-destroying scandal? Over the weekend, Hoboken lady mayor came forward and explained how her city had gotten approximately ten dollars of Hurricane Sandy aid instead of the kazillions it needs since the city was basically drowned during the hurricane, all thanks to Christie withholding those funds unless Zimmer greenlit a pet redevelopment project. Read more on Withholding Hurricane Sandy Aid Should Teach Hoboken Not To Take Sides With Anyone Against Chris Christie Ever Again…
  Barnum & Failey

Chris Christie Spent Extra $2.2M To Ensure Sandy Recovery Ads Featured NJ’s #1 Tourist Attraction Chris Christie

Come one come all! See the incredible Shrinking Governor! Once a monstrous, corpulent troll in appearance as well as demeanor, governor Chris Christie’s stature is diminishing by the minute! Who could have known that an appalling surgical procedure intended to control the governor’s bacchanalian appetites would also foreshadow the evaporation of his credibility? Come one come all! “Mommy, what’s wrong with that man’s face?” asked the boy. “Shh, he can hear you,” replied the boy’s mother. The boy continued: “But it looks so–” “I know,” said his mother, speaking over him. “It’s complicated. Sometimes people look ugly for no reason, and it’s very sad. They’re good people underneath, and you shouldn’t judge them. Other times, though… well, other times people cause traffic jams just because they’re angry. And sometimes they take $4.7 million in federal storm relief money and spend it on a campaign ad.” Read more on Chris Christie Spent Extra $2.2M To Ensure Sandy Recovery Ads Featured NJ’s #1 Tourist Attraction Chris Christie…
  then he ate all the tourists

Chris Christie Gobbling Up Federal Sandy Muneez To Make Commercials Starring Him

Chris Christie has released his first wave of campaign ads for the 2016 presidential elections! Oh no wait, no, these are not campaign ads, they are Jersey Shore tourism ads, can’t you tell? They are public service ads to promote tourism! Because everybody wants to go to a beach full of Chris Christies. That’s why it is totally okay for Christie to spend $4.7 million from Hurricane Sandy relief money with some PR firm called MWW — which happens to be $2 million MORE than another bid — on shameless self-promotion, or, as the always yelling Christie yells it, this selfless effort to promote tourism. These particular ads also cost more because they had Christie starring in them. Read more on Chris Christie Gobbling Up Federal Sandy Muneez To Make Commercials Starring Him…
  he was runnin' against the wind

After Lengthy Downtime, Mitt Romney Powers Up To Explains That Hurricane Sandy Wrecked His Robot Dreams

OK to be totally honest, we’d pretty much completely forgotten about Mitt Romney. Sure, Mittens gave us some high comedy like binders full of women and we couldn’t get enough of his failed attempts to behave as a human, but he just became a misty water-colored memory months ago. But – we were wrong to forget about Mitt and to overlook his amazing power to be an entitled whiny-ass-titty-baby about EVERYTHING, including why he lost the election. SPOILER ALERT: It wasn’t his fault! It was the fault of that meddling hurricane: Read more on After Lengthy Downtime, Mitt Romney Powers Up To Explains That Hurricane Sandy Wrecked His Robot Dreams…
  Never Fugetaboutit

Christie Says Snooki ‘Not A Jersey Girl,’ Emergency Conference Call To Springsteen, Kevin Smith Imminent

Is “Snooki” still even a thing? We guess maybe Snooki is still a thing. We mean, sure, she’s got a pulse and all, which is good for her, don’t get us wrong. But even as a punchline, isn’t she well past her sell-by date? Even for Political Savant Jay Leno? But apparently she is still enough of a thing that when New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie briefly met her last week during his Barrackapalooza tour — you know, all about the state’s recovery from a devastating hurricane — the sideshow was news somehow, at least in some hellish alternate universe that we do not ever want to live in, even if Barry has a cool goatee there. Was there drama? It is possible that there was drama. There was also butthurt! There was even an aftermath, in which Christie suggested that Snooki was not actually a “Jersey Girl,” because she grew up in New York. Oh, the humanity! Read more on Christie Says Snooki ‘Not A Jersey Girl,’ Emergency Conference Call To Springsteen, Kevin Smith Imminent…
  Oooooooklahoma!

Tornado Only The Third-Biggest Bag Of Wind In Oklahoma This Week

Spackle-brained dick weasel Sen. James Inhofe is bad at so many, many things. He does not understand legally defined standards of treatment for prisoners of war. He thinks he understands science better than actual scientists. He is even a shitty pilot. In fact, the only marketable skill James Inhofe possesses is his innate ability to be a spackle-brained dick weasel. Luckily for him that there exists a job for which this skill is a feature and not a bug: United States senator! Yesterday a corner of Inhofe’s home state got flattened like an anthill stomped by a hyperactive five-year-old. Most humans who viewed the footage were moved to tears or anger or tears of anger. Inhofe’s colleague Tom Coburn, no slouch himself in the spackle-brained dick weasel department, was moved as well … right to the nearest television camera, where he stated that he would be happy to ask the federal government for financial help in cleaning up and rebuilding, just so long as Congress found some budget “offsets” elsewhere. So the folks in Oklahoma can have some help after this terrible tragedy so long as some other folks in Florida or Arkansas or New York agree to go without food or medical care for a while. This argle bargle was followed by a collective BANG! as if millions of heads struck millions of desks at the exact same moment. Then everyone started reminding Coburn and Inhofe about their votes against the Hurricane Sandy relief bill last year, which made them look like heartless skinsacks. Today Inhofe went on the TV box himself, where a news anchor asked him if maybe he wasn’t being a tiny bit hypocritical in demanding federal aid for Oklahoma after denying it to New Jersey. That was when we learned that James Inhofe, in addition to having a hypocritical streak wider than Ari Fleischer’s forehead, also sucks at geography (or knowledge of any kind really): Read more on Tornado Only The Third-Biggest Bag Of Wind In Oklahoma This Week…
  which ones are the prostitutes again?

AP Scoop: Dominican Republic Hookers in Menendez Story Were Not Trustworthy After All

Like a middle-aged man in the grip of a Viagra-fueled sex spree, this whole “Did New Jersey Senator Robert Menendez (D-Sexytimes) Sex Up Some Underage Hookers In The Dominican Republic” story just keeps on keepin’ on! Just to recap: not long before the November election, chipmunk-faced ace reporter Matthew Boyle broke the shocking news that an unmarried man might have stiffed a couple of hookers, and also underpaid them, while he was on some sort of sex-crazed sexanalia in the DR, where prostitution happens to be legal. Of course, this is New Jersey, which already has its share of embarrassing citizens, so everyone there was all “Meh” and “Go Big Blue” and “Nice state we got here, be a shame if anything…HOLY MOTHER OF GOD SEND HELP!” But much like herpes, Boyle would not go away. Read more on AP Scoop: Dominican Republic Hookers in Menendez Story Were Not Trustworthy After All…
  hypocrisy tornado

Senate Approves Sandy Relief, Senate Still Littered With Bastards

The United States Senate voted last night to approve $60 billion in relief for communities affected by Hurricane Sandy — money that was evidently counted by hand, because Hurricane Sandy was three stinking months ago. The vote passed with 62 votes, which is nice because the money can finally go out, but we cannot forget that this means 38 members did not vote for it, and that is where the juicy business is! They are all Republicans, obviously, and presumably voted against it because we have a HUGE SPENDING CRISIS, and whenever there is a chance to get credit for voting against spending, they will take it. They probably vote against specialized federal spending like this every time it comes up, right? Not just when they can cast a safe, meaningless ‘no’ vote and it doesn’t affect them? Prepare to be startled, Internet Folk: Many of the senators who voted against Sandy relief love government relief, so long as it is not going to atheist New York Jew abortionists. Read more on Senate Approves Sandy Relief, Senate Still Littered With Bastards…
  sandy can't you see i'm in misery

Gracious House Of Representatives To NJ, CT And NY: Fine, Here’s Your Stupid Hurricane Money

Another guest post from your comrade Fakakta South. The House finally voted Tuesday to graciously give out approximately $50.5 billion to the states hit hardest by the freakishly strong Frankenstorm of the Century, Hurricane Sandy. The measure passed with a vote of 241-180, with 179 Republicans voting against giving any money to anyone ever again at all. It has been 80 days since one of the worst storms ever recorded by the obviously Socialist National Weather Monitoring Systems swept across the Northeast in yet another attempt by an angry God to punish all the gayness and abortioning in America. In that time, we re-elected a President, hundreds of Americans died in violent gun deaths, Republicans spent all their time trying to ban abortion harder, and Chris Christie became a confusingly rational hero for people who believe when we have a devastating natural disaster in this country we should try to fix it and that John Boehner is a callous, disgusting failure. Read more on Gracious House Of Representatives To NJ, CT And NY: Fine, Here’s Your Stupid Hurricane Money…
  illegitimate

Who Is Barack Obama Raping Today, Charles Krauthammer?

Charles Krauthammer, who is Barack Obama raping today? HA TRICK QUESTION! Barack Obama is raping everybody today, because he is raping our treasury, because Hurricane Sandy. (Also, while we are aware it should be “whom is Obama raping,” because the rapee is the object of Barack Obama’s raping, well, in this one instance we just kind of don’t care. GRAMMAR BLOGGING!) Here is the first part, where Chuckles weeps salty tears for the unfairness we did to George W. Bush, before explaining how Barape Oraper raped us all, with his mighty black cock of fiscal irresponsibility. “Sometimes the hypocrisy of the Democrats would leave Diogenes stunned,” Krauthammer said. “The Democrats spent two years savaging President [George W.] Bush over his treatment of Katrina. All of a sudden it’s a paragon of how to deal with disasters.” LET’S UNPACK THIS A BIT RIGHT? Read more on Who Is Barack Obama Raping Today, Charles Krauthammer?…
 

Michelle Malkin Knows Just Who Is To Blame For Withholding Sandy Relief (It Is Obama Duh)

We should stop being surprised when the party of personal responsibility blames EVERYONE ELSE for its own failures, time and time again. But somehow, we are still surprised! Every single time! We should also stop being surprised when Fox News decides that it can present a completely opposite vision of reality with a totally straight face, and yet, it is still surprising! EVERY SINGLE TIME, maybe someone can help us figure out why that is. Anyway, today Fox News is going to explain at us about Sandy relief, and why it is Obama’s fault that it has been delayed. Read more on Michelle Malkin Knows Just Who Is To Blame For Withholding Sandy Relief (It Is Obama Duh)…