The batshit crazy Washington Times published a hilarious column from creepy actor Jon Voight yesterday, and we missed it, because who reads the fucking Moonie Times, right? Fortunately a tipster has sent us the article and good freaking lord: “The Democratic Party, in its quest for power, has managed a propaganda campaign with subliminal messages, creating a God-like figure in a man who falls short in every way. It seems to me that if Mr. Obama wins the presidential election, then Messrs. Farrakhan, Wright, Ayers and Pfleger will gain power for their need to demoralize this country and help create a socialist America.” Many trees were killed so that they could be soaked in this ink. MORE »

Oh sure, the stylish basketball star and Ivy League lawyer Barack Obama is loved by all the Hollywood celebrities (and world leaders and leading billionaires and Bob Dylan and all the voters), but even weary old rape-humorist John McCain can claim a little bit of L.A. glitter. Do you remember the hit ’70s surfing sitcom Magnum P.I., about a crusty old Englishman and his mustachioed boy toy? No? Well, that guy (Tom Selleck) is one of, uh, four forgotten Hollywood starlets who have donated some money to McCain’s Titanic. MORE »

John McCain is doing his best to romance The Hollywoods, but he has found few wealthy gay liberals willing to listen to his uplifting message of war without end. As a result, he has only been able to raise a few paltry dollars from the D list’s D list — Ben Stein, Dick Van Patten, and an assortment of other balding losers who were on a TV show once. Why is Hollywood so ageist against physically and mentally deteriorating old warmongers?

McCain is hoping that he’ll be able to snare support from disaffected southern California Clintards once Hillary drops out of the race. Of course, they’ll have to overlook the fact that he hates abortion, healthcare, peace, and other things that your mom cares about. Will McCain’s crazy plan work? Probably not, which is why he’ll waste millions of dollars and months pursuing the Hollywood vote — there’s nothing he loves more than a losing cause.

Here’s what sad old Dick Van Patten (who to his credit makes some top-notch dog food) has to say about being a McCain supporter in Hollywood: “I’m all alone … I feel isolated. Nobody agrees with me.”

Straight Talk Express stalls in Hollywood [Politico]

RON PAUL MUST HELP BLACK VAMPIRE TAX HERO! The Feds threw the book at American cinema/tax hero Wesley Snipes! Three Years for just evading income taxes and escaping to Africa. FREE WESLEY SNIPES! [New York Times]

Movie hero Wesley Snipes is beloved by Americans for killing vampires and helping Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis colonize space planets for the American Dream, but now the Evil American Government is trying to destroy him for protecting your tax rights! The celebrity star is in Florida today so a federal court can sentence him for tax evasion. The feds want to put him in jail for three years! But Denzel Washington and Woody Harrelson have arrived in Florida and they are going to bust him out of the joint, hooray! UPDATE: Nooooooo! Three Years! [CNN/Ocala.com]

Grampa Freddy Thompson, the former terrible presidential candidate, has seen his masterful get-rich-quick scheme come full circle — be a small character actor, run for president of the United States for a few months, return as lead A-list Movie Star. He has signed a deal with the William Morris talent agency and, with his new name recognition, will probably be starring in many of this summer’s magnificent blockbusters. Wait, who? [Reuters]

Even though it was the 800th debate in the last 24 hours, and it overlapped with the premiere of Lost, the Hollywood Liberals Debate last night “drew 8,324,000 million total viewers, making it the most-watched primary debate in cable news history, and the second-most watched on TV this election cycle (ABC’s Democratic debate on Jan. 5 drew 9,360,000).” John Edwards was not one of these 8.3 million people tuning in, as it was his first night shift back at his old employer, The Mill. [TV Newser]

Variety recently looked at who the Hollywood power elite support. Who knew glittery power ballad singer Barry Manilow backed Biden? Apparently he’s a fanilow! After the jump, see who’s straddling the fence and hedging their bets: MORE »

Hollywood glossy Fade In has entered the political slipstream with celebrity one-on-one interviews with presidential candidates. In its current issue, the mag teams Gigli star Ben Affleck with Hillary Clinton, grinning coke monkey Oliver Stone and John (His hair was perfect) Edwards, and Bermudian Michael Douglas with the overlooked and understated Bill Richardson. Celebrities and Politicians? Hmmm…if only we could tap that sort of synergy! We could, like, launch a magazine named after a president or something. MORE »

Today, flags are at half mast — including Ronnie’s, in this undated publicity photo — and America is mourning as we say a fond farewell to America’s First Lady, actress Jane Wyman. Ms. Wyman was one of the wives of our greatest president, Ronald Reagan, before he replaced her with Nancy “Reagan” Davis. MORE »

We’re always terribly excited when Washington gets some real Hollywood star power — who doesn’t get a little thrill from spotting a celebrity in our neck of the woods? We know we’re thrilled to report this list of Tinseltown stars hanging around our humble district today: MORE »