Not sure if this nightmarish requiem is official, but “sources say” that America’s mayor, Rudy Giuliani — who recently ran the worst presidential campaign in American history, centered around his major career accomplishment of having the worst terrorist attack in American history strike New York City’s two tallest buildings under his watch — is planning to run for Senate in next year’s special election, to fill the last two years of Hillary Clinton’s term. This will be the snarling beast’s stepping stone to the presidency, once and for all! (No, that’s really his plan.) Everyone loves a guy who was mayor of a city 10 years ago! MORE »

Texas Rep. John Culberson is a jackass, and yesterday he wrote a letter to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. He requested help with something, internationally. So what was his pressing concern for the nation’s top diplomat? MORE »

• After very possibly receiving fewer votes than his opponent, Hamid Karzai has won the presidential election of Afghanistan! [New York Times]
• Ford earned $1 billion in the third quarter and people are now thinking the company could be profitable by 2011. [Washington Post]
• Yesterday some American guy—originally from Eritrea, but still totally counts—won the New York City Marathon, which is the first time that’s happened since 1982. [CNN]
• A suicide bomber killed 30-ish people outside a bank in Pakistan, most of whom used to have something or other to do with the military. [AP]
• The New York Yankees baseball team has won another go-round in the baseball tournament, and look at this biased coverage from the New York Post. [New York Post]
• Everyone who’s anyone in the Arab world just despises Hillary Clinton. [Reuters]

• A terrifying “flash mob” of ten — five sets of two — Tea Baggers stormed the Capitol and created a new coalition government with three Birthers. [TPM]
• Senate likes Edward Brooke. Senate invites Edward Brooke to fancy ceremony. Senate gives Edward Brooke fancy gold medal. Edward Brooke accepts gold medal from Senate. Edward Brooke poops all over Senate. [The Caucus]
• Why must Matt disrespect Billy Corgan so thoroughly? Some believe in H1H1, some don’t. And some are agnostic. Is that so wrong? [Matt Yglesias]
• Hillary Clinton chanted the famous muslin prayer “Death to America” whilst prostrating herself before the holy shrine of Osama bin Laden. When will it end? [Gateway Pundit]
• NEW MALKIN DIAGRAM! This week: the molecular structure of the Red Menace. [Michelle Malkin]

JOHN KERRY IS SO DIPLOMATIC, HE SHOULD BE SECRETARY OF STATE!: When a reporter suggested that he had become the “de facto secretary of state,” Kerry grew flustered, sputtering, “I don’t want — you know, I don’t even — I don’t think that’s appropriate, de facto, whatever, whatever.” [Washington Post]

• JPMorgan Chase reported $3.6 billion profits for the third quarter. This is one of those folkloric “good economic news” stories! [New York Times]
• Now that Obama (& Olympia Snowe!) have defeated Chuck Grassley, Baucus, etc., he must now combat Big Health Insurance Lobby. [Washington Post]
• There’s a second gold rush, except it’s a rare minerals rush, happening right now in California’s Mojave Desert. Go west, young man. [Los Angeles Times]
• Hillary Clinton yelled at America and Russia for running around like this is still the Cold War. It’s not, apparently, was her point. [CNN]
• Exciting job opening! Lots of potential for growth: Rep. Robert Wexler of Florida has quit and taken a job at Center for Middle East Peace and Economic Cooperation.
• McChrystal is worried that all corruption in Afghanistan might basically cancel out the work that new troops could (will) be doing over there. [AP]

President Hillary Clinton and her husband, President Bill Clinton, will be staying in the romantical island spot called Bermuda this weekend. You know who else is in Bermuda, right now, and forever? An unfortunate band of Uighurs, who will be conscripted into sexual slavery administering erotic pedicures to the Clintons. Pray for their souls. [Bermuda Sun]

CLINTON TOO OBSESSED WITH CHICKENS TO BOTHER RUNNING THE STATE DEPARTMENT: Hillary Clinton, former presidential contender and current secretary of state, can do whatever she wants to with her time and infinite powers. She could have found that lost cargo ship that the Russians had to go looking for instead, or maybe she could be curing the deadly Mexican pig AIDS, but no instead she spends her time talking with and about ladies. “She talked chickens with female farmers in Kenya,” reports the Washington Post. This is a disgrace to international diplomacy. [Washington Post]

• Were you at Netroots Nation? Your Wonkette was not invited. But Matt Yglesias was, and he spoke on every panel covering every imaginable topic: Afghanistan, climate change, tax policy, amateur dentistry, LOLcats — everything. [Matt Yglesias]
• “First Obama’s brownshirts came for the old people, but I was not an old person, so I said nothing. Then they came for Glenn Beck, but I was not Glenn Beck, so I did nothing. Then when they came for me, there was no one left to stand up for me.” [RedState]
• There’s an old saying, on Wikiquotes, that “nothing is certain in life except death, taxes, and Matt Taibbi’s weekly anal probing of Goldman Sachs” (Mark Twain). Well guess what? [Matt Taibbi]
• Barack Obama is going fishing, for cigarettes, in Montana. What will this slimeball do to Trig Palin next? [NYT/The Caucus]

OMG did you hear what Hillary Clinton said, in Nigeria? “You know we’ve had all kinds of problems in some of our past elections as you might remember. In 2000, our presidential election came down to one state where the brother of the man running for president was the governor of the state, so we have our problems, too.” Which is true, for sure, but sounds a little odd coming out of the mouth of the wife of a former president who wanted to be president herself but settled for secretary of state after serving as a senator of a state she barely lived in. [ABC News]

Mean old Hillary Clinton went to Africa’s Democratic Republic of the Congo today to discuss god knows what, current giraffe prices? Because it’s Africa?? And while she was taking questions in Kinshasa, some curious “Congolese university student” had the gall to “ask her for her husband’s thinking on an international financial matter.” But instead of just laughing it off with a “Ha ha, you don’t respect women in your country, which is why you have a rape epidemic,” Hillary Clinton murdered the student! MORE »