Tag Archives: house

  Deja us right in the vu

Republicans To Shut Down Government Again Because Screw You, America!

Future Republican Member of Congress
It has been almost five whole months since the grown-up Republicans in Congress threatened to SHUT IT DOWN faster than you can say “legitimate rape.” So now seems like a pretty good time to do that again, huh? It was so all kinds of fun last time, when we damn near defunded the Department of Homeland Security because — what was the reason again? Something something Obama shart-breath sadface? Yeah, that. Read more on Republicans To Shut Down Government Again Because Screw You, America!…
  Yeah we already got the memo

Senate Republicans Pass Meaningless ‘Budget’ Just To Prove They’re Dicks

Suck it, America
In another display of bold, big boy leadership, Senate Republicans just barely passed a budget resolution on Tuesday, which serves no purpose whatsoever other than putting on the record, again, that they are the party of terrible people who want to do terrible things to America. As if we didn’t already know. Read more on Senate Republicans Pass Meaningless ‘Budget’ Just To Prove They’re Dicks…
  RIP Obamacare maybe?

Supreme Court Gets Another Chance To Impeach Obamacare

Maybe SCOTUS will pull the plug on grandma after all
Did you think Obamacare was settled law just because it is the law, and settled, and the Supreme Court agreed that yes, it is the law, and settled? Ha, idiots! As Republicans have been telling us since before President Obama even signed the Affordable Care Act, they will vote to repeal it as many times at it takes — so far, more than 50 — until it is gone forever. And after Tuesday’s election, Sen. Mitch McConnell and House Speaker John Boehner said AGAIN that they are going to fix all the things the president has done to destroy America by repealing Obamacare, for real this time, which will create jobs somehow, not sure how that works, Republican magic, probably. Read more on Supreme Court Gets Another Chance To Impeach Obamacare…
  Nice time: Gettin' hiiiiiiiigh edition

House Votes For Sane Marijuana Thing, And We’re Still Mad Anyway

So the House did an amazingly rational thing — yes, we are all quite shocked, quite — and voted to prohibit “the DEA from spending funds to arrest state-licensed medical marijuana patients.” Hooray! We can smoke ’em if we got ’em for medical reasons! The bill passed with bipartisan support, 219-189. Finally, Democrats and Republicans can agree on something. As Rep. Dana Rohrabacher so perfectly stated, it “should be a no-brainer,” especially for states’ rights loving conservatives. Which is why he so eloquently and compassionately freedomsplained: “Some people are suffering and if a doctor feels that he needs to prescribe something to alleviate that suffering it is immoral for this government to get in the way,” Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R-Calif.) said. “And that’s what’s happening. The state governments have recognized that a doctor has a right to treat his patient in any way he sees fit and so did our founding fathers. I ask for support for my amendment.” Good point, sir. Quite noble to acknowledge that a doctor should be able to treat “his” (not her, of course) patient, just like Thomas Jesus Jefferson wanted and that to interfere with that most holy of private relationships is in fact immoral. Rohrabacher also debunked the junk science mentioned by some of his Republican colleagues who are proud graduates of the Acme School of Medicine for Wingnuts that marijuana has no medical benefits. “Over half the states have already gone through every argument that was presented and decided against what you just heard,” Rohrabacher argued. “There are doctors in every one of those states that participated in a long debate over this and found exactly the opposite of what we’ve heard today.” How could you argue with doctors? And science? And after all, as conservatives who believe in states’ rights, who is the federal government to tell those states what to do? Especially when it is a private matter between doctors and patients about how to best address their needs. Who indeed. Read more on House Votes For Sane Marijuana Thing, And We’re Still Mad Anyway…
  nice time!

Sandra Fluke To Slut Up Your Congress. Be Careful Out There, Congressmen.

Hey ladies. How you doing? With your uncontrolled libidos, we bet you are slutting it up all over the place, so thank the Spirit in the Sky that you can get free government slut pills so you can be as slutty as you wanna be! But maybe you whoring whoremonsters need some representation at the highest level of government, to make sure that your silly little “rights” are protected from Neanderthals who view modern women as ‘sluts’ and ‘prostitutes.’ Where, oh where, will we find a heroine who will be able to articulate the need for women’s equal access to healthcare, perhaps one who has already faced about as much criticism from the batshit crazy right as would be possible? Well, wonkeroos, open your legs wallets for Sandra Fluke, who has officially filed to run for Congress in California!  Read more on Sandra Fluke To Slut Up Your Congress. Be Careful Out There, Congressmen….
  Impeach! Uh we mean I-word!

House GOP Committee Holds Quiet Little Casual Meeting About (Stage Whisper) Impeaching Obama

Tuesday was another great day for casually talking about how the heck to impeach the president for something something presidenting while black something. But then, isn’t every day? Of course! But Tuesday was extra special, as a who’s who of congressional derp held a hearing cleverly titled “The President’s Constitutional Duty to Faithfully Execute the Laws.” That’s congressional fancy talk for impeachment. They didn’t use that word, of course. Republican leaders frown on such labeling because it makes the House majority look, well, crazy. It is, Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa) said from the dais, “the word that we don’t like to say in this committee, and I’m not about to utter here in this particular hearing.” Well, sure. It would be déclassé and uncouth and simply not done, dahhhhling, to say impeachment that word at a hearing to talk about impeachment that word, especially when nearly half the Republicans on the committee, plus several of their non-committee pals in the House and the Senate, have openly suggested that wording the president for IRSgate. Or Benghazigate. Or comingforourgunsgate. Or beingblackgate. Like Rep. Trey Radel (R-Rehab), who wanted to that word the president for, um, gun stuff. And Rep. Steve Stockman — whom Dana Milbank describes as “exotic,” which makes us want to drink lots of bleach — has been passing impeachment notes in class for attacking his gun freedoms. Read more on House GOP Committee Holds Quiet Little Casual Meeting About (Stage Whisper) Impeaching Obama…
  Who Would Jesus Refuse To Hire?

Senate Wants To Exempt Churches From ENDA To Protect Their Right To Hate Gays For Jesus

Aw, this is so sweet and Jesus-y: The Senate on Wednesday adopted an amendment to the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA) from Sen. Rob Portman (R-Ohio) that would prevent retaliation against religious organizations. Portman’s amendment — which would prevent retaliation against religious organizations that don’t hire someone because of sexual orientation or identity — passed by voice-vote. Now, you might ask yourself why religious institutions that are supposedly dedicated to spreading the good word about loving the poors and the sluts and how the 1 percent is gonna have a hell of a time getting into Heaven would need a special dispensation from the Senate to keep on keeping on with that whole “Ewww, The Gays” thing. Especially since New Pope recently said hating chicks and gays should maybe not be a top priority. But what does he know? That’s just, like, his opinion, man, and as we’ve all learned from the bishops’ tireless crusade to protect religious liberty by denying health care to women, there’s really no better way to protect our freedoms than by fighting to deny other people their freedoms. Read more on Senate Wants To Exempt Churches From ENDA To Protect Their Right To Hate Gays For Jesus…
  gop hispanico outreach-o no es bwayno

House GOP Blames Obama, Lack Of Desire To Do Hard Work In Refusal To Take Up Immigration Reform

Buenos dias, Wonketeers. After weeks of pointless grandstanding by modern-day Dr. Suess El Senor Canadiano Ted Cruz, aren’t we all ready for Congress to, you know, do something positive rather than just tank fourth quarter economic output? Hey, how about that comprehensive immigration reform that the Senate was all positive about. Could be a good idea, what with midterm elections and the grand GOP plan to do more outreach to people who are not white male bible-humpers. Perhaps Tea Party hero and perpetually unquenched Senator Marco Rubio can take a leadership role? Other prominent immigration supporters like Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) have also backed off any deal, saying the Obama administration has “undermined” negotiations by not defunding his signature health care law. Sorry, Messicans and other browns with harder-to-mock country of origins, looks like that damn Kenyan socialist screwed it all up for you by absolutely refusing to defund his signature legislative achievement.  Read more on House GOP Blames Obama, Lack Of Desire To Do Hard Work In Refusal To Take Up Immigration Reform…
  our long national nightmare is just beginning

Texans Spend Eight Minutes In Heaven With Ted Cruz; Rest Of Nation Barely Resists Urge To Vomit

Eight minutes can be a really long time. It’s about the amount of time it takes light from the sun to travel to the earth. Or in more earthly terms, it’s twice as long as Gary’s never-gonna-happen fantasy about Piper Perabo. But if you are an addled, half-brained drooling Tea-jadist, then it is just the right amount of time to give a standing ovation to Texi-Canadian ass-monkey Ted Cruz: Republican Sen. Ted Cruz received an eight-minute standing ovation upon his return to Texas this past weekend, despite an extended, hostile campaign from Democrats and the mainstream media to portray him as a dangerous extremist. Thanks, Daily Caller, for noting that the hostile campaign to portray Ted Cruz as a dangerous extremist is a ludicrous notion from the MSM and crazy libruls. Because causing billions of dollars to the economy FOR NOTHING is totally cool and not dangerous or extreme at all, no siree.  Read more on Texans Spend Eight Minutes In Heaven With Ted Cruz; Rest Of Nation Barely Resists Urge To Vomit…
  You know who else denied taxpayer funding for laundry service?

Poor Idiot Democrat Has To Wash His Own Towels At His Taxpayer-Funded Gym Boo Hoo

Man, you have no idea how hard it is to be a member of Congress these days. Like Rep. Phil Gingrey (R-Acme Medical Skool) said, these poor guys are stuck making a mere $172,000 a year. He’s hardly the only member of Congress to complain about his piddly-but-still-almost-four-times-more-than-the-median-American-income salary. In 2011, Rep. Sean Duffy (R-Real World) cry-babied about his salary and how he has to drive a used minivan, poor dear. And now with the government shutdown, things have gotten so bad that House members have been forced to launder their own gym towels at their members-only taxpayer funded gym. Oh the horror! On Wednesday, Iowa Rep. Bruce Braley (D-For Shame) took to the airwaves to lament the third-world conditions at his gym. You know, that gym Speaker John Boehner has declared essential (unlike the gym for his staff, which is not essential and has been closed because during the government shutdown, we all have to make sacrifices — unless we are members of Congress). Read more on Poor Idiot Democrat Has To Wash His Own Towels At His Taxpayer-Funded Gym Boo Hoo…
  if at first you don't succeed fail fail again

Running Out Of Original Bad Ideas, Congress ‘Goes Green,’ Recycles Failed Ideas From 2011

Let’s see here. We have a divided Congress, an approaching debt ceiling, and bitter partisanship. Congress suggests putting together a bi-cameral committee to work out a solution to deal with federal spending and the debt limit. Maybe, perhaps, this could work. Tell us more, The Hill: The House will vote as soon as Tuesday on forming a special committee of House and Senate members to work out a deal on reopening the government and raising the nation’s $16.7 trillion debt ceiling, multiple GOP sources told The Hill. This is a brilliant, novel idea, one that has never been tested before, ever. Surely this large, empowered committee, full of super powers, is just what this country needs. Now we just need a catchy, media-friendly name. Any suggestions, Glorious Readers?  Read more on Running Out Of Original Bad Ideas, Congress ‘Goes Green,’ Recycles Failed Ideas From 2011…
  you ain't seen nothin yet

Debt Ceiling Dangles Like Giant Turd Over Global Economy

So, kids, are we having fun with the government shutdown yet? From dieting kids, to cancer kids, to forced family vacations, isn’t Congress just the best?!? American exceptionalism at its finest! However, the fun is just beginning. Because while a government shutdown only causes headaches and pain for U.S. Americans, Congress is determined to share such misery with the rest of the world with another self-made crisis: the debt ceiling! Because sharing is caring! What’s this debt ceiling, you ask. Well, it is the statutory limit of borrowing for the Treasury Department, kind of like a credit card limit, but a super-platinum one where you get to set your own limit. If we can set our own limit, how can there possibly be a problem? Silly Wonkeroos, we have but one answer for you: House GOP. Let’s wonksplore, shall we?  Read more on Debt Ceiling Dangles Like Giant Turd Over Global Economy…
  wonksplainer

Fun & Games, Congress-Style: Government Shutdown Edition

Unless you have spent the last week in a hospital because of overdosing on boner pills, you realize that folks in Congress are working harder than usual to ensure the destruction of the American, and possibly global, economy. Our least-favorite Texi-Canadian ass monkey, Ted Cruz, has been argle-bargling something something Obamacare, filibuster, and shutting down the gubmint, because the GOP is partying like it’s 1995, and all this makes our head hurt and our hand instinctively reach for mommyblogger’s little helper (whiskey). Well, if you are wondering what the hell is going on, have no fear (beyond the fear of imminent economic apocalypse), for we are here to wonksplain all that is going on.  Read more on Fun & Games, Congress-Style: Government Shutdown Edition…
  i have been to the mountaintop and it is out of network

Civil Rights Legend Ted Yoho Vows To Honor MLK And Rosa Parks By Killing Obamacare

Rep. Ted Yoho (R-Duh) is turning out to be the great civil rights leader of our generation. He is stalwart in his freedom-fighting against the reverse racism of Obamacare, argle bargling truth to power, standing up for the rights of the Taxed Enough AlreadyTM melatonin-deficient. And do you know why? No, it is not because he is a typical Republican who hates that Kenyan-born usurper-in-chief O’Lame-o. (Well, okay, that is why, actually, but he can’t just say that, that would sound crazy!) Read more on Civil Rights Legend Ted Yoho Vows To Honor MLK And Rosa Parks By Killing Obamacare…