Wonkette

Oh god that horrible imitation of a human laugh. “Well, heh heh heh, at least no Arabian horses died. Heh heh heh heh.” HILARIOUS. Only thousands of poor black people died, after Katrina. And McCain made a super funny joke about how doomed flunkie Michael Brown — the FEMA chief who previously worked for an Arabian horse club — at least hadn’t killed any precious horses owned by billionaires!

Depending on your sources & your level of paranoia, either a couple of racist dingbats were arrested around Denver’s trashier motels Monday, or an elaborate plot to assassinate Barack Obama was busted up by clever Colorado cops. In any case, a trio of local losers are now in jail (again), and at least one of them mumbled something about wanting to murder our new president. MORE »

Ever since its founding by George Washington in 17-whatever-something, the District of Columbia has never heard the thrilling ring of gunfire. Finally, after more than two centuries of firearm-free boredom, Washington will get its very first guns, this month! MORE »

Now’s good a time as any to check in on some of the finalists for the GOP’s “Why Are You A Republican In 2008?” YouTube contest. This is SHAWN SUMMERS. 18 YEARS OLD. RESIDENT OF UPPER ST. CLAIR PENNSYLVANIA. COLLEGE STUDENT. REPUBLICAN. USERNAME: “JEDIMASTER51090.” WILL SAVE PARTY IMMEDIATELY. [YouTube]

Holy crap, did you know there’s a Republican Congressman named “Thad McCotter”? That was the actual name of every Congressman to serve before 1900. But the McCotter Who Survived, here, is a wonderful educator, too! Look at him explain, on the House floor, and with a ruler, the art of “Speaking Democrat.” He proves that in the Democrat tongue, “DIPLOMACY = MAGIC.” The Democrats are Harry Potter and his wizard friends! Another favorite: “GOVERNMENT = SOCIALISM,” which is a step up from Marxism at least. Teach us more! THAD = RAD. [YouTube]

The most widespread form of “life” in Washington is the common Norway Rat, which completely owns the miserable District. Like most stunned bumpkins forced by bad luck or weird morals to the nation’s foul capital, the new editor of Reason magazine is horrified to find that dog-sized vermin live in every home, even the White House. MORE »

Here’s your “Friday Fun Link,” courtesy of BBC News and the Journal of Ethology. It is a King Penguin being sexually assaulted by an Antarctic Fur Seal. South African scientists photographed the freakish 45-minute sex crime, which only ended when the hundred-kilogram rapist seal couldn’t figure out how to actually copulate with the 15-kilogram ice bird, who was reportedly unharmed but deeply ashamed. [BBC News]

U.S. President George W. Bush has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for “fighting terrorism and promoting world peace,” according to a BBC News report. Bush has successfully promoted peace and democracy in many terrorist nations, including Iraq and Afghanistan, while making Americans safer and more prosperous at home. MORE »

IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU: “Pygmy Rattlesnake” jumps out of Arlington high school coach’s gym bag, sinks its venomous fangs into his hand, man goes to hospital, rattler frozen alive by firemen, South Carolina blamed. [WTOP]

NASA is rushing the Space Shuttle Atlantis back to Earth on Wednesday so the mad scientists at the Pentagon can try to shoot a monstrous poisonous spy satellite out of the sky before it crashes back to America and kills us all. The broken 5,000-lb. space robot is completely out of control and is spinning back to its planetary home far faster than originally guessed, which is why the Defense Department needs to shoot a war missile into space this Thursday to blow up the thing and scare the bejesus out of all the other nations of Earth.

The situation is so grim that the already dangerous space shuttle needs to get out of orbit and land before this doomed Star Wars exercise that will probably fill low-Earth orbit with tons of deadly space junk that will make it impossible for Earthlings to ever escape this imperiled planet. That’s why NASA is preparing for landings at either Kennedy Space Center in Florida or Edwards AFB in California’s Mojave Desert. The shuttle has three landing windows before the Pentagon begins its Space Assault.

Also, Wednesday night will feature an ominous Full Moon Lunar Eclipse, so the Moon will turn blood red at 10 p.m. Eastern (7 p.m. Pacific Time) and remind us all of our fate, which is too terrible to mention.

Satellite Shooting Is Next As Shuttle Heads Home [NY Times]

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