By the Comics Curmudgeon
Hey, kids, remember your civics class, where you learned that there are other parts of the government that aren’t currently controlled by Muslims? There’s the so-called “Supreme Court,” which everyone ignores most of the time right up until they legalize gayness; but then there’s this other thing, whaddya call it, Congress, and there’s like dozens and dozens of those jackholes, so even though they aren’t “worse” than President Antichrist on an individual level, there are more of them, so it kind of balances out! Anyway, one half of Congress just passed some crazy-ass law last week. How did they manage to do this? Simple: DEVIL MAGIC. MORE »

SOUTHERN GOTHIC: “Rielle Hunter childhood horse assassination hands election to Obama.” [Gawker]

Imaginary Democratic vice presidential frontrunner Gov. Tim Kaine is now being harassed by the press all over his weird state of Virginia. He told reporters this morning that he doesn’t “have any idea about where the process is” and he hasn’t talked to Obama “for a number of weeks, since before his trip.” He is already the Vice President of Lies, it seems. But where did he tell reporters these terrible lies? “Kaine, widely rumored to be at the top of Obama’s veep short list, attended the annual Chincoteague Pony Swim this morning with his 13-year old daughter.” Oh, how predictable: our would-be second black vice president is a deranged horse-drowning fetishist. MORE »

This is a hybrid zebra-unicorn, on which Barack Obama will fly to Denver and then storm the convention. Hey, late-deciding superdelegates, thinking of voting for Clinton are you? Well watch Barry’s steed shoot Hopeful biracial death lasers into your tummies and then maybe think it over. What should we name this, the quadrupedal monster that is the one we have been waiting for? [AP Photo]

OUR HUNGRY NATION: Two newspapers put “Horse for Sale” ad in the “Good Things To Eat” classifieds. [AZ Central]

Teddy Roosevelt rode his to Cuba to start a war with Spain. Ronald Reagan had one in Santa Barbara. Bill Richardson has one now. George Allen had one too, until he cut off its head and stuffed it in some black family’s mailbox. MORE »

* Heard on the Hill: William Jefferson already violating House ethics rules, uses official letterhead, House internal mail service to hit up other members for donations… Rep. Stephanie Herseth (D-S.D.) to marry some dude on March 31… TV journos upset that Nancy Pelosi won’t let them broadcast from Statuary Hall today. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Pelosi’s “Celebration Concert” tonight at the National Building is off-limits to the press. Attending: Tony Bennett, Carole King, Wyclef Jean, Bruce Hornsby, three former Grateful Dead members, Richard Gere and Amy Brenneman… Fed Chair Ben Bernanke spotted buying funnyman Dave Barry’s Money Secrets. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Busty blondes love horses: Barbi Twins join Bo Derek in lobbying against horse slaughter. ‘It’s like eating the flag,” says Sia. Quote of the year… Freshman Rep. Zack Space, who replaced Bob Ney, almost hired a cabbie named Ney… Despite being done in Congress forever, Rep. Shelley DraculaCunt Gibbs represented Texas’ 22nd at Ford’s Lying in State party… Nancy Pelosi held a tea party yesterday, Wonder Woman was there for some reason. [Examiner]
* Under the Dome: Robert Byrd is addicted to Red Bull. Vodka too, we assume… “Sen. Gordon Smith (R-Ore.) is the proud possessor of an original copy of Ford’s pardon of outgoing President Richard Nixon.” [Hill News]
* Rush & Molloy: Former DNC head Terry McAuliffe had great luck raising money from godless Hollywood types, Mike Bloomberg. [NYDN]

Bad news for everybody in Congress: They don’t like you. They really don’t like you. The new NYT/CBS poll shows the “threat level” is at 1994 levels, when that whole Republican Revolution ended 277 years of Democratic control of Congress. MORE »

Thanks to the brave passage of the Horse Slaughter Prevention Act, the House of Representatives has proven it is more than a cesspool of criminals that never manages to do any legislating. MORE »

• Jordanian hipsters are ahead of the curve, already discussing Middle Eastern “crisis” with detached irony. [My Occupied Territory] MORE »

Above, George Allen, who is still under the mistaken impression that Virginia is in the West. Or that he is from Virginia. Or something. MORE »