“And you just tell them, this is what I do to my friends.” [Official White House Photostream]

Oh noes, Secretary Clinton won’t be going on previously scheduled trips abroad this week, due to having her elbow amputated and replaced with a bionic joint that shoots laser beams and takes orders directly from the president, Dick Cheney. She needs to rest up and not shake hands with anybody, which means that attendees of international conferences in Trieste and Corfu will have to shake hands with two other jokers from the State Department instead. And THAT is how World War III will start tomorrow. [Washington Post]

Hey members of the public, did you pray for Hillary Clinton and her right elbow as they went into surgery today? Because thanks to you, her elbow is fine. Of course, if the woman had any decency she would have both of her elbows removed permanently. [First Read]

• WHY IS OBAMA TRYING TO KILL ALL HIS IMPORTANT LADIES? Maybe that Sotomayor “slip” at the airport wasn’t an accident after all. “Secretary of State Hillary Clinton fractured her right elbow Wednesday during a fall, State Department officials said.” Look out, Janet Napolitano! [CNN]

• Hey! Have you heard about hydrogen barackside, the disinfectant that “kills capitalism on contact?” Ha Ha. It kills capitalism on contact. Not to be confused with the soothing effect of crack mccaine, which “makes sucking that dick so worth it.” [RedState]
• During these troubled times, Marine Snipers need to learn how to resist torture, just in case they’re captured by the Americans. That’s why David Blaine runs a special summer camp where he locks soldiers in concrete footlockers until their legs turn to linguine or has them stand on a 100-foot pole for 35 hours in lousy weather. Some critics say David Blaine expects too much from his campers, but really it’s for their own good. [Andrew Sullivan]
• Desmond Tutu is very excited that Barack Obama is a black man, because this Halloween he won’t have to buy a fancy mask like last year when he went trick-or-treating as Ross Perot. [HuffPost]
• Do you perchance recall comedic genius and rightful heir to the Fox and Friends throne, Peter Doocy? You know, the chap who theorized Hillary Clinton was “hitting the sauce” and then invited John McCain over for strippers and Jello shots back at his dorm room? Well, prepare yourself for: P. Doocy, Fox News General Assignment Reporter, and you can bet your bottom he’s going to report on all the General Issues the Liberal Media ignores, like whether Hillary Clinton is still a virgin and if she showers in the morning or at night or not at all! [Think Progress]

All right, Jonathan Martin, you WIN THE NIGHT and ALSO THE FOLLOWING MORNING for this explosive exclusive thing on a truly boneheaded scheme to foster some sort of political alliance between the Clintons and Sarah Palin. The perpetrator: John Coale, prominent Palin pal, husband of Greta Van Susteren, and Clinton supporter who got his panties in a bunch when Hillary didn’t win the nomination. The victim: Sarah Palin, who just wants to be left alone and limit huge public embarrassments to, say, a mere thrice-weekly occurrence. MORE »

After a frightening round of campaigning in nearby Virginia, Bill Clinton has been given a long list of weird destinations, in hopes he will “keep busy” for the next eight years, far from polite Washington society. First came word of his appointment as special UN envoy to Haiti, which is known for its lack of TMZ and Politico reporters. Then we got the exciting news about Bill’s weekend trip to Austria, for the big transsexual sex festival, “Vienna Life Ball,” to raise money for the AIDS. Next up? A six-month diplomatic tour of Antarctica’s subterranean lesbian ice-sprite colony. [Gawker/Washington Post]

Little-known fact: Virginia gubernatorial candidate and beloved Clinton pimp Terry McAuliffe spent the first half of 2008 dancing around Hillary Clinton like a court jester on meth, going on morning talk shows and doing shots of rum and laughing right along with his hosts about how wink wink Hillary was totally going to be president, even though not enough people voted for her in the primaries. He was the most underminey best friend in the WORLD. MORE »

By the Comics Curmudgeon

What basic human impulse motivates the men and women who stride the corridors of power in our nation’s capital? Is it a desire to advance the interests of their nation? An urge to mold the government to reflect their political ideology? Do they wish to help their fellow citizens? Is it mere lust for power? Ha ha, obviously none of these are the real reason; rather politicians seek to attain and to hold elected office on the federal level because of the insatiable tingling of their naughty parts, because Washington, D.C., is a great big fuckfest for gross, nasty people who would otherwise spend their time masturbating morosely. Cartoons will show you this, though you’ll wish that they hadn’t. MORE »

[Pete Souza/White House]

They let Bono in the New York Times and Bob Dylan in the Pope’s castle and Beyonce in the President’s castle and Elton John into what’s her name’s funeral, so why not let Australian gloom singer Nick Cave into Hillary Clinton’s secret State Department lair? Oh wait, it’s the Libyan national security adviser? Sure, fine. Oh hey and his last name is Qadhafi … what are the chances?! [US State Dept. via Jeffrey Goldberg]