Tag Archives: houston

  ¡Ay caramba!

Hispanic ¡Jeb! Bush Says Donald Trump Wrong About His People Being Drug-Criming Rapists

Not a current picture of Jeb! Bush.
Jeb! Bush is mildly displeased with Donald Trump. Or rather, ¡Jeb! Bush està ligeramente disgustado over Donald Trump’s contention that Mexican immigrants are rapists and drug crimers. Nicest drug-criming rapists you’ll ever meet, though! As a completely legit Hispanic Mexican immigrant from the “Tanglewood” section of Houston Mexico City, it stands to reason that ¡Jeb! would eventually be outraged, two weeks later, in Spanish: Read more on Hispanic ¡Jeb! Bush Says Donald Trump Wrong About His People Being Drug-Criming Rapists…
  Dogs & Cats Reportedly Living Together In Open Defiance Of God

Ted Cruz’s Dad: Good Christians Must Fight Against Transgender Use Of Bathrooms, Or Else

Not that Raphael?
Ted Cruz’s wackaloon father, fundamentalist preacher Rafael Cruz, warned on Tuesday that bans on discrimination against LGBT Americans would inevitably lead to unisex locker rooms, rampant crime by sexual predators, and probably the criminalization of Christianity — the usual load of bollocks. Read more on Ted Cruz’s Dad: Good Christians Must Fight Against Transgender Use Of Bathrooms, Or Else…
  Pot And Kettle Reach Bipartisan Agreement

Jimmy Swaggart’s Pastor Son Sad That Gays Are Beheading Jesus

OMG, too late!
Remember Jimmy Swaggart, the fire and brimstone televangelist who sort of semi-disappeared in disgrace in the early ’90s after news broke of his visits to prostitutes? He gave a big teary “I have sinned” speech, the prostitute told the squicky details of how they never actually did sex — as we recall, he wanked while watching the lady of negotiable affection strip, but at least he tipped well — then the Assemblies of God defrocked him, and he was forever banished to the wasteland of obscure religious cable channels. Read more on Jimmy Swaggart’s Pastor Son Sad That Gays Are Beheading Jesus…
  Oh no. Not again

Jesus We Are Sick Of Football: Your Daily Review

Not even going to add a pony in there, goddammit.
Would someone in Washington — preferably a senator, but a high-ranking House member would be OK — PLEASE get caught doing consensual sexxytime with someone who isn’t their spouse, preferably in the middle of K Street? We have had just about as much of these goddamned NFL domestic violencing assholes as we can take, and it’s starting to make us long for the everyday political venality and dickery that we love so much. So by now you have undoubtedly heard about the latest sportsball horrorshow: Arizona Cardinals running back Jonathan Dwyer has been arrested on multiple charges in a domestic violence case (autoplay video at link). Just about the only thing “good” we can say about this latest case is that the Cardinals learned something from the three other teams that took forever to figure out that their abusive players need to be benched: Dwyer was placed on indefinite suspension after the arrest. Read more on Jesus We Are Sick Of Football: Your Daily Review…
  the hand goes up the mouth goes shut

Texas ‘Democrat’ Thinks All You Domestic Violenced Fillies Need To Count Your Blessings And Not Your Bruises

There is a Democrat running for District Attorney in Harris County, Texas, and he is kind of a dick! Not only is he kind of a dick, but we would go so far as to say he is NOT A ALLY! Lloyd Oliver, the criminal defense attorney who wants to oversee all prosecutions in Harris County, which is just a small county with, like, Houston in it, loves to opine on questions like is domestic violence even a thing, really? and shouldn’t the little ladies of Harris County be a little more grateful to the good lord above for seeing fit to send them a man? It is like “waaaah, you domestic violenced me, I am gonna call the cops” they will just not even shut up about it, and Lloyd Oliver here is just trying to drink his Schlitz and watch his sportsball in peace! Remember, ladies, count your blessings, and not your bruises! Read more on Texas ‘Democrat’ Thinks All You Domestic Violenced Fillies Need To Count Your Blessings And Not Your Bruises…
  thanks for clarifying that

Gay Lady Houston Mayor Does Not Care One Bit About Duck Dynasty Dude

Can’t really argue with the opinion of Houston Mayor Annise Parker on this one. Asked for her thoughts on the whole Phil Robertson duck-tussle, Parker, the contentedly out lesbian mayor lady said: “I have never watched ‘Duck Dynasty,’ so I don’t think about it much at all,” Parker responded. “I’ve been a gay community activist since the mid-70s. It was a very different time. We were fighting to keep people out of jails and mental hospitals. What some redneck wingnut has to say about the GLBT community is completely irrelevant.” Needless to say, the Wingnuttosphere is Not Pleased. The nine fulltime employees of Twitchy were horrified, and even played the “It’s a good thing there’s nothing else pressing happening in Houston” card, because that’s always new and fresh. (Seriously, if you ever catch Yr Doktor Zoom pulling out that particular cliché, mock him relentlessly. He reserves the right to cling to other clichés, however) Read more on Gay Lady Houston Mayor Does Not Care One Bit About Duck Dynasty Dude…
  poor little rich boy

You Won’t Believe This Rich Kid’s One Weird Successful ‘Twinkie Defense’ Oh Wait Actually You Will

Are you a sociopathic rich person who has raised your little buttercup with absolutely no moral guidance for the world around him? Have you taught him that he is a Randian ubermensch striding the world like a colossus? That others are as ants? That taxes are for little people? That he can kill four people and, like, not go to jail? Then it is a day to rejoice, as somewhere there is a judge who will take your breathtakingly terrible parenting of insisting there be no consequences for your rancid little crotchfruit and use it as a reason not to give any consequences to your rancid little crotchfruit! Man, it is so weird how things always seem to work out for the best! Read more on You Won’t Believe This Rich Kid’s One Weird Successful ‘Twinkie Defense’ Oh Wait Actually You Will…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sleaze

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, our weekly collection of cranky crap that wasn’t worth a full post, but was too incandescently stoopid to ignore altogether. First up, Bryan Fischer told all his followers on Twitter today to go read this shocking billion-word exposé of what Teh Ghey is really all about, as explained by Ronald G. Lee, a Catholic gay guy who discovered that for all the talk of gay marriage, and for that matter, of “gay culture,” the only thing really going on among gay people is constant promiscuous sex and porn. He has even discovered the perfect metaphor to explain this indisputable science fact: When he was a grad student in Austin, he went to Lobo’s, a “gay” bookstore that had “gay” fiction and poetry, “gay” memoirs, and books about the “gay rights” movement in the front of the store (happily, he mostly gives up the scare quotes after the first couple paragraphs), but the back of the store, in “a section not visible from the street” was where the real money got made, because that’s where all the porn was. And all that stuff in the front was just a façade, but a vital façade (metaphor time here!): Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sleaze…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

Today’s Gun Fun Times Roundup: Let’s Pretend Anything We Do Can Make A Difference!

Welcome again, Wonktopia, to the bloody charnel house of American gun culture. The stench of suppurating wounds and rotting, gangrenous flesh hangs in the air like gunpowder after the shootout at the O.K. Corral. Watch your step, there are corpses and severed limbs lying all over the place. Would this be an ironic moment for us to wish all of our Jewish Wonkers a sweet New Year? Probably! So instead let us begin the year 5774 by talking about the children, and about this list of statistics from the Children’s Defense Fund. At this point nothing in this entire document really surprises us exactly, but the numbers do have the power to make our eyes roll in our sockets like Sisyphus’s boulder zooming back down that hill: 351 children killed or injured by guns every week in 2010, the rate of gun deaths for children and teens nearly 30 percent higher than it was in 1963 when the states first started collecting data. California, the state where we live, lost 4,668 kids to guns in the last decade. Et cetera and so forth. Read more on Today’s Gun Fun Times Roundup: Let’s Pretend Anything We Do Can Make A Difference!…
  somebody's got a case of the mondays

At Texas Legislator’s Car Dealership, Tasings Will Continue Until Morale Improves

A Houston man with no sense of humor is suing his former employer, a car dealership co-owned by Texas State Rep. Patricia Harless, after coworkers attacked him with a stun gun in what the coworkers were certain was a series of hilarious pranks. Bradley Jones says that over a nine month period, fellow employees at Fred Fincher Motors repeatedly sneaked up on him and shocked him with the device. He said it happened at least two dozen times and each incident left him more on edge. “I was constantly looking behind my shoulder, distracted, couldn’t sleep,” Jones said. “I would even look behind my shower curtain at home.” Jones insists the tasings were not actually funny, even though videos posted to YouTube clearly show his coworkers laughing uproariously each time Jones is shocked. Read more on At Texas Legislator’s Car Dealership, Tasings Will Continue Until Morale Improves…
  We r Srs Schl District. This is Srs Science

Houston Schools Bravely Protect Students From Deliberately Fake Science Book

Ah, Texas, a place where the teaching of science is always just a state school board vote away from including the Book of Genesis, where the state’s textbook selection process sets the agenda for textbooks across the nation, and where the state GOP platform actually calls for schools to stop teaching “critical thinking skills” (risk of “undermining parental authority,” you know). So it shouldn’t be surprising to learn that the Houston Independent School District is worried that science teachers might do irreparable harm to the schools’ reputation by stooping to include (horrors!) funny comedy jokes in their classroom materials. In response to a teacher’s request to purchase Fake Science 101: A Less-Than-Factual Guide to Our Amazing World, a parody textbook spun off from Phil Edwards’ Fake Science website, HISD sent this mind-blowingly tone deaf memo: I received one such request for an alternative textbook “Fake Science 101.” I am aware how it would be used, but we are concerned it will reflect poorly on the district. A book like that may be intended humorously, but it is mocking the quality of education in our district. We cannot have our district ridiculed as a non-scientific one (see many Westinghouse/Intel awardees). This book is not permissable for you to distribute or your students to have. Our textbooks are not “fake” and no textbook should give that impression. It would negatively impact students. Read more on Houston Schools Bravely Protect Students From Deliberately Fake Science Book…
  austerity is for little people

Hot Houston City Councilwoman In The Running For America’s Next Top Grifter

Well, hellooooo Houston City Councilwoman Helena Brown! How have you and those big brown eyes come to Your Wonkette’s attention today? Oh, you are busy asking local Houston Korean businessmen to give you money for an $11,000 flight to Korea, even though it was already paid for on the public dime? That is kind of weird! Why are you doing that? Do you have to pay off an evil meth dealer? Do you have an unfortunate stripper habit?* What is the deal, Sweet Councilwoman Brown? Read more on Hot Houston City Councilwoman In The Running For America’s Next Top Grifter…
  sure why not

Is This Schlubby Bank Robber The Ghost of Abraham Lincoln?

The FBI Houston Division is on the hunt! A bandit has cleaned out the vault at a Wells Fargo bank and escaped on horseback — some say up to Cheyenne Town, others say out Callyforney-way. Who is this rogue, bringing his most unseemly disposition to the local financiers of Houston City? Could he be… the ghost of Abraham Lincoln? Read more on Is This Schlubby Bank Robber The Ghost of Abraham Lincoln?…
  war on piñatas

Houston Piñata Ban: Why Does Houston Ban Piñatas?

Everyone loves a good piñata. You get a baseball bat and go smash, ha ha ha! And then everyone goes home with stuffed pockets of candy and razor blades. The kids love this nonsense. But lo, what has Precinct 4 of Houston done now? A “park policy adopted in Precinct 4, which stretches over a wide swath of the northwestern county, specifically forbids piñatas.” Is this strictly an “anti-littering” issue, or an anti-Mexicans issue? Because we see no scenario in which some jerks might smash piñatas and leave their mess everywhere. Read more on Houston Piñata Ban: Why Does Houston Ban Piñatas?…
  bad manners

Mean Jerk John Boehner Never Visited Injured Gabby Giffords

John Boehner probably broke down in sobs the last time he realized his spam filter was accidentally eating up all his favorite tanning salon offers from Groupon, but he sure as hell couldn’t be bothered to share a single one of his tears with Gabrielle Giffords while she recovered in Texas: Read more on Mean Jerk John Boehner Never Visited Injured Gabby Giffords…
  exciting new youtubes

Barack Obama Telephones Lesbian

Hmm… it appears, from what we would infer to be a “polite” tone here, that Barack Obama will not pursue crippling sanctions against the city of Houston for electing some lesbian as its mayor. GRRRR, THESE DEMOCRATS! [Burnt Orange Report via Ben Smith] Read more on Barack Obama Telephones Lesbian…
  historical milestones

Gay Lady Elected Mayor Of Houston, Which Is In Texas (?!?)

Have you heard? Gays are, apparently, allowed to run for political office in Texas! One such gay actually won the mayoralty of Houston this weekend. Let’s learn a little bit more about Mayor-elect Annise Parker, who offers a winning combination of fiscal management skills and lesbianism. Read more on Gay Lady Elected Mayor Of Houston, Which Is In Texas (?!?)…
  hell on wheels

Straight Talk Express On Houston Rampage

The reign of terror continues! Not content to just mow down elderly black Floridian motorists and spread propaganda for John McCain’s arch enemy, the Haunted Devil-Bus has now buried Houston in a blizzard of “campaign supplies.” [KHOU] Read more on Straight Talk Express On Houston Rampage…
  sex affairs

John Edwards Denies Having Sex Or Whatever

We’re having trouble getting into this latest iteration of the John Edwards/Rielle Hunter/Love Child story, probably because, um, who gives a shit about this loser or his bastard? For what it’s worth, however, he offered a curt denial today in Houston, where he was talking to a low-income housing aid organization: “That’s tabloid trash… They’re full of lies. I’m here to talk about helping people.” Oh ho ho, so now Mr. Altruism over here thinks that helping poor people is more important than his ubiquitous boner, hmm? [Houston Press] Read more on John Edwards Denies Having Sex Or Whatever…