Is there anyone who hasn’t wanted to tell an annoying blowhard to shut the fuck up and been unable to because of the circumstances? Well, I guess, it’s good to be king. Last week, at a summit in Chile, King Juan Carlos of Spain told Hugo Chavez to shut up when he couldn’t keep his Crazy to himself (the video is in Spanish). While none of us can actually speak Spanish here at Wonketee HQ, Babelfish kindly informed us that the best translation of porque no te callas is actually “because you do not shut yourself up,” which might even be more awesome. Naturally, someone has made a techno remix of the incident (which might be NSFW if anyone in your office speaks Spanish).

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Mon petit croque-monsieur, I know the distaste with which you regard that proffered hand. I, too, would be surprised if it were well-washed and, even in France, one must have hygiene standards. But, truly, it would be a good thing if the distasteful man could secure the release of those prisoners that is your heart’s desire (besides me, of course) and I cannot help but admire your fortitude again. If you need to rid your mind of the memory of his voice, call me, okay? [Yahoo News]

George Bush and Tony Blair? Meh. The hot, new world leader-BFFs are A’jad and Chavez, those two crazy and totally-not-gay kids! The dynamic duo bonded over their shared hatred of the U.S. this weekend which, luckily for them, was held in Saudi Arabia because there are no gays in Iran. And what did they do in sunny Riyadh besides compare penis sizes?

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Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, not content with merely changing what time it is, gives half of Canada to the US for some reason. [Free Ride]

“I don’t care if they call me crazy, the new time will go ahead, let them call me whatever they want,” Chavez said on his weekly TV show. “I’m not to blame. I received a recommendation and said I liked the idea.” [Reuters via Yahoo]

So, Castro. Dead? He’s writing columns, apparently, but hey, the Family Circus still runs too. Anyway, no one knows if he’s alive or dead or what, though we’re leaning towards “alive.” Because did you know that Fidel Castro is the Highlander? It’s true! MORE »

Venezuelan oil giant Citgo has paid between $100,000 and $200,000 to Rudy Giuliani’s law firm so the opera-loving Manhattan dandy can plot against America’s freedoms. MORE »

Each week, the Comics Curmudgeon helps explain Today’s Cartoons.

Americans have a few simple needs when they turn to the editorial pages: They want to read editorials about local elections so that they know who to vote for, since Lord knows they haven’t been paying attention. They want to read Cal Thomas’ column so they know how to get their lives in order before the Rapture cometh. They want to read insane letters to the editor from old ladies upset about the filthy taint on the newspaper industry that is Ask Amy. And they want to see editorial cartoons in which clearly labeled objects and/or animals representing major concepts in the political realm interact with amusing caricatures of elected officials and those who aspire to be elected officials.

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It looks like Fidel Castro just might make it through yet another American presidency. MORE »

Iowa guv Tom “The Sack” Vilsack stunned the nation with his incredibly creepy Orwellian campaign propaganda, but then he pretty much vanished.

Does anyone actually believe Vilsack has a chance in hell of even winning the Iowa caucus, let alone the nomination? Yes, and his name is Hugo Chavez.

Thanks to “Phil” for the picture.

John “Bushy” Bolton is supposedly the next Bush Administration creature to say goodbye, but he may not even get the fancy luxury of a White House press conference hosted by George “Fabulous Job” Bush. MORE »