Wonkette

Holy crap, did you know there’s a Republican Congressman named “Thad McCotter”? That was the actual name of every Congressman to serve before 1900. But the McCotter Who Survived, here, is a wonderful educator, too! Look at him explain, on the House floor, and with a ruler, the art of “Speaking Democrat.” He proves that in the Democrat tongue, “DIPLOMACY = MAGIC.” The Democrats are Harry Potter and his wizard friends! Another favorite: “GOVERNMENT = SOCIALISM,” which is a step up from Marxism at least. Teach us more! THAD = RAD. [YouTube]

The most widespread form of “life” in Washington is the common Norway Rat, which completely owns the miserable District. Like most stunned bumpkins forced by bad luck or weird morals to the nation’s foul capital, the new editor of Reason magazine is horrified to find that dog-sized vermin live in every home, even the White House. MORE »

Here’s your “Friday Fun Link,” courtesy of BBC News and the Journal of Ethology. It is a King Penguin being sexually assaulted by an Antarctic Fur Seal. South African scientists photographed the freakish 45-minute sex crime, which only ended when the hundred-kilogram rapist seal couldn’t figure out how to actually copulate with the 15-kilogram ice bird, who was reportedly unharmed but deeply ashamed. [BBC News]

U.S. President George W. Bush has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for “fighting terrorism and promoting world peace,” according to a BBC News report. Bush has successfully promoted peace and democracy in many terrorist nations, including Iraq and Afghanistan, while making Americans safer and more prosperous at home. MORE »

IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU: “Pygmy Rattlesnake” jumps out of Arlington high school coach’s gym bag, sinks its venomous fangs into his hand, man goes to hospital, rattler frozen alive by firemen, South Carolina blamed. [WTOP]

NASA is rushing the Space Shuttle Atlantis back to Earth on Wednesday so the mad scientists at the Pentagon can try to shoot a monstrous poisonous spy satellite out of the sky before it crashes back to America and kills us all. The broken 5,000-lb. space robot is completely out of control and is spinning back to its planetary home far faster than originally guessed, which is why the Defense Department needs to shoot a war missile into space this Thursday to blow up the thing and scare the bejesus out of all the other nations of Earth.

The situation is so grim that the already dangerous space shuttle needs to get out of orbit and land before this doomed Star Wars exercise that will probably fill low-Earth orbit with tons of deadly space junk that will make it impossible for Earthlings to ever escape this imperiled planet. That’s why NASA is preparing for landings at either Kennedy Space Center in Florida or Edwards AFB in California’s Mojave Desert. The shuttle has three landing windows before the Pentagon begins its Space Assault.

Also, Wednesday night will feature an ominous Full Moon Lunar Eclipse, so the Moon will turn blood red at 10 p.m. Eastern (7 p.m. Pacific Time) and remind us all of our fate, which is too terrible to mention.

Satellite Shooting Is Next As Shuttle Heads Home [NY Times]

MORE »

Happy Dead Presidents Day, everybody! Our most beloved non-Reagan dead president, John F. “Jack” Kennedy, was killed by Lyndon Johnson’s Anti-Castro Cuban CIA Mafia Military-Industrial FBI Complex way back in 1963. We still don’t know exactly what happened, because “the government” won’t release the files for another forty or fifty years (or never), but the Dallas Morning News says a weird old transcript proves or doesn’t prove how “lone gunman” Lee Harvey Oswald and mafia-nightclub tough Jack Ruby discussed killing JFK so, uh, the Chicago mob wouldn’t be bothered by Kennedy’s little brother, Bobby Kennedy, who was attorney general back when the attorney general was expected to do anti-crime things rather than just torture innocent foreigners forever, in Cuba. MORE »

*WHY TRUST THEM WITH ANYTHING:* CNN was so terrible at hosting the last two debates that… they’ve put two more on the schedule — in Ohio. Assuming the nominations haven’t been locked up (please lock them, all of you!), they’ll host a debate for each party on February 27 or 28. It is still unclear whether these debates will overlap with the first debates of the 2012 primary season. [TV Decoder]

Beloved vampire writer Anne Rice has a very gloomy message for all you goths: Hillary Clinton will be your Queen of the Damned, and also the Lady President. Anne Rice is ecstatic, as you can tell from this video endorsement from the Haunted Mansion:

We are now anxiously, fearfully awaiting endorsement announcements from Count Chocula and Blackula.

Undead: Anne Rice Endorses Hillary [Political Machine]

America has finally learned the steep price it must pay for handing over so much control to the Robots. In the pre-dawn hours of Sunday, hundreds of millions of electronic clocks, cell phones, parking meters, microwaves, video games, air conditioner thermostats, digital cameras, remote-controlled vibrators and nuclear devices automatically switched to “Daylight Savings Time,” even though Congress wantonly switched the “fall back” date to next Sunday in some otherwise unrelated pile of legislation passed in 2005 — and no-one alive today will ever forget the tragic consequences. MORE »