We cannot write a better introduction than this: “A town in South America is living in fear after several sightings of a ‘creepy gnome’ that locals claim stalks the streets at night. The midget — which wears a pointy hat and has a distinctive sideways walk — was caught on video last week by a terrified group of youngsters.” This sidling wicket goblin, who is terrorizing Argentinian Mexicans, made one teenager “so scared after seeing that thing that we had to take him to the hospital.”

Hmm… a hobbit gnome terrorizing illegals? This is no mystery at all. MORE »

NADER ANNOUNCING RUNNING MATE RIGHT NOW, AT PREPPY CRAP SCHOOL: Presidential candidate from Hell, Ralph Nader, is announcing his running mate RIGHT NOW at George Washington University in the District of Columbia. Will it be a black lady, a blind hobbit, or one of those dastardly wicket goblins? We’ll let you know which of these three he chooses.

UPDATE: It is this human, “San Francisco Supervisor and Board President” Matt Gonzalez, who is either white or Mexican, but not black, female, a hobbit or a wicket goblin, as of this hour. [Ralph Nader]

Actor Sean Astin, the delightful hobbit who once overcame his fears and saved Elijah Wood from the monsters, is now going to save Hillary Clinton from Mark Penn. Now that Hillary’s losing major union endorsements in Ohio, she could use the warmth of a kindly hobbit. Astin delivered yesterday in Texas by yelling at a bunch of people in a court house. MORE »

We are not safe, anywhere, anytime, from the poisonous cancer death shrapnel remains of the “destroyed” Satellite of Love & Death. Some of us, however, are more safe than others. Mysterious operatives from deep within the British Royal Government have alerted Wonkette to the imminent doom that faces one of England’s most treasured towns: Cromer, the “world capital of wicket goblins,” in Norfolk shire. We urge the frumpy Tories of Cromer to stay within their quaint, thatched-roof cottages today, to avoid satellite death. MORE »

He’s never quitting. Ron Paul. Is. Never. Quitting. As soon as he’s locked up his congressional primary win in March (natch), he will never quit the race, as long as the money keeps flowing in. In addition, he’s planning a Paultard March on Washington. Everybody SCREAM! You can watch him explain this all in a 14-minute message from some old wood-paneled lair in the Shire, after the jump. MORE »

The website Digg.com, for those of you not in-the-know (LOSERS), allows people to share articles they like in a forum-type setting, and then either promote them or “bury” them, in which case they won’t gain popularity on Digg.com. That is the best way your Wonkette can describe Digg.com, which we use sometimes. It seems the Paultards are trying to “bury” us today, even though we’ve always treated them well. How now? It’s not our fault their candidate lost. Well, not entirely. Anyway, you should Digg this post with that magic gold button to the right! [Digg]

Yesterday, Elizabeth Kucinich accompanied her husband, a politician of some sort, to a speech about something. Elizabeth stood in the crowd and maybe text-messaged some friends on her cell phone. It’s not any major Elizabeth Kucinich news, but we thought you should know how Elizabeth spent her day yesterday.

*CAN ELIZABETH STILL RUN?:* Burdened hobbit Dennis Kucinich has dropped out of the presidential race, presumably to spend more time with his elfin queen Elizabeth. We’ll miss you, Elizabeth! [Cleveland Plain Dealer]

On September 30, 2003, President Bush said he’d “take care” of anyone in his administration who leaked Valerie Plame’s secret CIA identity to the journalists. On THIS VERY SAME DAY, SEPTEMBER 30, 2003, Dick Cheney sent out several e-mails that have now gone missing. Our very vice president! Deleting his very e-mails! I know I never delete e-mails. MORE »

Donations for the Paultard Blimp reached the necessary $200,000 threshold this morning, meaning it will set sail (hover?) Monday from Elizabeth City, NC en route to Boston for its Tea Party on Dec. 16. Instinctively, we checked Ron Paul Forums to see what the latest Paultard step would be, and it involves mass pollution. MORE »

Here’s the new Mitt Romney ad, in which we learn that the multi-millionaire Scientology-loving dog-torturing Parisian apparently believes he also starred in the “Lord of the Rings” movies. Also, who runs like that? Little girls, that’s who.

Mitt Romney “Leadership” [YouTube]