Tag Archives: houston

  With Liberty And Justice For All Who Survive

Here’s How The Second Amendment Has Prevented Tyranny Lately

Sawed-off shotguns: They're in the Constitution!
Sawed-off shotguns: They’re in the Constitution! While we know guns had nothing to do with the tragedy today that took the lives of Virginia TV station WDBJ reporter Alison Parker and cameraman Adam Ward, in addition to the suicide of the shooter, a disgruntled former employee of the station, we thought we’d mention some other recent deaths in which guns had nothing to do with anything. Because while it’s far too soon to talk about guns in relation to the Virginia murders, maybe it’s not too soon to talk about these other shootings. (We are joking you, of course. It is never the right time to talk about guns.) Read more on Here’s How The Second Amendment Has Prevented Tyranny Lately…
  Money money money

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Why Did Jesus Send Us To Collections, Mommy?

PAY UP. Welcome back, sinners. It’s time once again for the Snake Oil Bulletin! We would like to take this time to remind our readers that unless you’ve paid your monthly $7.99 readers’ fee, in addition to keeping up on your annual $150 membership fee to our 2 Smart 4 Scammers Club, and thrown in a couple extra bucks towards Donna Rose’s college fund while you’re at it, you are forbidden to read this week’s edition of the Snake Oil Bulletin. We tried to erect a paywall like some sort of real newspaper, but we can’t afford to build that paywall unless you pay us the money to keep you away from our content! Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin: Why Did Jesus Send Us To Collections, Mommy?…
  Roadside Texan Vagina Checkpoints

Nice Texas Cops Just Wanted To Reach Into Black Lady’s Vagina In Public, That’s All

Angry Lego cop is angry. Here’s another one for the annals of cops maybe-just-maybe behaving poorly in the line of duty, not that they ever do that. Charnesia Corley was on the way to get medicine for her mom, when she got pulled over for running a stop sign by police in Harris County, Texas. One of the cops claimed to smell weed in the car, so he went ahead and cuffed her and put her in the back of the squad car so they could do a vehicle search. And did they find any weed? Nope! So here’s a ticket for running that stop sign, now you get back home to your sick mama, right? NOPE AGAIN! Because then the cop said he smelled weed inside HIS car, where Corley had been sitting, which means there’s probably a bunch of weed in Corley’s vagina, so BEND OVER LADY, let’s do this RIGHT HERE: Read more on Nice Texas Cops Just Wanted To Reach Into Black Lady’s Vagina In Public, That’s All…
  Dying While Black

Why Do Black People Keep Killing Themselves When They Get Arrested?

Yeah, marijuana use is clearly the important part of this story.
Looks like there’s been another mysterious death of a black suspect in police custody, this time in Waller County, Texas, where 28-year-old Sandra Bland was found dead Monday after being arrested following a traffic stop last Friday. Bland was being held for allegedly kicking the Texas Highway Patrolman who pulled her over for failing to signal a lane change; Waller County Sheriff Glenn Smith said that Bland was found hanging in her cell at 9:00 a.m. Monday, about an hour after asking staff by intercom if she could make a phone call. She had last been observed by jail staff at 7:00 a.m. when she was given breakfast. An autopsy performed by the Harris County Institute of Forensic Sciences in Houston ruled her death a suicide by hanging. Bland was being held on $5000 bail, but friends said she was preparing to pay the bail Monday. Sheriff Smith certainly seemed all broken up about Bland’s death, saying in words that do not sound the least bit well-rehearsed, “Any time somebody dies, it’s a tragic deal … That’s exactly what this appeared to be.” Read more on Why Do Black People Keep Killing Themselves When They Get Arrested?…
  Giggles

Wingnut Gay-Hatin’ Texas A.G. Might Go To Jail Forever Because HAHAHAHAHA

Did baby do a bad bad thing?
Hey, remember that scummy Texas Attorney General, name of Ken Paxton, who had that huge baby tantrum over gay marriage in Texas? That was fun. Turns out he might get to avoid being throatcrammed by gay marriage after all, due to being in jail forever, for being a securities fraudster: Read more on Wingnut Gay-Hatin’ Texas A.G. Might Go To Jail Forever Because HAHAHAHAHA…
  ¡Ay caramba!

Hispanic ¡Jeb! Bush Says Donald Trump Wrong About His People Being Drug-Criming Rapists

Not a current picture of Jeb! Bush.
Jeb! Bush is mildly displeased with Donald Trump. Or rather, ¡Jeb! Bush està ligeramente disgustado over Donald Trump’s contention that Mexican immigrants are rapists and drug crimers. Nicest drug-criming rapists you’ll ever meet, though! As a completely legit Hispanic Mexican immigrant from the “Tanglewood” section of Houston Mexico City, it stands to reason that ¡Jeb! would eventually be outraged, two weeks later, in Spanish: Read more on Hispanic ¡Jeb! Bush Says Donald Trump Wrong About His People Being Drug-Criming Rapists…
  Dogs & Cats Reportedly Living Together In Open Defiance Of God

Ted Cruz’s Dad: Good Christians Must Fight Against Transgender Use Of Bathrooms, Or Else

Not that Raphael?
Ted Cruz’s wackaloon father, fundamentalist preacher Rafael Cruz, warned on Tuesday that bans on discrimination against LGBT Americans would inevitably lead to unisex locker rooms, rampant crime by sexual predators, and probably the criminalization of Christianity — the usual load of bollocks. Read more on Ted Cruz’s Dad: Good Christians Must Fight Against Transgender Use Of Bathrooms, Or Else…
  Pot And Kettle Reach Bipartisan Agreement

Jimmy Swaggart’s Pastor Son Sad That Gays Are Beheading Jesus

OMG, too late!
Remember Jimmy Swaggart, the fire and brimstone televangelist who sort of semi-disappeared in disgrace in the early ’90s after news broke of his visits to prostitutes? He gave a big teary “I have sinned” speech, the prostitute told the squicky details of how they never actually did sex — as we recall, he wanked while watching the lady of negotiable affection strip, but at least he tipped well — then the Assemblies of God defrocked him, and he was forever banished to the wasteland of obscure religious cable channels. Read more on Jimmy Swaggart’s Pastor Son Sad That Gays Are Beheading Jesus…
  Oh no. Not again

Jesus We Are Sick Of Football: Your Daily Review

Not even going to add a pony in there, goddammit.
Would someone in Washington — preferably a senator, but a high-ranking House member would be OK — PLEASE get caught doing consensual sexxytime with someone who isn’t their spouse, preferably in the middle of K Street? We have had just about as much of these goddamned NFL domestic violencing assholes as we can take, and it’s starting to make us long for the everyday political venality and dickery that we love so much. So by now you have undoubtedly heard about the latest sportsball horrorshow: Arizona Cardinals running back Jonathan Dwyer has been arrested on multiple charges in a domestic violence case (autoplay video at link). Just about the only thing “good” we can say about this latest case is that the Cardinals learned something from the three other teams that took forever to figure out that their abusive players need to be benched: Dwyer was placed on indefinite suspension after the arrest. Read more on Jesus We Are Sick Of Football: Your Daily Review…
  the hand goes up the mouth goes shut

Texas ‘Democrat’ Thinks All You Domestic Violenced Fillies Need To Count Your Blessings And Not Your Bruises

There is a Democrat running for District Attorney in Harris County, Texas, and he is kind of a dick! Not only is he kind of a dick, but we would go so far as to say he is NOT A ALLY! Lloyd Oliver, the criminal defense attorney who wants to oversee all prosecutions in Harris County, which is just a small county with, like, Houston in it, loves to opine on questions like is domestic violence even a thing, really? and shouldn’t the little ladies of Harris County be a little more grateful to the good lord above for seeing fit to send them a man? It is like “waaaah, you domestic violenced me, I am gonna call the cops” they will just not even shut up about it, and Lloyd Oliver here is just trying to drink his Schlitz and watch his sportsball in peace! Remember, ladies, count your blessings, and not your bruises! Read more on Texas ‘Democrat’ Thinks All You Domestic Violenced Fillies Need To Count Your Blessings And Not Your Bruises…
  thanks for clarifying that

Gay Lady Houston Mayor Does Not Care One Bit About Duck Dynasty Dude

Can’t really argue with the opinion of Houston Mayor Annise Parker on this one. Asked for her thoughts on the whole Phil Robertson duck-tussle, Parker, the contentedly out lesbian mayor lady said: “I have never watched ‘Duck Dynasty,’ so I don’t think about it much at all,” Parker responded. “I’ve been a gay community activist since the mid-70s. It was a very different time. We were fighting to keep people out of jails and mental hospitals. What some redneck wingnut has to say about the GLBT community is completely irrelevant.” Needless to say, the Wingnuttosphere is Not Pleased. The nine fulltime employees of Twitchy were horrified, and even played the “It’s a good thing there’s nothing else pressing happening in Houston” card, because that’s always new and fresh. (Seriously, if you ever catch Yr Doktor Zoom pulling out that particular cliché, mock him relentlessly. He reserves the right to cling to other clichés, however) Read more on Gay Lady Houston Mayor Does Not Care One Bit About Duck Dynasty Dude…
  poor little rich boy

You Won’t Believe This Rich Kid’s One Weird Successful ‘Twinkie Defense’ Oh Wait Actually You Will

Are you a sociopathic rich person who has raised your little buttercup with absolutely no moral guidance for the world around him? Have you taught him that he is a Randian ubermensch striding the world like a colossus? That others are as ants? That taxes are for little people? That he can kill four people and, like, not go to jail? Then it is a day to rejoice, as somewhere there is a judge who will take your breathtakingly terrible parenting of insisting there be no consequences for your rancid little crotchfruit and use it as a reason not to give any consequences to your rancid little crotchfruit! Man, it is so weird how things always seem to work out for the best! Read more on You Won’t Believe This Rich Kid’s One Weird Successful ‘Twinkie Defense’ Oh Wait Actually You Will…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sleaze

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, our weekly collection of cranky crap that wasn’t worth a full post, but was too incandescently stoopid to ignore altogether. First up, Bryan Fischer told all his followers on Twitter today to go read this shocking billion-word exposé of what Teh Ghey is really all about, as explained by Ronald G. Lee, a Catholic gay guy who discovered that for all the talk of gay marriage, and for that matter, of “gay culture,” the only thing really going on among gay people is constant promiscuous sex and porn. He has even discovered the perfect metaphor to explain this indisputable science fact: When he was a grad student in Austin, he went to Lobo’s, a “gay” bookstore that had “gay” fiction and poetry, “gay” memoirs, and books about the “gay rights” movement in the front of the store (happily, he mostly gives up the scare quotes after the first couple paragraphs), but the back of the store, in “a section not visible from the street” was where the real money got made, because that’s where all the porn was. And all that stuff in the front was just a façade, but a vital façade (metaphor time here!): Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sleaze…