House Republicans now want Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano fired after her department released that memo warning of the “fertile recruiting environment for right-wing extremists” that America has become due to the loss of all national wealth, the black president, shitty immigration policy, and the general idiocy of many American citizens. While the memo was initiated during the Bush administration and followed the release of another memo in January warning about left-wing extremists, Republicans are claiming that Napolitano wants to arrest them all — the entire conservative wing of the country — for some petty partisan non-issue grounded in no factual evidence whatsoever. As Tex Rep. John Carter says above, dadgummit, FAHHR DAT WOMAN. And after the jump, a familiar Congresswoman gets her say as well… MORE »

The war on terror is over, and America won! Here is proof, in the form of a rusty emergency box directly outside the Longworth House Office Building on Capitol Hill. If any homeland security threats remained, this box would surely be unblemished, maybe even operational! MORE »

Ha ha, it’s funny because the mutant overlord Michael Chertoff is the Secretary of Homeland Security, which includes Immigration and Customs Enforcement, and unbeknownst to him some ILLEGAL ALIENS snuck in and cleaned his house! Have you ever heard of such an outrageous thing in your life, that illegal immigrants might work for large housecleaning services? MORE »

Loveable Pennsylvania Gov. Ed Rendell has opened his fat trap yet again, this time on a hot mic, to celebrate the selection of Arizona Gov. Janet Napolitano as Secretary of Homeland Security. He tells a friend that she’ll do well because she’s a fucking unmarried childless loser: “Janet’s perfect for that job. Because for that job, you have to have no life. Janet has no family. Perfect. She can devote, literally, 19, 20 hours a day to it.” Because what the hell else does she have to do, cry all day like a baby, which, again, she’s never had? Does she even have one friend, anywhere?? Also: what is this “thing” that Campbell Brown is doing now, “Cutting Through The Bull.” CNN has no business Dobbsifying this nice lady. [YouTube, Philly Inquirer]

Time for everybody to stop hating Joe Lieberman, because he is not getting punished at all for calling the current president and majority party a bunch of fags every day for the past two years. According to Politico, “Sens. Chris Dodd (D-Conn.), Ken Salazar (D-Colo.), Tom Carper (D-Del.) and Bill Nelson (D-Fla.) are all involved in the effort” of telling other Senators to support clemency for Lieberman in next week’s caucus vote on stripping him from his Homeland Security chairmanship and/or other committee assignments. Well here is a Third Way: vote to send Lieberman to his precious Iraq and its War, as a private. No wait wait — Afghanistan. That one’s worse now isn’t it? Send him to that one. The Afghanistan War. Or Darfur. [Politico]

You’ve heard about the Montauk Monster and the terrible secret government laboratory on Plum Island, but what will our Leaders do to stop the reign of biological terror from the Department of Homeland Security’s Monster Island? Even Hillary Clinton is frightened! MORE »

When a terrible monster was found washed up on the beach near Montauk, New York, on July 12, the local newspaper speculated that the mutant beast escaped from Plum Island Animal Disease Center, the top secret government lab known as “Monster Island.” Wonkette has since learned that the Biosafety Level 3 (or Level 4) facility was taken over by the Department of Homeland Security in 2003, has had numerous biohazard accidents in recent years, was investigated by the House last year, is no longer patrolled by Federal Protective Services police, and has been the subject of environmental sabotage by government contractors. Worse, the Bush Administration is currently trying to shut down the island laboratory and replace it with a monster lab on the U.S. mainland, where the deadly diseases could easily spread to livestock and people. MORE »

Homeland Security Secretary-demon Michael Chertoff is announcing a new spy program while an enlarged demon THAT IS ALSO MICHAEL CHERTOFF is spying on him. Which demon version of Michael Chertoff is spying on you?? [Washington Post]

Another loser official from the Bush Administration is stepping down to spend time with the family, but there’s something especially funny about the departure of Emilio Gonzalez from the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services agency — because Gonzalez wrote a big whiny blog post (on the Department of Homeland Security blog, of course) about how the New York Times called him a loser! And then about a million people with varying degrees of English-as-a-Second-Language proficiency left hilarious comments! MORE »

A defecating terrorist invaded the heart of American democracy on Sunday and literally crapped all over it. St. Paul police reported that a shitmonger breached the defenses of the mighty Minnesota Homeland Security and Emergency Management building and pooped in several rooms before prancing off into the night. MORE »

We love Fran Townsend, Bush’s Homeland Security spokesmodel, known more for her hotness than her ability to do her job. The Washington Post’s Mary Ann Akers reports today that Townsend was recently spotted having drinks at the Mayflower with, of all people, Philippe Reines, who is not only Hillary Clinton’s Senate spokesman, but also has a perfectly normal name spelled the French way, which proves that he’s also a America-hating pinko terrorist (as if working for Clinton doesn’t already prove that). Akers wonders what on Earth the two could possibly be doing there together, advancing all kinds of possible explanations, most of them pretty uninteresting. Mary Ann, we’ll make it easier, because we know you can’t say this in the Post: they’re obviously totally fucking. MORE »