Tag Archives: homosexuals

  No not his Catholic church his other church

Surprise! Marco Rubio’s Church Is Full Of Demon-Wrasslers, Gay-Haters And Creationist Derp

Marco Rubio may very well believe this is happening right now, in the sky.
Marco Rubio has two churches in Miami. One, as you might imagine, is the Catholic kind, because the Cuban-American Rubio is Catholic. The other one is a ginormous Baptist affair, featuring demon-wrasslin’, homo-hatin,’ and a sincerely held religious belief that Jesus rode a dinosaur. But how can a person be both Catholic and Baptist at the same time? Let’s Wonksplore! Read more on Surprise! Marco Rubio’s Church Is Full Of Demon-Wrasslers, Gay-Haters And Creationist Derp…
  let them not eat cake

Fundie Indiana Cake Bakers ‘Forced’ To Close Due To Gays Wanting Cake

Artworks like this reserved for True Christians.
Randy and Tish McGath were just normal fundamentalist assholes with a propensity for frosting. They opened a nice place called the 111 Cakery in a very gayborhood-y part of Indianapolis, so that they might witness to the homosexuals through decorative baking. But that all changed, are you Wonkers ready to weep as you learn the tale of the latest Christians who have been beaten and murdered by gays, due to their sincerely held religious beliefs? Well, you’re OUT OF LUCK, because this is just another one of those dumb stories about wingnuts voluntarily deciding to close down shop (they use the word “forced” because it sounds martyr-y, not because it’s true) because they don’t want to risk Jesus sending them to hell for selling celebratory baked goods for gay weddings: Read more on Fundie Indiana Cake Bakers ‘Forced’ To Close Due To Gays Wanting Cake…
  best thing to come from kentucky since hunter s. thompson

With Kentucky Decision, Nation Running Dangerously Low On States Without Marriage Equality

If it’s Tuesday, this must be another post about a federal judge throwing out a state law banning same-sex marriage. The lucky winner this time around is Kentucky, where U.S. District Judge John G. Heyburn II overturned the state’s 2004 constitutional amendment against gay unions, writing another of those decisions (PDF link) that aim for a memorable turn of phrase: In America, even sincere and long-hold religious beliefs do not trump the constitutional rights of those who happen to have been out-voted. Yep, that’s pretty good. But is there more? There is more. Read more on With Kentucky Decision, Nation Running Dangerously Low On States Without Marriage Equality…
  the love that dare not speak its name

Ralph Reed: Gay-Bashing + Unskewed Polls = GOP (Bondage And) Dominance 4 Ever

Remember how there was a time when it seemed like we might be entirely free of Ralph Reed and his sanctimonious toothiness? But somehow he rose like a smug phoenix from the flames, and now we have to endure his assertions that hating on the gays is still totally good for Republican business. Question: how bad does someone like Ralph Reed have to fuck up before no one will listen to him? Hahaha trick question the answer is never. Ralph Reed will be with us, faux-pious, until the end of time, and he will never stop advising the GOP that opposing gay marriage is a sure-fire winner. Read more on Ralph Reed: Gay-Bashing + Unskewed Polls = GOP (Bondage And) Dominance 4 Ever…
  everybody loves the garbage man

S.D. Representative Does Not Care For You Lesbians Putting Weiners In Your ‘Garbage Alley’

Buttsechs. Some people like to do it in their butts, while other people like to pay their rent owning mommyblogs that for some weird reason unknown to G_d or man (COUGH ANA MARIE COUGH) have become synonymous with anal loving. Still other people like to be elected representatives of the people of South Dakota and post long long SO LONG letters about how butts are “garbage alleys” and lesbians should not have weiners in their butts onto their Faceplace pages when the Argus Leader determines their letters to the editor to be a little much for your morning Grape Nuts. In his masterpiece, “A One Way Alley for the Garbage Truck,” state Rep. Steve Hickey proclaims a great many common-sense things. We shall explore them, together. Read more on S.D. Representative Does Not Care For You Lesbians Putting Weiners In Your ‘Garbage Alley’…
  will nobody think of wonkette's children?

Jan Brewer Being Uncrazy Again, Some More (Video)

This is TOTALLY FUCKED, guys. Not only is Jan Brewer, Arizona governatrix, continuing to take her meds, but she apparently has inspired her state’s senators, Herrs McCain and Flake, to pick up some Lithium as well. And now she has come out, looking good, and explaining that she has vetoed SB 1062, the desperately needed bill to protect Arizonans from mean gays suing the fuck out of them if they discriminate in their public accommodations (that means, like, “business”), which has caused fucking idiots like Ben Shapiro to be fucking idiots, again, and whine about the big mean government making them bake gay cakes. (Hint: Harvard Law grad Ben Shapiro is bad at law.) Read more on Jan Brewer Being Uncrazy Again, Some More (Video)…
  locker room chemistry is ph-balanced for manly men

Vince Lombardi Was Totally Gay For Gay Football Players Because Vince Lombardi Wasn’t A Jerk

When Michael Sam is drafted — it should be a matter of when not if, because if Sam liked lady bits, there would no question he would get drafted — Sam would be the first openly gay professional athlete in a major American team sport. Read more on Vince Lombardi Was Totally Gay For Gay Football Players Because Vince Lombardi Wasn’t A Jerk…
  oh no! they've ve killed princess sparkle pony!

What If You Could Count Your Brain Cells As They Die While Reading Something By Ben Shapiro?

It’s kind of a trick question, because of course you won’t be able to ever actually count your brain cells as they wither and pass while you read something by Ben Shapiro. Nobody can count that high! But you sure can FEEL them dying! Most people would interpret this sensation as being bored or ow, I rolled my eyes too hard, but make no mistake: those brain cells are gone and they’re never coming back. It’s too late for me, because I’ve already read – twice! – this thing by Shapiro (warning: Breitbart) about that sportsball player, the football one who said he loves the cock, and it is a doozy. Turns out it’s all a big media hoax/conspiracy, and worse, a trap! It’s tempting to call Ben Shapiro’s argument circular, but it’s more like a Möbius strip, never-ending and one-sided. Click “read more” to see more of my thoughts ‘n’ stuff on this amazing piece of writing before my cranial neurons finally give up the ghost and surrender forever. Read more on What If You Could Count Your Brain Cells As They Die While Reading Something By Ben Shapiro?…
  they're just two girls who cain't say no

Open Wide, Oklahoma, It Is Your Turn For Some Gay Marriage Throat-Ramming And Cramming

Are you familiar with this state “Oklahoma”? It’s one of the ones in the middle there. It’s full of Democrats who voted for Randall Terry for president — actually beating sitting “Democrat” “president” Barack Obama in the primaries — probably because it is full of super-lefty civil libertarians who hate drones and banks or something, definitely not because they hate the black guy. Well, now some federal judge has gone and crammed some Satan down Oklahoma’s throats, and by “Satan,” naturally, we mean “gay cock,” probably pierced a bunch of times up and down the shaft and definitely sporting a little cock-sized leather vest, with friiiinge on top. Read more on Open Wide, Oklahoma, It Is Your Turn For Some Gay Marriage Throat-Ramming And Cramming…
  virginia creeper

Virginia State Sen. Thomas Garrett Will End Teenage Oral Sexing Forever With This One Weird Bill

You might think that the wingnuts in the Commonwealth of Virginia might have a bit of a sad, what with their candidates losing the top three statewide electoral spots a couple months back. You might also think that they would have a smidgen of a doubt, after that defeat, about the wisdom of pushing an agenda that contributed to their guys’ big loss. Naaaaaah. State Sen. Thomas A. Garrett is a “constitutional conservative” –says so right on his FacePlace – which means he’s most likely convinced that the only reason Ken Cuccinelli isn’t going to be sworn in as governor is that he didn’t push hard enough on the holy crusade to make homosex illegal again. And by golly, Garrett has introduced an “emergency” bill to bring back Virginia’s “crimes against nature” law — and since the meanypants SCOTUS won’t allow states to criminalize what consenting adults do with their danglybits and ladygardens, the new bill will only apply to minors, who must be protected from blowjobs, buttsechs, and eating at the Y. All that sodomizin’ would now become a felony, and any teenagers doing blowjobs in the backseat will be subject to having a felony conviction following them around for life. Not that the law would ever really be applied to straight boys and girls in practice, of course — P-E-N-I-S goes in vagina is not affected by the bill. This is firmly aimed at criminalizing young gheys. You know, to protect the kids. Read more on Virginia State Sen. Thomas Garrett Will End Teenage Oral Sexing Forever With This One Weird Bill…
  A Year Of Gay Nice Times

2013: America’s Most Fabulously Gay Year Ever

While there are still a few (like, five) Real Mericans (and most of them are on some stupid teevee show about making duck-sex sounds) who are unaware that is the year 2013 for a few more hours (then it will be 2014, for those of you who have trouble counting, you’re welcome), and they think The Gay AgendaTM is ruining our freedoms and our childrens and making Jesus cry — like, for example, this one lady idiot in San Diego who is warring on the Rose Parade because FOR THE CHILDREN — it turns out that America went totally full-on gay homosexxxxxxican gay this year, and it is FABULOUS. How fabulous? A whole bunch of states legalized gay marriage aka marriage (or had it crammed down their throats by dirty hippie liberal activist judges like Justice Anthony Kennedy): Maryland, California, Delaware, Rhode Island, Minnesota, New Jersey, Hawaii, Illinois, New Mexico, and Utah. Yeah, that’s right. Motherfucking Utah. Yeah. UTAH. And sure, the governor and attorney general of Utah are still scratching their heads — to the tune of $2 million, which broke-ass Utah cannot exactly afford — on how to STOP THE GAY, but so far, they got nothin’. They say they are planning to beg the Supreme Court to save them from the gay, and we are planning to laugh very hard when the Supreme Court tells them no. So welcome aboard the gay train, Utah. In Illinois, the gay marriage aka marriage law does not actually go into effect until June 2014. But a very nice judge who is An Ally ordered the immediate issuance of a marriage license to a lovely couple, one half of which has terminal cancer (sad) and may not have enough time to make it the June 2014 date (still sad), so the judge was all, “Here, you can get gay married RIGHT NOW and mazel tov!” Awwwww (but sad because cancer) but awwwwwww. And speaking of judges … Read more on 2013: America’s Most Fabulously Gay Year Ever…
  who's on top?

Weekly Standard: Barack Obama And Joe Biden Held Hands So They Are Definitely Doing Gay Sex In Each Other’s Bottoms

ZOMG you guys, the Weekly Standard has proof Barack Obama and Old Handsome Joe Biden are doing gay sex in each other’s bottoms, like we just said in the headline. Are you ready? Are you ready for this terrible proof? ARE YOU SURE????? Okay then. Follow us after the jump to see the SHOCKING EXPOSE that is the entirety of the Weekly Standard’s post on this SHOCKINGLY EXPOSED topic! Read more on Weekly Standard: Barack Obama And Joe Biden Held Hands So They Are Definitely Doing Gay Sex In Each Other’s Bottoms…
  it is with pat robertson's special cockrings probably

Did You Know Homosexuals Commit Half Of All Big City Murders? It Is Probably ‘True’

Wonket BFF Bradlee Dean was on the radio again, you guys, where he said things, with his facehole! And he had on another guy, Jake McMillan, who said things with his facehole too! (Jake is the one bringing the “facts”; Bradleeeeee is the one blindly agreeing.) So if you are not ready to have some TRUTH beaten into you with the ROD OF CORRECTION, then we suggest you GET READY! Because the truth, it is a-comin’! (But not in a gay way.) Read more on Did You Know Homosexuals Commit Half Of All Big City Murders? It Is Probably ‘True’…
  nice time!

Friday Nice Time: WWE Wrestler Exits Closet, What Are You Gonna Do About It?

As a reward to our loyal readers for slogging through a week of stories that would probably have even the Brady Bunch chugging hemlock together, we present today’s Nice Time, wherein a man who makes his living oiling his body and wrestling other men while wearing nothing but short shorts reveals that he is indeed a proud Homo-American. Meet Darren Young, a superstar of the World Wrestling Entertainment organization. While passing through the baggage claim at Los Angeles International Airport yesterday, a TMZ cameraman stopped to chat and wound up with quite a scoop: “A videographer stopped Young while he was getting his bags at LAX Wednesday and asked the 33-year-old if he thinks a gay wrestler could be successful within the WWE organization. ‘Absolutely,’ Young said, laughing. ‘Look at me. I’m a WWE Superstar and, to be honest with you, I’ll tell you right now, I’m gay, and I’m happy. Very happy.'” Read more on Friday Nice Time: WWE Wrestler Exits Closet, What Are You Gonna Do About It?…
  boooo ... urns!

Which Gay One-Legged Iraq War Veterans Are We Booing In San Antonio Today?

My my, San Antonio, you certainly are getting “Wonkette famous” this morning! First we listened to that fun secret recording of Councilwoman Elisa Chan’s staff trying to figure out how to keep their thoughts on dog-marrying and cat-marrying from getting out into the general public. And now comes word that at Wednesday’s City Council meeting, where the topic was an apparently “controversial” proposed addition to the city’s nondiscrimination law, y’all booed at a gay veteran who lost his leg in Iraq! Man, you guys are really winning friends and influencing people! Read more on Which Gay One-Legged Iraq War Veterans Are We Booing In San Antonio Today?…
  san francisco values

Listen To A Bunch Of Idiots On San Antonio Councilwoman’s Staff Try To Figure Out: What Makes A Gay?

San Antonio Councilwoman Elisa Chan just does not understand these disgusting teh gheyz and their gay sex in the butt and why they should adopt the children and other things, because seeing two women kissing confuses the childrens and is against nature, whatever. But she does not want to beat up on teh gheyz, so she hopes her staff will help her throw in some confusion into the issue of a nondiscrimination ordinance so that she does not have to state in front of other people how disgusting she finds the homosexing. Cool cool, that’s cool. Read more on Listen To A Bunch Of Idiots On San Antonio Councilwoman’s Staff Try To Figure Out: What Makes A Gay?…
  do it in the butt

Should Gay Marriage Be Outlawed Because Gays Can’t Sex Each Other In Missionary? Your Wonkette Investigates

We thought we had heard all the excuses for why gay people should be denied the right to get married, but this is a new one: An anti-gay politico in Mexico, Ana María Jiménez Ortiz, has determined that gay people should not get marriage because gay people do not face one another during sex: “Marriage should only be considered as those relationships in which the members have sex facing each other, which does not occur between homosexual couples.” This raises all sorts of important questions, and your Wonket intends to get to the bottom of them. Read more on Should Gay Marriage Be Outlawed Because Gays Can’t Sex Each Other In Missionary? Your Wonkette Investigates…
  inquiring minds don't actually give a shit

How Is Obama Secretly Gaying Today?

Everyone knows Barack Obama is probably secretly a gay homosexual gay. It’s just so obvious, isn’t it, what with his, like, probably gayness? He sure sets off Fox “News” mouth-breather and Brooklyn food co-op enthusiast Todd Starnes’s gaydar (which, um, we thought only other gays and their single-lady hags-we-mean-allies had, so, uh, what does that say about Starnes, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?) but anyhoo, when he’s not fighting Creeping ShariaTM, he’s looking out for Obama’s gay so you don’t have to, not that you would because you have better things to do, like watch paint dry or alphabetize your M&Ms: On August 9, President Obama stated his opposition to Russia’s strict anti-gay laws, which could threaten openly gay Olympians and visitors during the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi. At a press conference, Obama said “nobody’s more offended than me by some of the anti-gay and -lesbian legislation that we’ve been seeing in Russia.” Starnes – who has become Fox News’ resident mouthpiece for anti-gay hate groups – used Obama’s comment to suggest the president might be admitting to being gay[.] Well, ZOMG! and shit. The president is offended by a blatantly bigoted policy, which must mean he’s a secret homosexual, because what else could it mean? Certainly not that he was offended by a blatantly bigoted policy; that’s too obvious. Read more on How Is Obama Secretly Gaying Today?…
  don't trust anyone over 30

New Pope Wants Kids Wilding In The Streets

Here is a gay fever dream I wrote for you. New Pope is wildin’ out! Way down in nutty Brazil-land, New Pope continues to New Pope it up in his trademark New Pope style: visitin’ prisoners, ridin’ around in an open-air car thing, yellin’ at rich people to do more for po’ folk. (And please peep this photo of these hot young chicks Beliebering out over the pontiff.) And the other day, he said a thing that is decidedly punk rawk (you know, for a pope): Earlier, in an interview with the O Globo broadcasting network in Rio, he again voiced support for young demonstrators who have been protesting excessive government spending and the lack of education and health services. “A young person who does not protest, I do not like,” the pope said. Ha-ha, fooled you, godless liberal pond scum! You thought your authoress was going to talk about the chill thing New Pope said about gays, but whoa no, she took a sharp left turn because she is a maverick like Smilin’ Joe Biden and will not conform to your tired expectations! Nor will this New Pope, for that matter. Read more on New Pope Wants Kids Wilding In The Streets…
  baptize your dead! baptize your dead!

Gay Satanists Pull A Romney All Over Fred Phelps’s Mom

Do you see these pretty ladies kissing, on the grave of Fred Phelps’s mom? Well, BOOM! Now she is gay, in the afterlife. It is true, according to the Satanic Temple, and if you can’t believe the Satanic Temple, who can you believe? But is there more? Yes, there is more! Read more on Gay Satanists Pull A Romney All Over Fred Phelps’s Mom…
  can we get a ruling on whether it was germane?

Pennsylvania Rep Shuts Gay Democrat’s Mouth For Him

Sup Pennsylvania? Oh, you were just there in your legislature, having your regular old “let’s all get up and jaw about something,” like US House members get to do for the CSPAN cameras when everyone else has gone home for the night, and some GAY tried to talk about the Supreme Court and DOMA? Well, we surely do hope someone shut his mouth for him, for Jesus. Praise the lord, our prayers were answered! Newsworks reports that a gay Dem (as if that is not redundant), Rep. Brian Sims, was trying to stand up and yak and yak about equality, or love, or freedom, or, we don’t know, a HISTORIC SUPREME COURT DECISION that AFFECTS LOTS OF MERKINS, when a True Patriot objected to his remarks, and so Sims was allowed the opportunity to not talk anymore! It takes just one legislator to end the impromptu remarks. Rep. Daryl Metcalfe was one of the House Republicans who objected. “I did not believe that as a member of that body that I should allow someone to make comments such as he was preparing to make that ultimately were just open rebellion against what the word of God has said, what God has said, and just open rebellion against God’s law,” said Metcalfe, R-Butler. Two more Democratic legislators got up to speak in support of Sims. Neither was allowed to proceed. Read more on Pennsylvania Rep Shuts Gay Democrat’s Mouth For Him…