Tag Archives: hugo chavez

  Since You Went Away

Joe Biden Pretty Sure He’s Not Trying To Become King Of Venezuela

News from Overseas! Or a really long drive South, at least. The White House is categorically denying that Old Handsome Joe Biden tried to overthrow the government of Venezuela, no matter how many sad breakup songs Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro requests the DJ to play. Read more on Joe Biden Pretty Sure He’s Not Trying To Become King Of Venezuela…
  we should probably go ahead and abolish the labor department

Diaper Fetishist And Rancid Chickenhawk Boil Unite To Defeat Some Mexican

Ok before we even start: we are not anti-diaper-fetishists, because we are catholic, not Catholic, in our views about how you get your sexytime on. We are, however, anti-diaper-fetishists who are also morality police for other people’s sexytime, so don’t hatetweet us, bro. We give no such caveat re: chickenhawks. Fuck those guys. Yes, it’s true. In the doubleheader you’ve all been waiting for, David Vitter and Rush Limbaugh have joined forces in a veritable Voltron of dumb to explain why they hate Thomas Perez, the socialist Obummer nominated for Secretary of Labor. Read more on Diaper Fetishist And Rancid Chickenhawk Boil Unite To Defeat Some Mexican…
  coup d'etat coup d'etat!

Very Not-Dumb Texas Rep. Louie Gohmert Introduces Bill To Place Obama Under House Arrest

Howdy pardner! Don’t know if you done heard, but we got us a see-quester goin’ on, and that means we ain’t got no cashish for thangs like White House Tours. So Pres’dent Bama, he said, well we will stop this here tour from happenin’ until the see-quester is lifted, because a some reason, who knows. But if there is one thing our good ol’ boys will fight to the death for, remember the Alamo, it is that their constituents not get all p-o-ed bout goin’ all the way to Washinton and then not gettin’ to see Nancy Reagan’s chiner. So Texas Republican Louie Gohmert, who definitely ain’t no idiot, introduced an amendment to the continuing resolution (budget stuff) sayin’ that as long as there weren’t no White House tours, Ol’ Pres’dent Hippity-Hop couldn’t use no taxpayer money to play him no golf. This brings up some innerestin consti-tu-tional questions: Like, if the House can decide Pres’dent Blacky there cain’t use his plane to go play golf, does that mean they can also decide he cain’t use his plane to go give speeches ifn it’s a topic they don’t like? Ifn there’s a golf course near that ol White House, does that mean he cain’t use his car? Can good ol Louie Gohmert decide Pres’dent Hugo Chavez cain’t use no Secret Service protection ifn he wants to take a walk? Can we decide just to lock ol Pres’dent Stalin in the White House forever? Sure, why not, don’t see no harm in it. Read more on Very Not-Dumb Texas Rep. Louie Gohmert Introduces Bill To Place Obama Under House Arrest…
  latin america desk

Hugo Chavez Demands to Know If United States Gave Him Cancer

In case you ever wonder to yourself, as a dark thought experiment, what it sounds like when someone as profoundly paranoid and insane as Michele Bachmann actually ends up as a head of state, you get hilarious newz reports about your president like this one: Read more on Hugo Chavez Demands to Know If United States Gave Him Cancer…
  the tortilla plot

WikiLeaks: ‘Making Socialism Easier To Swallow’ To Win Obama 2nd Term

Per the latest batch of WikiLeaks, a cable from Caracas, Venezuela was sent to Washington in January entitled “Making Socialism Easier to Swallow.” WHY WAS THIS SENT? OUR TAX DOLLARS ARE BEING SPENT STUDYING SOCIALISM TO PICK UP TIPS ON HOW TO DO IT. Obviously, as this was sent to Hillary Clinton, or “RUEHC/SECSTATE WASHDC 0292,” it’s part of a secret flow of information to the committee to re-elect Barack Obama. It has seemed so obvious to all of America, which hates socialism and its evil methods of taking away everyone’s Medicare, that Obama will be repudiated in 2012 for sentencing our dear philosopher, Capitalism, to drink hemlock. But what if he has discovered a method in the jungles of South (Fake) America to make voters like socialism? This proves Obama is morally weak. Read more on WikiLeaks: ‘Making Socialism Easier To Swallow’ To Win Obama 2nd Term…
  te quiero ... te adoro ... mi vida

Hugo Chavez Sings To Hillary Clinton

Venezuela is a socialist paradise where the red-shirted workers gather each night to enjoy cocktails and music with their host/leader, Hugo Chavez. On Wednesday night, in celebration of “Hump Day” and how much he dislikes the evil imperialist Hillary Clinton, Hugo just cold made up a song and sang it, and here it is. [Mediaite/BBC News] Read more on Hugo Chavez Sings To Hillary Clinton…
  rumors on the internets

Fox News Smells A Stinky Oil Conspiracy

Matt Yglesias is reaping the many benefits of “blogging whilst standing” — a yoga position championed by Donald Rumsfeld. [Matt Yglesias] A squadron of Eliot Ness Zombies raided a bar in Philly and confiscated a bunch of microbrew IPAs and a keg of Miller Genuine Draft Light 64. [Hit & Run] Read more on Fox News Smells A Stinky Oil Conspiracy…
  still better than denby's

JIM DEMINT IS THE REAL MISS SOUTH CAROLINA: South Carolina Senator Jim DeMint has written a new book about Hitler/Obama and the Iran and, uh, the South American countries and like such as: “Part of what we’re trying to do in ‘Saving Freedom’ is just show that where we are, we’re about where Germany was before World War II where they became a social democracy. You still had votes but the votes were just power grabs like you see in Iran, and other places in South America, like Chavez is running down in Venezuela.” Hmm, we’ll wait for this one to come out on DVD. [Washington Independent via Washington Monthly] Read more on …
  rumors on the internets

Meet Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Guest Editor of RedState

Barack Obama and Bundesrepublik Deutschland Wurstdame Angela Merkel had an awkward relationship in the ’80s, but now they are willing to put the past behind them and cut a deal. Prediction: Merkel gets AIG and Obama gets to massage Merkel’s muscular shoulders. It is peace for our time. [HuffPost] Read more on Meet Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Guest Editor of RedState…
  yikes

Mexican Archeology Museum Director Killed by Pneumonia Entertained Obama At Same Museum

Here’s some terrifying news: While the U.S. media was focused on the very important subject of some fat wingnuts having teabagging protests in America, President Barack Obama was headed to Mexico — and on the night of April 16, he attended a fancy dinner at Mexico City’s famous Museo Nacional de Antropología, where noted archeologist and museum director Felipe Solís Olguín showed the U.S. president around, and they presumably shook hands and talked, without the protection of surgical masks. A few days later, Solís was dead of pneumonia. Read more on Mexican Archeology Museum Director Killed by Pneumonia Entertained Obama At Same Museum…
  why won't the MSM report this?

Fox Analyst Wonders, Did Obama And Chavez Do *More* Insane Gay Things Off-Camera?

There’s a lovely amount of right-wing hysteria on the Internets today regarding this weekend’s news that Barack Obama shook Hugo Chavez’s hand and talked to him for a bit at their little Mexican summit last week. This proved again that Barack Obama has no idea what kind of a person Hugo Chavez is; he has just thrown away the entirety of American power. He is Jimmy Carter with a juicebox. Well! Enjoy this Fox News clip, where Col. Ralph Peters describes “all” of the “embracing and fist-bumping and making lovey-dovey in the hotel and god-knows-what-else behind closed doors” fantasy sex. [YouTube] Read more on Fox Analyst Wonders, Did Obama And Chavez Do *More* Insane Gay Things Off-Camera?…
  meh

Whoa Hey John McCain Half-Misspeaks Whoa Hey

Libtards are giggling like rich schoolgirls on acid over this one. Along the lines of, JOHN MCCAIN DOES NOT KNOW THAT VENEZUELA ISN’T IN THE MIDDLE EAST! Can you even believe it oh my god blah blah blah. Whatever. They can enjoy getting ulcers over John McCain’s poor choice of conjunctions or adjectives such as “other.” [Ben Smith] Read more on Whoa Hey John McCain Half-Misspeaks Whoa Hey…
  homosexuals

Larry Craig Wants To Jerk Your Gas Nozzle

Here’s Idaho Senior Senator Larry Craig describing a handjob he gave Hugo Chavez gayly saying we can’t let foreign dictators “jerk us around by the gas nozzle” doing both of the things we’ve crossed out. Note the flailing hands. [TPM] Read more on Larry Craig Wants To Jerk Your Gas Nozzle…
 

Vodka Ad Reveals Illegal Immigrants’ Master Plan

Here is the Absolut vodka ad that is Controversial for appealing to Mexicans, who want to take back the western United States (officially) in their perfect world. Well boo hoo. Look at the upside: Absolut also wants to squash Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez while simultaneously bottle-fucking Puerto Rico. [LA Times] Read more on Vodka Ad Reveals Illegal Immigrants’ Master Plan…
 

Condoleezza Dream Team: McCain and Rice ’08!

Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™! Condi’s been a gal-on-the-go, a veritable Mary Tyler Moore of the diplotaunte circuit. She traipsed from Switzerland to Germany and then all the way to Colombia and back again. More importantly, using advanced Wonkette Shoe Identification Technology, we can reveal the shocking news that Madame Secretary has shifted her footwear allegiance from Ferragamo to Manolo. All this, Oliver North, and Robert Novak’s wistful dreams of a Condi vice presidency … after the jump! Read more on Condoleezza Dream Team: McCain and Rice ’08!…
 

Boys Don’t Cry, Win The Primary

Reliable Source: Miley Cyrus can’t enjoy a steak in peace… The Supreme Court Justices go out together, walk in single file… Hugo Chavez takes Naomi Campbell to the gun show. [WP] Read more on Boys Don’t Cry, Win The Primary…
 

2007: Awkwardest Condiyear EVER

Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™! Listicles, of course, are the year-end gift writers give themselves. But you know what? It’s been such a peculiar year for the Condibot that it would be totally criminal not to look back and reflect on its thrilling awkwardness. Join me on an epic journey through my personal (hey, get your own column!) favorite special moments in Dr. Ferragamo’s 2007, and my picks for AP’s Condirazzi photos of the year, after the jump… Read more on 2007: Awkwardest Condiyear EVER…
 

Hugo Chavez Spoils National Treasure

To distract from his crushing defeat in the referendum this weekend, Hugo Chavez decided to reveal the surprise ending of the upcoming film National Treasure: Book of Secrets, the trailers for which keep talking about a “secret” book that the Presidents have. Who knew it was written by Bill Clinton? [Washington Post, IMDB] Read more on Hugo Chavez Spoils National Treasure…
 

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, not content with merely changing what time it is, gives half of Canada to the US for some reason. [Free Ride]
 

“I don’t care if they call me crazy, the new time will go ahead, let them call me whatever they want,” Chavez said on his weekly TV show. “I’m not to blame. I received a recommendation and said I liked the idea.” [Reuters via Yahoo] Read more on …
 

Fidel Is Immortal

So, Castro. Dead? He’s writing columns, apparently, but hey, the Family Circus still runs too. Anyway, no one knows if he’s alive or dead or what, though we’re leaning towards “alive.” Because did you know that Fidel Castro is the Highlander? It’s true! Read more on Fidel Is Immortal…