Nate Silver and the nerdlingtons at FiveThirtyEight are liveblogging the Virginia election results (which are hidden and secret) and have called it, meaning it is officially over, by law: “7:45 EDT [Nate]: OK, the 538 decision desk is calling this one for R. Creigh Deeds. Almost half the vote is in, and although we’re a little bit light on turnout from areas like Richmond, neither Moran nor McAuliffe is doing anywhere near as well as they’d need to to make up for Deeds’ large advantage. It’s really a battle for second place at this point.” MORE, Silver, MUSH MUSH! MORE »

What a fantastic spring it’s been in DC, what with the terrible muggy spell in early May, and now there’s nothing but terrible swampy grossness ahead! Fortunately, DC’s “celebrities” can be spotted both in- and out of doors, where they engage in elite activities such as air travel, grocery shopping, lunching, and even watching sports events. After the jump: Find out which famous politician hums loudly to himself in public bathrooms.

Ever been waiting around to pick up your deli sandwich or your luggage or collect your mail or whatever, and you see some very put-together man or lady giving you the eye like they would like to take you up to Eliot Spitzer’s room at the Mayflower? It’s probably one of those terrible people you’ve seen on O’Reilly’s show talking about the sanctity of post-marital sex. Tell us about these encounters, and other more boring encounters please! Write to tips@wonkette with subject line “Wonk’d.” MORE »

Doctor Howard Dean got a new job! He will be a “regular contributor” on CNBC, the important business channel which features idiots screaming at each other all day as the stock market does whatever it does — up some days, down some days, etc. Today he did a guest-hosting deal, on some CNBC show. Maybe he’s on right now, who knows! You see, only idiots watch CNBC. It’s a place for cocaine addicts and self-hating day traders and insane old people who think they can “beat the market” and actual retarded people who grab the phone away from the nurse and yell “BOO-YAH.” In other teevee shout-y news, Chris Matthews will be on MSNBC for another four years, which means he won’t be running for the Senate or whatever. [Sam Stein/New York Times]

Now that teevee actor Sanjay Gupta has officially turned down the unwanted Commerce Department job of “surgeon general,” some people at the White House are saying, “Hey, what’s that other guy who was a doctor and had something or other to do with the Democrats? Why not him?” MORE »

• Mexican urban legend Alberto Gonzales is unable to find a job and is comically blaming the recession for this. After Barack Obama redistributes the world’s wealth to atheist hobos, a dog is expected to have eaten Gonzales’ new job. [TPMMuckraker]
• Howard Dean is doing that thing again, on the Internet, in which he gets all the “young people” to make blood pledges to keep creating Facebook groups until he is friend-requested as President of Hospitals. [Ben Smith]
• The evils of Bernie Madoff went unchecked for so long because of linguistically confused SEC-on-SEC fighting. One SECer used the following collection of similes, metaphors and analogies to “paint a picture” of said fighting: “The SEC roars like a mouse and bites like a flea,” “the relationship between the SEC’s Boston and New York offices is about as warm and cordial as the Yankees-Red Sox rivalry” and the ominously alogical “You need old foxes to come in and police the hen houses.” [Top of the Ticket]
• Sarah Palin has big plans to hunt romantic comedy lead Ashley Judd with guns from a helicopter. [CNN Political Ticker]
• Joe the Plumber has returned from journalist sleepover camp in Gaza! (Ahhh 8 weeks went by so fast you guys!) He will now work as an adviser to the GOP, a job for which it is required that other (non-children) humans go along with the conceit that Joe, the fake non-owner of a non-small plumbing business, has actual, insightful advice about a given topic. [Crooks and Liars]

• Even though the Secretary of State job is off the table, maybe John Kerry will still be able to disappoint America as Secretary of the Interior. [Marc Ambinder]
• Joe Biden is not resigning from the Senate as part of a tricky seat-saving maneuver that will secure the position for his son Beau. [MSNBC]
• Mike Huckabee wants you to send him the most untoward stand-outs from your collection of amateur home videos. [Political Ticker]
• The new Draft Sarah Committee, or “2012DSC” in idiot, is up and running. There’s a photo of your gal tending to some moose blood soup on the cookstove and seven steps for supporting the effort, one of which includes “bookmarking this website.” [Jonathan Martin/2012DSC]
• Daily Kos is doing its part to make sure every resident of every state wishes Howard Dean a happy birthday. And then as a birthday president, some of Dean’s cheapest friends sent him an old graffitied trash can, because they hate him. [Daily Kos]

• HOWARD DEAN FINISHED: It seems a highly successful four-year term as DNC chairman will be the “Dean scream” moment of Howard Dean’s life, as he will not seek a second term and will be out early next year. He will then return to Vermont where he is an abortionist. [Washington Post]

Oh what the hell, it’s starting! Here’s Howard Dean, doing what he’ll do for the next 400 hours: introducing people who will give speeches. Let’s liveblog it for a few minutes! MORE »

Press level, Pepsi Center, 2 p.m. “Mountain Time.”

• If John McCain were tortured, that would mean opening up a freezing, dark can of sexually humiliated and sleep-deprived worms. [Andrew Sullivan]
• John McCain is the President of house pets. [The Corner]
• Howard Dean stress eats M&Ms at an airport Holiday Inn. [Yeas and Nays]
• Age-inflation victim John McCain is actually middle-aged,
  which is why his chief economic adviser wants everyone to work until
  they are 142, or dead. [Democracy in America]
• Rev. Wright’s half-real new book will just be about the boring history of Obama’s Muslim Church. [Top of the Ticket]
• Obama caught a luxurious cold in the resort town of Hawaii and is trying to infect New Mexico. [Ben Smith]

EPIC FAILZ: Some DNC factotum just sent Wonkette a link to “Howard Dean’s refutation of the NYT assertions about the Democratic Convention shaping up to be a ‘disaster.’” The link didn’t work. ONE HOUR LATER: Now it works!