Remember the stirring tale of the American Patriot who stood up to the idiots by writing “Kip Hawley is an idiot” on his ziploc bag full of hair gel? MORE »

The latest outrage from Abteilung der Heimatsicherheit: On-duty Border Patrol agents visited by members of Congress have to send a “significant event report” to their Inspektoren. MORE »

Responding to our exciting post about unsubstantiated TSA screening rumors, a Homeland Security Insider tells us it could be very, very ugly:

I have heard that TSA will be banning all electronics, to include cell phones. Of course, I immediately laughed that one off. Have you ever tried prying the phone from a Member of Congress? They seriously expect people to check their phones and Palms? There is no way they’ll let that happen. Well, except for the fact that the leadership at DHS is all about overreacting to the small stuff.

Also, I think a case could be made for not allowing them to ban our iPods and other forms of human-interaction-avoidance. It would be cruel and unusual punishment to relegate us to the “radio” stations currently playing on airlines, not to mention a hygiene issue with all those reused headphones. Blech.

EARLIER: Wonkette Needs YOU To Spread Fear

A Wonkette operative writes today, “Upon complaining to my local airport screener this a.m. about the absurd security formalities, he volunteers, ‘Wait until you see what they are going to roll out next week.’” MORE »

The pressure of wasting billions of dollars per week on nonsensical “Homeland Security” programs can take its toll in many ways, like trying to seduce children online by sending pornographic videos of yourself … from DHS computers.

Read the whole rancid story, after the jump.

MORE »

Michael Chertoff rented this tux, because the terrorists wanted him to buy. (Photo by Liz Gorman)

Congress and the American public must accept that the government cannot protect every possible target against attack if it wants to avoid fulfilling Al Qaeda’s goal of bankrupting the nation, Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff told a Senate committee Tuesday.

MORE »

Photo Credit: Washington Post MORE »

Best story of the week: MORE »

• Ever wonder what passive-aggressive uptight agriculture administrators do when they boil over? Now you know.

• Katherine Harris’s senate campaign reminds us of a kitchy 60’s feminist empowerment fantasy but we’re not sure which one. Oh well, there’s not many better ways to spend a weekend then smoking a joint and watching them all.
• When times are desperate, and you just have to meet Tim Russert, you might want to try showing up on Nebraska Ave. Sunday morning - you know what time - with a nice floral arrangement and a card addressed to, “the most interesting and important man on television.” We’re not sayin’, we’re just sayin’.
• As the Vanity Fair cover fades from memory, Joe Wilson and Valerie Plame decide it’s time to get theirs, hold press conference to let us know. Dick Cheney is shaking in his Allen Edmonds.
• Thanks to Arlen Specter using his “serious face” in negotiations with the White House, a secret court is now allowed to put it’s quarter in the slot and get a 30 second peek at the steamy domestic spying program.
• Is this heaven Osama? No. It’s Indiana, the place where terrorists’ dreams come true.
• We love going Bananas for the semi-monthly “Castro’s dead” rumors.
• The National Press Club makes an honest reporter out of the new and improved Jeff Gannon.
• Wonk’d, Washington’s celebrity sighting column of record, is entered as “Exhibit-W” in the trial for infamous Duke “laxer” Collin Finnerty.

Logo courtesy CBS and the AP, and we’re only crediting them out of the hope that they’ll feel a little embarrassment. MORE »

What to do when your FOIA request turns up boring documents? Seize on that most satisfying of criticisms, the typo. As Raw Story has done, delightfully, with Michael Brown’s application to work for FEMA. Below, a sample of Brown’s application (helpful proofreading marks provided by us at no additional cost):

And, hilariously, they did it again on the next page. Simple error? More likely: FEMA’s subconscious demonstration of resentment at losing its independence to a de[a]partment that, while a completely useless and nightmarish bureaucratic cesspool of money, you’d hope has a few secretaries on staff who can proofread these things. MORE »