hostages

KILL IT WITH FIRE  5:51 pm April 10, 2013

Taking Firefighters Hostage, So Hot Right Now (Updated)

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

[Updated at 8:05 PM] We are getting very little news out of Suwanee, Georgia, where five firefighters who responded to a medical call are reportedly being held hostage by a gunman. Amazingly, it seems to have been at least three months since the last time this happened.

STOCKHOLM SYNDROME  11:03 am August 1, 2012

Dick Morris: Barack Obama Is Holding Hillary Clinton Hostage, Because He Is A Terrorist

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Why does the Obama administration insist on holding Hillary Clinton “hostage” by making her a kickass Secretary of State who’s awesome at her job and more popular than she’s ever been in her life? Dick Morris would like to know! Or rather, Dick Morris would not like to know, he would just like to assert [...]

WONDROUS AMERICAN WATERWAYS  9:50 am December 13, 2010

Crying John Boehner Wants You To Stop Saying He Tans

by Jack Stuef

America’s single greatest achievement, John Boehner, was interviewed on last night’s 60 Minutes, and, thanks to his stage mom standing off camera, yelling at him to cry on cue, he didn’t disappoint. “I’ve never been in a tanning salon in my life, I’ve never used a tanning product in my life,” he said, his tears [...]

BLUR THE BACKGROUND SO THE POLICE CAN'T TELL WHERE WE ARE  4:42 pm October 4, 2010

Ben Quayle Points Gun At ‘Wife,’ Forces Her To Talk Into Camera

by Jack Stuef

Jesus, why does Ben Quayle have to be so creepy in every ad he makes? What is even going on here? Oh, we see, he’s stuck a gun into this woman’s back and told her to read the cue card. That’s why her face organs are projecting pure, doe-eyed fear at the voters of Arizona. [...]

TERRORISM: SHARKS VS. JETS  6:03 pm September 1, 2010

Which Political Side Attacked Discovery Channel?

by Jack Stuef

BREAKING NEWS: That crazy guy who was maybe strapped with a bomb and took hostages in the Discovery Channel headquarters in Silver Spring was shot (UPDATE: and killed) and all the hostages are safe. Hooray! His name is James Lee, and he protested there a lot, and one time he threw thousands of dollars in [...]

HE IS NO LORD NELSON I WILL TELL YOU THAT  12:01 pm April 10, 2009

Why Hasn’t Obama Solved Piracy?

by Sara K. Smith

This American president, he has fleets of destroyers and an army of fearsome AT-AT walkers at his disposal and still he cannot contend with a very organized band of Africans trolling the waters off the Somalian coast. What gives, Obama? Why do you love pirates so much?

HILLARY CLINTON  4:21 pm November 30, 2007

Who Is This Crazy Hillary Hostage Taker Man?

by Jim Newell

CAMPAIGNS  8:59 pm April 11, 2007

Rumors On The Internets: Underboss of This Holocaust

by Ken Layne

LESBIANS  4:06 pm April 4, 2007

13 Slick Dudes, 1 Midget Lesbian & 1 Babushka

by Ken Layne


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