Tag Archives: houston

  Dying While Black

Why Do Black People Keep Killing Themselves When They Get Arrested?

Yeah, marijuana use is clearly the important part of this story.
Looks like there’s been another mysterious death of a black suspect in police custody, this time in Waller County, Texas, where 28-year-old Sandra Bland was found dead Monday after being arrested following a traffic stop last Friday. Bland was being held for allegedly kicking the Texas Highway Patrolman who pulled her over for failing to signal a lane change; Waller County Sheriff Glenn Smith said that Bland was found hanging in her cell at 9:00 a.m. Monday, about an hour after asking staff by intercom if she could make a phone call. She had last been observed by jail staff at 7:00 a.m. when she was given breakfast. An autopsy performed by the Harris County Institute of Forensic Sciences in Houston ruled her death a suicide by hanging. Bland was being held on $5000 bail, but friends said she was preparing to pay the bail Monday. Sheriff Smith certainly seemed all broken up about Bland’s death, saying in words that do not sound the least bit well-rehearsed, “Any time somebody dies, it’s a tragic deal … That’s exactly what this appeared to be.” Read more on Why Do Black People Keep Killing Themselves When They Get Arrested?…
  Giggles

Wingnut Gay-Hatin’ Texas A.G. Might Go To Jail Forever Because HAHAHAHAHA

Did baby do a bad bad thing?
Hey, remember that scummy Texas Attorney General, name of Ken Paxton, who had that huge baby tantrum over gay marriage in Texas? That was fun. Turns out he might get to avoid being throatcrammed by gay marriage after all, due to being in jail forever, for being a securities fraudster: Read more on Wingnut Gay-Hatin’ Texas A.G. Might Go To Jail Forever Because HAHAHAHAHA…
  ¡Ay caramba!

Hispanic ¡Jeb! Bush Says Donald Trump Wrong About His People Being Drug-Criming Rapists

Not a current picture of Jeb! Bush.
Jeb! Bush is mildly displeased with Donald Trump. Or rather, ¡Jeb! Bush està ligeramente disgustado over Donald Trump’s contention that Mexican immigrants are rapists and drug crimers. Nicest drug-criming rapists you’ll ever meet, though! As a completely legit Hispanic Mexican immigrant from the “Tanglewood” section of Houston Mexico City, it stands to reason that ¡Jeb! would eventually be outraged, two weeks later, in Spanish: Read more on Hispanic ¡Jeb! Bush Says Donald Trump Wrong About His People Being Drug-Criming Rapists…
  Dogs & Cats Reportedly Living Together In Open Defiance Of God

Ted Cruz’s Dad: Good Christians Must Fight Against Transgender Use Of Bathrooms, Or Else

Not that Raphael?
Ted Cruz’s wackaloon father, fundamentalist preacher Rafael Cruz, warned on Tuesday that bans on discrimination against LGBT Americans would inevitably lead to unisex locker rooms, rampant crime by sexual predators, and probably the criminalization of Christianity — the usual load of bollocks. Read more on Ted Cruz’s Dad: Good Christians Must Fight Against Transgender Use Of Bathrooms, Or Else…
  Pot And Kettle Reach Bipartisan Agreement

Jimmy Swaggart’s Pastor Son Sad That Gays Are Beheading Jesus

OMG, too late!
Remember Jimmy Swaggart, the fire and brimstone televangelist who sort of semi-disappeared in disgrace in the early ’90s after news broke of his visits to prostitutes? He gave a big teary “I have sinned” speech, the prostitute told the squicky details of how they never actually did sex — as we recall, he wanked while watching the lady of negotiable affection strip, but at least he tipped well — then the Assemblies of God defrocked him, and he was forever banished to the wasteland of obscure religious cable channels. Read more on Jimmy Swaggart’s Pastor Son Sad That Gays Are Beheading Jesus…
  Oh no. Not again

Jesus We Are Sick Of Football: Your Daily Review

Not even going to add a pony in there, goddammit.
Would someone in Washington — preferably a senator, but a high-ranking House member would be OK — PLEASE get caught doing consensual sexxytime with someone who isn’t their spouse, preferably in the middle of K Street? We have had just about as much of these goddamned NFL domestic violencing assholes as we can take, and it’s starting to make us long for the everyday political venality and dickery that we love so much. So by now you have undoubtedly heard about the latest sportsball horrorshow: Arizona Cardinals running back Jonathan Dwyer has been arrested on multiple charges in a domestic violence case (autoplay video at link). Just about the only thing “good” we can say about this latest case is that the Cardinals learned something from the three other teams that took forever to figure out that their abusive players need to be benched: Dwyer was placed on indefinite suspension after the arrest. Read more on Jesus We Are Sick Of Football: Your Daily Review…
  the hand goes up the mouth goes shut

Texas ‘Democrat’ Thinks All You Domestic Violenced Fillies Need To Count Your Blessings And Not Your Bruises

There is a Democrat running for District Attorney in Harris County, Texas, and he is kind of a dick! Not only is he kind of a dick, but we would go so far as to say he is NOT A ALLY! Lloyd Oliver, the criminal defense attorney who wants to oversee all prosecutions in Harris County, which is just a small county with, like, Houston in it, loves to opine on questions like is domestic violence even a thing, really? and shouldn’t the little ladies of Harris County be a little more grateful to the good lord above for seeing fit to send them a man? It is like “waaaah, you domestic violenced me, I am gonna call the cops” they will just not even shut up about it, and Lloyd Oliver here is just trying to drink his Schlitz and watch his sportsball in peace! Remember, ladies, count your blessings, and not your bruises! Read more on Texas ‘Democrat’ Thinks All You Domestic Violenced Fillies Need To Count Your Blessings And Not Your Bruises…
  thanks for clarifying that

Gay Lady Houston Mayor Does Not Care One Bit About Duck Dynasty Dude

Can’t really argue with the opinion of Houston Mayor Annise Parker on this one. Asked for her thoughts on the whole Phil Robertson duck-tussle, Parker, the contentedly out lesbian mayor lady said: “I have never watched ‘Duck Dynasty,’ so I don’t think about it much at all,” Parker responded. “I’ve been a gay community activist since the mid-70s. It was a very different time. We were fighting to keep people out of jails and mental hospitals. What some redneck wingnut has to say about the GLBT community is completely irrelevant.” Needless to say, the Wingnuttosphere is Not Pleased. The nine fulltime employees of Twitchy were horrified, and even played the “It’s a good thing there’s nothing else pressing happening in Houston” card, because that’s always new and fresh. (Seriously, if you ever catch Yr Doktor Zoom pulling out that particular cliché, mock him relentlessly. He reserves the right to cling to other clichés, however) Read more on Gay Lady Houston Mayor Does Not Care One Bit About Duck Dynasty Dude…
  poor little rich boy

You Won’t Believe This Rich Kid’s One Weird Successful ‘Twinkie Defense’ Oh Wait Actually You Will

Are you a sociopathic rich person who has raised your little buttercup with absolutely no moral guidance for the world around him? Have you taught him that he is a Randian ubermensch striding the world like a colossus? That others are as ants? That taxes are for little people? That he can kill four people and, like, not go to jail? Then it is a day to rejoice, as somewhere there is a judge who will take your breathtakingly terrible parenting of insisting there be no consequences for your rancid little crotchfruit and use it as a reason not to give any consequences to your rancid little crotchfruit! Man, it is so weird how things always seem to work out for the best! Read more on You Won’t Believe This Rich Kid’s One Weird Successful ‘Twinkie Defense’ Oh Wait Actually You Will…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sleaze

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, our weekly collection of cranky crap that wasn’t worth a full post, but was too incandescently stoopid to ignore altogether. First up, Bryan Fischer told all his followers on Twitter today to go read this shocking billion-word exposé of what Teh Ghey is really all about, as explained by Ronald G. Lee, a Catholic gay guy who discovered that for all the talk of gay marriage, and for that matter, of “gay culture,” the only thing really going on among gay people is constant promiscuous sex and porn. He has even discovered the perfect metaphor to explain this indisputable science fact: When he was a grad student in Austin, he went to Lobo’s, a “gay” bookstore that had “gay” fiction and poetry, “gay” memoirs, and books about the “gay rights” movement in the front of the store (happily, he mostly gives up the scare quotes after the first couple paragraphs), but the back of the store, in “a section not visible from the street” was where the real money got made, because that’s where all the porn was. And all that stuff in the front was just a façade, but a vital façade (metaphor time here!): Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sleaze…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

Today’s Gun Fun Times Roundup: Let’s Pretend Anything We Do Can Make A Difference!

Welcome again, Wonktopia, to the bloody charnel house of American gun culture. The stench of suppurating wounds and rotting, gangrenous flesh hangs in the air like gunpowder after the shootout at the O.K. Corral. Watch your step, there are corpses and severed limbs lying all over the place. Would this be an ironic moment for us to wish all of our Jewish Wonkers a sweet New Year? Probably! So instead let us begin the year 5774 by talking about the children, and about this list of statistics from the Children’s Defense Fund. At this point nothing in this entire document really surprises us exactly, but the numbers do have the power to make our eyes roll in our sockets like Sisyphus’s boulder zooming back down that hill: 351 children killed or injured by guns every week in 2010, the rate of gun deaths for children and teens nearly 30 percent higher than it was in 1963 when the states first started collecting data. California, the state where we live, lost 4,668 kids to guns in the last decade. Et cetera and so forth. Read more on Today’s Gun Fun Times Roundup: Let’s Pretend Anything We Do Can Make A Difference!…
  somebody's got a case of the mondays

At Texas Legislator’s Car Dealership, Tasings Will Continue Until Morale Improves

A Houston man with no sense of humor is suing his former employer, a car dealership co-owned by Texas State Rep. Patricia Harless, after coworkers attacked him with a stun gun in what the coworkers were certain was a series of hilarious pranks. Bradley Jones says that over a nine month period, fellow employees at Fred Fincher Motors repeatedly sneaked up on him and shocked him with the device. He said it happened at least two dozen times and each incident left him more on edge. “I was constantly looking behind my shoulder, distracted, couldn’t sleep,” Jones said. “I would even look behind my shower curtain at home.” Jones insists the tasings were not actually funny, even though videos posted to YouTube clearly show his coworkers laughing uproariously each time Jones is shocked. Read more on At Texas Legislator’s Car Dealership, Tasings Will Continue Until Morale Improves…
  We r Srs Schl District. This is Srs Science

Houston Schools Bravely Protect Students From Deliberately Fake Science Book

Ah, Texas, a place where the teaching of science is always just a state school board vote away from including the Book of Genesis, where the state’s textbook selection process sets the agenda for textbooks across the nation, and where the state GOP platform actually calls for schools to stop teaching “critical thinking skills” (risk of “undermining parental authority,” you know). So it shouldn’t be surprising to learn that the Houston Independent School District is worried that science teachers might do irreparable harm to the schools’ reputation by stooping to include (horrors!) funny comedy jokes in their classroom materials. In response to a teacher’s request to purchase Fake Science 101: A Less-Than-Factual Guide to Our Amazing World, a parody textbook spun off from Phil Edwards’ Fake Science website, HISD sent this mind-blowingly tone deaf memo: I received one such request for an alternative textbook “Fake Science 101.” I am aware how it would be used, but we are concerned it will reflect poorly on the district. A book like that may be intended humorously, but it is mocking the quality of education in our district. We cannot have our district ridiculed as a non-scientific one (see many Westinghouse/Intel awardees). This book is not permissable for you to distribute or your students to have. Our textbooks are not “fake” and no textbook should give that impression. It would negatively impact students. Read more on Houston Schools Bravely Protect Students From Deliberately Fake Science Book…