We all know that an overwhelming majority of Americans now proudly call themselves socialists, so it should come as no surprise that one might find a few of these newly popular socialists in the House of Representatives. According to Representative Spencer Bachus of Alabama, 17 faithful socialists already serve in the House! He didn’t name names, but we can assume one’s rhymes with “Fancy Schmelosi.” [The Birmingham News]

This poor stimulus bill has been kicked around and blown up a million times, completely dismembered, bathed in acid — basically Robocop, except boring, and with money. So what secret provisions did House and Senate negotiators slip into the bill into order to win the eternal fealty of the lobster queen Susan Collins and the other handful of senators who hold the entire fate of the free world in their parsimonious little fists? MORE »

• NAME YOUR FAVORITE PORTION OF THE HOUSE STIMULUS BILL GUTTED IN THE SENATE VERSION: It’s easy with this handy graph from ProPublica, helpfully coded in Christmasy red and green! Our favorite part: the 21 billion dollars of “school construction and technology” projects that vanished between the House and the Senate votes. Senators know that, in our exciting new American future, kids won’t have to go to schools; they’ll all be beggars and chimbley sweeps. [ProPublica]

Barack Obama is very young, but he will be working with a Congress full of codgers who say, “Ennnh?” and urge him to speak louder into their ear trumpets. The average age of a senator is 63, while the average House member is 57. That, in layman’s terms, is “super old.” It should be noted that Robert Byrd continues to exert a heavy drag on the average age of Senators. (Byrd recently celebrated his 113th birthday.) [USA Today]

We were really pulling for Dick Gephardt, but it is looking more and more like Barry’s Number Two will be Texas Congressman Chet Edwards. (Unless it’s Tim Kaine, or some other person! But not Hillary.) This will prompt innumerable conversations about Obama’s surprisingly poor political judgment in picking that Two Americas guy with dirt mansion and the baby mama and the cancer wife. [AP]

A supersecret source sends us this important update on the sad abandoned Republican street urchin/chimbley sweep cabal that got stuck fighting for lower gas prices while the decadent world around them yawned and left for vacation. These oppressed legislators issued a special request via the emails! MORE »

Wonkette operative The Intern has some shocking news about what’s been going on in the House of Representatives ever since Nancy Pelosi turned off the lights and made everybody go on vacation. It is basically the Thunderdome all over again, only with Republican ninjas. MORE »

Short of cleaning restrooms at the Minneapolis airport when Larry Craig’s in town, there is probably no job in America more thankless than running against Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi for her Congressional seat. One brave woman has stepped up to the challenge and is raising a fair amount of money in her quest to become the Republican congresswoman from San Francisco, where a “Republican” is defined as “anyone who doesn’t bring a nipple-pierced gimp to formal events.” MORE »

When the Republicans lose virtually every election they run in this November, they will take about two minutes to do some “somber soul-searching” before they elect a whole new generation of corrupt swine to replace the shameful failed old guard. But wait for the shocking twist: the new Republican leadership will have a least a few members who aren’t ancient or gay. Meet your new Republican overlords, after the jump! MORE »

Roger Clemens has been “invited” to testify under oath before the House Oversight Committee on January 16th (alongside Andy Pettite and Chuck Knoblauch) about his supposed steroid use. While an invite is not yet a subpoena, it’s somewhat unusual to forcibly swear in invited witnesses, as the Republicans taught America when they invited oil company execs to testify about “non-existent” price-fixing. Wait, fuck steroids! Aren’t the Dems in control now? What happened to that issue? I guess they can get more TV cameras by holding hearings about steroids in baseball, so who gives a shit about collusion. Such a big word, collusion. [Boston Globe, House Oversight Committee, AFP via Breitbart]

Finally, years of constantly checking the Georgia House of Representatives’ records have produced a veritable find! OK, so it’s from 1999, but we’ll bite anyway. Enter HR 1187: “A RESOLUTION inviting the South Forsyth High School Cheerleaders and their coaches to appear before the House of Representatives; and for other purposes.” … Go on? MORE »