What would happen if you joined the Marines and then were sent to Okinawa to play with radios but then got bored and pretended to have PTSD and then told little children that you ate a grenade to save Lt. Dan during a heavy firefight in Fallujah and then bought a bunch of medallions to pin on your shirt from eBay and then got all sorts of free goodies because everyone thought you were a fabulous war hero? Thanks to the efforts of a brave Marine, we now have the answer. [Washington Times] MORE »

Your Wonkette usually spends its Friday nights attending John Boehner beach parties or Sarah Palin wolverine sniper hunts, but you know what? It’s been years since Wonkette has attended Hirshhorn After Hours. So on Friday, July 24, 2009 AD, Team Wonkette partied with the hipster underbelly of DC. And everyone had fun, except Jim. [Untrue, Riley; you are fired -- Ed.] MORE »

If you have not checked out Intern Elizabeth’s terrifying images of hipster violence on the National Mall over the weekend, during the Cherry Blossom Festival, you should do that. Here is a high-resolution film of the event, in which perfectly good goose feather pillows were destroyed because the Internet told them to. [YouTube]

Dumb dumb dumb, dumb dumb dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb, dumb dumb dumb dumb. That is one “dumb” for each paragraph of Jonah Goldberg’s Los Angeles Times column today. For the record, we did not expect it to be “good,” in the traditional sense — we didn’t expect to read it at all! But 18 paragraphs of unmitigated “dumb” has a strangely magnetic appeal during this lazy news season. So let’s check out Jonah’s column, in which he argues that Obama’s plan to offer educational aid as a reward for national service is somehow both (a) welfare and (b) slavery. Europe, MTV, “the JFK cult,” and Rolling Stone magazine also play bit parts in Jonah’s remarkable paean to the God of Shit. MORE »

YOUR LATE NIGHT SHOTS PARTY WEEKEND SCHED, BRO: Pro-laxin’, bro. “LNS will once again be taking its chartered bus out to Bayhawks Stadium for this Saturday’s pro lacrosse matchup. The day starts at Rugby at 4, the luxury party bus leaves 5:45, faceoff is at 7, and all LNS ticket holders get free beer for the entire game. The nightcap post party will be held at Smith Point in Georgetown. We have spots for about 18 more washed-up ex-lacrosse players (male or female) who enjoy drinking cans of Bud Light while listening to Christopher Cross, Go West, Billy Idol and AC/DC.” But what about the hipster chicks and their “lithe vegan bodies,” dood? Who cares about those sluts, bro. Get your lax tix here, dood. [LNS Weekly]

It’s Monday, we’re hungover, you’re hungover, so here are some pictures of young DCenesters in their underwear. We’ll get to the substantive stuff later. [BYT]

Why should New York get all the fun of alternatively laughing at and lusting after barely dressed coked-out hip kids? That was the question posed by the good people at Garutachi, an indie dance party frequented by people who look better but have significantly worse judgment than you. Last weekend, they threw an underwear party, offering free Sparks to anyone bold enough to strip down on their way in. Gawker’s own Nikola Tamindzic was in town, and he was kind enough to stop by the party and take a couple pictures. His own NSFW gallery is available here. Our gallery, with the usual snide remarks, is below. We would’ve gone to it ourselves, but we were busy that night sitting at home with a bottle of rye. MORE »

Lighting up in a bar became illegal as the Washington, DC smoking ban went into effect midnight last night. Local music venue/watering hole the Black Cat, whose staff was almost unanimous in their denunciation of the ban, celebrated last night with an official Smoke Out, at which patrons could enjoy their last legal public cigarettes. MORE »

* Have ridiculous political views? Dying for attention? Don’t waste time starting a blog — call C-SPAN and loudly hurl insults at Jimmy Carter. [Think Progress]
* Brooklyn hipsters who spot Barbara Bush out drinking can’t decide between whether to “vomit on” or “hate fuck” her. [Williamsboard]
* Giant pink house conspires with illegal Guatemalans to keep Mitt Romney out of giant White House. [DCeiver]
* Bloggers who post their “enemies list” — including recently elected members of Congress who haven’t had a day on the job yet — need to switch to decaf. [The Blogometer]
* The Corner bloggers’ had the delusional idea that Rick Santorum will replace Bolton. [The Corner]
* Hank Paulson: administration coffin nailer. [Robert Reich]

* Dick Cheney’s new book, “If I Did It: Faking the Case for War,” soon to be released. [HuffPo]
* Teenagers rejoice as new Democratic Congress promises drug-filled condoms in schools. [Right was Right]
* Newt Gingrich forgets to take his megalomania medication, gives interview. [Political Wire]
* Enterprising hipsters look to break the yellow ribbon monopoly on Iraq War-themed SUV adornment. [Ride Lugged]
* Military doesn’t believe in love, tells Cher to where to stick her documentary. [NYDN]
* Bust a nut for peace. [MoJo Blog]

For that very special hipster in your life who knows just how to piss away a likely congressional majority. MORE »