Wonkette

Happy Dead Presidents Day, everybody! Our most beloved non-Reagan dead president, John F. “Jack” Kennedy, was killed by Lyndon Johnson’s Anti-Castro Cuban CIA Mafia Military-Industrial FBI Complex way back in 1963. We still don’t know exactly what happened, because “the government” won’t release the files for another forty or fifty years (or never), but the Dallas Morning News says a weird old transcript proves or doesn’t prove how “lone gunman” Lee Harvey Oswald and mafia-nightclub tough Jack Ruby discussed killing JFK so, uh, the Chicago mob wouldn’t be bothered by Kennedy’s little brother, Bobby Kennedy, who was attorney general back when the attorney general was expected to do anti-crime things rather than just torture innocent foreigners forever, in Cuba. MORE »

*WHY TRUST THEM WITH ANYTHING:* CNN was so terrible at hosting the last two debates that… they’ve put two more on the schedule — in Ohio. Assuming the nominations haven’t been locked up (please lock them, all of you!), they’ll host a debate for each party on February 27 or 28. It is still unclear whether these debates will overlap with the first debates of the 2012 primary season. [TV Decoder]

Beloved vampire writer Anne Rice has a very gloomy message for all you goths: Hillary Clinton will be your Queen of the Damned, and also the Lady President. Anne Rice is ecstatic, as you can tell from this video endorsement from the Haunted Mansion:

We are now anxiously, fearfully awaiting endorsement announcements from Count Chocula and Blackula.

Undead: Anne Rice Endorses Hillary [Political Machine]

America has finally learned the steep price it must pay for handing over so much control to the Robots. In the pre-dawn hours of Sunday, hundreds of millions of electronic clocks, cell phones, parking meters, microwaves, video games, air conditioner thermostats, digital cameras, remote-controlled vibrators and nuclear devices automatically switched to “Daylight Savings Time,” even though Congress wantonly switched the “fall back” date to next Sunday in some otherwise unrelated pile of legislation passed in 2005 — and no-one alive today will ever forget the tragic consequences. MORE »

Hooray, we’ve found the first new “bridge phobia” spin-off story from the awfulness in Minneapolis. Forgetting for the moment that a “phobia” is an irrational fear and that particular I-35 bridge had a 50% chance of collapsing at any moment and there are thousands of American bridges with equally horrific chances of crumbling today and killing you, let’s go ahead and mock this part: MORE »

Monstrous nocturnal carnivorous badgers have taken over the streets of Basra, and local Iraqis have a pretty good idea what’s behind the awful plague: occupation troops. There’s a big British base in Basra and people know that anything horrible — and there are endless horrors — is the fault of the occupation troops. Here’s video of the giant flesh-eating monster badgers: MORE »

God (D-Outer Space) had a special message for America on July 4: He hates you all. From coast to coast, the Lord sent his plagues down upon ye, ruining everything from that stupid A Capitol Fourth concert to simple backyard barbecues. His hate was, as always, limitless in scope and awesome in power. MORE »

What will happen tomorrow? BBQ horrors? Terrorist frisbee rings? Fireworks set entire Western United States ablaze? Everybody in Texas finally drowns? We don’t know, yet, but we do know July 4 has traditionally been a day of misery and gloom. Let’s turn back the rancid pages of Fourth of July History: MORE »

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Congressman Tim Ryan is SO HUNGRY. The Ohio Democrat took part in this starvation stunt last week to draw attention to an issue of some importance: If you’re one of the 21 million Americans trying to subsist on food stamps, you’re either starving or stuffing yourself with the cheapest high-calorie junk food available, because a sack of generic x-treme trans-fat corn-syrup puzzlewits is a lot cheaper than, say, some nice fresh produce or fish. MORE »