Wonkette

Those crazy numbskulls at the Department of Homeland Security are finally being moved to a mental hospital — all of them, forever! Sadly, the move will not begin until 2011, when America is nothing but a massive smoldering ruin. In a bold admission of the absolute incompetence that defines DHS, officials suspect it will take at least three years to complete the move. MORE »

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Al Gore: former Vice President, Oscar-winner, puffy cartoon voice actor… terrorist? That’s the question we’re forced to ask after learning that he tried his damnedest to sneak onto a flight in Tennessee without going through the proper security screening. MORE »

You know those traffic-counting gizmos that city workers string across streets to figure out how many vehicles are passing? Well, the brave anti-terrorism officials of Boston most certainly do not know of these common devices — so they shut down the city today, again, and blew up the traffic counter. You know, the traffic counter the City of Boston was paying for …. MORE »

A brave stewardess has been trying to expose a terrible terrorist jet-toilet conspiracy, but airline pilots, TSA air marshals and federal law enforcement agents just laugh at her crusade.

It all started when she was tidying up the bathroom in the coach section of a 757 flying across the country in February 2005 — and if you believe a stewardess would actually clean up the filthy coach lavatory en route, you’ll likely believe the rest of this weirdo story. All is revealed, after the jump.

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Crooked thug Bernard Kerik was denied his chance to run Homeland Security like some mafia fiefdom, but that doesn’t mean his career is totally finished. Kerik’s going to Guyana, where he’ll be the local president’s tough guy. MORE »

Because the Homeland Security bureaucrats are always plotting against Americans and our precious freedoms, a lack of crazy terrorist make-believe schemes in the news does not mean air travel should suddenly be anything but a miserable nightmare. MORE »

Remember the stirring tale of the American Patriot who stood up to the idiots by writing “Kip Hawley is an idiot” on his ziploc bag full of hair gel? MORE »

The latest outrage from Abteilung der Heimatsicherheit: On-duty Border Patrol agents visited by members of Congress have to send a “significant event report” to their Inspektoren. MORE »

Responding to our exciting post about unsubstantiated TSA screening rumors, a Homeland Security Insider tells us it could be very, very ugly:

I have heard that TSA will be banning all electronics, to include cell phones. Of course, I immediately laughed that one off. Have you ever tried prying the phone from a Member of Congress? They seriously expect people to check their phones and Palms? There is no way they’ll let that happen. Well, except for the fact that the leadership at DHS is all about overreacting to the small stuff.

Also, I think a case could be made for not allowing them to ban our iPods and other forms of human-interaction-avoidance. It would be cruel and unusual punishment to relegate us to the “radio” stations currently playing on airlines, not to mention a hygiene issue with all those reused headphones. Blech.

EARLIER: Wonkette Needs YOU To Spread Fear

A Wonkette operative writes today, “Upon complaining to my local airport screener this a.m. about the absurd security formalities, he volunteers, ‘Wait until you see what they are going to roll out next week.’” MORE »