Assuming the president is even human, can anybody verify from which woman’s birth canal he sprang, and where, and when? The answer is no, until Barack Obama produces 1) a valid long-form birth certificate with coffee stains to make it look “real” and also 2) a 47-year-old mucus plug. (Note: do not Google “mucus plug” until after lunch.) But in lieu of this evidence, we are left to wonder whether Barack Obama was born in Kenya at all if somebody dug up a birth certificate from South Australia that looks SUSPICIOUSLY like his Kenyan one. MORE »

Hmm, could this possibly be true? Could that Chicago radio jackass have not undergone a Spiritual Conversion regarding torture after having a stream of water gently poured on his half-covered face for a few seconds? Gawker has salacious details in the form of emails from the guy’s publicist suggesting that this was all “a hoax.” MORE »

The guy who made that video last week about John Gibson’s obsession with the color of the Attorney General’s scrotum has been fired, for being hilarious. John Sanders worked as a producer-reporter for WBAL-TV, an NBC affiliate in Baltimore. He allegedly used company equipment to make his little doctored video and then he put it up on YouTube for larfs. MORE »

OH THIS GUY. “Martin Eisenstadt” is a comic invention who surfaces every 8-10 weeks to release satirical videos about Rudy Giuliani and spread fake rumors about the McCain campaign. Your Wonkette has seriously fallen for this trick once, when Eisenstadt reported that Paris Hilton’s family was FURIOUS about using their beloved blonde dingbat in McCain’s celebrity video. It seemed true! And funny. MORE »

Some liberal group of liberals produced a fake edition of the New York Times revealing all the wonderful things that will happen once hippies rule the world, next July. The evil corporate Harvard Business School will close forever; George Bush will be tried for war crimes; and the Patriot Act will be repealed by a 99-1 vote, with only a drunken Jon Kyl dissenting. Jesus, reading this thing is like crawling in Medea Benjamin’s brain. Come join us in a tour of this bleeding-heart masturbation pamphlet. MORE »

OK, college kids, we know that you immediately will believe anything that a dumb Internet message tells you, but this e-mail from George Mason University’s “Provost” is, in fact, a hoax sent by racist hackers trying to stop the black guy from winning Virginia. So go out and vote as planned, it won’t take long, and then you can continue to play your Britney Spears Xbox games on the Wii.

Here’s your favorite Ashley Todd, the little smiling hobbit down there with her pals and her first hero, the Doctor Congressman Ron Paul, with Cowboy Jesus looking on in the background. Ashley’s not a “Real Paultard,” as she decided to root for another candidate after Ron Paul lost miserably. This hypocrisy is considered rather uncouth by the Paultard Council. But she was with the Paultards long enough to learn how to act like a fucking idiot, and this is how we should remember her. We decided the occasion called for a touch of sepia, beg yr pardon.

• NICE TRY, FRAUDBOT: Oh looky, she’s changed her story: “The student, Ashley Todd, of College Station, Texas, initially said a black man robbed her at knifepoint Wednesday night and then cut her cheek after seeing a McCain sticker on her car. Police say bank surveillance footage doesn’t show her at an ATM where she says she was attacked. Todd, who is white, now says she was knocked unconscious and doesn’t remember being cut. She now says she only discovered the wound later.” She is the President of Lies. [AP]

Ashley Todd is the brave young patriot Ken and Jim have been writing about nonstop since yesterday evening. She got robbed of her pocket change by an angry dyslexic Negro monster lurking behind a Pittsburgh-area money hole, and then Twittered about it all the way home, and now nobody believes her story because America is still a very sexist nation. This morning we found one billion tips in our inbox containing various sordid revelations regarding this tragic victim. Let’s take a look… MORE »

HOPE.NET UN-HACKED: A concerned reader writes, “when I checked this morning, Hope.net now links to BarackObama.com. That seems to prove that the site was truly hacked after all, even though many of the commentators seem to want to believe it was fake.” Ha ha so suck on that, COMMENTATORS. [Wonkette]

Ron Paul’s most fervent supporters were outraged to learn that “Watson University” had rescinded an invitation for the Libertarian congressman to speak there. One commenter on The City Desk declared angrily that “Ron Paul can teach your entire student body more in 1 hour than they learn in 4 years of study.” But the biggest problem with this educational institution isn’t their brazen dis of America’s greatest patriot. It’s that it doesn’t exist. MORE »