Wonkette

Remember when men used to go hunting? Well, they all quit — all but Ted Nugent and Dick Cheney, anyway. Today, American men just sit on the couch in their underwear eating Taco Bell and watching video of people driving cars around in circles. So the whole hunting industry of gun manufacturers and camouflage outfitters and various animal-shooting paraphernalia is fading away like all the other American industries. Can Sarah Palin at least help this lost cause? MORE »

Every year duck hunters have to get a stamp showing they’re allowed to shoot these animals that Cindy McCain enjoys bothering so much, and the cards that the stamp goes on have a hilarious misprint! Instead of giving you the number to order more duck stamps, it gives you the number where you can have sexytalk with pretty ladies for $1.99 a minute. And that, friends, is the difference between 1-800-STAMP24 and 1-800-TRAMP24. Silly Fish and Wildlife Service, with your accidental sex shenanigans! [Star-Tribune]

Remember that time former pro wrestler Jesse “The Body” Ventura ran for Governor of Minnesota, and then he said, “Until you hunted man, you haven’t hunted yet,” and then he turned into a crazy paranoid kook with Satanic facial hair? Well, now he has a new book, and he has embarrassed the Libertarians, so he is doing about as well as anybody expected. [Reason]

John Hugya, Pennsylvania Representative Jack Murtha’s chief of staff, used Murtha campaign funds to buy a rifle and some knives and other gun-nut baubles at an auction held by the Friends of the National Rifle Association. And then Hugya counted the $2151 he spent as a gift from the Murtha campaign, even though the Murtha folks said the money was a payment to Friends of the NRA for “advertising.” Talk about a scandal! MORE »

When Mike Huckabee went hunting in Iowa Wednesday to prove that he had a penis or something, he bagged him a pheasant or two, but he was really hoping to kill reporters. At least that’s the account of one reporter there, who notes that, “At one point, Huckabee’s party turned toward a cluster of reporters and cameramen and, when they kicked up a pheasant, fired shotgun blasts over the group’s heads.” Huck, you crazy wombat! The press has been so nice to you recently, by like, not bringing up your hatred of gay people and all that other crazy Jesusery at all. MORE »

So, while candidates in other countries risk life and limb for politics, our candidates risk only their own pride and our derision to win the right to continue campaigning for another 10 months or so. And so it was that yesterday Mike Huckabee decided to let his redneck flag fly by announcing that he doesn’t only kill small animals for fun all the time unlike that poseur Romney, he eats them, too. Yes, in order to pander to the varmint-eaters vote, Huckabee bragged “I figured out you could put grease in a popcorn popper and heat that thing up, and you could cook anything,. So we fried squirrel.” OMG, people, is this what we’re coming to? Who is the biggest redneck Macgyver? And with 10 more months to go? I’m cracking the booze now. Book me at room at Promises for November 5th, please. [LA Times]

We were fascinated today by the relentless coverage of Mike Huckabee’s pheasant hunting trip this morning, but never more so than when we actually heard him talking about it. CNN’s ever-trenchant analysis of candidates’ last-minute pandering is followed by exclusive Wonkette video of Huckabee’s on-the-ground interview! [Yahoo News]

Dick Cheney, Barack Obama’s Rwandan uncle, visited New York Monday to participate in that old Empire State tradition of hunting at a private club. While Cheney was going around shooting pelicans or whatever, some rascal New York Daily News photographer went searching the club’s maintenance sheds for bits of racism and discovered a 3-by-5 foot Confederate flag. The Daily News notified Brooklyn’s own Greasy Bear Al Sharpton, and a fake scandal has ensued. MORE »

Attention, Poughkeepsie, New York: Vice President Dick Cheney is coming to town, and he will be armed. I repeat: HE WILL BE ARMED. We know he will be hunting, but we don’t what he’ll be hunting. Consider yourselves warned.
Exclusive: Cheney to hunt in Dutchess County again {Poughkeepsie Journal]

There is only one thing that makes our lovable “vice” president smile: killing animals. (Killing people just makes him smirk.) MORE »

* Barbara Mikulski and Patrick Leahy tell Alberto Gonzales not to speak until spoken too. [WP, NYT]
* Josh Bolten is just as conservative, but way smarter than any Texan. [WP]
* Put your guns in the ground Mitt Romney, you can’t use them anymore. [WP, NYT]
* Oh, that Adam Putnam, such a wily young ginger. [WP]
* The Nantucket and Cape Cod summer crowds steal Agriculture Department money meant for people in legitimately poor, rural areas. [WP]
* Bitter about your student loans? You should be. [NYT]
* David Brody isn’t blogging for Pat Robertson, he’s blogging for Jesus. [LAT]

Mitt Romney, a rich liberal who lives in Massachusetts, has a problem: he wants to be the Republican nominee for President, but he’s barely ever killed anything. MORE »

Above, presidential candidate Mike Huckabee and his faithful dog Old Dan, armed to to teeth and ready to fight America’s most deadly foe: turkeys. MORE »