• Huckabee and Barr will embarrass themselves publicly with some other losers, just to see who would fail more tragically as a stand-up comedian. [DCist]
• In her world-famous acceptance speech, Sarah of the North quoted some batshit Nazi who also wanted to assassinate FDR. [Ben Smith}
• Palin and McCain are pretending to have an extramarital maverick sex with each other so that racists can have their own Barack&Michelle. [Daily Kos]
• The North Korean army will destroy its enemies by arranging itself to appear as nothing more than an MC Escher drawing. [Matthew Yglesias]
• Rachel Maddow has had her MSNBC show for all of 48 hours, so it’s high time Fox News finally pulls through with a homophobic comment. [Ezra Klein]
• Barack Obama commanded a pack of rabid wolves to run north, to Alaska, so they could devour Palin. These wolves feed on the flesh of hockey moms. [HuffPost]

Mike “Former Arkansas Governor” Huckabee had his pander on lock in South Carolina today, promising swift rectal justice to those who take issue with the Palmetto State’s fondness for the Confederate flag. “In fact, if somebody came to Arkansas and told us what to do with our flag, we’d tell ‘em what to do with the pole, that’s what we’d do,” Huckles said, trying to win over a room of leather-clad GOP bondage fetishists. The Stars and Bars, of course, is a litmus test for many South Carolinians, in much the same way that many other nationally irrelevant issues are litmus tests for other retarded voters in places that aren’t South Carolina. [Associated Press]

Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™!

Last week started off exciting with an OMG SURPRISE trip to Iraq and a luv connection with Sarkozy. But then along came the Grinch who stole the week before Xmas, John Bolton! Ew! All this and Black Leather Condi Glove Turkeys after the jump!

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• Every Republican agrees with every other one, and other signs the Rapture is upon us. [New York Times]
• Some like Huck while others dislike him. [Washington Post]
• Tom Coburn likes to fuck shit up for everybody. [Wall Street Journal]
• Walnuts may be suggesting that Drudge is lacking in the integrity department. [Politico]
• The President made a decision and is happy with the decision that he made. [Washington Post]
• What’s the one thing op-ed columnists love to write about more than Barry and Hillary? Each other! [New York Times]
• Were Democrats “stymied by a steadfast President” this year, or are they just a bunch of pussies? [LAT]
• Someone’s going to have to hang around the Senate floor over break to make sure the Decider doesn’t decide something retarded. [Roll Call]

First his wife goes rambling on about grenade launchers over tea (hot girl pic!), now Huck himself has found a sense of humor. Starting today, Iowans will start getting bombarded with a 60-second TV ad featuring the actor’s endorsement of Huckabee as a “principled, authentic conservative.” Besides Huck’s supporting of second amendment rights and abolishing taxes, the ad wants you to know that Chuck Norris personally secure the border, he has fist hiding beneath his beard, and he can move the earth. After the jump, Huck and Chuck’s Excellent Adventure continues! MORE »

Thanks to a kind tipster, we spent part of yesterday perusing the anagrams of our presidential candiates, which included Hillary Rodham Clinton (Damn Chilly Iron Harlot), Rudy Giuliani (I Rig Dolphin Luau), John Edwards (D’oh! Jaws Nerd) and Joe Biden (I Need Job). Strange, right? After the jump, The Dimmer Switch sheds some light. MORE »

The New York Times has a delightful round-up of all the godawful campaign merchandise offered by all the leading presidential candidates… and Ron Paul, too! Soon all the kids will be wearing McCain hoodies, Obama baby-doll tees and Giuliani baseball jerseys. Our favorites by far are the extensive wares offered by Mike Huckabee’s shop, a dizzying array of merchandise featuring superb graphics meant to appeal to his followers’ lack of grammar skills (”a.Huck.i.be”) and love of flop existential Hollywood comedies (”I [Heart] Huckabee”). MORE »