Wonkette

You’ve heard about the Montauk Monster and the terrible secret government laboratory on Plum Island, but what will our Leaders do to stop the reign of biological terror from the Department of Homeland Security’s Monster Island? Even Hillary Clinton is frightened! MORE »

When a terrible monster was found washed up on the beach near Montauk, New York, on July 12, the local newspaper speculated that the mutant beast escaped from Plum Island Animal Disease Center, the top secret government lab known as “Monster Island.” Wonkette has since learned that the Biosafety Level 3 (or Level 4) facility was taken over by the Department of Homeland Security in 2003, has had numerous biohazard accidents in recent years, was investigated by the House last year, is no longer patrolled by Federal Protective Services police, and has been the subject of environmental sabotage by government contractors. Worse, the Bush Administration is currently trying to shut down the island laboratory and replace it with a monster lab on the U.S. mainland, where the deadly diseases could easily spread to livestock and people. MORE »

Homeland Security Secretary-demon Michael Chertoff is announcing a new spy program while an enlarged demon THAT IS ALSO MICHAEL CHERTOFF is spying on him. Which demon version of Michael Chertoff is spying on you?? [Washington Post]

Another loser official from the Bush Administration is stepping down to spend time with the family, but there’s something especially funny about the departure of Emilio Gonzalez from the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services agency — because Gonzalez wrote a big whiny blog post (on the Department of Homeland Security blog, of course) about how the New York Times called him a loser! And then about a million people with varying degrees of English-as-a-Second-Language proficiency left hilarious comments! MORE »

A defecating terrorist invaded the heart of American democracy on Sunday and literally crapped all over it. St. Paul police reported that a shitmonger breached the defenses of the mighty Minnesota Homeland Security and Emergency Management building and pooped in several rooms before prancing off into the night. MORE »

We love Fran Townsend, Bush’s Homeland Security spokesmodel, known more for her hotness than her ability to do her job. The Washington Post’s Mary Ann Akers reports today that Townsend was recently spotted having drinks at the Mayflower with, of all people, Philippe Reines, who is not only Hillary Clinton’s Senate spokesman, but also has a perfectly normal name spelled the French way, which proves that he’s also a America-hating pinko terrorist (as if working for Clinton doesn’t already prove that). Akers wonders what on Earth the two could possibly be doing there together, advancing all kinds of possible explanations, most of them pretty uninteresting. Mary Ann, we’ll make it easier, because we know you can’t say this in the Post: they’re obviously totally fucking. MORE »

While Osama bin Laden continues to veg in some Pakistani anus pit, Homeland Security officials are turning their attention to treacherous biological agents in the United States: NASCAR fans. According to the Charlotte Observer, the House Homeland Security Committee recently planned a “fact-finding trip about public health preparedness at mass gatherings,” an intrusion that robber barons from the 1880s would surely smash their monocles over. Of course the massiest of gatherings our country ever sees are NASCAR races, where every attendee has death fever, AIDS or some other shit. Knowing this, the staffers preparing the trip suggested that all researchers going to races “get a range of vaccines before attending,” namely hepatitis A, hepatitis B, tetanus, diphtheria and influenza.

Sounds like some paranoid staffers have been playing too much Oregon Trail.

Congress Considers Concord Hazardous? [Charlotte Observer]
Photo via Light on Pixels

Back in the good old days, hippies used to thrive on physical conflict with the brave, short-haired men of our police and national guard. At protests against the Vietnam War, getting your pot-addled head busted open by a police baton was a badge of honor. That’s why you egged the lawmen on to violence by throwing feces at them! MORE »

Gruesome biological freak and Minister of Fear Mongering Michael Chertoff has a new message today that contradicts his earlier message this week, about The Terror coming to kill us all because Terror, like the Beach Boys, loves summertime. MORE »

Al-Qaeda personally calls Brian Ross on his prop phone to confirm reports from Mike Chertoff’s gut. [The Blotter]

Those crazy numbskulls at the Department of Homeland Security are finally being moved to a mental hospital — all of them, forever! Sadly, the move will not begin until 2011, when America is nothing but a massive smoldering ruin. In a bold admission of the absolute incompetence that defines DHS, officials suspect it will take at least three years to complete the move. MORE »

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Al Gore: former Vice President, Oscar-winner, puffy cartoon voice actor… terrorist? That’s the question we’re forced to ask after learning that he tried his damnedest to sneak onto a flight in Tennessee without going through the proper security screening. MORE »

You know those traffic-counting gizmos that city workers string across streets to figure out how many vehicles are passing? Well, the brave anti-terrorism officials of Boston most certainly do not know of these common devices — so they shut down the city today, again, and blew up the traffic counter. You know, the traffic counter the City of Boston was paying for …. MORE »