homeland security
Looks Like Glenn Beck Has At Least Four Listeners In The House Who Want To Know About Saudi ‘Bomber’
As the world waits on its tenterhooks — which are surprisingly comfortable, and shaped liked a sofa — for Glenn Beck to release his DAMNING EVIDENCE about the US government coverup of the SAUDI NATIONAL who has already been cleared in the matter of the Boston Bombing, we learn that Beck has at least four [...]
What Happens Next Time We’re Attacked?
Four days after the bombing of the Boston marathon and 22 hours after a police officer was killed on the M.I.T. campus, one of the suspects is dead and the other is hospitalized and in some sort of detention that does not involve Miranda rights. A communal breath is taken, after the closest a nation [...]
What’s Really Behind the Nationwide Raids Against #OWS
For a decade now, the Department of Homeland Security has coordinated the law enforcement efforts of America’s major cities, both through the U.S. Conference of Mayors and through a direct network of the nation’s big city police chiefs. And yet, there was widespread “mainstream media” suspicion when reports surfaced of coordinated national assaults against the [...]
Surprise, Homeland Security Coordinates #OWS Crackdowns
Remember when people were freaking out over the Patriot Act and Homeland Security and all this other conveniently ready-to-go post-9/11 police state stuff, because it would obviously be just a matter of time before the whole apparatus was turned against non-Muslim Americans when they started getting complain-y about the social injustice and economic injustice and [...]
Janet Napolitano Has Seen The Promised Land And It Is Barefoot-Optional
Airport psychic Janet Napolitano was listening to the planes go by from the food court, staring into her magic crystal homeland security ball, when she heard a Voice from the Future! It said, “Keep your shoes on, America.” Air travelers will eventually be able to keep their shoes on to pass through security, but the [...]
Terrorists Not Nearly as Good at Killing People as Dogs
Either we are doing a TERRIFIC job keeping those terrorists away, ha ha, OR we are not spending nearly enough money on the real threats in this country. It sounds like maybe it is the latter, because people are just dropping dead everywhere, from things like “dog bites,” instead of at the hands of evil [...]
Government-Funded ‘Terrorism Experts’ Just Guys Who Hate Islam
As the weather gets warmer, it’s time for Americans across the land to go out in the sun, get (their scooters) some exercise, and return to hating Muslims, so here’s your third post of the day on this exciting, innovative movement. Our country, as we all know, is still pretty certain a terrorist attack is [...]
U.S. Finally Ending Pretty Terrorism Colors
That tremendous waste of resources known as the “Homeland Security Advisory System,” a color-coded chart letting you know how many times you will be murdered by a terrorist today, is finally being phased out by the Obama administration. It’s a sad day for fear. That chart may look like the keys on a toddler’s xylophone, [...]
TGIF: Terror Threat Level So Frickin’ High Tonight, It Thinks It’s God Now
You know how you know when a constant terror threat level alert is working? When people actually go so crazy that they start sending packages that “ignite and smoke” to the head of the Homeland Security Safety Mall Corporation. This is really going on! People in Maryland are sending smoke bombs addressed to Janet Napolitano [...]
Peter King: I’m No Bigot; Here Are Some Bigoted Things I Believe
Rep. Peter King is going to be the new chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee next month, but some people (i.e., terrorists) have a problem with this, because Peter King has a habit of saying really bigoted things about Muslims. This hurt Peter King’s feelings so much that he got all defensive and penned [...]
Napolitano Sticking Hidden Cameras In Wingnuts’ Dorito Bags At Wal-Mart
Secretary Janet Napolitano recently announced an expansion of the “If You See Something, Say Something” campaign, because that is the sort of thing bureaucratic organizations do. But this struck fear into the hearts of certain wingnuts that are watching her closely these days, as she is not one of their beloved Republican Homeland Security secretaries, [...]
Homeland Security Deputizes All WalMart Shoppers To Stop Terrorists
While standing (or riding a Rascal) in line at WalMart behind a massive shopping cart full of huge novelty popcorn containers and corn syrup buckets this holiday season, America’s defeated shoppers will get a very special message from the nice lady at Homeland Security. Apparently stung by criticism that she’s only dedicated to humiliation and [...]
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