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Posts Tagged ‘heroes’

HEROES

Jesse Ventura Makes Obvious Career Move

Tuesday, September 30th, 2008

What did they call him, THE BODY or something?We all hoped he would run for vice president, with Ron Paul, or maybe run against Al Franken or something, but famous independent wrestler Jesse Ventura will instead host a teevee show about conspiracy theories. Today is just one big disappointment. [Seattle Times]


HOW WILL WALNUTS RUIN THIS?

Liveblogging the Barack vs. Obama Mississippi Massacre, Part I

Friday, September 26th, 2008

Just' cold debatin'Good lord, people, who even knew we would be doing this, tonight?! Just think, drinking and watching some crap on the teevee and maybe just cold layin’ down some blogs. Oh yeah right that is just the normal life in America every single day … or it was, before the Economy Collapsed. Anyway, who knows what Walnuts! will do — not wear pants? Pick his nose and wipe it on Jim Lehrer? A vaudeville softshoe? Everything’s possible when you are an absolutely crazy old idiot. MORE »


AMERICA'S ENEMIES

Good-For-Nothing Firefighters Endorse Obama

Thursday, August 14th, 2008

That's hot ... BECAUSE OF THE FIRE!!!Socialist villain Barack Obama has been endorsed by another group of Blame America First gay sellouts, those lazy clowns known as “America’s Firefighters.” The International Association of Fire Fighters is endorsing Obama at some fire in Las Vegas today, because the Democratic candidate thinks lazy firemen deserve “collective bargaining,” which sounds pretty communist, so that’s why John McCain is bravely against firefighters getting paid a decent wage. [CNN Political Ticker]


HEROES

More On Ted Stevens Being Screwed For Life

Tuesday, July 29th, 2008

Today, a federal grand jury indicted Alaskan Sen. Ted Stevens on seven counts of “filing false financial disclosures.” Stevens is the biggest catch in a four-year-old corruption investigation involving pretty much all Alaskan politicians, one that’s complicated not because of the crimes committed — lots of bribery, basically — but because there was so freaking much crime to investigate. His indictment comes almost exactly a year after federal agents raided his home, and now he will go to jail and lose his Senate seat and remind everyone how evil the powerful Republicans are. MORE »


A SMOKING GAME AND A DRINKING GAME

Wonkette Drinking Teams Sweeping America

Thursday, July 17th, 2008

Truck Nutz: Legalize It.You people make us proud. Here is the “Big Sale On Truck Nutz” quiz team in the “Geeks Who Drink” competition at some bar, we think in Colorado. “My team was named in your honor,” reports Wonkette operative Seth H. “We didn’t win, but we did come in last place, hurray! Intentionally! Because last place gets you the same free round as first place.” And that’s exactly how the Electoral College works, too! [Geeks Who Drink]


AMERICAN HERO

N.C. State Employee Picks Retirement Over Lowering Flag For Dead Jesse Helms

Thursday, July 10th, 2008

American GarbageMeet a brave American Hero: L.F. Eason III, the “29-year veteran of the state Department of Agriculture” who chose early retirement over the foul task of lowering the American Flag to half mast for the dead bigot Jesse Helms. MORE »


BARACK OBAMA

The Funniest Daily Kos Post Ever

Tuesday, April 29th, 2008

Ahem: “…There were two stars that were highlighted by the comet’s passage, Mirfak, and Algol. Mirfak is the elbow of Perseus’s sword hand. Algol, Medussa’a eye, has long been seen as one of the most malifec and evil stars in the heavens.

“Obama was born with his sun in Leo, and his story exemplifies the quest of the Solar Hero. … MORE »


TREASURY

Thursday, April 24th, 2008

RON PAUL MUST HELP BLACK VAMPIRE TAX HERO! The Feds threw the book at American cinema/tax hero Wesley Snipes! Three Years for just evading income taxes and escaping to Africa. FREE WESLEY SNIPES! [New York Times]


TREASURY

Tax Hero Wesley Snipes Faces Prison Horror

Thursday, April 24th, 2008

Sexytime!Movie hero Wesley Snipes is beloved by Americans for killing vampires and helping Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis colonize space planets for the American Dream, but now the Evil American Government is trying to destroy him for protecting your tax rights! The celebrity star is in Florida today so a federal court can sentence him for tax evasion. The feds want to put him in jail for three years! But Denzel Washington and Woody Harrelson have arrived in Florida and they are going to bust him out of the joint, hooray! UPDATE: Nooooooo! Three Years! :( [CNN/Ocala.com]


REPUBLICANS

Shelley Sekula Gibbs Officially Dumped In Trash

Thursday, April 10th, 2008

White Trash.
Beloved pretend congresslady Shelley “Dracula Cunt” Sekula Gibbs lost her hundredth straight election the other day — losing a GOP primary runoff to some nobody — and now her dreams and even this sign are in the garbage, forever, along with an empty bottle of $2.99 “Barefoot Chardonnay” and some type of (Nazi?) lager bottle and enough coat hangers for a hundred Texas abortions. Farewell, sweet rodeo princess of our heart! Photo courtesy of Wonkette Operative “John.”


GEORGE W. BUSH

George W. Bush Nominated For Nobel Peace Prize

Tuesday, April 1st, 2008

Never Forget.U.S. President George W. Bush has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for “fighting terrorism and promoting world peace,” according to a BBC News report. Bush has successfully promoted peace and democracy in many terrorist nations, including Iraq and Afghanistan, while making Americans safer and more prosperous at home. MORE »