Tag Archives: horror

 

Al Gore Blamed For Tragic Seal-On-Penguin Rape

Here’s your “Friday Fun Link,” courtesy of BBC News and the Journal of Ethology. It is a King Penguin being sexually assaulted by an Antarctic Fur Seal. South African scientists photographed the freakish 45-minute sex crime, which only ended when the hundred-kilogram rapist seal couldn’t figure out how to actually copulate with the 15-kilogram ice bird, who was reportedly unharmed but deeply ashamed. [BBC News] Read more on Al Gore Blamed For Tragic Seal-On-Penguin Rape…
 

George W. Bush Nominated For Nobel Peace Prize

U.S. President George W. Bush has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for “fighting terrorism and promoting world peace,” according to a BBC News report. Bush has successfully promoted peace and democracy in many terrorist nations, including Iraq and Afghanistan, while making Americans safer and more prosperous at home. Read more on George W. Bush Nominated For Nobel Peace Prize…
 

IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU: “Pygmy Rattlesnake” jumps out of Arlington high school coach’s gym bag, sinks its venomous fangs into his hand, man goes to hospital, rattler frozen alive by firemen, South Carolina blamed. [WTOP] Read more on …
 

Space Shuttle Rushes Home Before Pentagon Blows Up Satellite

NASA is rushing the Space Shuttle Atlantis back to Earth on Wednesday so the mad scientists at the Pentagon can try to shoot a monstrous poisonous spy satellite out of the sky before it crashes back to America and kills us all. The broken 5,000-lb. space robot is completely out of control and is spinning back to its planetary home far faster than originally guessed, which is why the Defense Department needs to shoot a war missile into space this Thursday to blow up the thing and scare the bejesus out of all the other nations of Earth. The situation is so grim that the already dangerous space shuttle needs to get out of orbit and land before this doomed Star Wars exercise that will probably fill low-Earth orbit with tons of deadly space junk that will make it impossible for Earthlings to ever escape this imperiled planet. That’s why NASA is preparing for landings at either Kennedy Space Center in Florida or Edwards AFB in California’s Mojave Desert. The shuttle has three landing windows before the Pentagon begins its Space Assault. Also, Wednesday night will feature an ominous Full Moon Lunar Eclipse, so the Moon will turn blood red at 10 p.m. Eastern (7 p.m. Pacific Time) and remind us all of our fate, which is too terrible to mention. Satellite Shooting Is Next As Shuttle Heads Home [NY Times] Read more on Space Shuttle Rushes Home Before Pentagon Blows Up Satellite…
 

Jack Ruby and Lee Harvey Oswald’s ‘Kill JFK’ Plans Revealed!

Happy Dead Presidents Day, everybody! Our most beloved non-Reagan dead president, John F. “Jack” Kennedy, was killed by Lyndon Johnson’s Anti-Castro Cuban CIA Mafia Military-Industrial FBI Complex way back in 1963. We still don’t know exactly what happened, because “the government” won’t release the files for another forty or fifty years (or never), but the Dallas Morning News says a weird old transcript proves or doesn’t prove how “lone gunman” Lee Harvey Oswald and mafia-nightclub tough Jack Ruby discussed killing JFK so, uh, the Chicago mob wouldn’t be bothered by Kennedy’s little brother, Bobby Kennedy, who was attorney general back when the attorney general was expected to do anti-crime things rather than just torture innocent foreigners forever, in Cuba. Read more on Jack Ruby and Lee Harvey Oswald’s ‘Kill JFK’ Plans Revealed!…
 

*WHY TRUST THEM WITH ANYTHING:* CNN was so terrible at hosting the last two debates that… they’ve put two more on the schedule — in Ohio. Assuming the nominations haven’t been locked up (please lock them, all of you!), they’ll host a debate for each party on February 27 or 28. It is still unclear whether these debates will overlap with the first debates of the 2012 primary season. [TV Decoder] Read more on …
 

Crazy Vampire Lady Endorses Hillary Clinton

Beloved vampire writer Anne Rice has a very gloomy message for all you goths: Hillary Clinton will be your Queen of the Damned, and also the Lady President. Anne Rice is ecstatic, as you can tell from this video endorsement from the Haunted Mansion: We are now anxiously, fearfully awaiting endorsement announcements from Count Chocula and Blackula. Undead: Anne Rice Endorses Hillary [Political Machine] Read more on Crazy Vampire Lady Endorses Hillary Clinton…
 

Government Causes Bizarre Space-Time Continuum Chaos

America has finally learned the steep price it must pay for handing over so much control to the Robots. In the pre-dawn hours of Sunday, hundreds of millions of electronic clocks, cell phones, parking meters, microwaves, video games, air conditioner thermostats, digital cameras, remote-controlled vibrators and nuclear devices automatically switched to “Daylight Savings Time,” even though Congress wantonly switched the “fall back” date to next Sunday in some otherwise unrelated pile of legislation passed in 2005 — and no-one alive today will ever forget the tragic consequences. Read more on Government Causes Bizarre Space-Time Continuum Chaos…
 

Do You Fear the Kind of Thing That Just Happened? You Have Crazy ‘Bridge Phobia’

Hooray, we’ve found the first new “bridge phobia” spin-off story from the awfulness in Minneapolis. Forgetting for the moment that a “phobia” is an irrational fear and that particular I-35 bridge had a 50% chance of collapsing at any moment and there are thousands of American bridges with equally horrific chances of crumbling today and killing you, let’s go ahead and mock this part: Read more on Do You Fear the Kind of Thing That Just Happened? You Have Crazy ‘Bridge Phobia’…
 

Giant Bloodthirsty Badgers Eating People In Iraq

Monstrous nocturnal carnivorous badgers have taken over the streets of Basra, and local Iraqis have a pretty good idea what’s behind the awful plague: occupation troops. There’s a big British base in Basra and people know that anything horrible — and there are endless horrors — is the fault of the occupation troops. Here’s video of the giant flesh-eating monster badgers: Read more on Giant Bloodthirsty Badgers Eating People In Iraq…
 

God Shed His Rage On Thee

God (D-Outer Space) had a special message for America on July 4: He hates you all. From coast to coast, the Lord sent his plagues down upon ye, ruining everything from that stupid A Capitol Fourth concert to simple backyard barbecues. His hate was, as always, limitless in scope and awesome in power. Read more on God Shed His Rage On Thee…
 

This Is My United States of Whatever

What will happen tomorrow? BBQ horrors? Terrorist frisbee rings? Fireworks set entire Western United States ablaze? Everybody in Texas finally drowns? We don’t know, yet, but we do know July 4 has traditionally been a day of misery and gloom. Let’s turn back the rancid pages of Fourth of July History: Read more on This Is My United States of Whatever…
 

Congressman Sneaks Pork Chop, Doesn’t Starve To Death

Congressman Tim Ryan is SO HUNGRY. The Ohio Democrat took part in this starvation stunt last week to draw attention to an issue of some importance: If you’re one of the 21 million Americans trying to subsist on food stamps, you’re either starving or stuffing yourself with the cheapest high-calorie junk food available, because a sack of generic x-treme trans-fat corn-syrup puzzlewits is a lot cheaper than, say, some nice fresh produce or fish. Read more on Congressman Sneaks Pork Chop, Doesn’t Starve To Death…
 

National Park Service Loves Psychotic Backyard Porn

Listen people: If you want to send “political” e-mail, do it from special secret political e-mail accounts. Have you learned nothing from Karl Rove and the Bush Administration? We received one lonesome message protesting the fact that we noted Jesse Malkin’s very public slide into low-budget amateur porn, and here it is: Read more on National Park Service Loves Psychotic Backyard Porn…
 

U.S. Troops In Iraq Can’t Defeat BOB

Even in the fog of war, U.S. troops can have some fun in Iraq with the wacky situations that present themselves. Take this one pasta factory in Baghdad … please! Turns out it was an insurgent camp, so the U.S. troops moved in, and there’s a big septic tank inside full of raw sewage, and there’s a corpse in there floating right up at the top! Oh, and the head has “separated,” which apparently happens all the time in Iraq, and it’s got a big bullet hole in the face, due to the executions and all. Read more on U.S. Troops In Iraq Can’t Defeat BOB…
 

160 Killed In Terrible Massacre

Normal life came to a screeching halt today in America as news of an awful mass murder spread across the nation. Politicians canceled rallies, Congress delayed impeachment proceedings and office workers stopped their usual banal chit-chat about teevee shows or whatever for impassioned if still ill-informed discussions of gun control, violence and the dangers of creative-writing programs. Read more on 160 Killed In Terrible Massacre…
 

The SURGE Is Working!

Remember the SURGE that would finally win the war against whoever it is we’re fighting in Iraq for some unknown reason? Well, it’s a big success — if by “success” you mean U.S. troops are now dying at the fastest rate since the invasion four years ago! Read more on The SURGE Is Working!…
 

Metro Section: Appropriately Grim

* Here’s a terrifying sketch of the man who raped a woman in broad daylight outside a Checkers at 14th Street and Maryland Avenue while another man restrained her 3-year-old daughter. [Frozen Tropics] * Yesterday a man was stabbed to death in broad daylight at 51st Street and Banks Place, NE. [stop, blog and roll] * Last night there was a big apartment fire at 6th and O Streets, NW. 40 people lost their homes. [Life in Mount Vernon Square] * DMV moving from Gallery Place to SW. [Gallery Place Living] * The DC Madam’s Shock and Ahhhhh … [City Desk] Read more on Metro Section: Appropriately Grim…
 

Feel the Terror of FRIDAY the 13th!!!

Hey everybody, it’s Friday the 13th! A lot of horrible things are happening to people who forgot to remember not to go outside or walk under cats or whatever. It’s still early, so something bad is still very likely to happen to everybody, but here’s some of the awful terror currently afflicting people due to Friday the 13th: Read more on Feel the Terror of FRIDAY the 13th!!!…
 

McCain’s Baghdad Market Photo-Op Kills 21 People

Nice going, Walnuts: The latest massacre of Iraqi children came as 21 Shia market workers were ambushed, bound and shot dead north of the capital. The victims came from the Baghdad market visited the previous day by John McCain, the US presidential candidate, who said that an American security plan in the capital was starting to show signs of progress. Lorry bomb kills children in school [Times of London] Read more on McCain’s Baghdad Market Photo-Op Kills 21 People…