Tag Archives: house republicans

  Bombs away!

House Republicans Find Billions Of Dollars Under Couch Cushions, Will Spend It On War

You know how we do not have any money? And we are drowning in debt? And we should abolish the IRS and the Department of Education and repeal all healthcare and privatize Social Security and “fix Medicaid” by killing it dead so we can drown the U.S. government in a bathtub? And Arizona Sen. Jeff Flake is real concerned that we spend a whopping $135k a year to quarantine cocoa plants so they do not die from disease and infestation and we do not run out of chocolate, and that’s a horrible waste of taxpayer dollars, and that’s why we’re so broke? Read more on House Republicans Find Billions Of Dollars Under Couch Cushions, Will Spend It On War…
  GOP outreach strikes again!

House GOP Figures It’s Safe To Ban Abortion Now That Everyone’s Stopped Paying Attention

You're cool with this now, right?
As further evidence that the GOP really “gets” chicks, House Republicans murdered the Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act to ban abortions after 20 weeks back in January, which they’d hoped to pass on the anniversary of Roe v. Wade, to be dicks. But five months is enough time to get over that, right? So they’re planning to bring it up for a vote again next week: Read more on House GOP Figures It’s Safe To Ban Abortion Now That Everyone’s Stopped Paying Attention…
  Just needs a little fixin'

Republican Congress Does Not Care For All These Anchor Babies, Picks HOLY F*CK RACIST To Testify

Go home!
Always searching for the next great idea to keep America the pristine for-white-Christian-straight-dudes-only nation Jesus intended, Republicans in the House and Senate are pushing for a law to tweak the 14th Amendment just a tad: Read more on Republican Congress Does Not Care For All These Anchor Babies, Picks HOLY F*CK RACIST To Testify…
  Hmmmm is something ELSE happening in 2016?

GOP Will Release Benghazi Report In 2016 To Help Hillary Clinton, Obviously

Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-Benghazi!!111!) went on the Fox News Greta Van Susteren program and dropped a surprising bombshell about the House’s top secret investigation into Benghazi:  The report probably won’t be released until 2016, right smack in the middle of the election. Huh! Gowdy says it’s silly to suggest the GOP-controlled committee is doing this to try to hurt Hillary Clinton, because “[t]hat assumes the report would be critical of [Clinton] and I don’t make that assumption because we’re still in the process of gathering facts.” See? It’s just normal stuff, Republicans investigating Benghazi for the 80 gazillionth time, and they don’t even know what they’re going to find! Probably the same big nothing all the other investigations found, but pay that no mind. Gowdy continued: Read more on GOP Will Release Benghazi Report In 2016 To Help Hillary Clinton, Obviously…
  What -- no lube?

Republican House Passes Budget Bill To Screw America Because Screw You, America!

He really loves us
It was just a week ago that House Republicans introduced their latest scheme to screw America, which they charmingly call the Balanced Budget for a Stronger America. It would not actually balance the budget (unless you do some fancy magic “math” to it, which does not work in the real world, sorry) nor does it make America stronger, but come ON, it’s got a nice-sounding name, isn’t that enough? Read more on Republican House Passes Budget Bill To Screw America Because Screw You, America!…
  You just have to love America enough for it to work

House Republicans’ New Budget Holds Every Terrific Idea The Teabaggers Have Had … And More!

You just have to love America enough for it to work
Oh neat, it’s that time again when Republicans introduce their plan to make America flush with cash and liberty by drowning government in a bathtub and letting olds figure out their own damn health care and generally requesting that we all grab our ankles and hold on tight. Again? Yes, again. So what kinds of nifty fix-everything ideas did the GOP come up with this time, using an abacus and some of Rep. Paul Ryan’s left over magic fairy dust from his days as budget chairman, when he tried and failed to save America? Oh, the usual: Read more on House Republicans’ New Budget Holds Every Terrific Idea The Teabaggers Have Had … And More!…
  but really this is terrible food

Republicans Are So In Love With Chick-Fil-A Maybe They Should Gay Marry It

The Almighty’s favorite chicken sammich
National Journal, Ron Fournier’s Church of Both Sides Do It, is out with some Very Serious Journalism™: It turns out that, after Chick-fil-A was outed as a shitty fast-food company run by gay-hating Christianists oppressed by the Gay Mafia and the Feminazis, congressional Republicans decided they really, really loved them some fried chicken sandwiches, like, all the time, for the Lord. Read more on Republicans Are So In Love With Chick-Fil-A Maybe They Should Gay Marry It…
  Here have some news n stuff

Is It Time For Class War? (Hint: Yes)

But watch out for the gout
Still on the fence about whether it’s time for all-out up-against-the-wall eat-the-rich class war revolution? No you’re not: In 2014, Wall Street’s bonus pool was roughly double the combined earnings of all Americans working full-time jobs at minimum wage. […] Read more on Is It Time For Class War? (Hint: Yes)…
  Here have some news n stuff

House GOP Finally Looking Into How Hillary Clinton Did Benghazi, With Her Email

Still won't find anything, but knock yourselves out
At last! Republicans now have the smoking gun that proves Hillary Clinton did Benghazi!!! Except for how they don’t and never will, but darn it, they are going to try to find it. Again. Now that they finally have a reason to investigate her. For the first time ever: Read more on House GOP Finally Looking Into How Hillary Clinton Did Benghazi, With Her Email…
  she's still got it

Michele Bachmann Tattles On Illegal-Lovin’ GOP To Her Friend, An Invisible Lion

She tried to warn us
Have you been missing former Rep. Michele Bachmann since she retired to be president of the United States of Cheap Gas? Us too! And it seems she might be regretting her retirement, because hoo boy, those morons in the House are absolutely lost without her. In an EXCLUSIVE! interview with WND, Bachmann predicted that the 2016 presidential election has already been lost, thanks to those know-nothing turncoat Republicans who sold out their party and America. No, no, she’s not talking about the traitorous love letter to Iran. Don’t be silly! Read more on Michele Bachmann Tattles On Illegal-Lovin’ GOP To Her Friend, An Invisible Lion…
 

House Republicans Desperately Seeking A Lady, Any Lady, To Make Them Not Look So Bad

Aw, are Republicans have another lady problem? It’s been 24 hours, so yeah, that sounds about right: When House Administration Committee Chairwoman Candice Miller retires and hands over her gavel next year, GOP leaders will be facing a familiar quandary: finding another female lawmaker to lead a committee. Read more on House Republicans Desperately Seeking A Lady, Any Lady, To Make Them Not Look So Bad…
  We Have Always Been At War With Climate Science

House GOP Posts SOTU Video With Climate Stuff Magically Erased

The transcript also appears to have been altered
Here’s a fun little bit of political ratfucking (not really, it’s totally an accident!): When the House Republican website posted a version of Tuesday’s State of the Union address, with Republican talking points popping up to reply to each point President Obama made, the posted version of the speech left out at least two significant portions of the speech, deleting almost everything about global warming: Read more on House GOP Posts SOTU Video With Climate Stuff Magically Erased…
  priorities

GOP House Fixes All Nation’s Problems On First Day Back, By Banning Abortion Again

Do you remember your favorite Nazi research proponent and Congressperson Trent Franks (R-AZ)? Last Congress, he sponsored H.R. 1797, The Pain Capable Unborn Child Protection Act, which yr Wonkette described at the time as “a calamitous clusterfuck of epic proportions from start to finish.” The bill would have banned all abortions after the 20th week of pregnancy, and while it did include a rape exception, that would only have been triggered if the woman reported the rape to police. And as everyone knows, that is always easy and convenient and safe for all women, hooray! After a floor debate that included insight into the masturbation habits of fetuses, the House passed the bill last June by a vote of 228-196, and then the Senate rolled around on the floor laughing and refused to touch it with a 10-foot pole. Remember when Democrats used to control the Senate, until a few weeks ago? Those were good times. Read more on GOP House Fixes All Nation’s Problems On First Day Back, By Banning Abortion Again…
  In With The New

Meet Your New Michele Bachmann, Same As Your Old Michele Bachmann

Image via KARE video While Yr Wonkette joins the rest of the nation in mourning the loss of Rep. Michele Bachmann’s unique brand of political wisdom, we look forward to the arrival of her Republican successor in the House of Representatives, former talk radio host and failed gubernatorial candidate Tom Emmer. Read more on Meet Your New Michele Bachmann, Same As Your Old Michele Bachmann…
  #ReadyForLouie

New House Speaker Louie Gohmert Will Fix America, Depose Dumb Drunk RINO John Boehner

Image via Daily Show video Texas congressman and casual House-floor snacker Louie Gohmert delivered blessed news to the nation on the first Sunday of the new year: he will finally rise to be the savior America needs by defeating John Boehner to become the new Speaker of the House. Read more on New House Speaker Louie Gohmert Will Fix America, Depose Dumb Drunk RINO John Boehner…
  Leaving Fast. Possibly Furious.

Eric Holder Peaces Out

Eric Holder has had enough of your shit, Congress. Like most of America, he is probably tired of grandstanding and bullshit partisan nonsense, so he is taking his indictments and going home. Read more on Eric Holder Peaces Out…
  This will hurt us more than it will hurt you

Rep. Ted Yoho Awful Sad Obama Keeps Impeaching Himself

He's crying on the inside
Because it has been at least 24 whole hours since some Republican doofus insisted that Republicans do NOT want to talk about impeaching the president, no seriously, they do NOT want to talk about it, sheesh, stop making them talk about it all the time, no one ever said the “I-word,” and really, it is Obama who wants to talk about it all the time, like he wants to be impeached or something, here’s our hero Ted Yoho, a large-animal veterinarian turned Florida congressman, to not talk about that some more: Read more on Rep. Ted Yoho Awful Sad Obama Keeps Impeaching Himself…
  He Works Hardly For The Money

Congressman So Sad He Is Not Getting A Raise, Is Not So Sad About Your Stupid Minimum Wage

Please help this man
Looks like poor Lee Terry (R-Nebbish Rascal) is in dire straits again. Terry, you may recall, was one of several House members who explained that they really really needed their salaries during last fall’s government shutdown, because they work darn hard for their money, and unlike other people, not getting paid was uncomfortable. Back in October, Terry explained he wasn’t going to stop collecting a salary during the shutdown, because Read more on Congressman So Sad He Is Not Getting A Raise, Is Not So Sad About Your Stupid Minimum Wage…
  Bondage and Dummy Nation

Michele Bachmann Has Sick Bondage Fantasies About Obama

The safeword is
The House passed both of its super-tough immigration bills last night, so they can now go home to their constituents and brag about how they stuck it to those scary diseased border-crossing children. And along the way, Michele Bachmann was so excited about the prospect that she dabbled in a bit of rhetorical excess. Yes, we know you are astonished. Read more on Michele Bachmann Has Sick Bondage Fantasies About Obama…
  Barry Get Angry

Barry Bamz Just About Ready To Impeach Congress

Yes, it's fake. Or wishful thinking.
President Obama held a surprise press conference today, announcing good economic news, but noting that the economy could be in much better shape if congressional Republicans would maybe consider working with him now and again on economic issues. America is in better shape than it was when he took office, he said, and we could be doing better, but NOOOOOOOOOOO, the Republicans are too busy fighting measures like infrastructure repair, a higher minimum wage, and fair pay, and so he will keep using executive actions as needed to move forward where possible. Read more on Barry Bamz Just About Ready To Impeach Congress…