Tag Archives: huma abedin

  do not pass go

Bernie Fans And Republicans Agree: Hillary Clinton Should Drop Out NOW!

Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton's real face, we guess.
Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton’s real face, we guess. Oh look, it is another extremely meaningful poll to tell us the extremely meaningful things about what might happen if the 2016 election were held today, even though it’s not going to be held for (hold on, back-of-the-napkin calculations happening) at least eleventy thousand more days. Considering how Hillary Clinton is probably a ginormous email criminal, who insists on changing her email address every single time she fires up a new AOL free trial CD-ROM, should she drop out of the race RIGHT THIS SECOND? Glad we have a poll from the ever-reliable Rasmussen to tell us these things: Read more on Bernie Fans And Republicans Agree: Hillary Clinton Should Drop Out NOW!…
  whoa if true

Wingnut Birthers Prove Hillary Clinton’s Even More Secret Gay Muslim Than Obama

P.S. They ARE crackpots
Oh, this again some more? Sure, because it never gets old! Wingnut birther Jerome Corsi and other wingnut birther and conspiracy theory generalist-at-large Alex Jones were having themselves a little girl talk, on the interweb, as they do. They have worked together before, to expose THE TRUTH about how Obama was never even born, Hawaii made the whole thing up, there’s video and everything. (Spoiler: Not really, but you knew that, right?) So, here they are, together again, talking about the usual: Read more on Wingnut Birthers Prove Hillary Clinton’s Even More Secret Gay Muslim Than Obama…
  Clintongate

National Review: But What About The Clintons’ Underage Sex Slaves And Russian Blackmail?

Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton's real face, we guess.
Conservatives have yet to uncover The Scandal that will, once and for all and forever, destroy history’s greatest monsters, Bill and Hillary Clinton. Not for lack of trying — for decades, with a bazillionteen dollars, and an army of rightwing organizations dedicated to inspecting every scrap of toilet paper that ever wiped a Clinton’s butthole. And not without the aid of the media, even the “liberal” media like the New York Times, always happy to imply that if the Clintons drew a breath, it was perhaps illegal, immoral, unethical, or too horrifically X-rated to explain to the children. Read more on National Review: But What About The Clintons’ Underage Sex Slaves And Russian Blackmail?…
  Fab Five Freddie told me everybody's high

Michele Bachmann Super Excited We’re All Gonna Die And Go To Jesus Heaven Real Soon, Hooray!

Wheeeeeeeeeeee!
Now that Michele Bachmann is retired, having saved America by giving it cheap gas, she has a lot of free time on her hands. And she certainly doesn’t want to spend all of it shopping with Marcus for doggie sunglasses. So she’s been hanging with her gal pal, radio host Jan Markell, talkin’ ’bout girl stuff, like how God is cursing us with droughts and snowstorms and economic disasters because Obama is causing the End Times. SAD FACE. Read more on Michele Bachmann Super Excited We’re All Gonna Die And Go To Jesus Heaven Real Soon, Hooray!…
  Tipgate

Prepare Madame Guillotine: Hillary Clinton Did Not Tip At Fast-Food Restaurant Chipotle Exclamation Point

Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton's real face, we guess.
It is far too early in the 2016 presidential election cycle to officially declare this is the stupidest story we are going to see, but hot damn, it’ll probably still be a strong contender by Election Day. Read more on Prepare Madame Guillotine: Hillary Clinton Did Not Tip At Fast-Food Restaurant Chipotle Exclamation Point…
  so long farewell

A Children’s Treasury Of ‘Normal Real Person’ Michele Bachmann

She's real something all right
Photo by Beth Ethier While watching soon-to-be-former-Rep. Michele Bachmann tell the Values Voter Summit Friday morning that she is a “normal real person,” the sense of just how great a source of comedy we are losing with her upcoming retirement really hit home. Is there even a reason for Wonkette to go on existing once old Crazy Eyes walks off the House floor for the final time and flies back to a life of hot dish suppers and plagues of foster children? We’re going to mention this to the Editrix if she ever surfaces from her long sex tour of the West Coast. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of ‘Normal Real Person’ Michele Bachmann…
  A regular Walter Winchell this one

White House Staffer Fancies Himself Another Wonkette, Now Has Plenty Of Time To Prove It

It looks as if beloved “comedian” and derp volcano Steve Crowder is not the only hacky jokester hitting the unemployment line this week. Yesterday a reporter for the latest casualty in Tina Brown’s long war against successful media properties broke the news that the White House has fired one Jofi Joseph for the crime of being a total smartass on Twitter. Hey Jofi, you should really leave that kind of bold career to professionals like Wonkette. Jofi had what sounds like an important job. He was a director of the nuclear non-proliferation staff of the National Security Council, where he worked on negotiating with Iran over its nuclear program. In his spare time, he apparently liked to blow off steam by going all Mean Girls on Beltway figures. Jofi’s tweets, posted under the handle @natsecwonk (he deleted the account last week), read like what the Heathers would have written if they had all survived high school and moved to D.C. to work as Congressional aides. Naturally, people inside the Beltway loved it. Read more on White House Staffer Fancies Himself Another Wonkette, Now Has Plenty Of Time To Prove It…
  you're fired

Today’s Totally True Story From The New York Post: Hillary Clinton To Huma, ‘It’s Weiner Or Me’

The New York Post, in its continuing quest to out-do its most obvious competition, has the scoop of all scoops from the Hillary ’16 killer campaign machine. Huma Abedin has got to get rid of that Weiner she’s been dragging around, or else get on up out of Hillary’s face. Because if there is one thing Hillary Clinton can’t stand, it’s some chick standing by a man who has publicly humiliated her with a bunch of other women. Read more on Today’s Totally True Story From The New York Post: Hillary Clinton To Huma, ‘It’s Weiner Or Me’…
  nothing but flowers

Perfectly Believable Gennifer Flowers Says She And Bill Would Be Sweetly Married Today If Not For That Hellbeast Chelsea

In an exclusive interview with the Daily Mail, Gennifer Flowers reveals that Bill Clinton was the “love of her life,” that they’d be married and living it up today if not for Chelsea, and that Clinton confided to her that Hillary is definitely bisexual. And would you believe this incredible interview just happens to coincide with the launch of Flowers’ new job as a sex columnist? Talk about lucky timing! Read more on Perfectly Believable Gennifer Flowers Says She And Bill Would Be Sweetly Married Today If Not For That Hellbeast Chelsea…
  don't stand so close to close to me

Sydney Leathers’ New Boobs Bounce Importantly Into Anthony Weiner’s Concession Speech

While we are all very busy remembering to never forget, let us take just a moment for A Very Important Think Piece on Sydney Leather’s new boobs and their appearance at Anthony Weiner’s NYC mayoral concession speech. (He lost big time.) Cause oh yeah, she got some, and boy, they are not real and we are not so sure they are spectacular, but we will stay tuned for whatever porn she says she is definitely not doing, for which she used (we are sure) some guy’s money to buy them. To flash around. At a concession speech. Like a lady. Read more on Sydney Leathers’ New Boobs Bounce Importantly Into Anthony Weiner’s Concession Speech…
  journamalism

Fox News Explains It Is Hard For Weiner To Get It Up For Terrorist Wife

In an attempt to out-stupid MoDo’s claim that Huma stays with Anthony because she’s just too Saudi Arabian to know better, Fox News would like to dumbsplain to you that though Huma is bitterly clinging, Weiner does not want to tap that ass anymore because of how she’s a Muslin who wants to destroy ‘Merica. Smart take! Read more on Fox News Explains It Is Hard For Weiner To Get It Up For Terrorist Wife…
  stop trying to make fetch happen

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday, Maureen Dowd Is Eternally Terrible Edition

We didn’t really think about what we were getting into when we suggested that this “Reading the NYT with Yr Wonkette” thing happen. Key piece of information overlooked: we would actually have to read the thing, often during peak “recovering from hangover” time. We are A Idiot. But enough about us. What’s up with this week’s Sunday New York Times? Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday, Maureen Dowd Is Eternally Terrible Edition… Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday, Maureen Dowd Is Eternally Terrible Edition…
  stand by your man

Anthony Weiner Lets It All Hang Out

The New York Times Magazine gets the fascinating in-depth interviews with disgraced former Jockey model Anthony Weiner and his lovely and graceful wife, Huma Abedin. At the end of May in 2011, Clinton joined President Obama for an official trip to London, ending with a state dinner at Buckingham Palace. “And for some unbelievable reason,” Abedin says, “the White House included me not only in staying at the palace but also in the dinner with the queen. . . . I remember sitting in this spectacular room in the palace at my little desk, writing a note to Anthony saying, ‘I cannot believe what an amazingly blessed life that we live, these incredible experiences we’ve both had.’ ” She went on to Pakistan and then Washington, where they landed very late. “The next morning he had left me a message: ‘My Twitter was hacked. When are you going to be here?’ ” Read more on Anthony Weiner Lets It All Hang Out…
  keeping us safe

Michele Bachmann Still On House Intelligence Committee

Did you feel safer sometime around 11 a.m. Eastern on Friday? Almost as though someone (or someones!) very capable was keeping an eye on our enemies, both foreign and domestic? Of course you did, this is because John Boehner has put Michele Bachmann on the House Intelligence Committee again. Aren’t we lucky, Amercia? USA! USA! No, the demands to have her removed aren’t because she is stupid, because there are plenty of other stupid people doing incredibly important things these days, (see, for example, most of the people on the Committee on Science, Space, and Technology), and this is the new normal. Stupid people doing important things are all the rage these days, no one can be bothered about it. No, that’s not it, people are upset about this particular stupid person because she has made “controversial” statements, which has made “some people” have some “concerns:” Minnesota Republican Rep. Michele Bachmann has been reappointed to the House intelligence committee despite concerns about some of the controversial statements she has made. Read more on Michele Bachmann Still On House Intelligence Committee…
  twinkle twinkle

Texas Congressman Louie Gohmert Casts Aspersions On Potency Of John McCain’s Scrotum

Yes, you are the newest supernova in the Wonket Cavalcade of Stars, Texas Rep. Louie Gohmert, but are you burning too bright? Having just in the past week joined in Michelle Bachmann’s search for Arabs under the bed, and then gotten it just right with his explanation that Aurora was caused by Jealous Jeebus, Louie Gohmert is now calling out John McCain for not hating Muslins enough, and questioning the fullness of his sac full of swimmers. But at least he has not called for McCain to take “a final dirt nap” — you know, a dirt nap OF VOTES! Read more on Texas Congressman Louie Gohmert Casts Aspersions On Potency Of John McCain’s Scrotum…