Opossum-eyed Jesus geologist Joe Barton, Republican Congressman from Texas, signaled his intent last month to stop the liberal Waxman-Markey energy bill — the one with cap-and-trade, which is about hamburgers — with traditional adult methods of opposition: “I’m going to be the sneaky little guy that pops up from behind the bush and fights the guerrilla. But guerrilla warfare does succeed sometimes.” (Fortunately for him this world has professional transcribers, because he definitely was saying he wanted to fight a gorilla.) And now he is popping up from behind the bush with a reasonable plan to block the legislation by proposing 450 comical amendments — four-hundred-and-fifty — that will simply be rejected, one by one, during an exhausting process that will embarrass the United States around the world and in Heaven. HAW HAW HAW. MORE »

INFAMOUS MINNESOTA FOREST SPRITE RETURNS FROM SPACE TO CHALLENGE BACHMANN AGAIN: He’s in baby, HE’S IN IT 2 WIN IT. The greatest elf in Minnesota history, Elwyn Tinklenberg, has THROW’D his hat in the ring for Michele Bachmann’s House seat in 2010 after narrowly losing to her in last year’s stolen election. It was only close last year because Michele Bachmann said we should have Witch Trials for members of Congress. Since inauguration she has said things far worse than that literally every day, so the delightful hobbit should uhh win. (PLEASE DON’T WIN THOUGH! WE NEED COMEDY.) [MN Progressive Project]

Do you own some terrible old car? Probably not! But you might be making payments on some terrible old car. Communist Premier Nobama and his Duma-Politburo (the House and Senate) have got a great deal for you: Just trade in your gas-guzzling sticker-covered crapmobilie full of McDonald’s bags for a shiny new better-mileage-getting Automobile of the Future, and you’ll get $4,500. That is, what, equal to about a year’s worth of unemployment? MORE »

America’s joke, Congresslady and full-time lunatic Michele Bachmann, woke this morning from her barbiturate-wine cooler stupor, crawled on her hands and bloodied knees to the AM-only radio permanently tuned to the local wingnut talk station, and happened to catch the national news bulletin: An influenza pandemic! It sounded pretty serious, whatever “pandemic” meant. Michele Bachmann needed to craft a response — you know, something that would, uh, blame a swine/bird/human flu virus on, uhm, LIBERALS, right? MORE »

Jim Tedisco, Republican of New York, has apparently lost New York’s 20th congressional district special election to Scott Murphy. But, as it was pretty close, Tedisco and the Republicans contested some ballots and blah blah, the usual thing, and today — after such embarrassments as challenging the residency of Air America liberal radio host Sam Seder, who not only has his permanent residence in the district but served as a jury foreman there the week of the election — Tedisco is probably going to concede. MORE »

House Republicans now want Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano fired after her department released that memo warning of the “fertile recruiting environment for right-wing extremists” that America has become due to the loss of all national wealth, the black president, shitty immigration policy, and the general idiocy of many American citizens. While the memo was initiated during the Bush administration and followed the release of another memo in January warning about left-wing extremists, Republicans are claiming that Napolitano wants to arrest them all — the entire conservative wing of the country — for some petty partisan non-issue grounded in no factual evidence whatsoever. As Tex Rep. John Carter says above, dadgummit, FAHHR DAT WOMAN. And after the jump, a familiar Congresswoman gets her say as well… MORE »

A Hill staffer informs us that the Congressional Mail Room Security People are starting to go Code Mango on all tea bag anthrax letters, which is a tragedy, because now staffers can’t send us comical photos of the tea bags (unless they’re faxes!) And no more free treats for these poor worker bees! There’s always Nestle chocolate milk to steal, though. MORE »

This latest one, it is a Masterpiece. A House staffer sends us this image and writes, “This is what we get in the House… apparently we don’t warrant actual teabags like the Senate, just a good ol’ teabagging by fax.” Ha ha, the House will always just be the poor man’s Senate. But how remarkable is this! The “value” wordplay was quite the deft maneuver. And look at the little dog lady in her window, barking. And CONTRACTS — MONITOR CONTRACTS. Jesus!

Those of you that watch the television drama House noticed last night that famous actor Kal Penn’s character committed suicide. Oh yes, uh, SPOILER ALERT, a few words ago. Well guess what, he’s not dead in real life, yet! In fact the reason he committed suicide on the teevee is so he could go work in the Obama White House, as the character in the above clip. Get scared, Real America! WHEEE… MORE »

Well, this is uncomfortable. Here’s Walnuts having a “senior moment” as he mumbles happily (or sadly?) about how the House and Senate will surely pass Obama’s Democratic $3.6 Trillion Welfare Budget today. [YouTube/Associated Press]

Let it never be said that the Washington Post’s Lori Montgomery can’t write a killer first sentence: “After getting blasted last week for presenting a budget plan light on details, House Republicans today unveiled a more complete proposal that would cut taxes for business and the wealthy, freeze most government spending for five years, halt spending approved in the economic stimulus package and slash federal health programs for the poor and elderly.” In other words, while last week’s version only included, say, “We will kill puppies,” this week’s adds, “We will kill 47 puppies.” [Washington Post]