• FINALLY SOME JOE THE PLUMBER NEWS! He spoke somewhere and said hilarious things: “‘This country has been great for over 180 years,’ Wurzelbacher said after urging folks to study the Constitution. It wasn’t clear whether something happened in the late 1820s to make the United States great, but other than a few puzzled glances from the crowd, everyone went with it.” That’s when Ronald Reagan invented Internet pornography, of course. [Colorado Independent via The Plank]

When scholars of the future — otherwise known as “Roombas” — look back at our chaotic and moronic first decade of the 21st Century, they will have nothing but faded printouts of vulgar old web pages for source material. “Why were there so many pictures of Truck Nutz and watermelon gardens around the Executive Mansion?”, the Roombas will ask each other, in robotic voices.

John Hope Franklin — the esteemed historian, author and professor who died Wednesday at the age of 94 — lived through nearly half of U.S. History. And hell yes, he stayed angry. But he also saw an interesting development in the last months of his life.

And he saw something else, in November. MORE »

OMG OBAMA WILL BE ON JAY LENO!! “Many Americans will get their ‘first look’ at the president during this program which usually comes on after the local sports broadcast. What will they think?” [AOL Political Machine]

Back in the day when people printed out the Internet every morning and handed the “House & Garden” section to their wives while they perused the latest news from Cuba, life was fine. Then the BlackBerry Machine came slithering out of Hell’s bowels and ruined everything, the end. This is the premise from which every Richard Cohen column proceeds. But hark, what about the days before the Internet, when Europe was riven by two World Wars and Jews had to flee horrible genocide and American citizens could expect to live out their “golden years” (age 35 onward) in abject poverty? Those times were truly great, because people were self-reliant. MORE »

It’s the Presidents’ Day Sale Day, of course, which is why you’re not at work reading Wonkette. But experts say the federal holiday is actually to remember one of the first American presidents, George Washington. Let’s remember the good times and the bad, like when his 300 African slaves tried to kill his wife. MORE »

Oh look it’s “Babe-raham Lincolon.” She is a cheerleader for the New Jersey Nets, a terrible basketball team. And she’s the actual descendant cousin of old what’s his name, the guy who wouldn’t take the Commerce Secretary job, who was born 200 years ago yesterday on the HMS Beagle. Here is Bonnie Lincoln on some local newscast, holding a piece of Abe Lincoln’s lincoln log, the end. You must click MORE to watch the Sexy Video :*( MORE »

You did it, Liberals! Thanks to your help, your hard work, this country will officially be renamed “The American Caliphate” in January, 2009. Oy. Jesus damn. Forty years ago your associate editor’s neighborhood in Southeast D.C. was on fire, nightly. The MLK assassination did not “go over” very well here. But right now, there are two fireworks displays running strong and people honking their horns, for fun. People get so worked up about things, don’t they?… Well let’s stop rambling and see what the new President has to say. MORE »

NOVAK IS BACK! After a busy summer of running over a bum and being diagnosed with a brain tumor, Robert Novak quit his regular column gig. But now he’s back with an “occasional” thing saying Vinegar Joe Lieberman would doom the McCain ticket. Don’t listen, Walnuts! Pick Holy Joe! [Bob Novak]

In a mere twelve-ish hours or so, Wonkette’s one-time-only “name your favorite First Lady” contest will close. So check out the Official Rules here and send in your wonderful 25-word Idears (that is what famous First Lady Howard Dean calls them) to tips@wonkette.com by noon tomorrow with the subject line MY FAVORITE FIRST LADY IS NOT THAT STRUMPET ABIGAIL FILLMORE. You might just win yourself a copy of that book, American Wife! Meanwhile, if you do not participate in this contest, you will be forced to chant “Nancy Reagan” into a mirror five times until the ghost of Jane Wyman shows up and murders you with a rusty eyelash curler.

According to people who think and look at books and “write papers” for a living, John McCain cannot possibly be elected President this November, on account of History. You see, History tells us all sorts of things about how the popularity of the incumbent party and the outgoing president influence people’s election choices. However, it ignores the most salient point: the voting proclivities of a bunch of old Jewish ladies in Palm Beach County. There’s hope yet for John McCain, except probably definitely not! MORE »