Wonkette

Here’s Idaho Senior Senator Larry Craig describing a handjob he gave Hugo Chavez gayly saying we can’t let foreign dictators “jerk us around by the gas nozzle” doing both of the things we’ve crossed out. Note the flailing hands. [TPM]

Here is the Absolut vodka ad that is Controversial for appealing to Mexicans, who want to take back the western United States (officially) in their perfect world. Well boo hoo. Look at the upside: Absolut also wants to squash Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez while simultaneously bottle-fucking Puerto Rico. [LA Times]

Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™!

Condi’s been a gal-on-the-go, a veritable Mary Tyler Moore of the diplotaunte circuit. She traipsed from Switzerland to Germany and then all the way to Colombia and back again. More importantly, using advanced Wonkette Shoe Identification Technology, we can reveal the shocking news that Madame Secretary has shifted her footwear allegiance from Ferragamo to Manolo. All this, Oliver North, and Robert Novak’s wistful dreams of a Condi vice presidency … after the jump!

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• Reliable Source: Miley Cyrus can’t enjoy a steak in peace… The Supreme Court Justices go out together, walk in single file… Hugo Chavez takes Naomi Campbell to the gun show. [WP]
• Yeas and Nays: Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon traipse around New Hampshire for John Edwards… Apparently that’s what it takes to get Matt Lauer’s attention. [Examiner]
• Shenanigans: She may have made Hillary Clinton cry, but Marianne Pernold Young is voting for Obama. [Politico]
• Page Six: Norman Mailer got Tina Brown her green card… Lou Dobbs screams and cries when he doesn’t get his way. [NYP]
• Rush & Molloy: There is much attention paid to Sascha Baron Cohen’s penis. [NYDN]
• Fishbowl DC: Howard Kurtz doesn’t think Benzair Bhutto’s chances of winning her election are very good… All roads lead to Politico… Rick Klein got carded 10 years too late… Brian Williams says reporters are falling in love with Barrack Obama. [Media Bistro]

Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™!

Listicles, of course, are the year-end gift writers give themselves. But you know what? It’s been such a peculiar year for the Condibot that it would be totally criminal not to look back and reflect on its thrilling awkwardness. Join me on an epic journey through my personal (hey, get your own column!) favorite special moments in Dr. Ferragamo’s 2007, and my picks for AP’s Condirazzi photos of the year, after the jump…

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To distract from his crushing defeat in the referendum this weekend, Hugo Chavez decided to reveal the surprise ending of the upcoming film National Treasure: Book of Secrets, the trailers for which keep talking about a “secret” book that the Presidents have. Who knew it was written by Bill Clinton? [Washington Post, IMDB]

Is there anyone who hasn’t wanted to tell an annoying blowhard to shut the fuck up and been unable to because of the circumstances? Well, I guess, it’s good to be king. Last week, at a summit in Chile, King Juan Carlos of Spain told Hugo Chavez to shut up when he couldn’t keep his Crazy to himself (the video is in Spanish). While none of us can actually speak Spanish here at Wonketee HQ, Babelfish kindly informed us that the best translation of porque no te callas is actually “because you do not shut yourself up,” which might even be more awesome. Naturally, someone has made a techno remix of the incident (which might be NSFW if anyone in your office speaks Spanish).

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Mon petit croque-monsieur, I know the distaste with which you regard that proffered hand. I, too, would be surprised if it were well-washed and, even in France, one must have hygiene standards. But, truly, it would be a good thing if the distasteful man could secure the release of those prisoners that is your heart’s desire (besides me, of course) and I cannot help but admire your fortitude again. If you need to rid your mind of the memory of his voice, call me, okay? [Yahoo News]

George Bush and Tony Blair? Meh. The hot, new world leader-BFFs are A’jad and Chavez, those two crazy and totally-not-gay kids! The dynamic duo bonded over their shared hatred of the U.S. this weekend which, luckily for them, was held in Saudi Arabia because there are no gays in Iran. And what did they do in sunny Riyadh besides compare penis sizes?

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Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, not content with merely changing what time it is, gives half of Canada to the US for some reason. [Free Ride]