Once upon a time, a brilliant young Yale Law graduate stood poised to bring new vigor, hope, and innovation to American politics — but 35 years of experience have compacted this idealistic upstart into a bejowled diamond of Hate. Want proof? As recently as 1992, Hillary Clinton was exchanging suspiciously human-sounding pleasantries with homeless people!
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Gavin Newsom is San Francisco’s smarmily handsome alcoholic cult-leader mayor who fucks the wives of his best friends and generally acts like a douchesack, but at least he killed most of the homeless so you can now walk around for half a block without being assaulted by a legless drug addict spewing diarrhea in the street. Anyway, enjoy our latest Nadine and his careful critique of the Newsom Administration.
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If you see a disheveled teen-aged panda around Union Station, stinking of urine and crack fumes, that’s the once-popular Butterstick. Everybody knows babies don’t stay “adorable” for long, but the burn rate is even faster for our animal friends because they live “dog years” or something. And there’s always a new, younger, cuter animal ready to take the title of World’s Most Adorable Critter.
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A human skull and femurs were found in a cauldron by 
Because the whole “counting people” thing is played out, the Census Bureau is now working on important problems, such as making you return the shopping carts sitting around your neighborhood. It’s national return-the-shopping-cart month!We’ve all seen them and wondered how they got there — a supermarket shopping cart, sitting forlornly along a residential street, far from the nearest grocery store. Was it a prank, or someone who walked to the store and bought more than they could carry? Either way, this is Return Shopping Carts to the Supermarket Month — including milk crates and bread trays.This is great. Nobody at the Census Bureau knows why shopping carts are everywhere. It’s because there are millions of hobos who use shopping carts to carry blankets and recyclables. Or maybe it’s just a “prank.” Anyway, make sure to help out! After all, it’s your duty as an American to help supermarket corporate profits! More »
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