Boys and girls, it’s a Thanksgiving miracle — six days early! Our beloved Fred Thompson, the languid, pedicured Southern dandy who made a very sleepy run at the Presidency for about two weeks before returning to his cognacs and backgammon games and expensive Italian colognes, has surfaced again! Even better, he has surfaced to announce his retirement from awful dull vulgar politics. MORE »

Hollywood Fred Thompson is such a dull old slob that he can’t even get a roomful of his own supporters to acknowledge the end of whatever boring-ass clueless jabbering he forced them to hear. Hey, Jeri? Maybe give him a line or two in the bathroom before he speaks, okay. And maybe go ahead and get a jacket and tie for the decrepit old sloth, too.

Fred Thompson Hits The Applause Button [Brave New Films]

Oh look, it’s Folksy Fred Thompson doing a teevee interview and he’s got a little girl on his lap for some reason and OH JESUS CHRIST SHE’S EATING A DIAPHRAGM. Okay, you can stop the clip now — we have no idea what happens after it cuts away from the charming sight of a little girl chewing on her mother’s giant diaphragm. WTF, people, WTF? Is this what happens when all the real toys are covered in Red Chinese poison lead paint?

Fred and Jeri Thompson talk to Sean Hannity [YouTube]

Well, it appears there’s literally no limit to the disturbing variations of the horrid “Obama Girl” phenomenon, as proven once again by today’s entry: “My Johnson Is For Thompson.” Thrill to some possibly gay guys washing a red truck, which is a Southern symbol of homosexuality and pro-abortion lobbying for terrorists.

My Johnson Is For Johnson [Stinky Journalism]

This week we learned that Fred Thompson’s such a staunch social conservative that he a) refuses to talk about religion because it creeps him out, b) doesn’t belong to a church congregation, c) never goes to church unless he’s visiting his old mom in Tennessee, because she likes to go to church. But that last part’s allegedly not even true, if the ever-reliable Evangelicals For Mitt website can be trusted.

The Washington Post reports that Fred Thompson only attends church when he’s in Tennessee visiting his mom. (Incidentally, she attends church where my sister attends, but she’s never seen him there.)

There you have it: Hollywood Fred either never visits his poor old mom, or when he does visit he won’t even take one hour to go to church with her — that’s how much he hates Jesus.

Church Attendance [Evangelicals For Mitt]

In another blistering attack on conservative “values” voters, Hollywood Fred Thompson told South Carolina Republicans on Sunday that he isn’t a member of a church and only attends services when he visits his elderly mom in Tennessee. Even worse, Thompson says he won’t talk about religion while campaigning because it creeps him out — remember that George Bush Junior only won the reluctant support of Republican primary voters by jabbering about Jesus all the time. MORE »

Hey everybody, a political campaign maybe was involved in putting up a website saying bad stuff about another candidate. Can you believe this? It seems that some guy put up this site PhoneyFred.org, and then it turns out the guy is the business partner of a Mitt Romney campaign official, but no way did Mitt’s campaign have anything to do with it, but even so Mitt’s campaign managed to completely disappear the entire site from the Internets. All that remains in the Google cache is one text-only page, and that will surely vanish too, so we have bravely saved the text and are posting it here for posterity. Never Forget!

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He’s back! Rudy Giuliani’s beloved YouTube campaign artist has returned with another delightful “drive around L.A. and say crazy bullshit about Republican candidates and the general political scene.” In this episode, he covers the pressing concerns of Mexicans having all the jobs, Gays having all the Republican politicians, Larry Craig’s refusal to become aroused by a hand down his pants, Mitt Romney’s sons trying to set up Larry in the airport bathroom, and other such things sure to delight Giuliani’s mouth-breathing supporters. And this time, the dude’s wearing a Tucker Carlson bowtie — wheels within wheels!

Rudy Giuliani — Not gay like Fred Thompson [YouTube]