Wonkette

Dingbat embarrassment Michele Bachmann has blabbed her way into a losing battle to keep her congressional seat in Minnesota’s 6th District. The new polls are out, and they say Batshit Bachmann is down three points. The sixth-level druid Elwyn Tinklenberg now has the lead, 47%-44%. Magic is everywhere. MORE »

GAHH obviously this is the winner, OBVIOUSLY, of our contest for the best Blingee based on that one weird Larry King photo. You all could learn from the winner, a Mr. Hans-Jörg Brehm, whose name indicates Mexican heritage of some sort. Hans understood two things that do a good Blingee make: (1) layers upon layers of worthless crap and (2) the word “HOBBIT” lit on fire. So everyone congratulate Hans and his illegal migrant family! Five other finalists, after the jump. You will have many seizures. MORE »

Your Wonkette was just having some drinks at various patio restaurants in downtown Minneapolis yesterday when strange dorks began walking around, in bizarre costumes. Here we have, uh, “Ninja Hitler,” maybe? And he’s pulling a gimp in a wagon made of … household garbage? Like many other disheveled stringy-haired losers seen around town on Sunday, the gimp was wearing a green scary-face mask, possibly from the Scream movies? But they weren’t all so elaborately costumed. MORE »

Bridget: big $ale on truck nutz. [Rocky Mountain News]

Former Bill Clinton strategist Paul Begala, the squirrelly hobbit to James Carville’s mangy elf, spoke at a breakfast in New York City this morning and used the occasion to vent about how much he hates Mark Penn, Hillary’s ex-Chief Strategist and current chief strategist. Because everyone hates Mark Penn and that is why he is… still working for Hillary Clinton! But do most “Clinton people” go so far as to compare Penn to Donald Rumsfeld? The hobbit goes, because the hobbit knows. MORE »

We cannot write a better introduction than this: “A town in South America is living in fear after several sightings of a ‘creepy gnome’ that locals claim stalks the streets at night. The midget — which wears a pointy hat and has a distinctive sideways walk — was caught on video last week by a terrified group of youngsters.” This sidling wicket goblin, who is terrorizing Argentinian Mexicans, made one teenager “so scared after seeing that thing that we had to take him to the hospital.”

Hmm… a hobbit gnome terrorizing illegals? This is no mystery at all. MORE »

NADER ANNOUNCING RUNNING MATE RIGHT NOW, AT PREPPY CRAP SCHOOL: Presidential candidate from Hell, Ralph Nader, is announcing his running mate RIGHT NOW at George Washington University in the District of Columbia. Will it be a black lady, a blind hobbit, or one of those dastardly wicket goblins? We’ll let you know which of these three he chooses.

UPDATE: It is this human, “San Francisco Supervisor and Board President” Matt Gonzalez, who is either white or Mexican, but not black, female, a hobbit or a wicket goblin, as of this hour. [Ralph Nader]

Actor Sean Astin, the delightful hobbit who once overcame his fears and saved Elijah Wood from the monsters, is now going to save Hillary Clinton from Mark Penn. Now that Hillary’s losing major union endorsements in Ohio, she could use the warmth of a kindly hobbit. Astin delivered yesterday in Texas by yelling at a bunch of people in a court house. MORE »

We are not safe, anywhere, anytime, from the poisonous cancer death shrapnel remains of the “destroyed” Satellite of Love & Death. Some of us, however, are more safe than others. Mysterious operatives from deep within the British Royal Government have alerted Wonkette to the imminent doom that faces one of England’s most treasured towns: Cromer, the “world capital of wicket goblins,” in Norfolk shire. We urge the frumpy Tories of Cromer to stay within their quaint, thatched-roof cottages today, to avoid satellite death. MORE »

He’s never quitting. Ron Paul. Is. Never. Quitting. As soon as he’s locked up his congressional primary win in March (natch), he will never quit the race, as long as the money keeps flowing in. In addition, he’s planning a Paultard March on Washington. Everybody SCREAM! You can watch him explain this all in a 14-minute message from some old wood-paneled lair in the Shire, after the jump. MORE »

The website Digg.com, for those of you not in-the-know (LOSERS), allows people to share articles they like in a forum-type setting, and then either promote them or “bury” them, in which case they won’t gain popularity on Digg.com. That is the best way your Wonkette can describe Digg.com, which we use sometimes. It seems the Paultards are trying to “bury” us today, even though we’ve always treated them well. How now? It’s not our fault their candidate lost. Well, not entirely. Anyway, you should Digg this post with that magic gold button to the right! [Digg]