Wonkette

Here’s the trailer for An American Carol, which was first shown to the world on the O’Reilly Factor last night. Movie trailers rarely debut on Bill O’Reilly’s terrible show, but this is a conservative “spoof” movie starring the few Republican actors in Hollywood. The film’s target is the American Left as personified by Michael Moore, the fat clown no one has ever liked, except maybe 4-5 anonymous Internet commenters for a single week in 2003. The plot: Moore is trying to eliminate the Fourth of July holiday! But Gen. Frasier Crane simply cannot let him get away with this. The film is expected to gross $750 trillion dollars at the domestic box office.[YouTube]

This ad about John McCain’s 26 years servicing Washington has funny olde-tyme flapper music and lots of clips of John McCain debasing himself by hugging people and going on the Jay Leno show. The most shocking part is the outtakes from his sex tape with Paris Hilton: he is not known as the “White Tornado” for nothing. [Ben Smith]

The batshit crazy Washington Times published a hilarious column from creepy actor Jon Voight yesterday, and we missed it, because who reads the fucking Moonie Times, right? Fortunately a tipster has sent us the article and good freaking lord: “The Democratic Party, in its quest for power, has managed a propaganda campaign with subliminal messages, creating a God-like figure in a man who falls short in every way. It seems to me that if Mr. Obama wins the presidential election, then Messrs. Farrakhan, Wright, Ayers and Pfleger will gain power for their need to demoralize this country and help create a socialist America.” Many trees were killed so that they could be soaked in this ink. MORE »

Oh sure, the stylish basketball star and Ivy League lawyer Barack Obama is loved by all the Hollywood celebrities (and world leaders and leading billionaires and Bob Dylan and all the voters), but even weary old rape-humorist John McCain can claim a little bit of L.A. glitter. Do you remember the hit ’70s surfing sitcom Magnum P.I., about a crusty old Englishman and his mustachioed boy toy? No? Well, that guy (Tom Selleck) is one of, uh, four forgotten Hollywood starlets who have donated some money to McCain’s Titanic. MORE »

John McCain is doing his best to romance The Hollywoods, but he has found few wealthy gay liberals willing to listen to his uplifting message of war without end. As a result, he has only been able to raise a few paltry dollars from the D list’s D list — Ben Stein, Dick Van Patten, and an assortment of other balding losers who were on a TV show once. Why is Hollywood so ageist against physically and mentally deteriorating old warmongers?

McCain is hoping that he’ll be able to snare support from disaffected southern California Clintards once Hillary drops out of the race. Of course, they’ll have to overlook the fact that he hates abortion, healthcare, peace, and other things that your mom cares about. Will McCain’s crazy plan work? Probably not, which is why he’ll waste millions of dollars and months pursuing the Hollywood vote — there’s nothing he loves more than a losing cause.

Here’s what sad old Dick Van Patten (who to his credit makes some top-notch dog food) has to say about being a McCain supporter in Hollywood: “I’m all alone … I feel isolated. Nobody agrees with me.”

Straight Talk Express stalls in Hollywood [Politico]

RON PAUL MUST HELP BLACK VAMPIRE TAX HERO! The Feds threw the book at American cinema/tax hero Wesley Snipes! Three Years for just evading income taxes and escaping to Africa. FREE WESLEY SNIPES! [New York Times]

Movie hero Wesley Snipes is beloved by Americans for killing vampires and helping Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis colonize space planets for the American Dream, but now the Evil American Government is trying to destroy him for protecting your tax rights! The celebrity star is in Florida today so a federal court can sentence him for tax evasion. The feds want to put him in jail for three years! But Denzel Washington and Woody Harrelson have arrived in Florida and they are going to bust him out of the joint, hooray! UPDATE: Nooooooo! Three Years! [CNN/Ocala.com]

Grampa Freddy Thompson, the former terrible presidential candidate, has seen his masterful get-rich-quick scheme come full circle — be a small character actor, run for president of the United States for a few months, return as lead A-list Movie Star. He has signed a deal with the William Morris talent agency and, with his new name recognition, will probably be starring in many of this summer’s magnificent blockbusters. Wait, who? [Reuters]

Even though it was the 800th debate in the last 24 hours, and it overlapped with the premiere of Lost, the Hollywood Liberals Debate last night “drew 8,324,000 million total viewers, making it the most-watched primary debate in cable news history, and the second-most watched on TV this election cycle (ABC’s Democratic debate on Jan. 5 drew 9,360,000).” John Edwards was not one of these 8.3 million people tuning in, as it was his first night shift back at his old employer, The Mill. [TV Newser]

Variety recently looked at who the Hollywood power elite support. Who knew glittery power ballad singer Barry Manilow backed Biden? Apparently he’s a fanilow! After the jump, see who’s straddling the fence and hedging their bets: MORE »