Tag Archives: hollywood

  fever dreams can come true!

Terrible Elite Westside Jerks Now Giving Mickey Mouse Measles

Good job, anti-vaxxers
Disneyland: it’s the Most Magical Place on Earth. So magical that among recent attendees, at least 19 have been diagnosed with measles, a disease much of the planet had essentially eradicated. Despite last week’s nice time about public schools’ ability to require vaccinations because we still dabble in established science, this remains the Land of the Free and you, Jack and Janie Liberty, still get to choose if you want your child to endanger public health. That’s why we lag behind 100+ countries, including Cambodia and Burundi, when it comes to vaccinating our children. Exceptional! Read more on Terrible Elite Westside Jerks Now Giving Mickey Mouse Measles…
  Here have some news n stuff

We’re Not Even Sure Where Mexico Is, But We Can Probably Still Invade It

By the dawn of the twentieth century, the river’s recurring spring floods had dug a completely new bed for it farther south. About seven hundred acres of land that had once formed part of Mexico—the Chamizal, named for a scrubby plant that grew there—were now connected to the United States. Whether the border had shifted with the river, rounding out the war’s annexationist work, nobody knew.
Yeah, yeah, we know the cantaloupe-shaped drug mule baby migrants hopped up on birth control are invading our country (or they’re already here!) to infect us with ebola or murder our pretty white co-eds, but before House Republicans and Rick Perry send Sean Hannity down to the border to go swamp sailing, maybe we should figure out where exactly the border is: Read more on We’re Not Even Sure Where Mexico Is, But We Can Probably Still Invade It…
  I know you are but what am I?

Fox & Friends: God Hates Feminists

Attention ladies! Do you know what you want, what you really really want? Probably not, so how about you listen to these three hotties – WHOM YR WONKETTE RESPECTS FOR THEIR MINDS AS WELL AS THEIR FEMININITY – yap at you about some feminist idea or other that’s floating through their well-coiffed heads while they show some leg to the geriatric shut-ins who make up the Fox & Friends audience. Read more on Fox & Friends: God Hates Feminists…
  even more serious than halal soup

Sultan Of Brunei Getting His Sharia All Over Your Hotel Towels

So, it turns out that there are two kinds of “sharia law.” One is the kind that teabaggers and paranoids think is sneaking into all the schools because some 11th-graders in a language club said the Pledge of Allegiance in Arabic. You know, the completely imaginary kind. The other is the actual system of Islamic law that is actually really kind of strict and terrible and is practiced by reactionary tyrants because one eternal truth of politics is that you can always get away with authoritarianism if you slather it with enough godspittle. Take, for instance the Sultan of Brunei (please!), who announced last year that he would convert his oil-rich monarchy to Full Sharia Nastiness, complete with flogging, dismemberments, and stonings. Now, this may come as a surprise to American wingnuts, but while your basic progressive laughs at paranoia over imaginary creeping Sharia, that same progressive is pretty likely to not be a fan of the real thing, which is not friendly to women or to human rights. (This does not make us “hypocrites” so much as it makes us “capable of distinguishing real bad things from paranoid delusions.”) And so, as a means of protesting the imposition of real Sharia in Brunei, your Hollywood types are boycotting the Sultan’s real estate holdings, like for instance hotels owned by the Dorchester Collection, such as the Beverly Hills Hotel and the Hotel Bel-Air, and which is why we have headed this post with Sir Patrick Lobsterboy Stewart, who just a short while ago tweeted, “Absolutely delighted to learn that @20thcenturyfox has moved #XMen out of a Dorchester Group hotel for our London premiere.” We agree with Captain Jean-Luc Xavier, and frankly would get behind economic sanctions against Brunei, too. (As to whether lobsters themselves are halal or haram, we really don’t care.) Read more on Sultan Of Brunei Getting His Sharia All Over Your Hotel Towels…
  midlife crisis on infinite earths

Glenn Beck Tired Of Wasting Life, Wants To Make Movies Or Be A Cowboy Astronaut Fireman

Looks like Glenn Beck is having another of his mood swings, and has decided that everything is terrible, he’s tired of politics, and he just wants out. We feel ya, Glenn (not literally, oh no, heavens no). It can get to be a drag, especially when approached with the manic, barking terrier intensity of a Glenn Beck. But we get why he’s sick of it. It broke Ken Layne, after all. Maybe Glenn just needs to go out to the desert and commune with the tortoises for a while. He would probably get a lot out of that, FOR REAL. But instead of politics, he thinks maybe he’ll follow the example of Rick Santorum and make movies, because there’s a low-stress job. Or maybe he’ll just head up an apocalyptic death cult. No reason he can’t do both, like his role model, Frank Capra. Read more on Glenn Beck Tired Of Wasting Life, Wants To Make Movies Or Be A Cowboy Astronaut Fireman…
  it gets better

Michele Bachmann Bravely Stands Up For Oppressed Straight People Everywhere

Michele Bachmann leads a rough life. Despite being a Congresswoman, former presidential front-runner, and a national spokesperson for Crazy Eye Syndrome, she has a problem. As a straight person, she is tired of being bullied by the gays all the time. Bachmann recently went on the Lars Larson show to discuss CPAC, and discussed being the victim of bullying, via Right Wing Watch: “And the thing that I think is getting a little tiresome is the gay community have so bullied the American people and they have so intimidated politicians that politicians fear them and they think they get to dictate the agenda everywhere. Well, not with the Constitution you don’t.” When will America come to terms with the decades of oppression faced by straight people at the manicured hands of the gays? And here’s the crazy(er) part: that’s not the craziest thing she said in the interview!  Read more on Michele Bachmann Bravely Stands Up For Oppressed Straight People Everywhere…
  always kick a man when he's dead

Let Ben Shapiro Explain To You How Liberalism Killed Phillip Seymour Hoffman

Ladies and gentlemen, Conservative Thought Leader Ben Shapiro has some Thoughts on the death of Philip Seymour Hoffman. See, we thought we were rather uncharitable yesterday when we were feeling angry and resentful toward Hoffman for being an addict and throwing his life away, but now, along comes Ben Shapiro to give us a better focus for our anger — in Ben Shapiro’s strange moral universe, it is not heroin or addiction or even Philip Seymour Hoffman who’s responsible for Hoffman’s death: But his self-inflicted death is yet another hallmark of the broken leftist culture that dominates Hollywood, enabling rather than preventing the loss of some of its greatest talents. Hoffman was a liberal. He died of a drug overdose. Liberalism causes drug abuse, QED. Read more on Let Ben Shapiro Explain To You How Liberalism Killed Phillip Seymour Hoffman…
  zuzu's petals--of subversion!

History Shocker! Ayn Rand Helped FBI Find Communist Influence In ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’

Before War On Christmas 2013 fades into memory, let’s take a look at how the FBI examined a Christmas Classic for evidence of communist propaganda. According to a nifty article in Aphelis, Frank Capra’s tale of the redemptive power of sentimental glurge was listed as potentially subversive, as part of a widespread investigation into alleged communist influence in Hollywood — as if anyone needed to investigate such an obvious fact, haw haw! Read more on History Shocker! Ayn Rand Helped FBI Find Communist Influence In ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’…
  just call him sporty obama spice please

Sure, Barack, Your Dream Job Is To Host ‘SportsCenter,’ You Regular Guy, You

Oh, golly Barack, we get it, underneath all the policy wonkiness and stiffness and discomfort, you are just a regular guy, aren’t you? Which is why you’re always soundin’ so perfectly natural when you’re droppin’ your g’s. But sure, when you’re fund-raisin’ in Hollywood and sharing the stage with Disney head Robert Iger, why not throw in a “quip” about your everyday ordinary-guy aspirations? “At least I know what I want to do when I retire … host ESPN SportsCenter’s Top 10 list,” Obama quipped as he turned to Disney’s Robert Iger, whose empire includes ESPN. The highlights countdown can feature everything from major sports to bull fighting to high school basketball. Other than having a good laugh, Iger apparently didn’t respond. “Everyone had a good giggle,” says one person who attended. Read more on Sure, Barack, Your Dream Job Is To Host ‘SportsCenter,’ You Regular Guy, You…
  columns of mass stupidity

Instapundit Glenn Reynolds Will Now Dumbsplain Why Barack Obama Is Like A Black Neville Chamberlain

If there is one thing for which we can always count on the Ole Perfesser, Glenn “Instapundit” Reynolds, it is his propensity for churning out columns of such rank stupidity and willful ignorance that we wonder if all his former students might have an easily winnable class action lawsuit against him for stealing all their tuition monies in exchange for whatever “education” he pretended to impart to them. Also he’s kind of a schmuck. So let us dive into whatever this tripe is that the screeching poo-flingers of the rightwing monkey house were passing around the Intertubes yesterday, and bang our heads against our desks in a concordant symphony, for freedom: Read more on Instapundit Glenn Reynolds Will Now Dumbsplain Why Barack Obama Is Like A Black Neville Chamberlain…
  we are talking about lesbian bondage

Republicans To Meet In Hollywood Den Of Iniquity, We Feel Like We Have Heard This Somewhere Before?

We are having such a strong deja vu, fellow wonkdiddles, as the LA Times reports that the Republicans will be meeting in Hollywood because “minorities” and “50 State Strategy” and “Dean Scream” and whatnot. This is very exciting for the Republicans, apparently, who are quite busy lately explaining how brave and also crazy they are for going places that aren’t even really America! Like California, for instance, or a black college. They are basically the bravery equivalent of Patton storming Normandie (did Patton storm Normandie? We do not know, we are a girl and do not care) or Rosa Parks sitting at the front of the bus, probably. Yeah, it is probably just like that. Read more on Republicans To Meet In Hollywood Den Of Iniquity, We Feel Like We Have Heard This Somewhere Before?…
  probably scott brown's

Caption This Teabag Abortocaust Terrist Truck!

Your compatriot Limey Lizzie sends in this photo from the wilds of Holly Woode. She likes the lockbox — for firearms? — while we are partial to the sticker that says simply and elegantly “So Is Your Face.” Caption it, for a chance to have a new post in which to loiter in the comments! Read more on Caption This Teabag Abortocaust Terrist Truck!…
  quiet riots

Rad Dudes Riot For Totally Good Reason That Isn’t Stupid At All

Skateboarding is not a crime, HENGHHH? Well, that is just obviously true. Except when 1500 rad dudes break a bunch of shops and do Ollies (?) up on people’s cars for the totally good reason that isn’t stupid at all of not getting into a sold-out movie. Sounds like 500 or so someones should maybe have been told “no” a few times when they were little groms! But how else could the skateboarders have made their displeasure known besides wilding like it is the ’80s at the Puerto Rico Day Parade? Read more on Rad Dudes Riot For Totally Good Reason That Isn’t Stupid At All…
  the rated r superstar

Hollywood Liberals Conspire To Give R Rating To Children’s Film About Andrew Breitbart

Sorry, kids, but Pixar’s newest release, Hating Breitbart, will be rated R, so you will have to either sneak in with fake IDs or wait for it to appear on Encore in, oh, three months. The Daily Caller smells a conspiracy! Producers of the biographical documentary “Hating Breitbart” got news last week that their film received an “R” rating from the Motion Picture Association of America. And with that move official Hollywood, long the preserve of liberal culture warriors, has had what appears to be the last laugh on the late Andrew Breitbart. Oh, yes, the MPAA, that sterling bastion of cultural libertines. (Ask Kevin Smith about getting an NC-17 for language, right after he finishes his guest post at Pajamas Media.) Read more on Hollywood Liberals Conspire To Give R Rating To Children’s Film About Andrew Breitbart…
  whoooo gop cocaine party at the viper room

Fox News Suddenly Loves Hollywood Elitists After Clint Eastwood Yelled At A Chair

You guys, pity poor Hollie Mckay, entertainment/celebrity columnist and writer of the “Pop Tarts” column on the Fox News website! Most people in her line of work get to just wallow in America’s sleaze and degradation openly in an attempt to gin up pageviews from a bored and horny audience. But Fox News, despite their thing generally being more “we hate taxes” rather than “we hate sex,” feels a need to be at least kind of scoldy about our nation’s moral decline, which means stories like “Lindsay Lohan ‘very upset’ over fresh theft allegations, friend says she’s burning through cash” have to mix it up with “New study says full-frontal nudity on prime-time TV up 6,300 percent over last year.” Plus all those Hollywood types are so darn liberal, which it’s necessary to make fun of them over! But what if a major Hollywood icon, who, though a relative moderate, has been a public supporter of the Republican Party for his entire life, and even held elected office as a Republican, showed up at the Republican National Convention and had a weird, rambling dialogue with a piece of furniture before endorsing Mitt Romney? That would probably mean that Hollywood loves Republicans now and it’s OK to take celebrity political opinions seriously, right? Read more on Fox News Suddenly Loves Hollywood Elitists After Clint Eastwood Yelled At A Chair…
  pilot season

Thad McCotter Interrupts Tragicomic Midlife Crisis To Conquer Hollywood With Terrible Teevee Pilot

Thad McCotter’s downward spiral from Congressman/vanity presidential candidate to publicly humiliated wretch of a man continues. Unable to purchase even 50 votes at the Iowa Straw Poll or collect enough (valid) petition signatures to run for re-election, McCotter has been reduced to writing a script for a faux-variety show based on Martin Mull’s 1977 “Fernwood Tonight” that’s so popular with the kids today. Read more on Thad McCotter Interrupts Tragicomic Midlife Crisis To Conquer Hollywood With Terrible Teevee Pilot…
  silkwood shower

Ann Coulter: Hollywood Libels Businessmen By Telling Their True Stories

Ann Coulter has a guest opinioner in The Hollywood Reporter, and she has some thoughts she would like to share on that mean old Hollywood and how it is always smearing priests and WASPs and Southerners and Christians while holding up as heroes public school teachers if you can even believe it. Public school teachers! Ick! Nast! She gives a rundown on many types of characters whom H’wood is just cold besmirchin’ all the time, with small lists of the movies in which they are shamed and smeared. We do not have much to say about this, because she does things like say “small town” people are libeled with Footloose, but then, you know. Mostly she is mad that “Law & Order” is populated exclusively with white criminals, even though she saw two true crime programs where the rapers were Hispanic. (Not to mention all Law & Order’s black lady judges — which, oddly, Coulter doesn’t! It was probably edited out.) But there is one group of people Ann Coulter is especially protective towards, and that is businessmen. Why does Hollywood make villains out of businessmen, just because it is telling true stories? Businessmen (Erin Brockovich, A Civil Action, The Insider, Silkwood, Michael Clayton, every John Grisham adaptation, even The Muppets, where they reunite to save their old theater from a greedy oil tycoon! And Law & Order). Read more on Ann Coulter: Hollywood Libels Businessmen By Telling Their True Stories…
  good thing there's not a bullet point shortage

Janine Turner: Convert Your Liberal Friends To Reasonableness By Calling Them Stupid Traitors

Famous 1990s actress Janine Turner (“Northern Exposure,” “The Night of the White Pants”) has joined the other most famous lady GOPer, Victoria Jackson, in going full wingnut, as you could probably tell by this terrifying picture of her going as Nancy Reagan for Halloween except that that is always how she looks now aiyeeeee! Anyway, Ol’ Janine over there is a “writer” now for Pajamas Media, and this is very exciting, and her first column is a holy shit of a tl;dr wherein she takes apart the word “girlfriends” with each letter forming a different way to convert your idiot liberal Hollywood bitch “girlfriends” to reasonableness by explaining that they are stupid traitors. What fun! Let’s take apart some of it (it is literally a list of 63 bullet points) until we are bored! OK, it starts with an introduction where Turner explains that it is hard being a conservative Lady at a table full of blah commie Whoopie Goldbergs, and old feminist battleaxe Baba Wawas, and the talky one, you know, the Jewish one, because conservative women are too sweet and nice to stand up to them. But Turner will show you how! G: Get Reasonable. Want to teach your children that laws don’t matter? Be a Democrat. Knowledge is power and reason is a civic responsibility. Our United States Constitution is the law of the land. Democrat think the Constitution is irrelevant because it restricts them. Read more on Janine Turner: Convert Your Liberal Friends To Reasonableness By Calling Them Stupid Traitors…
  life-threatening situations

Gingrich Bus Breaks Down In West Hollywood, Everyone Laughs

Newt Gingrich is out in Los Angeles scrubbing a few rich peoples’ toilets with his tongue, for their amusement, in order to lock down whatever fat-cat money’s still out there. He got into town yesterday and what happens, of course, the bus gets a flat tire — in West Hollywood, where a great many homosexuals partake in social activity, according to Internet articles. Did these friendly gay Hollywood liberals help him? Eh, not so much. Read more on Gingrich Bus Breaks Down In West Hollywood, Everyone Laughs…
  why so serious?

Peter King Does Not Like What He Read In Maureen Dowd’s Intelligence Report

It was a foregone conclusion that a) Hollywood was going to make one of these pro-endless war propaganda films about the bin Laden raid; b) the movie will have some nice things to say about Barack Obama; c) some Republican somewhere would complain about this. Enter GOP Rep. Peter King, who is freaked out because he heard that the White House is shipping Xerox copies of all its national security secrets to Hollywood, to make sure the filmmakers can make the story as accurate as possible because that’s what Hollywood always does. What’s your source for that shocking reportage, Rep. King? Oh, Maureen Dowd? Yes, Maureen Dowd. Here is another sentence from that same column that is scaring Peter King: “Barack Obama blazed like Luke Skywalker in 2008, but he never learned to channel the Force. And now the Tea Party has run off with his light saber.” Is it possible that this information is mostly a product of Maureen Dowd’s latest fever dream breakup with her sissy on-and-off again boyfriend, Barack Obama? Read more on Peter King Does Not Like What He Read In Maureen Dowd’s Intelligence Report…
  not that anyone is surprised

Teevee MILF Learned Hard, Gross Way Not To Sleep With NY Pols

Sirens woo woo BREAKING NEWS update: did you know that 1960s New York City was dirty, and Hollywood actresses have sex? In a detail from her upcoming book that was surely picked at random, not to promote the book whatsoever, Florence “Mrs. Brady” Henderson reveals that she got the crotch crickets this one time she sexed New York City mayor John “Poor Man’s Roger Moore” Lindsay, and it was as foul and sleazy as you would expect. Typical dirty New York liberals: Read more on Teevee MILF Learned Hard, Gross Way Not To Sleep With NY Pols…