Tag Archives: hookers

  an actual conspiracy for a change

The Daily Caller Is Being Run By Cuban Communists

You may or may not remember the story about New Jersey Sen. Robert Menendez allegedly doing sex with prostitutes, whom he then didn’t even pay, and then later it was claimed that the hookers were underaged, even. Hahaha, of course you remember it — you read Wonket, and are perforce a salacious-minded weirdo, gods bless you! It was a really big deal in late 2012 when Tucker Carlson’s Daily Caller broke it, and then a few months later the Associated Press reported that in reality, the ladies of negotiable affection were paid by an attorney to make the whole thing up. And so we felt better about Robert Menendez, because ALWAYS PAY YOUR HOOKER. And now, we get this Big Deal Update from the Washington Post: The whole story appears to have been planted by Cuban intelligence agents. Is it petty of us to think that the real takeaway is less that a U.S. Senator was almost ruined by Cuban spies than that Tucker Carlson and chipmunk-faced boy reporter Matthew Boyle got punked by those same Cuban spies? We can live with that. Read more on The Daily Caller Is Being Run By Cuban Communists…
  o brothel where art thou

So Far, Only Hookers Seem To Like Obamacare

Here’s another story about sex workers who are happy to get insurance under the Affordable Care Act. Combine that with wingnut Noel Sheppard’s freakout over san Francisco hookers signing up for the ACA, and it is now officially a Trend. of course, in this case, the women signing up are legally employed at a Nevada brothel, the Moonlight Bunny Ranch, so at least there’s none of that “criminal” stigma, right? Aha, well, not so much; The Blaze simply says “It’s come to this” and shakes its head sadly. So get ready for HookerCare to become a wingnut meme. Read more on So Far, Only Hookers Seem To Like Obamacare…
  secret service moved to 'naughty' list

Secret Service Ruining Blowvember With Creepy Hotel Antics

Jesus Christ on a pogo stick, people, you keep getting Blowvember all wrong. First, CBS tries to co-opt it by blowing every news story it reports on. And now the Secret Service is being super-creepy with the ladies, according to the Washington Post. It seems that this past spring, a Secret Service agent was trying to force his way into a woman’s hotel room. NO!! BAD SECRET SERVICE!! NOT OK!! This dumbassery led to an internal investigation, which revealed some more bad behavior by this agent and another dude. As everyone knows, Blowvember is about sexual scandal, but not the creepy or rapey kind. It should be a celebration, but the only person who seems to keep the spirit of Blowvember in his heart is Rob Ford. AMERICA, WE CAN’T OUTSOURCE BLOWVEMBER TO THE CANADIANS! Let’s get it together, people.  Read more on Secret Service Ruining Blowvember With Creepy Hotel Antics…
  Pull up your big-boy diapers

David Vitter Demands Senate Democrats Go Probe Themselves For Reminding Us Of That Time He Used To Screw Hookers

Oh, Sen. David Vitter (R-Whore House), we heart you soooooo much. No, really, we do. You are, in fact, our very favorite diapers-wearing john in the whole Senate. While some politicians might slink away from the public eye in disgrace after getting busted for patronizing professional women of the night (you know, paying hookers for sex), those politicians tend to be weenie Democrats. Not you, sir. You are a brave soul who will force your wife to stand beside you as you say you are “very, very sorry” for all those times you paid women to dress you up in diapers and do we-don’t-even-want-to-know-what to you and then insist we forget all about that stuff so you can go back to lecturing us about family values and how the gays are destroying America with their gay and also just generally being a dick. We applaud you, sir, and now we would like to thank you for this latest demonstration of courage under derp: Read more on David Vitter Demands Senate Democrats Go Probe Themselves For Reminding Us Of That Time He Used To Screw Hookers…
  which ones are the prostitutes again?

AP Scoop: Dominican Republic Hookers in Menendez Story Were Not Trustworthy After All

Like a middle-aged man in the grip of a Viagra-fueled sex spree, this whole “Did New Jersey Senator Robert Menendez (D-Sexytimes) Sex Up Some Underage Hookers In The Dominican Republic” story just keeps on keepin’ on! Just to recap: not long before the November election, chipmunk-faced ace reporter Matthew Boyle broke the shocking news that an unmarried man might have stiffed a couple of hookers, and also underpaid them, while he was on some sort of sex-crazed sexanalia in the DR, where prostitution happens to be legal. Of course, this is New Jersey, which already has its share of embarrassing citizens, so everyone there was all “Meh” and “Go Big Blue” and “Nice state we got here, be a shame if anything…HOLY MOTHER OF GOD SEND HELP!” But much like herpes, Boyle would not go away. Read more on AP Scoop: Dominican Republic Hookers in Menendez Story Were Not Trustworthy After All…
  a black eye and feather in his cap

Daily Caller’s Menendez Hooker: I Can’t Believe We Made Up The Whole Thing (Updated!)

Next-gen rightwing journamalism Great White Hope Matthew Boyle was pretty proud when the FBI did some boring raid on some shady eye doctor allegedly organizing underage sex-hookers for New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez. Boyle had been beating his horse for months over it, while no one respectable would touch it. (Your Wonkette, along with the rest of the civilized universe, does not consider itself “respectable.”) But now it is time for Boyle to figure out what his clever alibi will be as to why the woman who identified herself to Boyle’s readers as New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez’s prostitute now says she was paid money by some shady lawyer guy to read from a script when she said she did sex on New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez for money. Did Boyle get Burketted? Boyle probably did not get Burketted. (This is where Karl Rove false-flags you with memos that are identical to the memos the Army secretary remembers typing up, but MOAR PIXELZ!) At least, it seems improbable that Boyle got Burketted, since he was there for the videotaped “interview” with the lady, which he conducted himself, and in which the lady says she was reading from a script, and ALSO which does not seem to be in the story trumpeting the interview along with “VIDEO” any longer. Imagine that! Read more on Daily Caller’s Menendez Hooker: I Can’t Believe We Made Up The Whole Thing (Updated!)…
  wankers

Matthew Boyle To Spend Valentine’s Day Alone, Cockblocking Bob Menendez

Hi single people! Sorry about the uber-commercialized “fuck you I’m getting laid tonight” holiday that coupled people foist on you every February. You really don’t deserve it. But take solace in at least one thing: you are not Matthew Boyle of Breitbart/Daily Tucker fame. Most normal Americans will spend the day avoiding their Facebook Feed and charging the batteries on their Hello Kitty masturbating wand for a night of tequila-fueled streaming 9 Songs on Netflix. Matthew on the other hand will be putting on his fancy “investigative journalist” fedora and spending the entirety of the night alternating between sobbing pitifully into his chalice of Mountain Dew Red Alert and furiously masturbating to the latest hot leads that he has on Senator Bob Menendez’s sex life. Read more on Matthew Boyle To Spend Valentine’s Day Alone, Cockblocking Bob Menendez…
  in my arms she was always lolita

New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez Really Should Not Be Sexing Under-Age Prostitutes

New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez (D-Bada Bing!) got in a spot of bother about three minutes before election day last November, when it was revealed he was boning Dominican sex workers in big piles of orgy, with his buddy, some skeezy eye doctor or something. New Jersey, as it happens, did not care. Nor did your Wonkette — consenting adults, etc. — except for how he DID NOT PAY HIS HOOKERS. NOT COOL, MENENDEZ. But it seems some of the prostitutes who engaged in said piles of orgy may not have been consenting adults. And this is a problem. Read more on New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez Really Should Not Be Sexing Under-Age Prostitutes…
  'night johnboy

Husband of the Century John Edwards Purchased Human Lady Flesh From ‘Millionaire’ New York Sex Pimp

OH GOOD. Noted humanitarian and best guy ever John Edwards is not only seeking to make another human maybe with perfect soulmate Rielle Edwards. Nope. His name has also come up in conjunction with some sex-trafficking investigation in Manhattan, which has uncovered that he was purchasing sexxx with money during the presidential bid that was only cut short because his wife Elizabeth was about to die of horrible cancer. Ev’rybody got a warm happy feeling now? So glad. Read more on Husband of the Century John Edwards Purchased Human Lady Flesh From ‘Millionaire’ New York Sex Pimp…
  dr. livingstone is in

Wonkette Endorsements: This Swashbuckling GOP Lunatic Spy

Who’s the man who offered to help get Khadafi out of Libya for a cool $10 mill? Neil Livingstone! Who’s the cat on a yacht full of pussy-for-hire? Neil Livingstone! Who fled from Argentine Nazis, ate borscht with Russian mafia, and was “wrongly subpoenaed for gun running and involvement in the Iran-Contra affair”? Neil Livingstone. You can see why Your Wonkette has no choice but to endorse Neil Livingstone for … let’s see … yes, it says right here, Montana governor! Super shady “security expert” Dr. Neil Livingstone (yes, that’s right) is now trying to downplay how completely and irredeemably awesome he is, taking a buncha spy stuff off his website. But there’s no running away from the book he wrote for other Men of the World about how not to get rolled by hookers while you are off being a Man of the World. Read more on Wonkette Endorsements: This Swashbuckling GOP Lunatic Spy…
  eyebleach

Free Speech Martyr Rush Limbaugh Gets Hooker Website Ad Offer

Having spent four (12? 40?) days wheezing into his herpes-flecked microphone about hot nubile coeds and the sextapes they should make for him, poor martyred modern-day Mario Savio Rush Limbaugh finally caught a break when loathsome hooker website “SeekingArrangement.com” decided they could use some more publicity, and announced their hopes to advertise. Read more on Free Speech Martyr Rush Limbaugh Gets Hooker Website Ad Offer…
  snowbilly book news

Todd Palin’s Alleged Prostitute Releasing Exciting Book About Sex With Todd Palin

Somehow, the Wasilla gravy train has finally run out of steam. What else can explain Todd Palin’s alleged Wasilla mistress/prostitute not getting a six-figure book deal for her story? America has finally grown tired of Sarah Palin and her snowbilly family’s oxycontin exploits. But, just in case you need a final dose, be sure to buy the hawt new paperback Boys Will Be Boys by Shailey Tripp. (Tripp?) Read more on Todd Palin’s Alleged Prostitute Releasing Exciting Book About Sex With Todd Palin…
  republican family values

Bible-Loving Ohio Teabagger Also Really Loves Prostitutes, Drugs

Oh good, the Family Values club of GOP politicians can finally add another tally mark to the heterosexual column on their crowded “hookers ‘n coke scandal” scorecard! It’s a lonely column, that one. What a marvelous lede Cincinnati.com has: “Bible toting Clermont County politician Archie Wilson surfaced from drug treatment Tuesday to answer charges he traded drugs for sex at a bed bug infested motel.” Sexy! Read more on Bible-Loving Ohio Teabagger Also Really Loves Prostitutes, Drugs…
  it's morning in america

Harry Reid Wants To Outlaw All Of Your Favorite Prostitutes

Harry Reid made a special cameo appearance in Carson City yesterday, where he spoke to the Nevada legislature and “an audience that included a legal brothel owner, legal prostitutes and the legal industry’s state lobbyist.” How did Harry Reid win over his whore-loving audience? Perhaps he flattered them with his world-famous compliments? (“It’s a great honor to be here with you all. You are all such well-spoken Negroes.”) Nope, incorrect! Harry Reid decided to start rambling about how it’s time to outlaw prostitution. Why is it time, Harry Reid? And why do you say these things, to professional whores and brothel curators? Here is a typical sentence, from THE POLITICO: “The whorehouse owner in attendance, Dennis Hof of the Moonlite Bunny Ranch, told reporters on the scene: ‘Harry Reid will have to pry the cathouse keys from my cold, dead hands.'” Okay? [Politico] Read more on Harry Reid Wants To Outlaw All Of Your Favorite Prostitutes… Read more on Harry Reid Wants To Outlaw All Of Your Favorite Prostitutes…
  wasilla family values

National Enquirer Says Todd Palin Bangs Hookers

America’s favorite newspaper, the National Enquirer, has another gross scoop about political celebrities boning people they aren’t married to — this time it’s “first dude” Todd Palin, who is accused of repeatedly banging a hooker who was then arrested for being a prostitute. How will Sarah Palin turn this to her advantage? Easy: Everything is already about Sarah Palin, to Sarah Palin, and this is probably more about (or, er, not about, but not about in a more “about way,” personally) Sarah Palin than most things which are, in fact, only about Sarah Palin in her mind — because she is a delusional narcissistic sociopath who, based on nothing but her greed and lust for cable-news notoriety, believes she should run the world. Anyway, Todd! Who knew, right? He looked so gay! Read more on National Enquirer Says Todd Palin Bangs Hookers…
  you guys act like he has a law degree or something

David Vitter Still Refusing To Say He Broke Law With Prostitute Diaper Fun

David Vitter’s Democratic opponent is going to lose to him on Tuesday, so at this point, the only thing he can really do is say, “C’mon Louisiana, you’re going to vote for the guy who buys hookers to dress him up in diapers? Really?” David Vitter is still going to debates with this man, so he has to hear questions from the moderators like, “So, buying hookers: Illegal, right?” And David Vitter will not respond. But we ask you this: If David Vitter broke the law, which law did he break? Did he break the law against loving Louisiana and its nurturing bayous too much? GUILTY AS CHARGED! Did he break the law of cosines? Perhaps, depending on the angle of his Huggies. Did he break natural law? No, because that thing he did is how humans make babies and also how they keep babies from making a mess. Well, then, did he break the law of babies? Yes. Read more on David Vitter Still Refusing To Say He Broke Law With Prostitute Diaper Fun…
  not sorry about murdering the DC Madam though!

David Vitter Acknowledges Serious Diaper Sins

It’s nice to see David Vitter talking openly about his insatiable appetite for bordello diaper sexytime: Republican Sen. David Vitter again acknowledged unspecified “serious sins” during a candidates forum Wednesday night but offered no new information on the prostitution scandal that broke in 2007 when he was linked to a Washington call girl ring run by the “D.C. Madam.” Read more on David Vitter Acknowledges Serious Diaper Sins…
  republicans in the news

Does Diaperman David Vitter Have a New Favorite Hooker?

Have you explored the strange world of men with too much money writing about their escort experiences on the Internet? GOOD, don’t … unless you want to learn what lingo like this might mean: “More then one man can handle alone. PSE is my thing. Keep that gfe shit!” Yeah, who wants that second thing? Also, which high-priced hooker acronym means “Senator David Vitter is here again and he wants to poop in diapers, and have a call girl watch, for some reason”? Because that’s the only deviant fecal act relevant to Louisiana’s senate campaign. Let’s meet the young lady one Louisiana politics blog says is Vitter’s new favorite prostitute. Read more on Does Diaperman David Vitter Have a New Favorite Hooker?…
  it's morning in america

Americans Are Still Homeless and Poor

Home foreclosures are up 25 percent, which is probably why everyone is just getting so high. More than 2.3 million homes have been repossessed by lenders since the Greatest Recession began three years ago. And what has Obama done to help Real Americans keep their trailer-homes, since obviously he is to blame for everything bad that has happened in the last ten years, at least? There is the socialist Making Home Affordable program, but it has not been very effective. What are we going to do? [Fox News] Read more on Americans Are Still Homeless and Poor… Read more on Americans Are Still Homeless and Poor…
  prostitute nostalgia

Important People Upset By Lack Of Quiet Hookers

Prostitution is the world’s oldest profession. (This is the first False Fact you learn in social studies class; “Hunting” was actually the first profession, followed a few hours later by “Hungry Rentboy.”) But in these troubling times, basically every single prostitute is a total blabbermouth who will sell his/her story to the tabloid reptile-people. And by “his/her story” we mean “that time you paid a prostitute to violently sodomize your anus with a frozen poopsicle.” [RILEY JESUS C’MON — Ed.] Prostitution comes from the Latin word meaning “to send pictures of your boobs to Tiger Woods, using your cellphone camera, and then not telling anyone about it, not ever.” Sadly, prostitution has strayed from its noble Latin roots, and this makes important people who have ugly spouses very nervous. Read more on Important People Upset By Lack Of Quiet Hookers…
  la dolce vita

Hooker Four-Way Not Even Silvio Berlusconi’s Biggest Problem Right Now

If the leader of one of the world’s eight largest economies was rumored to have engaged in group sex with three prostitutes, that’s “news,” right? What if the leader in question was Silvio Berlusconi? These are the sorts of philosophical conundra you run into in the blogging business. The Silvio-whore connection is well established, which is why this latest news is exciting less for quality than for quantity. And it isn’t even the thing that will result in him maybe losing his job tomorrow! Read more on Hooker Four-Way Not Even Silvio Berlusconi’s Biggest Problem Right Now…