LEVI JOHNSTON HAD TO QUIT HIS JOB: This poor kid. All he ever did was impregnate some 17-year-old girl once, a phenomenon that happens all the fucking time, and his only mistake was impregnating the daughter of some nobody governor whom John McCain decided to pluck from obscurity and parade around the national stage because she had boobs and loved Jesus. Now Levi Johnston, who just wants to work in the oil fields of the North Slope — a ball-freezingly cold and thankless job if ever there was one — can’t even do that without people getting all worked up about whether or not he has a high school diploma or not. So whee, he doesn’t have a diploma, so now he can’t be an electrical apprentice, and still these tragic Johnstons are no more or less trashy than 98 percent of America so just LAY OFF ALREADY. [Anchorage Daily News]

As a presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee had no money, staff, or knowledge of foreign policy. He did have an economic policy, but it was the Fair Tax, that famously comical pyramid scheme. So how did he get the second most delegates? Metaphors. Extended metaphors. Millions of extended metaphors about key lime pie and yard work and skinning ducks, or other archetypal aspects of the Average American’s daily life. And now that he wants to be John McCain’s vice president, he has a new metaphor to explain the situation: he wants the football captain to ask him to prom, mostly because he wants to wear a pretty dress. MORE »

Hey look, it’s photographic evidence via former Gawker editor Joshua Stein that Scott McClellan used to have hair back in high school. Little did this proudly tuxedoed dandy know that in a mere 17 years he would be a waddling homunculus vomiting out his daily dose of nonsense in defense of a pack of venal liars whom he would later tattle on, for money. None of this changes the fact that he has a zit on his forehead in his senior photo, like millions of Ordinary Americans. [My Memoirs]

There are two people, total, in Montana: the governor and some high school kid. The latter goes by Jeff Greenwood, and on Friday, he was the only student to graduate from Opheim High School. The governor of Montana, Brian Schweitzer, gave the commencement address to this one student. Creepy. [AP]

This is one of those McCain web ads, of which there are four million, that has been garnering some Internet buzz re: how funny it is. But if you haven’t seen it yet, you should maybe do that right now. It involves McCain’s teacher from high school, Ted Williams, rainbow-colored smoke and McCain being a little rat (who bombs people). [YouTube]

John McCain’s Straight Talk Express rolls on with Day Two of his “Service to America” tour, where he goes and visits the ol’ Prohibition-era haunts of his childhood (like old, depressed men do in movies). WALNUTS! went to his alma mater — the elitist Episcopal High School — in Virginia today. All of the students had to attend and watch him reminisce about towel-slapping his pasty racist friends in the steam room after a rowdy match of Kick the Can. Then one student had the nerve to ask what the hell this crap-on-a-stick biography tour had to do with them, and WALNUTS! naturally got fresh with the ingrate. MORE »

It seems the young princes at Choate Rosemary Hall, the famous Connecticut preparatory school that JFK attended, have their panties in a twirl over the school’s selection of commencement speaker: Karl Rove. As one student says, “It’s just that it’s not his place to be the one who shepherds us into the world.” Since all of these kids will be running the world in a few years, shouldn’t they be looking forward to the networking possibilities at stake? High school kids are the worst when they pretend to have political opinions, even if they just hate Karl Rove. [AP/Breitbart]

“Get out, kid. It’s not too late.”

EXCLUSIVE PICTURES of Lesley (daughter of Tom) Ridge’s wild, outta control graduation party at the White House! Which looks like it may have been attended by upwards of four people! (We don’t mean to judge too harshly — grad parties are just for your parents’ friends/bosses to give you cash and ask where you’re going to college, and we know that when we were that age, our more fun friends never woulda gotten past the security checkpoint, let alone into the East Wing)

Seriously, don’t let Laura Bush plan your graduation party. Though we’re sure she’ll cut you a pretty hefty check. Couple more photos (cause you know this shit’s getting deleted), after the jump.

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Former Alabama Supreme Court Justice Roy “Ten Simple Rules for Arguing Before My High Court” Moore is running for Alabama Governor. What are his qualifications? Besides a notable disregard for your mortal “laws?” On his website, he provides solid proof that he has the experience necessary to govern that great state: MORE »

Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue, center, declares the party to be the best ever, announces his intention to have a kick-ass summer, and expresses his strong belief that he will remain best friends with the graduating class even after everyone moves away to college. (AP) MORE »

A reality show about a high school election? We think we’ll pass. Unless… MORE »