Tag Archives: hillary clinton

  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Rand Paul Is A Genius, You Morons!

To the editors: I liked the old library better.
Today, an abbreviated Dear Shitferbrains, seeing as how Yr Doktor Zoom has Ebola again and also needs to do his taxes like the rest of the One Percent. Not surprisingly, we heard from a lot of butthurt Rand Paul fans this week, most of whom wanted to point out that a journalist’s job is to ask a question and then write down the answers, and not to keep asking her question when Rand Paul interrupts her to tell her that her question is not a good one. “John 440″ was simply aghast that we would even write about such a non-news moment: Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Rand Paul Is A Genius, You Morons!…
  Jamaican everybody gay!

Obama Shoots Giant Rainbow Out Of His Hand, Instantly Turns All Jamaicans Gay

Abracadabra, ur all gay now LOL.
President Obama visited Jamaica this week, the first time a president has done that in over 30 years. Upon his departure, he turned around to shoot a beautiful, giant rainbow at the island nation, right out of his hand, proving definitively that he has some special tricks up his gay wizard sleeve! This act was caught on camera by White House photographer Pete Souza, so we guess Obama is okay with his magical powers not being a secret anymore. How will Hillary Clinton top THAT, when she is president? Read more on Obama Shoots Giant Rainbow Out Of His Hand, Instantly Turns All Jamaicans Gay…
  Adventures in being a total fuckup

Maybe Rand Paul Didn’t F*ck Up Guardian Interview, Is Still A Dick Anyway

You see this guy asking me questions? How dare he?
The Twitter, it is outraged at Serious Presidential Candidate Rand Paul, who is a dick, for doing another dick thing. According to the internet, which is always correct, Rand Paul had a full-on meltdown temper tantrum at Guardian reporter Paul Lewis, who was just trying to get him to answer a gotcha question about his support for criminal justice reform. How will that play with all the racist fundamentalist fucknozzle Iowans he needs to pander to win the Republican nomination to lose to Hillary Clinton? But did Rand Paul, who is a dick, actually act like a dick this time? Some say yea, some say nay. Let us Do Journalism, by watching a video and deciding for ourselves! Read more on Maybe Rand Paul Didn’t F*ck Up Guardian Interview, Is Still A Dick Anyway…
  who?

Some Chick Running For President Even Though She Has A Vagina And Everything, LOLOLOLOL

Christ, yes, we're ready already
The Interwebs are reporting that a broad named Hillz Rodham Somebody will be making a special announcement this weekend: Hillary Clinton is planning to officially launch her US presidential campaign on Sunday while en route to Iowa, a source familiar with the campaign has confirmed to the Guardian. Read more on Some Chick Running For President Even Though She Has A Vagina And Everything, LOLOLOLOL…
  What About Hitler? Is She Hitler Too?

Wingnuts Just Asking: Is Hillary Clinton A Violent Spouse Abuser? And A Lizard Person?

Don't Americans deserve the truth? Or at least the 'truth'?
Stupidest Guest Blogger on the Internet Kristinn Taylor is simply asking a simple question: Aren’t Democrats the worst hypocrites ever for even considering nominating Hillary Clinton for president, given the undisputable fact that a new book alleges that she is a “violent spouse abuser”? Read more on Wingnuts Just Asking: Is Hillary Clinton A Violent Spouse Abuser? And A Lizard Person?…
  bless his heart

Mean Girl Lindsey Graham: Even Hillary Clinton Could Fix Iran Better Than Stupid Rand Paul

A little eye-cream could spruce up that side-eye, just saying.
The Confirmed Bachelor Prince Of The Low Country is throwing some MEAN shade at official 2016 presidential loser Rand Paul! Who’s smarter than Rand Paul when it comes to keeping Iran from getting nukes, according to Sen. Lindsey Graham? The answer is EVERYONE, including that liberal Hillary Clinton. Talking to the Face The Nation teevee program, Graham said that the only 2016 candidate who would do worse than tyrant Obama in negotiating with the Iranians is that loser Rand Paul, who hilariously announced his presidential run on Tuesday. Read more on Mean Girl Lindsey Graham: Even Hillary Clinton Could Fix Iran Better Than Stupid Rand Paul…
  Nowhere to run nowhere to hide

Get To Baby-Making, Duggars! Muslims To Outnumber You In Only 55 Years!

Hold on tight, Patriotic American Christians, for a calamity approacheth! The Pew Research Center has released a study that finds, if things keep going the way they are, there will be more Muslims than Christians in the world in 2070. You will be glad to know the Drudge Report is not freaking out over this or anything, naaaaah, they’re just posting a link to the story at the very top of their page, illustrated with a picture of a concerned little white girl who might be about to cry: Read more on Get To Baby-Making, Duggars! Muslims To Outnumber You In Only 55 Years!…
  It's so crazy it just might work

America’s Worst Lawyer, Larry Klayman, Suing Clintons Again, Totally Gonna Nail ‘Em Now!

Actual pic of Larry Klayman
At last, someone is brave enough to try, for the first hundredth time ever, to hold the Clintons accountable for being the Clintons. And surprise! It’s the conservative group Freedom Watch, the brainfart of Larry Klayman, Esquire JD — famous for such legal victories as having Barack Obama deported for faking his birth certificate and suing Rachel Maddow for defamation, a suit he did not actually win after all, but that’s just because the clearly biased judge was a Jew. And a lady. What a bitch. Read more on America’s Worst Lawyer, Larry Klayman, Suing Clintons Again, Totally Gonna Nail ‘Em Now!…
  Probably doesn't want to do flower arrangements for gay weddings

There Goes Michelle Obama, Murdering The White House Florist Again

Michelle Obama looks happy, but she is ANGRY ABOUT FLOWERS.
The Washington Post is a-buzzing, due to the fact that the White House Head Florist, Laura Dowling, has left, and nobody will say why: [T]he recent exit of head florist Laura Dowling, who’d been in the job since 2009, has been a much quieter affair. So hush hush, in fact, that most outside of 1600 Penn knew nothing about it. There’s still no official comment on why Dowling is no longer at the White House, but according to a source with close ties to current residence staffers, she was escorted from the building on Friday Feb. 13. When asked why she doesn’t come do nice flowers at the White House anymore, Dowling issued a statement THROUGH HER LAWYER: Read more on There Goes Michelle Obama, Murdering The White House Florist Again…
  declar...(hic)...ations

Peggy Noonan Pub Crawls Through 2016 Field, Finds Gin, Contradictions, More Gin

Feel the excitement.
Spring was in the air and in her step. The long winter may have left the city’s streets with so many potholes they looked like Berlin in 1945, but the snow was melting, the homeless had cleared off the steam grates in search of cooler spots, and the warm air made New York once again smell like a landfill. After the longest winter of her years here, the city was coming back to life. Read more on Peggy Noonan Pub Crawls Through 2016 Field, Finds Gin, Contradictions, More Gin…
  Now look what you've done!

Bad Seed Aaron Schock Has Shamed His Daddy And Made Him Sad

Aaron's jazz hands ignore his father's pain
Now just look at what Aaron Schock’s shameful behavior and resignation have done — brought shame and media hounding on his poor daddy, Dr. Richard Schock. Mean local media cornered Dr. Schock for 13 minutes to get his opinion on his ethically challenged son, and he was on the verge of crying the entire time. This man is not a public figure, but because Aaron is too busy setting his Instagram to private and probably looking at himself in the mirror, this is what we get. THANKS AARON. Read more on Bad Seed Aaron Schock Has Shamed His Daddy And Made Him Sad…
  Here have some news n stuff

Americans Still Hate Hillary Clinton Less Than Every GOP Candidate Alive

Basically the winner already
Remember how Hillary Clinton was finally vanquished and destroyed forever because of the latest whatevergate? Yeah, about that. CNN has a new poll with some bad news — for Republicans: Hillary Clinton continues to be a dominant force heading into the 2016 presidential election, according to a new CNN/ORC poll. The former secretary of state maintains a broad lead over the field of potential Democratic challengers she could face in a nomination contest and sizable advantages over the leading contenders from the Republican side in general election match-ups. Read more on Americans Still Hate Hillary Clinton Less Than Every GOP Candidate Alive…
  literally everyone in this story is an asshole

Mickey Kaus Resigns From Daily Caller To Spend Less Time Sucking Fox’s D*ck

He's already said he's not sorry
See that up there? That’s what you get when you try to access media-critic blowhard/JournoList exposer/erstwhile Democratic (sorta) Senate candidate Mickey Kaus’ most recent entry for Tucker Carlson’s Home for Gray Matter Anemia, in which he dared criticize Fox News for scaring the olds about ISIS instead of Messicans. The post, we gather from the URL, was called “Fox Makes It Easy for Amnesty,” and we’re sure it was S-M-R-T like all of Mickey Kaus’ work, but we cannot tell you all that much about it because, duh, it’s no longer there. Read more on Mickey Kaus Resigns From Daily Caller To Spend Less Time Sucking Fox’s D*ck…
  Here have some news n stuff

House GOP Finally Looking Into How Hillary Clinton Did Benghazi, With Her Email

Still won't find anything, but knock yourselves out
At last! Republicans now have the smoking gun that proves Hillary Clinton did Benghazi!!! Except for how they don’t and never will, but darn it, they are going to try to find it. Again. Now that they finally have a reason to investigate her. For the first time ever: Read more on House GOP Finally Looking Into How Hillary Clinton Did Benghazi, With Her Email…
  you got servered

Hillary Clinton Don’t Give A Sh*t

Hillary Clinton, she’s this lady, you might have heard of her. Former senator and secretary of state, might be prezzy maybe, puts off liberals by being all centrist, puts off conservatives by having a vagina and a mouth at the same time. Read more on Hillary Clinton Don’t Give A Sh*t…
  declar...(hic)...ations

Those Uncouth Clintons Have Once Again Given Peggy Noonan The Vapors

The Clintons give Mama such a sad.
The Clintons! The damn Clintons! She ground her teeth as she dumped Alka-Seltzer into her gin, sending waves of liquor splashing over the lip of the glass and along her wrist. She paid no attention as she lifted the glass and drops of gin ran down her arm, soaking the sleeve of her dressing gown. Would no one ever rid her of the pestilence that was those Arkansas grifters? Read more on Those Uncouth Clintons Have Once Again Given Peggy Noonan The Vapors…
  D'Whatever

Dinesh D’Souza Whines About ‘Lawless’ Obama Administration, From Jail

D’Felon Dinesh D’Souza, who makes “films” and writes “books” and pleads “guilty” to breaking “laws” and is still some kind of tea party hero for reasons we will never understand, used his yard time this week to ramble on about Obama this and that boo hoo. He appeared via Skype — because he is in a San Diego jail-type halfway house “community confinement center” for people who commit crimes but have enough money to hire real good lawyers so they only go to pretend prison, which is unfair to D’Souza … somehow, who knows? He is a whiny crybaby and also a felon. Read more on Dinesh D’Souza Whines About ‘Lawless’ Obama Administration, From Jail…
  Here have some Nice Time you deserve it

Nice Republicans Demand SCOTUS Give Them All The Gay Marriages

What a silly news day it has been, what with learning that Future Permanent Queen Of America Hillary Clinton still has to load one of those free AOL disks every time she wants to do either diplomacy or lunch with a foreign official, and that awful warmonger, who is not Dick Cheney, talking to Congress about how Iran will destroy Israel on Twitter, we are exhausted. Read more on Nice Republicans Demand SCOTUS Give Them All The Gay Marriages…
  Clintongate Part Whatever

Hillary Clinton Did An Email Thing That May Or May Not Be Wrong, And The NYT Is ON IT

Maybe not so ready for planet Hillary yet
The New York Times reported an explosive breaking exclusive ZOMG! Clinton scandal on Monday night, so turn on the Drudge Siren and grab your splooge sock because CLINTON SCANDAL!!!! Hillary Rodham Clinton exclusively used a personal email account to conduct government business as secretary of state, State Department officials said, and may have violated federal requirements that officials’ correspondence be retained as part of the agency’s record. Read more on Hillary Clinton Did An Email Thing That May Or May Not Be Wrong, And The NYT Is ON IT…
  Grrrrrl talk

Hillz And Liz Warren Braid Each Other’s Hair, Plan World Domination (Probably)

And we're going to reclaim 'Tea Party' for girls, dammit
BREAKING! Alert! Sirens! Semaphore flags, interpretative dance, and sky writing! We interrupt our regularly scheduled program to bring you this critical and game-changing news: Hillary Rodham Clinton held a private, one-on-one meeting with Senator Elizabeth Warren in December at Mrs. Clinton’s Washington home, a move by the Democrats’ leading contender in 2016 to cultivate the increasingly influential senator and leader of the party’s economic populist movement. Read more on Hillz And Liz Warren Braid Each Other’s Hair, Plan World Domination (Probably)…
  House Investigative committees have a well-known liberal bias

Boehner: Latest Benghazi Investigation Not Trying To Hurt Hillary, We Just Like Shouting ‘Benghazi!’

Even though the Benghazi “scandal” has been investigated approximately eleventy-nine times (seven to be specific), and even though the Republican-controlled House Intelligence Committee did their OWN investigation, and all seven of these investigations found absolutely no scandal, you are probably aware that the Republican House is currently investigating Benghazi for an eighth time. Why? Well obviously, dum-dum, because House Republican investigatin’ committees have a WELL KNOWN LIBERAL BIAS, and they just know that Republicans are trying to hide the facts about what REALLY happened in Benghazi, from themselves! Of course, we completely know what happened in Benghazi, except that NO WE DO NOT, let’s keep asking the same things until we get the answers we want, at which point, INPEACH! Read more on Boehner: Latest Benghazi Investigation Not Trying To Hurt Hillary, We Just Like Shouting ‘Benghazi!’…
  We Have Always Been At War With Erotic Terror

Rick Santorum Hates Americans For Our Erotic Freedoms

All the probable Republican presidential candidates have been visiting the Steve Deace radio wingnut program lately, in order to explain to Real Americans that people’s fundamentalist religious beliefs will ALWAYS stomp on everybody else’s rights, no matter what, because that is how America works. Deace specifically wants to know if these fine fellers — Santorum, Ted Cruz, Mike Huckabee, all of them — believe that “the sexual revolution trumps the American Revolution,” or if “someone’s erotic liberty trumps your religious liberty.” EROTIC LIBERTY, everyone, GET SOME. Read more on Rick Santorum Hates Americans For Our Erotic Freedoms…