While Osama bin Laden continues to veg in some Pakistani anus pit, Homeland Security officials are turning their attention to treacherous biological agents in the United States: NASCAR fans. According to the Charlotte Observer, the House Homeland Security Committee recently planned a “fact-finding trip about public health preparedness at mass gatherings,” an intrusion that robber barons from the 1880s would surely smash their monocles over. Of course the massiest of gatherings our country ever sees are NASCAR races, where every attendee has death fever, AIDS or some other shit. Knowing this, the staffers preparing the trip suggested that all researchers going to races “get a range of vaccines before attending,” namely hepatitis A, hepatitis B, tetanus, diphtheria and influenza.

Sounds like some paranoid staffers have been playing too much Oregon Trail.

Congress Considers Concord Hazardous? [Charlotte Observer]
Photo via Light on Pixels

Back in the good old days, hippies used to thrive on physical conflict with the brave, short-haired men of our police and national guard. At protests against the Vietnam War, getting your pot-addled head busted open by a police baton was a badge of honor. That’s why you egged the lawmen on to violence by throwing feces at them! MORE »

Gruesome biological freak and Minister of Fear Mongering Michael Chertoff has a new message today that contradicts his earlier message this week, about The Terror coming to kill us all because Terror, like the Beach Boys, loves summertime. MORE »

Al-Qaeda personally calls Brian Ross on his prop phone to confirm reports from Mike Chertoff’s gut. [The Blotter]

Those crazy numbskulls at the Department of Homeland Security are finally being moved to a mental hospital — all of them, forever! Sadly, the move will not begin until 2011, when America is nothing but a massive smoldering ruin. In a bold admission of the absolute incompetence that defines DHS, officials suspect it will take at least three years to complete the move. MORE »

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Al Gore: former Vice President, Oscar-winner, puffy cartoon voice actor… terrorist? That’s the question we’re forced to ask after learning that he tried his damnedest to sneak onto a flight in Tennessee without going through the proper security screening. MORE »

You know those traffic-counting gizmos that city workers string across streets to figure out how many vehicles are passing? Well, the brave anti-terrorism officials of Boston most certainly do not know of these common devices — so they shut down the city today, again, and blew up the traffic counter. You know, the traffic counter the City of Boston was paying for …. MORE »

A brave stewardess has been trying to expose a terrible terrorist jet-toilet conspiracy, but airline pilots, TSA air marshals and federal law enforcement agents just laugh at her crusade.

It all started when she was tidying up the bathroom in the coach section of a 757 flying across the country in February 2005 — and if you believe a stewardess would actually clean up the filthy coach lavatory en route, you’ll likely believe the rest of this weirdo story. All is revealed, after the jump.

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Crooked thug Bernard Kerik was denied his chance to run Homeland Security like some mafia fiefdom, but that doesn’t mean his career is totally finished. Kerik’s going to Guyana, where he’ll be the local president’s tough guy. MORE »

Because the Homeland Security bureaucrats are always plotting against Americans and our precious freedoms, a lack of crazy terrorist make-believe schemes in the news does not mean air travel should suddenly be anything but a miserable nightmare. MORE »