Tag Archives: hillary clinton

  Hmmmm is something ELSE happening in 2016?

GOP Will Release Benghazi Report In 2016 To Help Hillary Clinton, Obviously

Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-Benghazi!!111!) went on the Fox News Greta Van Susteren program and dropped a surprising bombshell about the House’s top secret investigation into Benghazi:  The report probably won’t be released until 2016, right smack in the middle of the election. Huh! Gowdy says it’s silly to suggest the GOP-controlled committee is doing this to try to hurt Hillary Clinton, because “[t]hat assumes the report would be critical of [Clinton] and I don’t make that assumption because we’re still in the process of gathering facts.” See? It’s just normal stuff, Republicans investigating Benghazi for the 80 gazillionth time, and they don’t even know what they’re going to find! Probably the same big nothing all the other investigations found, but pay that no mind. Gowdy continued: Read more on GOP Will Release Benghazi Report In 2016 To Help Hillary Clinton, Obviously…
  She's also ready to be Madam President

Carly Fiorina Will Win White House With Her Record Of Success. Also, Her Vagina

She's a 'winner'
If you are an American who would love to see a woman in the White House, even though you do not care about gender because you just want the best man for the job even if he’s a lady, good news! You do not have to vote for Hillary Clinton after all because Republican Woman Carly Fiorina (R-Woman) is officially ready to be The Other Woman, for Republicans: Read more on Carly Fiorina Will Win White House With Her Record Of Success. Also, Her Vagina…
  He's a self-certified 'reporter' too

Rand Paul Will Tell Us The Bad Thing Hillary Clinton Did, Just As Soon As You Find It For Him

He's got nothin' ... yet
Rand Paul is not just a Bitcoin collector, self-certified “opthalmologist,” and occasional senator. He’s also a Citizen Journalist, and oooh boy howdy, has he got the dirtiest dirt on Hillary Clinton — even dirtier than that time he scooped the story on how her husband got a hummer in the last millennium, and it was probably her fault. Or he will have it, anyway, if you’ll find it for him: Read more on Rand Paul Will Tell Us The Bad Thing Hillary Clinton Did, Just As Soon As You Find It For Him…
  Here have some news n stuff

President Obama Is Maybe Cool With You Tokin’ Up, For Your ‘Health’

Cataracts, obviously
If the President Barry H. Bamz (D-Choom Gang) thinks medical marijuana might be good for you, who are we to argue? CNN’s chief medical correspondent Sanjay Gupta, a vocal supporter of the legalization of medical marijuana, asks Obama in the documentary [“WEED 3″]if he supports the goals of a historic Senate bill introduced in March that seeks to make several major changes in federal law, including drastically reducing the federal government’s ability to crack down on state-legal medical marijuana programs, encouraging more research into the plant and reclassifying marijuana as a less dangerous drug. Read more on President Obama Is Maybe Cool With You Tokin’ Up, For Your ‘Health’…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: You Sheepy Sheeple Are Such Sheep!

To The Management: Please correct this image. I would never use Courier. On second thought, never mind. You'd just replace it with Comic Sans.
We have a Very Special Men And Women of Few Words edition of Dear ShitFerBrains for you today, because due to some odd alignment of the planets this week, we didn’t receive a single long, painful screed that ranged over everything from Benghazi to water fluoridation. Just a lot of staccato bursts of derp. And so the question must be asked: Is our trolls learning? Hahahaha, who are we kidding, of course not (As always, all spelling, spacing, and punctuation is reproduced verbatim). Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: You Sheepy Sheeple Are Such Sheep!…
  Let's gossip about the week that was!

It’s Sunday Funday At The Wonkette, Let’s Drink Mimosas And Judge People

It's the best day of the week!
Hola, Wonkers, we hope that your Sunday is treating you well. Pull up a chair, for we must now gossip about all the hilarious and CONTROVERSIAL stories that you clicked on the most this week! We thought you would all be super-excited about Marco Rubio running for president, but none of those stories made the top 10, :(. Guess Rubio will never be president now. Also never being President? Hillary Clinton, because none of her stories made the top 10 either! It’s all yours, Rand Paul! Read more on It’s Sunday Funday At The Wonkette, Let’s Drink Mimosas And Judge People…
  also kicks puppies

Hillary Clinton Beats Up Crippled Children, Takes Their Candy And Parking Space

Arrows prove everything
What terrible thing did Hillary Clinton do now? Why, she parked her Scooby Van in a handicapped spot — and laughed about it! Look, there is even video! And in case you cannot believe it, the Very Offended Krystal Heath, associate producer for conservative “comedian” Steven Crowder, wrote a trillion words about it and how she is Personally Very Offended, also she has a photograph to point out the offensive parking job: Read more on Hillary Clinton Beats Up Crippled Children, Takes Their Candy And Parking Space…
  Tipgate

Prepare Madame Guillotine: Hillary Clinton Did Not Tip At Fast-Food Restaurant Chipotle Exclamation Point

She's coming for YOU. And YOU. And YOU.
It is far too early in the 2016 presidential election cycle to officially declare this is the stupidest story we are going to see, but hot damn, it’ll probably still be a strong contender by Election Day. Read more on Prepare Madame Guillotine: Hillary Clinton Did Not Tip At Fast-Food Restaurant Chipotle Exclamation Point…
  Teabagger Nice Time

Even This Cuddly Teabagger Dude Might Vote For Hillary, So He Can Keep His Beloved Obamacare

Obamacare yay, gay sprinkles in mah coffee BOO.
Tyrant Obama sure did set a mighty fine trap for the Republican Party, with their constant efforts to repeal Obamacare! With the full benefits of the Affordable Care Act starting to come to fruition in 2014, and even more this year, people around the country — even those who don tri-cornered hats and hold Gadsden Flags at Koch Bros.-funded tea party rallies — are starting to realize, well, goddamn, look at my general healthcare situation getting better! Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers learned this the hard way when her FaceSpace call for “Obamacare horror stories” was met with a whole lot of “my healthcare is cheaper!” and “my grandmother didn’t die!” and “these are my slut pills now!” Read more on Even This Cuddly Teabagger Dude Might Vote For Hillary, So He Can Keep His Beloved Obamacare…
  Tell us what you really think

Harry Reid Talking So Much Sh*t About Everybody Now, Does Not Give A Flying F*ck

Go on some more please!
Sen. Harry Reid (D-Boxing Ring) has rarely shied away from using his smack-talking Stern Words to smack-talk, sternly, but now that he is officially retiring at the end of this term, he really does NOT give an aerodynamic fuck at a mobile pastry. Read more on Harry Reid Talking So Much Sh*t About Everybody Now, Does Not Give A Flying F*ck…
  Avert your eyes!

Family Values Guy Says Hillary Clinton Is Too Ugly To Be President, Guess That’s That

Oh the horror!
Wingnut dickbag douchebreath Don Feder, former opinion “writer” from The Boston Herald and now of the “family values” group World Congress of Families, took a break from whining about The Gay and how the Jewishes suck at Jewing and could really learn from Pat freakin’ Robertson how to be better at that, to explain why Hillary Clinton — or, as he cleverly and values-y-ly calls her, “Hitlery” — will not be president. Everyone don your hazmat suit, and then let’s dive into his pool of pixelated vomit: Read more on Family Values Guy Says Hillary Clinton Is Too Ugly To Be President, Guess That’s That…
  Everybody knows real Mexicans only eat Taco Bell

Fox News: Hungover Hillary Ate At Chipotle To Woo The Spanishes, Newsflash!

This non-story just got even MORE non-storied
Hillary Clinton did a thing, and that thing is eating! Scandal, zomg, Drudge siren, congressional investigations, subpoenas, impeach, KILL US NOW. On Fox News, the “Outnumbered” ladies and the designated Dude o’ The Day had themselves a great laugh about Clinton’s stop at Chipotle in Ohio on Monday. Hosts Andrea Tantaros and Kennedy (yeah, the one who used to be a VJ on MTV) made so many #jokes about it, your sides will ache. Trigger warning for HIGHBROW HUMOR: Read more on Fox News: Hungover Hillary Ate At Chipotle To Woo The Spanishes, Newsflash!…
  Why can't white men catch a break?

Bill O’Reilly: Hillary Clinton To Murder All The Poor White Christian Men, Goodbye America

The world’s greatest and bravest and most honest award-winning war correspondent and objective reporter, Bill O’Reilly, offered his own Hot Take on Hillary Clinton’s chances of beating all the Republicans to a bloody pulp in the 2016 election. In O’Reilly’s fair and balanced nonpartisan analysis, Clinton has the clear advantage, and the reason will amaze you! Read more on Bill O’Reilly: Hillary Clinton To Murder All The Poor White Christian Men, Goodbye America…
  Gay wedding nice time with Hillz!

Hillary Clinton Invited To Real Live Gay Wedding, Will There Be Pizza?

Look at this couple, just walking down the street in love like that's even normal.
Hillary Clinton announced Sunday that yeah, sure, she guesses she’ll go ahead and be president in 2016, not that it’s that important to her or anything. As we reported, her announcement video is terrible and un-American, as it features “regular people” doing “regular things,” like going back to work, graduating college and things like that. But her True Agenda is revealed when a man’s voice says, “I’m getting married this summer to someone I really care about.” The camera moves to footage of a man holding hands WITH ANOTHER MAN, which yr Wonkette has to admit is really kind of big and heartwarming and wonderful, since it’s the first time a presidential candidate with a shot of winning has started out the gate declaring support for the gay marriages. Read more on Hillary Clinton Invited To Real Live Gay Wedding, Will There Be Pizza?…
  Bored now

Marco Rubio Really Really REALLY Wants You To Know He Will Lose For President Too

Are you not sexcited?
Marco Rubio has spent the past 24 hours trying to cocktease the internet into caring about his Big Announcement coming Monday evening, whatever it might be. Obviously, the world is on pins and needles, wondering what Rubio might announce, but now we do not have to wait until 6 PM to find out. Read more on Marco Rubio Really Really REALLY Wants You To Know He Will Lose For President Too…
  I was just cleaning my "gun" and it went off

NRA Convention Is Jizz-Soaked Festival Of Guns, Fear, Hillary-Hate, More Jizz

Scenes from the hotel rooms at the convention, probably.
The 2015 NRA Convention concluded this weekend in Nashville, and despite the fact that attendees were not allowed to carry their guns every single place they wanted, even if they thought they saw an ISIS or a black person, the convention reportedly went off without a hitch! Or a safety! In fact, the convention seems to have gone off in the pants of many of the speakers and attendees, but in a good way! Let’s enjoy some jizz-soaked highlights, which are the natural product of what happens when so much gun-humping happens in one place. Read more on NRA Convention Is Jizz-Soaked Festival Of Guns, Fear, Hillary-Hate, More Jizz…
  sure why not

Never Wrong Bill Kristol Has Just The Right GOP Dick To Beat Hillary Clinton

Cool idea
Smirking sack of hot air Bill Kristol offered some of his infallible logic and political acumen on Sunday’s “This Week” with George Stephanopoulos: KRISTOL: If they get to nominate Hillary Clinton, why don’t we get to nominate Dick Cheney? I mean, he has a much — he has a much better record. With his evil self-satisfied chuckle, one might think Kristol is attempting to make a joke. But given that he quite seriously “discovered” Sarah Palin and insisted she was the Next Great Hope of the Republican Party — and also, his constant calling for bombing whatever country’s handy because what could possibly go wrong? — there’s a good chance he thinks he’s serious. Read more on Never Wrong Bill Kristol Has Just The Right GOP Dick To Beat Hillary Clinton…
  Not breaking

Hillary Clinton Ruins Everyone’s Sunday, Will Never Be President Now

Surprise!
Hillary Clinton broke her first campaign promise, before she even announced she was running for president, so SHUT IT DOWN, PEOPLE, she has no chance now. Last week, the not-exactly-breaking news broke that Clinton would announce her candidacy on Sunday, by video. Which she did, but she made the entire world wait, like, ALL DAY LONG, instead of announcing it at noon eastern, which she was supposed to do because The Guardian said so, which just goes to show she cannot be trusted (Benghazi!!!!!) — or that she’s a secret West Coaster, because the announcement came around noon, but Pacific time, which everyone knows doesn’t count. Read more on Hillary Clinton Ruins Everyone’s Sunday, Will Never Be President Now…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Rand Paul Is A Genius, You Morons!

To the editors: I liked the old library better.
Today, an abbreviated Dear Shitferbrains, seeing as how Yr Doktor Zoom has Ebola again and also needs to do his taxes like the rest of the One Percent. Not surprisingly, we heard from a lot of butthurt Rand Paul fans this week, most of whom wanted to point out that a journalist’s job is to ask a question and then write down the answers, and not to keep asking her question when Rand Paul interrupts her to tell her that her question is not a good one. “John 440″ was simply aghast that we would even write about such a non-news moment: Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Rand Paul Is A Genius, You Morons!…
  Jamaican everybody gay!

Obama Shoots Giant Rainbow Out Of His Hand, Instantly Turns All Jamaicans Gay

Abracadabra, ur all gay now LOL.
President Obama visited Jamaica this week, the first time a president has done that in over 30 years. Upon his departure, he turned around to shoot a beautiful, giant rainbow at the island nation, right out of his hand, proving definitively that he has some special tricks up his gay wizard sleeve! This act was caught on camera by White House photographer Pete Souza, so we guess Obama is okay with his magical powers not being a secret anymore. How will Hillary Clinton top THAT, when she is president? Read more on Obama Shoots Giant Rainbow Out Of His Hand, Instantly Turns All Jamaicans Gay…