Wonkette

Dumb dumb dumb, dumb dumb dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb, dumb dumb dumb dumb. That is one “dumb” for each paragraph of Jonah Goldberg’s Los Angeles Times column today. For the record, we did not expect it to be “good,” in the traditional sense — we didn’t expect to read it at all! But 18 paragraphs of unmitigated “dumb” has a strangely magnetic appeal during this lazy news season. So let’s check out Jonah’s column, in which he argues that Obama’s plan to offer educational aid as a reward for national service is somehow both (a) welfare and (b) slavery. Europe, MTV, “the JFK cult,” and Rolling Stone magazine also play bit parts in Jonah’s remarkable paean to the God of Shit. MORE »

YOUR LATE NIGHT SHOTS PARTY WEEKEND SCHED, BRO: Pro-laxin’, bro. “LNS will once again be taking its chartered bus out to Bayhawks Stadium for this Saturday’s pro lacrosse matchup. The day starts at Rugby at 4, the luxury party bus leaves 5:45, faceoff is at 7, and all LNS ticket holders get free beer for the entire game. The nightcap post party will be held at Smith Point in Georgetown. We have spots for about 18 more washed-up ex-lacrosse players (male or female) who enjoy drinking cans of Bud Light while listening to Christopher Cross, Go West, Billy Idol and AC/DC.” But what about the hipster chicks and their “lithe vegan bodies,” dood? Who cares about those sluts, bro. Get your lax tix here, dood. [LNS Weekly]

It’s Monday, we’re hungover, you’re hungover, so here are some pictures of young DCenesters in their underwear. We’ll get to the substantive stuff later. [BYT]

Why should New York get all the fun of alternatively laughing at and lusting after barely dressed coked-out hip kids? That was the question posed by the good people at Garutachi, an indie dance party frequented by people who look better but have significantly worse judgment than you. Last weekend, they threw an underwear party, offering free Sparks to anyone bold enough to strip down on their way in. Gawker’s own Nikola Tamindzic was in town, and he was kind enough to stop by the party and take a couple pictures. His own NSFW gallery is available here. Our gallery, with the usual snide remarks, is below. We would’ve gone to it ourselves, but we were busy that night sitting at home with a bottle of rye. MORE »

Lighting up in a bar became illegal as the Washington, DC smoking ban went into effect midnight last night. Local music venue/watering hole the Black Cat, whose staff was almost unanimous in their denunciation of the ban, celebrated last night with an official Smoke Out, at which patrons could enjoy their last legal public cigarettes. MORE »

* Have ridiculous political views? Dying for attention? Don’t waste time starting a blog — call C-SPAN and loudly hurl insults at Jimmy Carter. [Think Progress]
* Brooklyn hipsters who spot Barbara Bush out drinking can’t decide between whether to “vomit on” or “hate fuck” her. [Williamsboard]
* Giant pink house conspires with illegal Guatemalans to keep Mitt Romney out of giant White House. [DCeiver]
* Bloggers who post their “enemies list” — including recently elected members of Congress who haven’t had a day on the job yet — need to switch to decaf. [The Blogometer]
* The Corner bloggers’ had the delusional idea that Rick Santorum will replace Bolton. [The Corner]
* Hank Paulson: administration coffin nailer. [Robert Reich]

* Dick Cheney’s new book, “If I Did It: Faking the Case for War,” soon to be released. [HuffPo]
* Teenagers rejoice as new Democratic Congress promises drug-filled condoms in schools. [Right was Right]
* Newt Gingrich forgets to take his megalomania medication, gives interview. [Political Wire]
* Enterprising hipsters look to break the yellow ribbon monopoly on Iraq War-themed SUV adornment. [Ride Lugged]
* Military doesn’t believe in love, tells Cher to where to stick her documentary. [NYDN]
* Bust a nut for peace. [MoJo Blog]

For that very special hipster in your life who knows just how to piss away a likely congressional majority. MORE »

• Jordanian hipsters are ahead of the curve, already discussing Middle Eastern “crisis” with detached irony. [My Occupied Territory] MORE »

• Trapped on a 60 year-old boat with families from the fly-over states wearing rubber duck beaks - being a tourist in DC really does suck that bad. [Best Summer Ever]

• Ain’t fallin’ for that again. No sir, Marion’s not gonna get set up by your bitch-ass blog. [Beyond the Mall]
• If you don’t go out on Wednesday nights how are you ever going learn that the “ass mélange that is reggaeton” is now a Hispanic pan-national anthem? [Panama's Propositions]
• Right now in Petworth a hipster is feverishly typing out a blog post with the working title, “Spotting Mainstream Members of the Material Culture In Their Natural Habitat.” [Circle V]