Anh “Joseph” Cao was the one Republican to vote for health care reform tonight. Teabaggers are cool with that, though, no problem, guy just has a heavily Democratic constituency. [Twitter search "cao"]

GOP Super-Star Rep. Mike Pence recently delivered the most comical speech of the day, for five minutes. It took him wayyyyy too long to post it on his own YouTube channel, but ta-da! He challenged the Blue Dogs to fight for freedom, and the troops, and also Ronald Reagan and liberty. No one has ever pretended to be so serious. Oh man. Gets better towards the end, too. [YouTube]

Now that the House is debating the Republican health care alternative, the sweeping “BonerCare” of ancient lore, it’s a good opportunity to share this amazing (and ominous — mostly ominous!) photograph from commenter “mollymcguire,” who actually lives in the Northern Marianas, as a sex slave who is currently getting railed by Tom DeLay or whatever in the back of this Jeep with the Truck Nutz. After BonerCare passes both the House and Senate 535-0 — as expected within the next few minutes — the streets of Saipan shall be rife with Truck Nutz.

A top secret operative sends us this video of the line of folks looking to get into Longworth, which is super lengthy. Clearly the guards are ACORN thugs trying to slow down the security process, the bastards. But hey there’s another House office building right across the street, so they will just run back and forth between the two buildings all day trying to find the shortest lines, as one would do at the supermarket check-out. [YouTube]

The American Association of Retired Persons (AARP), a vestigial structure in the American political apparatus dating back to old times when people “stopped working” at a certain age and lived off of pensions (nowadays it’s more common to work forever, after Wall Street loots your life savings from the 401(k) it pushed you into), will supposedly be endorsing the super-communist House health care bill. Your death warrant’s signed, Granny! This is great news in that it gives us an excuse to link to this comical AARP article about old people sexting each other. “‘The next thing you know, you’ll get a picture of a breast,’ he says with a hearty laugh.” [AP, AARP]

Illiterate picture book The POLITICO simply does not care for this newly merged House health care bill that came out yesterday. Its top concern is that it sets the minimum medical-loss ratio too low for consumers, and too high for insurers. Is that what it is? Oh, no, it’s that the bill is a very big block of scary paper. MORE »

C’MON PAGES, GET THE REST OF CONGRESS SICK: “Ten House pages were treated over the weekend for ‘flu-like symptoms’ in a potential outbreak of swine flu, the House Office of the Clerk announced Monday.” Those wretched rugrats, never washing their hands, coughing all over their Play-Do! Well, whichever members of Congress get sick first, we’ll know they’ve been schtupping the pages. [The Hill]

Here’s some schmuck from Kansas, Republican Rep. Todd Tiahrt to be exact, telling a bunch of Olds at a small town hall about one of the terrible things he pretends is in the House health care bill: federal salary caps for doctors! “[T]hey’re gonna set up a committee to determine what every doctor in America will make,” he says. “They will set that fee, every doctor will make the same.” And then comes the barter system, you see! All doctors should commence breeding the choicest of hogs, post haste! (Anyway, the crowd just laughs at him.) [Washington Monthly]

Following the Senate’s lead, the House of Representatives has now voted to defund the few million bucks per year it gives ACORN, which “specializes in social services, housing preservation and foreclosure mitigation,” because of an entrapment video some racists recently filmed. The vote was 345-75, too! Now conservatives will never gin up a reason to complain about ACORN again!…?? MORE »

The #1 asshole in Congress, Rep. Steve King of Iowa, says that Obama left Joe Wilson with no other choice than to shit out of his mouth last week, because who told Obama he could leave the back forty before sundown? “I don’t think there’s ever been a President comes to the House of Representatives as a guest of the members of the House and makes a declaration like he did. I mean, the President threw the first punch.” [TPM]

• SHE REALLY REALLY WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT: [We're out of absurd descriptions for her] Michele Bachmann unintentionally revealed yesterday, while yelling about Democrats, that she thinks about running for president 24/7: “They want to make sure no women, no woman becomes president before a Democrat woman and so they’re doing everything they can to, I think, sabotage women like Sarah Palin, perhaps women like myself, or similarly situated women, to make sure that we don’t have a prominent national voice.” Hey, Michele, GOD WILL DECIDE which lady gets to be lady-president first, so stop bothering him and be patient okay? [TPM]