Tag Archives: horror

  cartoon violence

Emergency Cartoon Violence: Dick Morris Has Some Terrible/Hilarious Cartoons On His Website

Haha, remember when your Comics Curmudgeon used to literally read every single political cartoon barfed out by America’s political cartooning class, every week, and then make fun of them all for your amusement? Your Comics Curmudgeon remembers this, though the details are fuzzy and mostly he just thinks of it as the “dark time.” He thought he had left that life behind him, but then Buzzfeed deputy tech editor and noted collector of Internet insanity John Herrman alerted him to the fact that DickMorris.com seeks to offer insightful political cartoons to those who have wandered over looking for Dick Morris-related content (toe porn). The cartoons are pretty great! No, wait, did we say “great,” we meant terrible. No, we can’t decide! Like this one: Read more on Emergency Cartoon Violence: Dick Morris Has Some Terrible/Hilarious Cartoons On His Website…
  moral conundra

The Obama Administration Assures You That Its Drone-Kill List Is In Good Hands

Good morning, liberals! Did you spend yesterday carefully poring over the extremely long The New York Times article about the list of people the administration carefully compiles, personally selected by the President (except in those cases when they’re not!) to be killed by missiles from flying death robots? Probably you didn’t, because it’s obviously one of the most depressing things you could possibly read, being as it is about your Hopey solemnly deciding who should live and who should die. But you really should, to face the world as it is and do your duty as a citizen. The reality, of course, is that being the President is a job that, structurally, comes with the duty of making up a list of who you want dead, which is why every president ends his four or eight years in power looking about 20 years older than when he started. But even if you have accepted in your heart that, yes, explosive-tipped missiles are an acceptable means of forwarding foreign policy, maybe there are some things in this article will make you mad! Or drink yourself into a stupor, either one. Read more on The Obama Administration Assures You That Its Drone-Kill List Is In Good Hands…
  #occupywalmart

Wal-Mart’s Billions and the Art Museum of Cruelty: A Christmas Carol

Here is a number we’ve seen bouncing around this week that really makes us want to fire up the old Yule Log, in the sense that the “Yule Log” is a tightly bound human centipede of the richest hundred humans in America, lit on fire: The six heirs to the Wal-Mart fortune have about $93 billion between them, more money and financial assets than the combined 100,000,000 Americans at the bottom of our crushing economic system. With half of all Americans now officially poor or “near poor” — which is somehow worse than plain poverty, as “near poor” means you don’t qualify for the minimal safety net this country generously offers some of its most desperate people — it is not a complete surprise that the rich must be very rich indeed these days. But the idea of six heirs to a corporate fortune built upon the destruction of American manufacturing, American small business and the American working class owning more than 30% of the entire nation, well that is the kind of thing that makes us think of Charles Dickens, and the holiday of abject misery and constant war against the impoverished called “Christmastime.” Read more on Wal-Mart’s Billions and the Art Museum of Cruelty: A Christmas Carol…
  the saddest thing

‘Hungry Child’ Sesame Street Muppet To Entertain Actual Hungry Children

Because so many millions of American children are plopped in front of the teevee to watch Sesame Street instead of getting any breakfast, what with 45 million people on food stamps and tens of millions with no jobs and other economic unpleasantness, the folks at the Children’s Television Workshop will introduce a sad new muppet character, “Lily,” who does not have enough food to eat and so is wasting away as the other characters sort of uncomfortably go about their already weirdly doomed lives. Read more on ‘Hungry Child’ Sesame Street Muppet To Entertain Actual Hungry Children…
  left tilt

Chris Christie Makes Fox News Tilt Left

Icon of personal responsibility Chris Christie paid a visit to the fiends at Fox News yesterday, and as this screenshot shows, he nearly caused the entire right-wing cable news channel to tilt left and vanish into the ether. But, sources say, the other side of the couch was secured with special ropes made from the tears of scared old white people. Read more on Chris Christie Makes Fox News Tilt Left…
  death race 2011

47,700 Killed and 688,000 Hurt Just Trying To Cross U.S. Streets

Here’s a fun statistic covering the past decade of people simply trying to walk somewhere in this no-crosswalk no-sidewalk nation of drive-thrus and six-lane suburban expressways: 47,700 pedestrians killed and another 688,000 pedestrians wounded when they were struck by cars for the sin of trying to walk somewhere in this country. The four worst metropolitan areas, when it comes to being killed while trying to walk somewhere, are all in Florida. Read more on 47,700 Killed and 688,000 Hurt Just Trying To Cross U.S. Streets…
  by they time they get to phoenix

Tea Party Announces National Conference In … Arizona, Obviously

Delightful news, America: Even though Arizona has been shunned by conferences and business travelers and entertainers and tourists with money ever since the “Arrest all the Brown People” law and that insane sheriff in Phoenix with his ritual torture/humiliation of suspected Latinos his goons capture in daylight raids, and even though the rest of the nation can’t even think of “Arizona” this month without shuddering over the lunacy of heavily armed mental cases hunting humans at the strip malls, the “Tea Party Patriots” just announced they’re going to have a very special anniversary/first national convention in beautiful Phoenix, AZ! Let’s enjoy the promotional YouTube, from which the above image was captured. Read more on Tea Party Announces National Conference In … Arizona, Obviously…
  wonkette world o' books

Sarah Palin Reflects On Stuff, Via Ghostwriters

Surely you’ve been wondering lately, “HMMM, what makes better Hanukkah reading: Sarah Palin’s new book, or that infinite library of Wikileak’d State Department telegrams?” If you enjoy endless Reports of the Obvious (“TOP SECRET: Arabs don’t like Iran!”) and the occasional bitchy gossip item (“Vladimir Putin: DRAG QUEEN BY NIGHT, or so I’ve heard”), go with the Wikileaks document dump. If you prefer something more Exceptionally American Exceptionalist, go with eight copies of America by Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith, and Flag by our tawdry nation’s premier media figure. What lurks therein, to degrade civilization and the human soul? Read more on Sarah Palin Reflects On Stuff, Via Ghostwriters…
  america's only non-muslim holiday

Wonkette’s Children’s Treasury of Traditional Thanksgiving Videos

Without the turkey-slaughter stylings of Miss Wasilla, how could any of us really enjoy Thanksgiving? Here’s the dropout governor of Alaska before she ditched her job for Hollywood. Look how she doesn’t want to touch that filthy animal! Once you’ve gone Neiman Marcus, you can’t go back. So many more beloved holiday traditional videos await you, the thankful American. Read more on Wonkette’s Children’s Treasury of Traditional Thanksgiving Videos…
  the devil will see you now

OKAY, ONE MORE PELOSI ANIMATED GIF: Nothing will ever compete with the 21st Century pop-art masterpiece that is today’s Wall of Pelosi animated gif seizure triumph, but we could not let this final submission vanish down the Memory Hole of Socialism, so here you go, and good night, and Happy September the Eleventh Eve! Make sure to leave out some pedophilia literature to distract the old Republican guys who will bust into your house tonight and try to scare everybody to death! [Thanks to Wonkette operative “David D.”] Read more on …
  temple of doom

‘Real World DC’ Cult-Sex Weeping Chamber Blueprints Revealed

What kind of DC buildings generally require a large room called a “confessional,” hmmm? Maybe churches? But nobody builds churches anymore. Maybe Michael Steele’s dream plans for the new GOP headquarters, where the Republicans can boozily admit to their various crimes of racism and pedophilia? NO EVEN BETTER, this is a scoop from the Washington City Paper: Actual blueprints for the Real World DC “weeping chamber,” where the young and talentless stars of this year’s edition of some old MTV comedy will be forced to admit to terrible, terrible things. Read more on ‘Real World DC’ Cult-Sex Weeping Chamber Blueprints Revealed…
  senor? senor?

Bob Dylan’s New Album All About Mexican Pig-Flu Pandemic Plague

When word of a surprise new Bob Dylan studio album reached your Wonkette on March 20, we wondered what sort of Actual Hell this record would release, as it is established fact in this first awful decade of the 21st Century that Bob Dylan only releases new studio albums to mark the arrival of another Horseman of the Apocalypse. We’ve been listening to the new record for two days now, and have reached various conclusions, most of which can be summed up like this: JESUS CHRIST THE WHOLE ENTIRE ALBUM IS MEXICAN MUSIC. Read more on Bob Dylan’s New Album All About Mexican Pig-Flu Pandemic Plague…
  put a face mask on twitter

Twitter + Swine Flu = Stupid

This might seem nuts, but it turns out that the combination of Twitter and the Pig-Bird-Mexican flu pandemic is a whole lot of Wrong. That is the point of this post, we think, although this quote from CNN sort of demolishes, well, everything: “Chatter about swine flu is also loud elsewhere online. About 10 times more people are writing online about swine flu than wrote about the salmonella and peanut butter scares from this winter, Nielsen says.” [CNN] Read more on Twitter + Swine Flu = Stupid…
  happy birthday bitch

Happy 6th Birthday, Iraq War!

You know what we love more than anything, at Wonkette? Birthdays! Love ’em love ’em love ’em. And there’s nothing better than a sixth birthday. Even better than your fifth birthday! So grown up now, and all blown apart, and god knows how many hundreds of thousands of corpses, and we hanged your fuckin’ dad, ha ha ha. Happy sixth birthday, Iraq War! Weren’t you supposed to be over by now, what with the Hope and all? Maybe when you’re seven-and-a-half, little bitch. Who wants cake? Read more on Happy 6th Birthday, Iraq War!…
  yes we can

Historical First-Ever President Barack Obama Congressional Address Drinking Game!

It’s been a long hard road, people. We’ve had some hard times, havin’ some hard times still. But fellow Americans, one thing is true, so undeniably true: George W. Motherfucking Bush Junior is gone. Yes he is! Feels good. Feels good knowing that ignorant motherfucker is back in Dallas, let Texas have him back, right? Back with his own goddammned people, the old America, the old dumb America. Let’s drink to Change tonight, and Hope, and to a variety of other words and phrases we expect to hear as President Barack Obama makes his first address to a joint session of Congress. It’s the first-ever historical President Barack Obama drinking game! Read more on Historical First-Ever President Barack Obama Congressional Address Drinking Game!…
  funny jokes about poor black people who drowned

John McCain Laughs About Katrina, FEMA

Oh god that horrible imitation of a human laugh. “Well, heh heh heh, at least no Arabian horses died. Heh heh heh heh.” HILARIOUS. Only thousands of poor black people died, after Katrina. And McCain made a super funny joke about how doomed flunkie Michael Brown — the FEMA chief who previously worked for an Arabian horse club — at least hadn’t killed any precious horses owned by billionaires! Read more on John McCain Laughs About Katrina, FEMA…
  conspiracy

Meth-Mouths Jailed In Obama Assassination Plot

Depending on your sources & your level of paranoia, either a couple of racist dingbats were arrested around Denver’s trashier motels Monday, or an elaborate plot to assassinate Barack Obama was busted up by clever Colorado cops. In any case, a trio of local losers are now in jail (again), and at least one of them mumbled something about wanting to murder our new president. Read more on Meth-Mouths Jailed In Obama Assassination Plot…
  freedom comes to town

Finally, We Can Have Guns In D.C.

Ever since its founding by George Washington in 17-whatever-something, the District of Columbia has never heard the thrilling ring of gunfire. Finally, after more than two centuries of firearm-free boredom, Washington will get its very first guns, this month! Read more on Finally, We Can Have Guns In D.C….
  porn contests

Why Is This Guy A Republican? Well, Isn’t It Obvious?

Now’s good a time as any to check in on some of the finalists for the GOP’s “Why Are You A Republican In 2008?” YouTube contest. This is SHAWN SUMMERS. 18 YEARS OLD. RESIDENT OF UPPER ST. CLAIR PENNSYLVANIA. COLLEGE STUDENT. REPUBLICAN. USERNAME: “JEDIMASTER51090.” WILL SAVE PARTY IMMEDIATELY. [YouTube] Read more on Why Is This Guy A Republican? Well, Isn’t It Obvious?…
  elected officials in this country

Erudite Congressman Explains How Liberal Democrats Communicate

Holy crap, did you know there’s a Republican Congressman named “Thad McCotter”? That was the actual name of every Congressman to serve before 1900. But the McCotter Who Survived, here, is a wonderful educator, too! Look at him explain, on the House floor, and with a ruler, the art of “Speaking Democrat.” He proves that in the Democrat tongue, “DIPLOMACY = MAGIC.” The Democrats are Harry Potter and his wizard friends! Another favorite: “GOVERNMENT = SOCIALISM,” which is a step up from Marxism at least. Teach us more! THAD = RAD. [YouTube] Read more on Erudite Congressman Explains How Liberal Democrats Communicate…
 

Washington Is A Foul Hellscape Of Rats

The most widespread form of “life” in Washington is the common Norway Rat, which completely owns the miserable District. Like most stunned bumpkins forced by bad luck or weird morals to the nation’s foul capital, the new editor of Reason magazine is horrified to find that dog-sized vermin live in every home, even the White House. Read more on Washington Is A Foul Hellscape Of Rats…