Wonkette

Are you feeling extra hippieish today, hippies? Maybe a little more communal, communists? That’s because it’s May Day, the main drunken pagan sex holiday of the first week of May. In fact, today used to be America’s Labor Day, until right-wing bloggers of the Soviet era found out it was actually a commie holiday built around the commie traditions of a) abortion and b) colorful paper streamers. And then the evil “May Day” was patriotically converted into “Loyalty Day” … but did anybody tell the Mexicans? MORE »

Happy Day After Easter, everybody! This is the time of year when Our Christian Nation celebrates the execution of the Middle Eastern insurgent Jesus al-Christ with an ancient pagan fertility festival named for the goddess Eostre. It’s also when the White House once again honors the 50 states by displaying crappy decorated eggs that are somehow representative of the states in question. Hey look it’s a terrible bloated morbidly obese Panda! Guess which “state” goes with this loathsome egg. MORE »

Are you reading this early Monday morning? Chances are you don’t have the Presidents Day Holiday off from work. Congratulations, because Wonkette has to work, too. Election 2008 will not pause for some pointless remembrance of a couple of dead presidents who founded the country or started the Civil War or whatever. We have cars to buy, on credit, but at some kind of potential discount! (Sorry about everything, George Washington and Abe Lincoln.) [Why Tuesday?]

Joel Stein has an op-ed piece in the Los Angeles Times today bemoaning the current state of Halloween, in which he laments the fact that the once kid-friendly Satanic festival has been ruinously besmirched by adults running around dressed as sexy nurses, libidinous witches, randy stewardesses, etc. etc. This year, of course, it’ll be even worse when every single party will be befouled by at least one toe-tapping, stall-bound senator. Blah, blah, blah, we hear this stuff every year, right? But then, unexpectedly, Stein comes up with the most wonderful idea! Why not save Halloween for the little bastards by creating a new holiday for adults: Slut Day! We’re listening. MORE »

One thousand years ago today — or Friday, the 12th — a terrible slave-trading murderer/imbecile who did not even know how to spell his own name, which is Latin for “asshole,” landed at the “Sandals” resort in Puerto Rico or some such Caribbean island and thought he was in Bangalore. What an idiot! MORE »

Laura joins us in sending our best wishes for a totally bitchin’ Rosh Hashanah. [Extreme Mortman]

How did you honor our fallen heroes this solemn Memorial Day? Remember: Freedom ain’t free, but Biggie-sizing that Frosty will cost merely an additional thirty-two cents. MORE »

Hey everybody, it’s not May Day after all! Congress took care of that homosexuality back in 1958. It’s crazy that so many of America’s Precious Freedoms weren’t made up by psychotic red baiters until the ’50s, yet it’s totally true! For instance, there was no mention of the gods in the jingoistic “Pledge of Allegiance” until 1954, when the McCarthyites decided to add “under God” to the already idiotic madrassa chant.

Learn why you feel all loyal and sticky today, after the loyalty jump.

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Former DC Mayor Anthony Williams introduced this now-beloved district-wide public holiday in 2004 to commemorate Lincoln’s freeing of Washington DC’s slaves a couple months before he freed all the slaves in the Confederacy (Washington was sort of a trial balloon, we guess). MORE »

PANIC! SNOW ON THE WAY! MORE »