Tag Archives: hippies

  Not the Donald Trump kind of alien

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Creationist Aliens Want To Exorcise The Witchcraft From Your ‘Puter

Welcome back, saints and sinners alike! It’s time once again for the Snake Oil Bulletin! Are your souls in need of spiritual cleansing from our old friend Alien Jesus? Are you ready to hear the truth of God’s word as revealed through the voice of a carnival barker? Are you prepared for the majesty that is a pointy-hatted witch praying over a computer to get the viruses out? Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin: Creationist Aliens Want To Exorcise The Witchcraft From Your ‘Puter…
  It was just a joke you guys!

Gun Humpers Put Away Obama Shooting Targets (For Now), Use Gay Rainbow Flags Instead

What’s the world coming to when you’re a “fitness and liberty” group that’s just trying to organize a “Run ‘n Gun,” which is apparently some kind of race that involves guns (SOUNDS REAL SAFE), and you can’t even post a hilarious picture of two gun-fondling guys standing next to a rainbow flag, advertising “new high visibility targets”? Gah, nobody can take a FUNNY JOKE anymore, can they? Here’s the pic, we post, you decide: Read more on Gun Humpers Put Away Obama Shooting Targets (For Now), Use Gay Rainbow Flags Instead…
  Patchouli Classified As Chemical Weapon

Montana Police Ask Homeland Security For Help Spying On Hippie Terrorists

It's a mobile command center
Police in Missoula, Montana, are requesting a quarter-million dollar grant from the Department of Homeland Security so they can buy a “mobile command unit” — an RV fitted out with communications equipment and computers and stuff — that will be used, among other missions, to keep an eye on this year’s annual Rainbow Family Gathering. That’s a national roaming hippie convention that’s been terrifying small towns for decades, because they like to smoke weed, get nekkid, and lay in a big ol’ pile. Missoula officials say they need the vehicle to help with emergency responses to natural disasters like avalanches, accidents like train derailments, and, just to jazz up their grant application and help move it to the top of the DHS pile, to deal with “extremist groups” such as the Hells Angels and the Rainbow Family. Read more on Montana Police Ask Homeland Security For Help Spying On Hippie Terrorists…
  letters from the derp

Sundays With The Christianists: Why ‘Huckleberry Finn’ Is Eeeevil (Not The Reasons You Thought!)

Come back to the drag show agin, Huck honey
We’ve decided that we’re actually rather grateful to wingnut radio preacher Kevin Swanson for writing his bizarre e-screed Apostate: The Men Who Destroyed the Christian West, which makes the case that American and European civilization have been ruined by all of our philosophy and literature. We’d be much better off, Swanson suggests, if we lived like the Puritans, only maybe with the internet so Kevin Swanson could do his podcast and sell ebooks. Why are we grateful to Kevin Swanson? Because his awful little book’s awful chapter on Mark Twain finally reminded us to pick up a terrific biography of Twain’s later life, Mark Shelden’s Mark Twain: Man in White: The Grand Adventure of His Final Years. It’s a heck of a fine book that had been sitting on our shelf just waiting for us to get to it, and it’s a fine reality-based counterpoint to Swanson’s caricature of Twain. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Why ‘Huckleberry Finn’ Is Eeeevil (Not The Reasons You Thought!)…
  hippie vice time people

Protip For Rainbow Family Gathering: Don’t Trust Anyone Named ‘Hitler,’ Even If She Is A Hippie

There was some serious harshing of the mellow at this year’s Rainbow Family Gathering near Heber City, Utah, when a hippie lady who calls herself “Hitler” stabbed another hippie person, nonfatally, thank goodness. Leilani Novak-Garcia, who prefers the name “Hitler” (we couldn’t find any background on why she chose that moniker, exactly), was arrested and charged with attempted murder after stabbing a 45-year-old man multiple times. But we bet she had a really good reason! Read more on Protip For Rainbow Family Gathering: Don’t Trust Anyone Named ‘Hitler,’ Even If She Is A Hippie…
  society is to blame: arrest them

A Children’s Treasury Of Stupid Bloviating About The Isla Vista Murders

We’ve now entered the exciting “place blame on people you don’t like” phase of the coverage of the shootings in Isla Vista last Friday, where bloggers, teevee news panelists, and other luminaries present their instant diagnoses of the culture-war issues truly to blame for the actions of a disturbed person with a several guns and a carload of ammunition. Here are just a few of the stupidest explanations of What It All Means (and yes, we have a feeling this will be Part One of many). Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Stupid Bloviating About The Isla Vista Murders…
  clipbait

Watch Stephen Colbert Literally Defenestrate Bill O’Reilly’s Complaints About Stephen Colbert (Video)

The other night, Bill O’Reilly got mad at hippies and the “grievance industry” — America’s supposed cultural/political movement that encourages everyone who isn’t Bill O’Reilly to think they’re a victim of racism or sexism. O’Reilly also had some grievances of his own, especially after being victimized by this Stephen Colbert fellow, whose ratings are nowhere near as impressive as Billo’s, but who has become “the darling of the far left internet which rhapsodizes over him.” Colbert is just as mystified about this, but acknowledges that “for some reason, the far left internet loves me. I mean, I’m in all the hashtags…” Read more on Watch Stephen Colbert Literally Defenestrate Bill O’Reilly’s Complaints About Stephen Colbert (Video)…
  apocalypse eventually

Sundays With The Christianists: U.S. History Textbooks To Keep Your Homeschooled Darlings From Becoming Hippies

This week, we’ll continue our look at the 1960s as viewed through the reality distortion goggles of rightwing Christian textbooks. If you find yourself getting dizzy, go read Rick Perlstein’s Nixonland until you can see straight again. (And if you haven’t read Nixonland, what is wrong with you?) Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: U.S. History Textbooks To Keep Your Homeschooled Darlings From Becoming Hippies…
  eve of distraction

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Books For A Not-So-Great Society

“Hey, Hey, LBJ! How much Taxpayer Money did you waste on social engineering today?” chanted no one ever. And yet both of our Christian-oriented textbooks for homeschoolers might leave the modern student thinking that the most controversial thing about the 36th president was all that spending he did. Today, we will learn how Lyndon Johnson made America poorer and less moral, and made hippies happen by not letting Our Troops win in Vietnam (we’ll get to the Vietnam war itself next week, though). Go ahead and put some flowers in your hair, for all the good it’ll do you. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Books For A Not-So-Great Society…
  larry curly moe & hemp

Nice Time! Colorado Hemp Farmers Boldly Grow Where No Man Has Grown Before

In excellent news for everyone who’s ever harangued you about the marvels of industrial-grade hemp (which is not pot, no it isn’t, and legalizing it has nothing to do with trying to legalize the smokable stuff, man, it’s just good ecology and good economics!*), a few pioneering Colorado farmers are bringing in their first harvests under the state’s new law allowing the production of the sturdy miracle plant. It’s still illegal to grow under federal law, but presumably the Justice Department’s policy of not interfering with state marijuana laws will also apply to hemp. So now that you’ve got your precious industrial hemp, will you hippies please stop trying to get us to buy your goddamn macramé? Thanks. Read more on Nice Time! Colorado Hemp Farmers Boldly Grow Where No Man Has Grown Before…
  energy companies hate this!

Nice Retired GOP Rep. Is Nice, A Hippie, Not A Jerk

Meet Roscoe Bartlett, retired 10-term Republican congressman living 4,000 feet above sea level, in Appalachia. Bartlett owns no guns. Nor does he hoard gasoline and canned goods in a bunker awaiting the collapse of society. He drives a Prius, and has kind words for Al Gore’s thoughts on climate change. He doesn’t drink or smoke. He’s a vegetarian who raises his own organic vegetables, including potatoes, zucchini, squash and spinach. He even wears hipster glasses from a brand called Geek Eyewear. Read more on Nice Retired GOP Rep. Is Nice, A Hippie, Not A Jerk…
  we hear they wear birkenstocks also too

Hippies At Seattle P.D. Will Feed You Snacks For Your Trip On ‘The Pot’

Would you like to know what it looks like when police are not busy arresting 750,000 people A YEAR for getting “high” on the pot? That is so many arrests, but how else are you going to put all the black people in jail? (Sorry black people, you are three times more likely to be arrested for Reefer Madness than white people, even though you use the marijuana the same amount, it is so funny, you are probably rolling in hilarity, emphasis on “high,” am I right?!) Anyway, that is beside the point — OR IS IT?? — because the Seattle PD is being adorable again and handing out crunchy salty snacks to all the stoners at the Hempfest this weekend. Read more on Hippies At Seattle P.D. Will Feed You Snacks For Your Trip On ‘The Pot’…
  bring them your tired poor huddled masses

Nice Time: Liz Warren And Ed Markey Being Total Hippies Again

Oh. My. God. Libruls are TEH WORST! Damn hippies always seeking to create policy that benefits ‘the poors,’ when we all know that John Calvin, Wordy Shipmates, Shining City on a Hill, America, fuck yeah. Who are the heretics today who seek to desecrate the foundational principles of Jesus’s Capitalist Emporium for Jesus? None other than Senators Elizabeth Warren (D-Heart Flutters) and Ed Markey (D-New Guy). Per Daily Kos: Since Congress isn’t going to pass sane policy like an increased minimum wage and sick leave anytime soon, it’s up to the blue states and cities to do it. Next up, we hope: Massachusetts, where a coalition has formed to get these measures on the 2014 ballot. The lead petitioners’ names will be familiar: Sen. Elizabeth Warren for the minimum wage, and Sen. Ed Markey for earned sick time. While this might make New Pope happy, it will certainly anger the True Flock, who know that wealth is a sign that God loves you, which is why Jesus had a net worth of old sandals, some pieces of lumber, and some gently used nails.  Read more on Nice Time: Liz Warren And Ed Markey Being Total Hippies Again…
  death and taxes

Joe The Plumber Explains To Stupid Hippie Why Paying Taxes Is Cool (VIDEO)

Hey stupid Occupy hippie! Why don’t you love paying taxes, like “Joe” “the Plumber” does? Taxes are cool, they pay for parks and police! Also, it is your patriotic duty to pay your fair share and not, say, divert all your “bread” (that is “money” in hippie language) to your accounts in the Caymans! Or maybe it is only unemployed people that Mr. The Plumber thinks should pay awesome taxes, not job creators like Joe himself, who is busy creating jobs (his) by running for Congress, we guess. For a while there in Mr. The Plumber’s “Fun $5 Friday” video (which you can watch below!), we were worried he was going off conservative script by going on and on and on about how he LOVES TAXES THEY ARE THE COOLEST, but then we realized nah, he doesn’t REALLY love taxes, he just hates all those people who are too poor to pay them even more! Stupid freeloaders, with your signs and your demonstrating and your #Occupy movement. Don’t got a job, huh? Can’t “go to work,” and “feed your family”? Why don’t you just run for Congress and pay yourself $5,000 a month like Joe? Idiots. Read more on Joe The Plumber Explains To Stupid Hippie Why Paying Taxes Is Cool (VIDEO)…
  guns don't kill people hippies and union thugs do

Florida Gov. Rick Scott On Tampa’s Republican Convention: Needs More Guns

Round about a month ago, your Wonkette informed you of the stupid state law/clusterfuck that precluded the city of Tampa from restricting guns around the site of the Republican National Convention. “Stupid idiot,” snitted some jive-ass commenters, “why do you make a big deal out of this obviously the Secret Service won’t let any guns in the convention hall and obviously nobody ever leaves the convention hall ever not even once gah shut up by the way I am a very wet pussyfart.” All of which was obviously true. But so now the ‘lected officials of the city of Tampa are still trying to do something about this, because they do not want to go down in history as the Southern city where buncha rednecks Stood Their Ground against some peaceful hippies and possibly also too James Brady, and they wrote to Gov. Rick Scott asking him like, please suspend the state law that ensures no municipality infringes on Floridians’ right to pack hate haha whoops heat, at least, like, in the protest zones? Nah mang, said Rick Scott. NRA! ALEC! FREEEEEEEEDOM! “Like you, I share the concern that ‘violent anti-government protests or other civil unrest’ can pose ‘dangers’ and the ‘threat of substantial injury or harm to Florida residents and visitors to the State.’ But it is unclear how disarming law-abiding citizens would better protect them from the dangers and threats posed by those who would flout the law,” he added. Is it, Rick Scott? Is it “unclear”? Read more on Florida Gov. Rick Scott On Tampa’s Republican Convention: Needs More Guns…
  say no to drugs say yes to tacos

‘Smoke That Weed,’ Says Important California Union

America is one step closer to being encapsulated in an enormous hippie bong cloud, thanks to the evil unions: Adam Nagourney reports that one of California’s most powerful unions, the Service Employees International Union, has come out in support of a ballot measure to make California the first state to legalize the sale and use of marijuana. The decision offers the proposition a shot of mainstream legitimacy as well as a potential financial and organizational lift. Read more on ‘Smoke That Weed,’ Says Important California Union…