You know who sucks? Poor jobless hungry people in America, that’s who! The famous wingnut blog “The Drudge Report” got some GOP people very, very excited because Drudge posted something suggesting the government spent $1.2 million to purchase “two pounds of ham.” TALK ABOUT PORK SPENDING, HEY-O! But, according to sad pooh-bear agriculture secretary Tom Vilsack, “the contract in question purchased 760,000 pounds of ham for $1.19 million, at a cost of approximately $1.50 per pound.” MORE »

That 0.6% bit of economic growth in the first quarter of 2008 was just the pathetic result of $3.50-a-gallon gasoline, but there is one sector of the U.S. economy that’s truly booming: Desperate Americans are selling off their last possessions on Craigslist and other online flea-market sites, just so they can buy a little food and gas. MORE »

Marketwatch wants you to cheer up. Well, not all of you, just the ones with investments and money who are freaking out because poor people are rioting over scarce food supplies, millions of foreclosed homes are sitting empty and unsold, and local governments are no longer able to afford police and firefighters to protect rich people from the hordes. What to do? Laugh, that’s what! MORE »

OUR HUNGRY NATION: Two newspapers put “Horse for Sale” ad in the “Good Things To Eat” classifieds. [AZ Central]

Starving Iowans are following Mitt Romney around the state because the $300-million man is buying votes the old fashioned way: by feeding the starving citizens. Thanks to this brilliant strategy, Mitt has climbed to the top of the Iowa GOP polls and is expected to handily beat other candidates who cannot afford to feed the masses. Newsweek reports from the food frenzy: MORE »

* The US will participate in a little regional conference about Iraq that features just about every country the White House hates. [WP, NYT]
* Furrowed brows abound as Democrats continue to contemplate war legislation. [WP, NYT, LAT]
* Black voters continue to be drawn to Barack Obama. Also, old white men still vote for each other. [WP]
* CIA happily gives candy bars to people they’ve disappeared. [WP]
* HUD confirms there are no less than 700K homeless in the US, add, “it could happen to you!” [USAT]
* Of course, in a globalized market where one of the driving economies is beset by investors who think it’s “a slot machine,” it could happen to you. [NYT]
* Lara Croft writes letters. [WP]

Hooray, it’s a new record for the Dow! Happy days are here again! The TV news idiots are high-fiveing and congratulating each other on this exciting market news.

Too bad the New Great Depression is about to strike! There’s an October Surprise sure to please everyone.

We’ll tell you what today has in common with September 3, 1929, August 17, 1987 and March 10, 2000, after the jump.

MORE »