Do You Fear the Kind of Thing That Just Happened? You Have Crazy ‘Bridge Phobia’
Thursday, August 2nd, 2007
Hooray, we’ve found the first new “bridge phobia” spin-off story from the awfulness in Minneapolis. Forgetting for the moment that a “phobia” is an irrational fear and that particular I-35 bridge had a 50% chance of collapsing at any moment and there are thousands of American bridges with equally horrific chances of crumbling today and killing you, let’s go ahead and mock this part: MORE »
God (D-Outer Space) had a special message for America on July 4: He hates you all. From coast to coast, the Lord sent his plagues down upon ye, ruining everything from that stupid 
What will happen tomorrow? BBQ horrors? Terrorist frisbee rings? Fireworks set entire Western United States ablaze? Everybody in Texas finally drowns? We don’t know, yet, but we do know July 4 has traditionally been a day of misery and gloom. Let’s turn back the rancid pages of Fourth of July History: 
Congressman Tim Ryan is SO HUNGRY. The Ohio Democrat took part in this starvation stunt last week to draw attention to an issue of some importance: If you’re one of the 21 million Americans trying to subsist on food stamps, you’re either starving or stuffing yourself with the cheapest high-calorie junk food available, because a sack of generic x-treme trans-fat corn-syrup puzzlewits is a lot cheaper than, say, some nice fresh produce or fish. 
Listen people: If you want to send “political” e-mail, do it from special secret political e-mail accounts. Have you learned nothing from Karl Rove and the Bush Administration? We received one lonesome message protesting the fact that we noted Jesse Malkin’s very public slide into 
Even in the fog of war, U.S. troops can have some fun in Iraq with the wacky situations that present themselves. 
Normal life came to a screeching halt today in America as news of an awful mass murder spread across the nation. Politicians canceled rallies, Congress delayed impeachment proceedings and office workers stopped their usual banal chit-chat about teevee shows or whatever for impassioned if still ill-informed discussions of gun control, violence and the dangers of creative-writing programs. 
Remember the SURGE that would finally win the war against whoever it is we’re fighting in Iraq for some unknown reason? Well, it’s a big success — if by “success” you mean U.S. troops are now dying at the fastest rate since the invasion four years ago! 